I am at my wits end and it is apparently my own fault?

Just because your parents had you does NOT obligate you to be their caregivers. We were not asked to be put on this earth. That's on them. It sounds like your parents need to be in assisted living facility or home. Please do not destroy your life for them.

If your parents are on medicaid, it will be easy to put them in a nursing home with a doctor's order. However, there also may be services Medicaid has to offer like transport. Talk to a social worker.

So why is the abused daughter (by the parents) living in their house with her son? If she was abused why live there to take more abuse? Seems sort of convenient in a way. She gets to live there, but not do anything bc she is abused? Something isn't right with that equation.

Thomas, perhaps you need to rethink your own role in this. You cannot control what others do, whether your sisters, your nephew or (most importantly) your father and your mother. You cannot make your parents ‘safe and happy’. They are going to die eventually, so saying you could not ‘live with myself should something happen to either of my parents’ is not sensible. Many deaths are precipitated by something going wrong (eg a fall), even if there is much more intensive care than you could ever provide.

You and your sister are propping up dependence, not independence. Your sister feels she can’t cope, you and your wife aren’t going well. This will get gradually worse. Where is your father in this? If he is not in intensive cancer care, living with cancer doesn’t mean that he can’t make sensible decisions. Mental illness or not, why is your mother being allowed to call the shots? Because she always has? Are your parents tolerating the nephew to keep your sister in the loop, and your sister is in the loop to provide accommodation for your nephew? When you feel that things are breaking down, you are probably already past the point where change is due.

Perhaps you, your wife and your sister need to talk through what is workable , as suggested already. It would help your marriage to ask for wife about options for change – if you have been resistant to change, you have probably ignored or criticised her comments so far. When you work things out, you present the options to your parents. If they won’t accept any of them, you back off. Wait for the crisis. It could be the only way.

In the meantime, see if you can get the paperwork in order – HIPPA, wills, POA. If your parents won’t co-operate, you have proof positive that you have no power, no rights, no influence, and that you can’t do the ‘safe and happy’ outcome. Back off until something happens to force a change.

The only thing I would add to this useful information is this: you CANNOT change anyone but yourself. This can be very freeing when you truly understand what it means.

Thomas, stop. Just stop. You are like the frog in water. At first it was just a few things and now the water’s boiling and your need to help is affecting your family.

Take a breath, get a pen and paper and write down exactly what you are willing to do for your parents that will preserve your family and your sanity. Then ask your sisters the same question and write down their answers. Now, take another page and write down all the things your parents apparently need that they don’t have. That includes legal things like POAs, wills, etc. in addition to home maintenance and health care.

Finally, compare the two lists and the mismatch represents what someone else needs to do. Can these things be done by a home caregiver, an elder attorney, meals on wheels, care transport, etc. or are there other options. See if your sisters will help finding the resources. Then tell your parents exactly what their options are. Let them decide, but stick to your plan. If they refuse, as is their right, and you remain concerned for their welfare, contact Social Services and let the system decide. Even then, don’t let anyone guilt you into sacrificing your life and your family.

Thomas, one thought I have--why not ask your parents, especially your mother, what it is that they are saving their money for? If they want to leave an inheritance, that makes it a little better, but realistically they should be spending THEIR money for THEIR needs, and depending upon how long they live and in what shape they're in, the money may be depleted anyway. However, if they expect you to spend YOUR money on them (as opposed to using it to support your own family) but have no intention of leaving you an inheritance if anything is left, then this is simply evil, and is narcissism in its purest form. (Perhaps they want to give it the 21 y/o "prince"?)

