I am in a situation that I am sure is not unique. I am the oldest and I am the only son. I have two sisters and they are as different as night and day. I live about 2 hours away and I have a highly demanding job. I am also the only child that left home after high school and made something of myself and that has led to jealously. I have money because I sacrificed other things so I could have a nice life. Now the issue. I have one sister who goes and visits my parents on Saturday but she cannot take a day off to take them to very important appointments (Dad has cancer and mom has mental health issues). She swears she is doing so much and needs some help. In the mean time, I take vacation days and go up and take the both to most of their more important appointments. I end up having to stay at a hotel because the same sister's son lives with my parents for free and they will not even make him leave so I have a place to stay (he is 21). My other sister, who is sweet, has just come out of an abusive relationship and was abused by both my mom and dad when she was younger. She was the only child left in house because both myself and my other sister had left home. She is the only one of us who actually talks to my mom on the phone. Myself and my other sister just cannot put up with moms BS. My question, is there something wrong with me? Should I expect my sisters to actually help and give up something or should I just accept that I am the only adult and just do it all? It is affecting my health, my relationship with my wife and my job. I am out of vacation time for the year and I have to pretend to be in the office so my dad and mom can go to their appointments. My middle sister is showing all the same signs as my mom from a mental health perspective so maybe I should give her the slack she wants? I am in a pickle.
Time for a come to Jesus talk with mom and family. Mom pays for assistance at home or facility, which would be more economical. Nephew pays going area rental rates with a signed rental agreement or he's evicted as a squatter. You said mom is also severely depressed, has she threatened to harm herself or dad? If so time for psychiatric evaluation and treatment. Mom and narc sis feed off of each other. Your younger sister sounds like she cares for her parents unconditionally but is also still trying to win mom's approval, which will never happen so sis tries harder, mom slaps her back down in a vicious cycle only mom understands. Mom feels that YOU owe her, I'm sure with jealous sister egging her on, validating mom's belief. Get out while you can, set strong boundaries and maybe help youngest sis see she too is fighting a losing battle.
Second point. Neither you nor your remaining sister have to do anything at all for your parents You are not responsible for them.
Why can't your parents make their own way to their appointments? Why can't their grandson who lives with them drive them to appointments? It is not his responsibility either, but he is right there.
It sounds like there are layers of dysfunction in your family. You need to step back and look from afar at how the dynamics are playing out. Why do you feel obligated to take a day off work to take them to appointments? Have you looked at other options for transportation? Why do you feel your sisters have a similar obligation?
On that note, I have had a busy day. I informed everyone that this trip up tomorrow to take dad to his next procedure is my last for the foreseeable future. I have contacted the local agency on aging, but there were less than helpful because they did not want to talk to me but to my parents to go over the services they can offer. I guess they don't have a page on dealing with narcissist so I am sure when they called, that conversation went over like a lead balloon. I reached out to another home health agency to find them home care but I am certain mother will have none of that so back to square one but this time, without me. I don't have a POA and giving over control is not something that mom will stand for. It is not even worth the legal fight to get to it.
Your mother is a manipulative narcissist.
You are never going to change your sisters.
You have your own family and they are your first and most important responsibility, not your parents, who actually have money.
That your parents *choose* to not use their money to pay for help is not *your* problem - it's their problem.
The 21 year old is living with your parents for free because your parents *choose* to allow him to live there for free. You aren't going to change him either.
What are you going to tell your wife (and kids?) if you lose your job because you put your parents ahead of her (and them??)?
You seem to recognize that your upbringing was dysfunctional, and the family dynamic was unhealthy. You rebuilt your life and deserve to live it.
My BIL and SIL moved in with FIL 3 years ago. At the time it was because they needed a roof over their heads. FIL was reasonably self sufficient at the time. Fast forward a few months and anything SIL did once, was now required. FIL is a raging narcissist and even though doctors, PT, OT, and numerous other medical professionals have assured all of us that he is physically capable of doing more, he flat out refuses and has said "why should I when she is here to do it for me?". Not even "help" but "do". He LOVES having someone around to do his bidding and to blame...for everything.
Caregiving is a challenge for even the most patient person working with the sweetest, easiest patient. Please please consider the potential of how much full time caregiving even split across 3 people could explode into more than any of you are prepared to give. Consider ALL of your options before you make a move.
you may be able to help by helping them obtain other services.
Depending on their financial situation and Medicare vs Medicaid . The va has services if dad was a vet. They are resources to assist them other than you .
each state has resources to assist the elderly , meals on wheels , transportation . You may want to contact senior services in the county . Your fathers treating Dr. should be able to contact you to a Sw . Local hospital Pallative care program.
also each state has adult protective service agency .
remember to take care of your self . Companies have EAP which may be a resource for you as well .
good luck .
It is standing uo to bullies. Something your dad should have done long ago.
Your parents are triangulating you (oh look at poor dad's situation, you wouldnt want dad to suffer).
