My father currently has many medical problems and has constantly been in the hospital or rehab. for the past six months. I have NEVER had a good relationship with him as my parents were divorced when I was a baby (I didn't like him when he WASN'T sick, and have had no relationship with him over the past several years). My sister who lives close decided to have him move in at her house. Her relationship is the complete opposite of mine and she sees him through rose colored glasses. I told her that I would help HER as much as I can, but nothing I do is ever enough and she resents me for not doing more. I told her up front that I didn't support this decision. I have helped her by going out to where he lived in another state when he was in the hospital for months (at my own expense), stayed with him in the hospital through delirum in which I was physically abused by him, helped take him to many doctors appointments once he was moved, gone over to her house and stayed for the weekend so her family could go on vacation. I have my own mental health issues with severe anxiety and depression which is exacerbated by all of this stress. I work five days a week in a job where I travel extensively as I am also the main financial and insurance provider of my own family. Long story short (I know, it's already too late), what can I do to establish boundaries? This stress is killing me...........and I just want to move or run far, far, far, away...........
My second thought is that you unintentionally confused your sister about what your role would be. You said you disagree with her plan, but would help as much you can -- and then you list all the ways you went beyond what was reasonable for your mental health, physical health, financial health etc., going along with her plan that you say you told her you disagree with.
I don't mean to be critical of you at all in this difficult situation, but your actions and words don't seem to agree and it may be confusing the heck out of your sister as well.
http://parenting.exposed/do-the-flying-monkeys-ever-see-the-psychopath-for-who-they-really-are/
Best of luck!
I would put in writing what you are willing to do, what days monthly you are willing to do them. When she throws a fit, gently remind her that you didn't agree with the plan from the 1st and you have gone above and beyond and it is not sustainable.
Give her alternative solutions, lists of agencies, lists of facilities, housekeepers and then stick to your guns. This will probably get ugly before it gets over, but no one can make another person step up and do what they want done, she is unreasonable to request that you do caregiving because she decided. Nope, sorry, you chose this path and you have to figure it out and I am not your solution.
You can do this, hopefully your sister will see that he needs professional care and it is not worth fighting with her sister.
Hugs! What a crummy position to be put in.
It comes up in conversations and comments all the time. She cannot let it go.
A few weeks ago I went to her place to tell her I have cancer, and her response was this "Well, your dad will be happy to see you". WTH? I'm NOT dying and in fact, caught this so early, I fully expect a compete cure.
Even if I was actively dying--what a thoughtless thing to say to someone.
I keep trying to have a good relationship with mother and I now have simply given up It's too stressful and depressing. She becoming forgetful and says whatever comes to her mind and it's not usually nice.
I talked this over with my YB who is pretty much as off board as he can possibly be. Told him what she'd said, etc and told him I was going 'grey rock' on her ( there's a post dedicated to that going on!) Said he ABSOLUTELY HAD TO STEP UP whether he wanted to or not. I cannot and will not do any more steppin and fetchin for her.
His response was that he felt really guilty and bad, he was always happy to let me handle the 'garbage'---but not any more. For the first and only time in my life I am putting myself first.
Whether TB contacts my 2 sisters and the brother with whom mother lives--I don't know. And I don't care.
Sometimes self preserving is being tougher than you think you can be. This is not what I want, but it's what's best.
Might be best for you to walk away, too.
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud (Author), John Townsend (Author) is a really good one. Also,
This one helped me to understand why I have trouble with boundaries given that I was raised in a home with very poor boundaries.
Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin - How to Recognize and Set Healthy Boundaries
by Anne Katherine
One last question: if you are involved because there may be an inheritance (and I'm not saying this as an accusation) then maybe it's time to give up this attachment and you will be very free to walk away. Wishing you the best in a tricky situation.
You can do some of the paperwork that may be necessary.
As long as she understands that you can not handle him.
When she needs a break can you help arrange Respite care? Either in the house or in a facility? Is your Dad a Veteran? If so can you get his paperwork and find out if he qualifies for any help through the VA? Depending on where and when he served he may be eligible for a little help or a LOT. And the VA is expanding what is covered and what problems constitute a "service connected disability"
This might be a GREAT help for your sister.
Again support your sister as much as possible and once in a while send her a "little something" a card, flowers, candy anything so she knows you are thinking about her and you appreciate what she is doing.
Do you value your sister? If so, tell her and then let her know the things you are willing to help with. If not, walk away. You don’t need to stress yourself out!