Part5 a few things now having seen my injuries take over my life both sisters have come together and see my side of love and care and sharing and giving breaks my middle sister picks my mom up a lot takes her to eat or keeps her for a few days as for my younger brother he has other important people who needs him but he continues to pick up my mom for church and has always been on my side and agreed with me but disabled baby has his family 99% busy. After my oldest sis threw my injuries in my moms face and yelled at me to tell her she did this to me I still refused to say that to my mom but my mom knows I’m hurt and helps me with rubbing my back or even makes me food it’s cute because my sis yells at her saying u don’t even make ur self food why u make her food. I laugh and say cuz now she loves me more not y’all anymore. My mom n I became very close after I became a teen mom. My sis’sn bro had a great childhood and I was abused but I got help and so did she it finally helped her and I see why family counseling was the best thing we ever did together.as an adult I have never yelled at her and since 17 when I had my son she has never yelled or hit me once. I respect my mom n even though she was like a child for a while and had to relearn many things like how to eat and walk I was there by her side helping her. She got better but never got 100% so she when my sis would yell n fight with her they didn’t understand why she was listening to me as I spoke to her like a child with concerns n love and told her things like I don’t want to be scared for her and I don’t want other people to hurt her and take from her but most important I want her to be alive and see her grandkids grow. She b****es at my sis’s I’m now 40yrs old she still has not yelled or anything at me since 17yrs. She knows that even though I’m injured I will never allow anyone to lock her up unless it’s a family decision.she will will have visitors n be able to go eat if she is put in a nursing home. My sis’s are finally agreeing because I told them I love mom enough to get arrested didn’t think I’d get hurt but I did I don’t blame her for it and i will do it again all over if I had to but instead I would have either gotten guardianship first or demanded APS show up ASAP before allowing the cops to arrest me. Maybe give ur sis who was abused the option to be in control of ur mom since they speak often. I’m sure if she speaks to her she probably doesn’t hate her. Be a team and decide what is benefiting all members but also get input from each member of what they want to happen. This way u get to plan out who gets what and who has the best interest for there safety n well-being. Get info and put in on paper and allow ur dad to be involved if possible he knows what he wants I’m sure. Don’t allow others to decide for him. Unless he doesn’t care what happens then he is not mentally capable. Get involved with medical drs have some say. Especially to get notified and be allowed to get info from drs if u were to call. That’s a major one. If u want what is best get involved before others take control or u have to stand back n watch the horror helpless. I had to with my Gma. Have family involved but mostly for keeping company if possible that is the best thing so rides to drs n shopping are not a big deal get providers or if family members want to be paid become payee n pay them with ur parents money, use ur money for outside help don’t pay family direct. Have them sign up for providing services but they can easily not do the job or hrs because they are there it’s easy for them to clock in an out n scam the system. Damand a stranger who works for agencies. Maybe even change them out every few months or so so u know it’s not a friend who is the provider.ur parents are probably giving out money like my Gma did to anyone who asked n anyone who stayed n spent time. Ask for Receipts. Take ur dad to SSI become his payee so he is taken care of. Ask dad if u can take over n go. Removemom

You are not alone. Not that it helps but my brother and I are having the same problem. We alternate staying with my mon who is 87. She is declining and managed to get her into a beautiful and expensive place. She actually suggested it an now is digging in a refusing to go. What makes it even more challenging is my mother (I loathe to actually say it) is NOT a nice person, never has been. Caustic, negative, narcissistic (very) and very very difficult to deal with. When my dad was alive he bore the brunt. No wonder he drank. But he was an enabler and she behaved any way she wanted to 55 years. She continues that behavior and there is lots and lots of tension. She has all her mental faculties audit cannot be excused as aging. She has ALWAYS been this way. My brother gave up a very lucrative job she she wouldn't be alone when my dad dies 5 years ago. My wife passed suddenly at 43 so I moved to give him some relief. I have been here six months and at my breaking point. Obviously my brother has far more patience than I do. The other overwhelming aspect is the we just don't like our mother. We have discussed this many times. We are committed to doing the "right" thing as sons but gritting our teeth has become a constant challenge. She has been dreadful as long as we can remember. She was deliberately unkind to my wife and still to my brothers wife who visits intermittently out of duty but we try not to subject her to it. Our mother is intentionally unkind her. You simply cannot change a narcissist. I hate to say it but we are eager that she go somewhere so we can regain some semblance of lives without her in them daily