If the AAA can't help, call APS and report yur dad as a vulnerable elder
Decide what you can reasonable do. If that means giving up one week's vacation for their needs then so be it. But once that week is used up you are done. Stop paying for services. They don't appreciate it and they can afford it themselves. Just because your mother thinks it is your responsibility does not make it so.
As the above poster said...stop doing things on their terms.
From what you've said here, it sounds like you and your siblings came from a dysfunctional home and have probably been dealing with your parents BS for all of your lives. Make the offer to help if you want to by arranging some in-home care or by finding them a senior community to move to. Always remember that the only way to be any kind of a caregiver or help is that it has to be on YOUR terms, not theirs.
It sounds like they are/or have moving from *independent* to the next stage *inter-dependant*.
The responsibility to arrange their care needs is theirs. They can ASK family/friends/neighbours for rides, groceries, cleaning etc but realistically they will need a sustainable plan. Not a few favours here & there.
You have already identified your Mother feels *entitled*. That she expects family to provide this - for free. Some assume you will be on call 24/7 - at their beck & call. Mine did. This is common. Reality chat time with Mother.
You may wish to re-word in a nicer way 😉
"Hey Folks. You got old. And sick. Not your fault. Not mine either. And I can't fix it. You will need to arrange the care you need. Your choices are;
A. Get help in
B. Move. AL has the help provided
Simple eh?"
Now if they are truly incapable of arranging the help themselves, then enduring POA takes over & arranges it.
There are more choices.. but start with those.
There is definately NO option that says enslave adult children & they must forgot their own family, home & job to support me as I wish in my own home for as long as I want.
There needs to be a book on this *Aging Parents - Caring without going Cuckoo* ??
But you found this forum with loads of people who have been through similar - welcome.
For YOURSELF, for a more professional view on family dynamics I would start with the Boundaries book (by Dr Henry Cloud). Have you read it? (It's very churchy but non-church types can still read it). I found it amazing to get a clearer look at my own situation - a huge shoving of responsibilities onto me (that were not mine to own). A mess of porous boundaries where no-one had confidence to say no in a healthy way & instead said yes due to F.O.G (fear obligation guilt). Ring any bells?
As stated by others, YOUR responsibilities are to yourself/spouse/child/job.
Your folks are responsible for their own lives.
Yes, there is something wrong with your thinking.
"I have to pretend to be in the office so my dad and mom can go to their appointments."
Do not do this anymore. Stop it.
Jobs are scarce. And if you want to keep your job, be honest. Does your job cover 'family leave'?
Just do not miss work for your parents.
If you cannot be there, hire caregivers at your parent's expense to drive them to their appointments.
You've got this. It is doable. Do not count on siblings, thereby saving your time, money, and stress level.
Keep reading on the forum to find out what long-distance caregivers have done to provide care for their aging parents. Whether you are close-by, or across the nation, caregive from a distance, imo.
Sorry, I had no time to sugarcoat my answer to you. But I care.
P.S. Have the 21 y.o. drive them.
You don't actually mention your parents a whole lot here, and why it is that they are needing so much care from the family. Because it seems to me the real question here is whether or not it is time for your parents to move into ALF for care.
I don't feel that any children are responsible to do caretaking for their parents if they do not wish to.That is to say I don't see that as an obligation of the child. Nor for one child to judge whether another is giving enough, or too much. That is up to the individual.
To be honest, if I had an abusive parent while growing up, I would not be involved in their lives after I was able to escape their home. Not in any way whatsoever.
So that is to say that we are all different. The care Sister #1 chooses to give is up to her. The care Sister #2 chooses to give is up to her. The care you choose to give is up to you. The amount of care you choose to give will depend on many many things. How much you love your parents, how close you are in miles, how much time you have, what your personal limitations are, the needs of your own nuclear family (which, to be honest, ARE your obligation, and MUST come first.)
So it is a matter of your parents deciding whether they can maintain on their own now, or if they need to go into assisted or independent living.
Wishing you all a lot of luck. Remember that the only person you have the slightest control of, therefore the only one you have real input with, is yourself. It sounds to me as though you have a family and a very busy life; concentrate more on them, and less on the parents.
Thank you for the words or encouragement and the advice. It just feels good to get some of these feeling out in the open. I am sure a lot of people are in the same situation.
Do you want to care for your parents or is it out of some form of obligation?
Can they hire caregivers? Have you contacted a social worker to help plan for their future? What about Council on Aging in your area?
Is the young man acting as a caregiver to them?
For just a moment, ask yourself what your parents would do if the three of you didn't exist. There are social services that your parents can access that will get them the help they need, yes?
Does either of your parents have a social worker or case manager?
YOU (and your sisters) are allowed to say "no, I can't possibly do that." It sounds as though both of your parents need a higher level of care than a child who stops in to do occasional shopping or tidying.
The 21 year old who lives there, does he do any caregiving, or can he take them to appointments?
Every county in the US has a local Area Agency on Aging. I encourage you to look them up and give them a ring tomorrow. Your parents need a "needs assessment" to find out what they need and someone to find out what they are eligible for (like a Medicaid paid homemaker, mental health services for mom, etc).
Please let us know how you make out with that all important first step!