It would be nice if you validated how she is feeling in all of this but don't downplay yours. Something along the lines of
"Hey sister, it looks like some things have changed with dads condition, I think it's more than either one of us thought it would be caring for him full time. If you need help with (insert menial tasks that do not put your mental health in jeopardy here - picking up meds, sending/dropping a meal off on your off day, scheduling his doctors appointments, shopping for his toiletries while you shop for your own) I am more than happy to help with that. However, you know I have my own issues I am dealing with and I am on the edge right now so direct or extended contact with dad is not something I can commit to. I want to make sure you have the help you need though, do we need to look at some long term care options or find a volunteer companion through catholic social services to help bridge the gap?"
Again, caregiving is HARD! But you shouldn't feel forced to help especially if you told her you were against it. One of my brothers told me the exact same thing and I just know not to call him for anything about mom. The other brother promised to do certain things and he up and disappeared the day mom moved in. I think you were very clear. Just time to redefine some boundaries.
Such great advice here from others as to boundaries — setting them & keeping them. Also advice for ways to support HER without being around HIM. Both of those have helped me the past few years.
I have been on both sides — moving Mom in with us & realizing The Waltons it is not & hubby being upfront in expectations when his sisters decided to move their mom in with them — and both times reality is so far off the mark of what was anticipated. The best way to help your sister is to know what you will & won’t do, sticking to it. You matter just as much as she does.
Again, you’re not terrible — you’re the complete opposite of it.
As for your sister, you said it- nothing you do is good enough for her, so why continue to try? I've got SILs exactly like that... and after 40 years I just don't care what they think anymore. Make the occasional visit, smile when you don't feel like it, but don't allow either of them to victimize you. And change that title from "I am the terrible sibling" to "I am the TOUGH sibling." Be tough for yourself.
Your sister is at fault here for expecting you to do what? Has she stated what she expects of you - or is she just playing the martyr? She knows you travel to earn a living. Does she expect you to quit your job?
Take a stand for yourself and understand that we’re all not in a position to be caretakers, nor are we any good at it. It’s okay. It’s more than okay if our health is affected. Believe me, I know. The stress of it almost killed me.
Sit your sister down and tell her you know she is stressed beyond measure but the situation is unsustainable. You are not available to help at the level she needs and no amount of passive aggressive anger or guilt from her is going to change your actions.
Dysfunctional families make the whole family sick when the parent gets ill. Good luck.
And I would ask your thoughts about your anxiety,etc,specifically if you thought everything stems from your family dynamics. Toxic family systems are known to be the source of anxiety stress, depression, auto-immune issues, etc., especially within the empathic (highly feeling) member(s).
That stress is physically + mentally KILLING you.
And the fact that you want "to move or run far, far, far, away." shows that you know that your family situation is TOXIC, in levels not understood by those who have normal family dynamics.
Boundaries are needed. Boundaries have consequences. Are you in a vulnerable position? YES., will you be cut-off from everything, possibly yes; however, protecting yourself, etc. is the most important.
You've reached your maximum tolerance point, understand nothing will ever change no matter what you say or do. Explaining yourself will do ZERO. She will reach out when she needs something, conversely be prepared that she might withhold all information, and might tell you that she pulled the plug, so to speak, to shame you for not being there, even though the toxic catch-22 dynamics make it impossible for you to be there.
It's up to you, emotionally you must mourn his death now, separation will save your LIFE. Literally it will save your life.
YUCK!!!
Much caring to you, you are a light for all.
As you wrote, your sister has an entirely different relationship with him and she can make her decisions that are right for her.
Stop being a door mat for your sister to walk all over you. Be blunt and direct with her. If she made the decision to bring him into her home, she can use an outside agency that has the resources to help her.
There is no reason for you to be involved anymore. (maybe to take your sister out once in awhile, treat for her, and let her vent to you about how hard it is to be a caregiver to your Dad.)
Your words of ........."I don't know how you do it, I could never as you know." or...God has a special place in heaven for you, sis. or I think I would have been dead by now if I took on the job you have decided to do.
I appreciate you.
I commend you.
Let her know how much you admire her. Let her know also, directly, that you are NOT available to be there for your Dad, your family, your health, and her sanity suffer too much for you to be able to do it.
Good luck to you.
PS. My older brothers thought they could take over once my mom turned 90. Make sure you NEVER give her advice on how to care for Dad. Make sure you NEVER want to make health decisions for Dad, etc. Since you will not be involved with her care, you have no right to be involved in any other decisions (especially financial). Your sister will be POA, conservator, etc.