part4 make sure the are not her payees that is a major major issue with people who live for free. U can be her payee from a different city as long as u make sure money is accessible for food n other Necessities. You can make sure all her bills are paid on your side. Or you can call SSDI/SS I and request them to give a PAyee from their company and put a lock on it from getting transferred to a random person or family member. Someone took my mom to the Social Security office and transferred her SSDI in there name as her payee. Then a couple years later a distant relative took her took her to change her drivers license address that became an issue as well and I hope that the laws would be changed for people with dementia or mental disabilities because it’s very easy to change over their payee paycheck if there address is the same as there ID, As long as they are with them at ssi office they can transfer SSDI/SSI in their name.

And if ur mom n dad own a home in Texas if they get provider services from Disabled Aging n Development DADS they are single and are able to live n keep the home if they are caring for them when they pass. is what I read for a friend of mine.

So have a living will drawn up its ur best option. If ur gonna pay anyone to care hire from a company because family who lives in home definitely needs a break and DADS does offer care to provide family time for themselves. And also can provide daycare like a center for ur mom to go spend time away from home and has shuttle service. They offer discounts as well. Make sure u play nice with mom get her Durable POA especially on financial because u don’t want her to be taking advantage of those not employed or living for free. Have copies of all drs n SSDI n medical and any other things like bills n more be also sent a copy to ur address to make sure nothing is going wrong. I did it with my mom had her credit reporting and more sent to me and found her credit being used and that is fraud. Had a friend who family home was signed over to her provider she had for years literally family wasn’t aware but since she had access to the home n everything inside they changed over the home after dad passed and couldn’t provide proof because all documents were destroyed and document in court files important paperwork. I’m sure I got more info but that’s all I can remember right now. Hopefully I can get a Attorney to open up a certain Circumstance case for my injuries but also I’m hoping to find my Gma because I love her and want her to know that I’m looking for her and I care. Especially because locking the elderly up away from families is wrong even if some people have taken advantage of them like lowlifes but as long as they are not removed from nursing home I see no reason why family can’t visit. I’m not on the side of those cousins n aunts that have taken advantage of her n my mom but I know my Gma and she loves all of us and she never pushed anyone out her life yes she stopped helping them but never stopped caring about them. So it hurts to know she has so much family who would love to buy her food or visit but no one will say anything n have there circle of allowed people. But she had 9kids 1 stepdaughter my mom but my grandpa adopted 5 of her other kids so we definitely are apart of her, I told my sister if mom needs to be in a nursing home I wanna put them together so at least they have eachother but of course my sister won’t go out her way to look for my Gma cuz they were close. N Im working on my SSDI so it’s hard to care for elderly. Please do all that u can pick them up keep them for a weekend I did when my sisters had my mom n dad. But never did they do it for me. It wasn’t fair. Split up chores bill paying groceries shopping drs appts taking care of setting up funeral before death. Take care of wills n trust, deeds, take over payees and have auto drawn rent n bills taken then give weekly allowance to make sure funds last. Birthcet n wills n docs in bank. Or attorney

Thomas,
You certainly cannot handle all of the care needed for your parents alone. There is nothing wrong with your feelings. I highly recommend hiring a caregiver either private or through an agency. They can help and take parents to the many doctor appointments. If HIPPA forms are signed each doctor can communicate freely with you. You cannot make your sisters do more than they are willing. I would expect the grandson living with them to complete a list of household chores or else move. Can the sisters help pay for caregivers or at least have groceries delivered and meals? Ask them to decide how they can help without physically being there.
I am the oldest of four, both brothers estranged from parents, sister critically ill in hospital from covid she had in Dec. I had to hire help but it was still exhausting managing everything. Dad passed but now I used home delivery for everything, groceries, meds and household items.
Please message me and I can give more information.
We live in Jax, Fl.

