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Mom is 84 and has dementia. Because of recent events (not taking her medication and not bathing) we've decided she can't live on her own even with outside care. My gut feeling is that she should go to memory care. I don't have the patience for her (old family issues) but want to make sure she's safe and happy. I think being around people her age and regular care would make her happy as she's a social person in general and needs a regular schedule. However, my husband's culture isn't comfortable with assisted living or memory care facilities. They always just take the person in until they're exhausted and worn out because "that's what you do." My sibling feel the same but don't live near us so can't participate in care or finances. Basically I handle everything. I'm torn between guilt and the feeling that from this point on my life is going to be given up to 24 hour care right when my kids have grown independent and I'm retired and able to travel etc. How do I manage the feeling that I'm handing over the rest of my life?

If this is your mother, what does your husband's cultural beliefs have to do with the price of eggs? Unless HE personally wants to quit his job and care for her personally 24/7, he gets no say in this !
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Reply to lealonnie1
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My gut feeling was to take care of my mother, when she was first offered a nursing home bed I cried for a day and then turned it down. But even with all my determination and my deep love for her I eventually burned out, in fact caregiving the woman she became caused me to doubt my past relationship with her and resulted in anger and resentment that took me years to overcome once she was placed in care. Caregiving is hard and caregiving with doubts from the outset will not serve your mother well, it will be much healthier for both of you if you remain her child and staunch advocate rather than her resentful caregiver.
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Reply to cwillie
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You don't. You follow up on facility care for your mom.

Have your husband read some of the answers you will get here and also read about the effects of caregiving on the caregiver. Your mother needs 24/7 care by trained staff who go home after their 8 hrvshift is over. You cannot provide that. Taking mom in would be a mistake and would not only affect you but your marriage.

Does your husband want a wife who is burnt out, lacking sleep as mom is up at night, unable to take vacations and a house that smells as mom has accidents? Mom will get worse and need more care than she does now. Your health will likely deteriorate, Caregivers get depression, high blood pressure, gain weight and more all due to the stress of caregiving and lack of time to care for themselves. 30-40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for.

Perhaps ask hub to go to a counsellor to explore the options. Your gut is right. Follow it. In time, likely, your hub will see sense. I am sorry you are in this situation. Please take care of yourself.
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Reply to golden23
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You handle it by doing what you know in your heart of hearts is best for not only your mom but for you as well, and that is placing her, as your well being and mental health matter in this too.
If your husband wants to take on her care then you tell him that you are moving out and he can knock himself caring for your mom.
I will bet that after just a few weeks he'll be begging for you to come back and get her placed.
And you nor your siblings should be spending any of your own money on your mom. If she doesn't have the funds for placement, then you'll have to apply for Medicaid for her.
I wish you well in finding the right facility for your mom and standing strong with your "gut feeling."
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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You ARE handing it over to a cultural belief that isn't yours.
In fact you are throwing yourself bodily on a burning funeral pyre, and it will be a slow burn.
You are an adult. You must now make best choices for your own life.

#1. THIS ISN'T ABOUT GUILT
Guilt requires causation. It requires you to be an evil doer who purposely disrupts the life of an innocent and who refuses to take responsibility and to fix it.
You didn't cause aging and failure.
You SHOULD NOT expect this of your children in the future, in my humble opinion, and you should not do it now for your elder. She requires not one woman who moved herself from daughter to caregiver; she needs a facility where several shifts of several people each care for her in this last dreadful time in her life, as well as they are able.

Just my opinion.
You will do as you choose, as an intelligent woman.
Do not expect a happy outcome here. As I said, this isn't about happiness in any way.
You can't fix it.
#2. THIS ISN'T ABOUT HAPPINESS FOR AN AGING MOTHER
A) There IS no happiness in aging. Aging is a time of loss, failure, and death
B) Even if happiness were an option you are not a God and you are not a Saint and you cannot deliver happiness wrapped up with a lovely bow to your mother. You are a human being with limitations, not a fairy with a wand.

Now. You are an adult. You make choices for your own life and you pay the consequences of your choices. There ARE no EASY choices in life. You have a right to a life. You will claim that right or you will enslave yourself to your mother.
The choice is entirely yours. A martyr with no life or a woman claiming the right to her own life.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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IMO you need to do what is best for both you and your mother.

Your husband has no clue what you would be into if you continued to care for her, he has that female servitude attitude, if he wants to care for her 24/7 he can, let him and your mother move in together and he can care for her, won't take long and he will change his tune.

You are doing the right thing, MC.

I wish you the best!
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Reply to MeDolly
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This is YOUR mom. Your husbands family should have NO say in how YOUR mom is cared for.
If you are POA for mom you are the one that decides how to keep her safe.
If the way to keep her safe is to place her in Memory Care then that is what you do. If your sister is reluctant then you can arrange to have your mom transported so your sister can care for her. You can remain POA or you can tell your sister that she needs to become mom's Guardian. (with mom's dementia she can not make your sister POA)
Caring for your mom will get more difficult not easier.
Placing her in MC now will allow her to become more familiar with the surroundings and the activities letting her have a better experience.
Don't get me wrong, she most likely will decline a bit when she first becomes a resident and she may say she hates you, hates it there. But she will have 24/7 caregivers if needed. No they are not going to do things the way you do them but she will be cared for. And you can be a daughter again, a wife, and a mom.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Why does your husband's culture get to dictate? Do what you know is best for her and for yourself, which fortunately in this case are the same thing.
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Reply to MG8522
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You are spot on that she should thrive much better in a social program rather than sitting at home doing nothing to keep her memory working.
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Reply to MACinCT
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Either your family takes over the caregiving ( releasing you ) or you place Mom .
Your family does not get to force you to continue 24/7 hands on caregiving . As the caregiver , only you decide how you want to proceed .
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Reply to waytomisery
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