Part3 APS closes case but April 20th I get a call from hospital asking how my mom is doing thank god I submitted the durable POA to all hospitals but for future submit them into the courts as well it will help more. But remember guardianship is the only way a cop won’t turn u down!!! So I call my Gma n mom they had been in a accident my mom was hospitalized with a head injury unconscious they didn’t buckle her seatbelt and my Gma has Fractured ribs and a broken hand. So I came over to assist and found out in feb my mom had 2 fractured ankles and hadn’t bathed or brushed her teeth, my aunt was spending both there SSDI checks n leaving them home a lot. My mom lost 40pounds in 4 months. I’m really injured still n my mom wants to come home. After taking her to SSDI to make a statement of how she was cooking bacon n egg since that’s all she could make and eating only chips my Gma was eating microwave food every day. But she had no money for a pedicure for her May birthday. She came home with me a week later. I told her I cannot care for u anymore and I need help. My sister is now saying that I deserve what happened because I should have left her locked up. And deal with it myself, I need help mentally physically emotionally. After a few months I fight to my mom in hospital n demand they find a nursing home for her cuz I can’t function. I’m visiting her taking her food but A few months later I’m being evicted and it’s time to get my mom or leave her cuz her insurance ran out. So under my nose my sister removed her. I’m fine with it but irritated since she didn’t help me months ago. I’ve struggled to press charges on officer but department would make reasons to not let me make statements 4months finally police chief was aware and never called Back to reschedule video interviews. Now with Medicaid Superior my MRIs have been denied 6times requested by different specialists too. Attorneys stated they will help but bring MRIs n they will take my case. I requested videos of injury from police but they required my Gma to sign notarized statements releasing video. But my aunt locked up my Gma in a nursing home and won’t allow me or a lot of other family members to know where she is at or visit her. Especially I’m sure she got pissed when I took my mom to SSDI to have her reported. So I could understand why she’s mad but she has allowed my grandma health n family to not have any contact. My Gma is not happy I’m very sure of that. I’m one of her favorite granddaughters and even after I took my mom home she still called me over. But was told she was left alone in apt with no phone for 2 months and then put in hospital shortly after they locked up at nursing home. As for my mom she’s living with my sister still n ok both my sister finally got over it. N now helping me with random stuff n helping watch my kids while I go to hospital n drs. My oldest still in kidney failure waiting for transplant. Got my apt after living in a shelter n getting mental help n physical is finally getting treatment it took 3yrs to get my first MRI after Case management for mental health ended up changing insurance n I ended up being hospitalized after my legs gave out n ended up in a walker. So far 8 Vertebrates Missed up having injections and then surgery, two major ones in my neck two major ones in my lumbar still waiting for thoracic mri. Cop Injury Jan 2017, my 2016 mri believe shows only 2 discs missed up.
2012 car accident mri 4 herniated disc 2cervical very minor n 2 in lumber. Many times before my injury I asked my sisters to split up my mom 1week each n I would take her 2 weeks as a set schedule because she wants to be with us all. They denied it. Cancer doesn’t mean he is not able to make decisions. he still might have the power to give u Durable POA especially over himself. ur mom has a mental disability is she mentally capable he might also be able to give u both POA. My Gma had everyone taking advantage of her Goto part 4

part 2- my cousin is sleeping while my mom is awake and my mom is wondering the streets leaving the doors wide-open,found drinking in the street in the rain and well more but my cousin is at fault but saying it’s my mom. Anyways my sister locks up my mom in nursing home and no one is allowed to take her out to eat or anything. We can visit her but that’s about it. We are stuck with our kids n her n her roommate at the nursing home n my kids are begging to take my mom to eat or just take her home to live with us. I requested that my sister remove the lock on her she didn’t listen, after many requests and advising that her actions are a family decision and she is not in charge and if she doesn’t remove it I will take my mom out. She didn’t listen because she’s oldest and she is in charge so she thinks. I delivered my durable medicalPOA and durable POA to nursing home and my mom was released into my custody. My sister thought that her POA she got after my mom had her dementia was valid she was shocked. Now that definitely did make my life hell but also better. My oldest sister wasn’t speaking to me. Now everything is great until my oldest son goes into kidney failure rare disease called Alpert’s does a domino effect on his health including his eyes n ears traveling to different cities because his rare disease needed specialists who knew of his disease. So then my mom is acting up she wants life to revolve around her. N I’m now caring for my mom with dementia my oldest son in kidney failure his horrible baby mom n my 8month old grandson I ended up caring for 90% of the time and my 7yr old son. I’m a single mom n finding ways to pay the bills since my sons health issues came first so credit card and savings are running out. My mom now decides to runaway and live with her stepmom my step gma who was good to me but she’s 76 yrs old with osteoporosis her daughter my moms stepsister who well lets just say should not be caring for anyone and has a big history of drug n street life after her kids died. She’s recovered but still not trustworthy she is gone 4days a week. So now my mom is missing and well I call the cops, I find out she’s there and I requested the cops come help me get my mom back home. Well cop now is not even trying to help me out because get this I don’t have full guardianship and not even a durable power of attorney can help me. He states because my mom is 18yrs n older she can live wherever she wants. I asked him to plz talk to me in private but he denied I told him I have all her hospital records in my truck n she is not allowed to be left alone she needs 24/7 care and I have documents he didn’t care. Fine if I leave her can he makes sure she gets to doctors appt at 2pm because she is bleeding from her Colostomy. He said NO! I said she doesn’t even have her bags she poops in or her meds or jacket n clothes how can she live here he told me to go home pick them up and Bring them to her. Are u f**ken crazy is what I wanted to say. But instead I say I cannot leave her her she is not safe they allow her to wonder and but alcohol and who knows they probably have drugs n she will leave and get lost my Gma can’t care for her and my aunt is gone 4 days in a row. I wasn’t rude or arguing or yelling at all. But i definitely was never told to Leave by my grandma but the cop kept telling my Gma if she wanted to press charges she kept saying no many times and then finally like after 8-10times after I asked for my moms ring she told him ok. He arrested me for trespassing but wait even worse he very rough with me n I’ve never been arrested and has me in the air my left hand comes out the cuff n he’s pissed starts yelling picks me up n slammed me on my back. Im injured. He kept saying I’m lying n faking. Long story my hands are blue n I can’t walk or move my hands. After released I call APS they allowed my mom to stay n help them with drs n meds n more. 5th May I get letter stated they found nothing wrong close case. Goto part 3

been Thur this so here’s what happened to me. I’m the youngest sister I was abused by my mom as a child until I was 15 During family counseling I was told my real dad beat my mom raped her n i was conceived. I love my mom always have but I knew I was different. My step dad was always coming to my rescue. Haha. My mom became an alcoholic 2009 n we all 4 adults children all at the same time tried to get her into rehab but my stepdad refused it. 2010 We children were unable to admit her because my stepdad was married to her and we had no legal right. So that’s what the rehab and hospital told us. So when he had a stroke in 2011 I called ems n admitted her into rehab next day. Now my mom has been diagnosed yrs before with major depressed. I brought both parents to come live with me since I would be able to readmit her every time she relapsed. Which she did and I got her sober and my other siblings basically turned away and didn’t speak to her or him after leaving the rehab after getting denied. So rehab n continued visits n NA/AA along with no alcohol in the home worked great. I had POA for my mom and I thought everything was fine but then my parents convinced my oldest sister that I was not buying them sodas n snacks and I was being mean so they went to live with her. Not true I was minimizing them due to diabetes. And I’m not mean or disrespectful I’m timid when it came to my mom n had no reason to be rude to my stepdad. Anyways so now my oldest sister got POA for both. But I would continue to argue with both my sisters since they were given my mom alcohol and keep saying they were controlling it. So to buy out. Next thing I know they moved in with my middle sister later. Then later convenient me to get them into a apt for seniors. So I did. Didn’t realize that my mom was drinking again and had been stealing alcohol and money from my sisters that’s why she would move to the next child. Anyways about 3months later my stepdad has a stroke again and I found him on the floor had been there for 2 days. Since I’d check on them every 2 days. Called ems he was put In Hospital required to stay longer and get rehab. Now having to continue rehab and AA and 5day hospital detox over and over again with my mom. While visiting my dad at hospital he had the nurse bring in the notary to have a new POA made because he said he wants me in charge of him and my mom I said what about ur son my stepbrother shouldn’t he be in charge he said no I need u in charge of both of us. So the Notary came in and told us that we didn’t need a POA we needed something better because a regular POA is void after a new one is drawn up and if they die or become mentally incapable the POA is voided. So he Had us sign a 2 each
**“Durable Power of Attorney”** one for medical and one for other stuff like the homes and banks and more. A Durable Power of Attorney is still valid even after death or coma and dementia. So we were happy with it and my dad was too because he said ur sisters n my son are just gonna lock us up in a nursing home first chance they get. Worked great my mom 2 months later fell hit her head in the middle of the street while visiting my dad at the nursing home diagnosed her with dementia she had brain damage and had to relearn how to do a lot of things. I moved her I. With my middle sister since I had just had a car accident n couldn’t give 100% and I would go to my sis house 7am-6pm to care for my mom she had nights. Dad stayed in nursing home since he was stuck and needed men to help since now his body was curled up n in a wheelchair. Later my sister lost her job n she moved mom with oldest sister I told her to bring her to me but she didn’t listen. So after my dad got worse I was called in to pull the plug and my sisters n stepbrother got a little pissed when they found out about the new POA now he passed away and my oldest sister is leaving my mom home with my cousin who is working as my moms provider service. Red next answer it doesn’t fit.

Thomas, how are things going?

This might help:
The American Cancer Society (ACS) has teamed up with Lyft to provide free rides for those battling cancer. It is part of the society's Road To Recovery program. The rides are available to and from treatments and are free of charge, courtesy of ACS. Can you ask the hospital about it or call and maybe there is a local chapter that can help. This should take some stress off.
or https://www.cancer.org/treatment/support-programs-and-services/resource-search.html.

good luck

Thomas,
You are in a tough situation. Some of us are natural caregivers or carry guilt that gets us in these positions. I have felt like I was going out of my mind bc not only was I doing everything, but my 4 sibs, all of whom live out of state, do not support me emotionally at all other than about 5 minutes if that of our bimonthly zooms. We have been a "nice" family and never had any issues, but they simply are not there for me even though I finally came out and directly explained where I was physically and emotionally and that I needed them to call me to support me. They did not and do not respond!!! I then realized that I had a choice to stay on the pity pot and be angry or find my support elsewhere. I am not able to comprehend how they can abandon me other than to believe that they just don't get it. I have wonderful children and friends who are there for me and check in with me often. I am slowly learning to set boundaries with my aunt on my own and to let go of the sense of responsibility I have taken on for her care. Like hiring an agency while she had a terrible uti for a month and was confused. to the point of calling the police at 4am to tell them that I hadn't returned from a walk. Telling her I was no longer going to do all the cleaning, shopping, running, total care of the house. I'm getting there but have a way to go. I'm determined not to cave and to take care of myself. I am also done sending the long reports via text to keep my sibs informed. Not one has checked in for an update. I am working very hard to maintain a good attitude and accept them where they are so that when this is all over we can have a good relationship. It's a delicate balance, isn't it?!
Now I have found this group and feel support already.
Good luck!

I'd. Suggest your freeloading nephew to take mom and dad to their appointments. There is senior service folks you could hire that could possibly help with transportation. Don't let yourself become a victim to others laziness. Good luck!

Thomas,
I decided that you may just need a very little support.

I fully support your plan as stated:
" I informed everyone that this trip up tomorrow to take dad to his next procedure is my last for the foreseeable future." 

You've got this!

Normal decent parents love and make sacrifice to help their children. On the other hand, narcissistic parents eat their young for pleasure. How sick is that!

ThomasJB,
I apologize in advance for not having read the previous responses!

First off, there is nothing wrong with you!!!
It's understandable how you could feel overwhelmed with the situation.

Is it possible for the 21 year old to help with Doctors appointments?
If not, why not try Uber etc...?
There are agencies that will help with transportation for a nominal fee.

The sibling dynamics are extremely difficult!
I can tell you that as the only daughter with 3 brothers, they all thought that I was the chosen one.
In a way, they were right!
What my brothers didn't understand was that I was chosen to be the emotional support dog.
Years of criticism and guilt.
Each of your siblings may have had an entirely different experience growing up!
So please be guick to listen and slow to respond!
My point is that you have practical solutions!
Before you let this situation tear your family apart, search for those solutions.

Wishing you all the best!!

Backing away may be the only real solution. Without POA and/or Dx of cognitive decline, the agencies are not likely going to talk with you. APS can try a welfare check, but if mom has all her marbles, she can refuse to let them in. Your hands are tied too - you can't make them do or pay for anything they aren't willing to do or pay for. So long as neither has cognitive decline, backing off isn't a crime! Even with dementia it isn't, but some medical professionals, social workers or APS *might* think so - it's an iffy situation to be in, but for the most part we are not our parents' keepers. If we try to help and get rebuffed, such as hiring help and mom gets rid of them, then you've tried and she has refused. Done.

Expecting siblings to help or chip in more isn't likely to change anything either. Certainly sister who has been abused shouldn't be expected to do anything. Any wonder why she ended up in an abusive relationship? Look no further than her upbringing! The other sister, showing signs similar to mom, let them work it out between them! Even the 21 yo isn't likely to step up - why should he? He's living there scot-free now, he's not likely to change now. You can ask or even demand he take on some role in their care, but I wouldn't hold my breath! You really can't force anyone else to do anything.

Your mother rules the roost, and won't pay for help. Well, when she's no longer getting her expected "free" help, she'll have to do something. She will likely ramp up demands, so you'll have to stay strong. Don't bother making any excuses, real or not, they just provide fodder for her next attack. Simple no. If she repeats, she gets a second no. If she goes for the trifecta or "hat trick", hang up. She sounds very domineering and strong willed, so be prepared for call back - don't answer. Let it go to voicemail. Given enough times, she will likely figure it out.

While it's clear dad would need medical appointments, possible on a regular basis due to the cancer, what exactly are mom's needs? You mention you "take the both to most of their more important appointments." What are her issues, above and beyond mental health? Do either of them drive? Depending on your relationship with your dad (is it better or the same as with mom?), I might be willing to help him out, but rather than jeopardizing your job or marriage, I'd figure the cost of gas, wear and tear on oneself and the car and the cost of the hotel and might find that paying for transport (only his! let mom fend for herself!) would be less expensive and certainly less time consuming. Your own mental health will benefit from this too!

Agreed it is something THEY should pay for themselves, but IF and ONLY IF my relationship with dad was okay would I consider paying if mom refuses to pay. His treatments are likely very important, so if all else fails he could at least get there and back. It might help take a little "guilt" off you if you could provide that - but again, it is highly dependent on how you feel about him and whether it is important enough to ensure he gets treatments. Mom may reject them as well, when they show up to drive dad.

Definitely stick with that back off plan. IF she ever "comes to her senses" and realizes she needs to be nicer to get you back, weigh each request carefully. NO is a complete sentence. Use it if you must! You still have the final say. Send a list of numbers for drivers/taxis/community vans.

Abusive parents should be left to rot.

Literally if need be.

Stop helping them before you ruin your life. They're not your problem and certainly not something you should be spending any of your money on. They can take an Uber to a Dr appt.

Thomas....welcome to the forum! You have received some excellent advice from the very caring people here. I agree 100% with the advice you have been given. Please get the book Boundaries and if your dad is receiving chemo or treatment you can get in touch with the American Cancer Society to see what services your dad would qualify for. I know they provide rides to dr appts/chemo/radiation therapies. Please contact them and ask the questions you need answers to. Also, google FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). I think that will help you understand some things as well.
There are so many good folks on the forum that have walked in your shoes, so please reach out and stay connected to the caring people that can give you suggestions and encouragement!!! Liz

Sounds like you need to reexamine your priorities:

Most important human relationship - your marriage. Don't jeopardize what you have with your spouse with overwhelming responsibilities to others. Your spouse will feel neglected and the stress will bleed into this relationship.

Second most important relationship - family. Put parents and siblings on the same level of priority. Only your children will be higher in importance than parents and sibs - but always lower than spouse.

Since your parents' needs are more than any of you can handle alone, it is time for a family conference. Decide with your siblings if your parents are safe to be alone. If not, they need companions to be there all the time. Also decide if your parents' health is being adequately maintained. With a cancer diagnosis and a mental health challenge, it may be time for changes. Hire help to do the driving to and from appointments (sometimes cities and counties have special public transportation to handle this). Get more people involved in caring for your parents: family, friends, members of faith community and/or paid help. Lastly, consider that your parents' health challenges may require full time residential care: round the clock home health aides (least expensive), assisted living, or full care residential facility (most expensive). Whichever route you, your parents' resources should pay for their own care. If there is insufficient resources, talk to social work where dad is getting treatment for their help.

The #1 most important thing you wrote is "all this is having a negative impact on my marriage". That is a HUGE STOP SIGN!
This sounds too similar to the situation I was in with my wife and her need to caregive for her parents. Her brothers and sister and her Mother took full advantage of the situation and it eventually cost us our marriage.

Your issues here cannot get answered in one of these boxes.
Based on your description you are in a highly disfuntional, family. Unfortunatly your not alone. In order for your marriage and successful life you are building to survive do not be suprised if you end up breaking away from these people.

I mean this sincerely. You should stop after you read this. Sit down with your wife, the two of you find someone NOW to help you manuever thru this mine field (family) your in. I urge you to find a therapist or a clergy if you are active in a church. All the dynamics you have here can't be figured out in one of these response boxes. Check your health insurance at work it will most likely pay for some or all of the therapy.

I suggest some books:
The seven habits of highly effective families by Steven Covey
Seven Principles for making a Marriage Work Dr John Gottman
Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud& Dr Henry Townsend
Tough times dont last tough, tough people do. Rev Robert Shuller
Don't You know who I am. Ramani Durvasula Phd

Depending on how much damage this has done to your Marriage (you may not even know how much harm has been done) there is a marriage strengthing program called Retrouvaille www.helpourmarriage.org. It is operated by the Catholic Church The actual program is conducted entirely by couples.

I urge to not ignore this. Take action now. Things WILL NOT get better. Your family will not suddenly start being respectful of you and your Marriage.

Best of Success

Thomas,

Thank you for replying to my earlier comment. I wanted to reply to it here, instead of replying to my own comment.

When I mentioned layers of dysfunction I was speaking from experience. My parents were well respected public figures to a degree in my small community, as well Dad was a high school teacher. He very much was a know it all and very full of himself. Mum was an active volunteer and highly regarded too. There were often in the local paper. I was considered to be a problem child because I rebelled against the abuse at home. Oh it was mostly not physical, there were few visible bruises on my skin, by my soul was damaged by decades of emotional abuse.

I have been chastened by some here for my strong stance on maintaining boundaries and not providing hands on care. I have been accused of not loving my parents, but in fact, I have learned to love and value myself.

It took thousands of dollars and hours of therapy to get to where I am now. And you know what? I am confident that the choices I have made are the best for me. Who else is going to look out for me?

Mum has stopped whining to me about not having any money, because each time she did, I reminded her she has a house worth over $300K, if she sold it at age 86, she has more than enough money to keep her going.

No you should expect help. The 21 can step up and is an adult now and help. He shouldn't be off the hook either. Not a child. Maybe he can be paid a little something for his time to drive them. Im sure he will feign incompetence too. He has great teachers. So can the mom.
You need to not be available as much. I would just say I cant do it. Imp meetings I cant take time off. You can't loose your job in covid times. That is paramount. Better yet say you cant do it.. when they demand an explanation they dont have a right to one. No is a complete answer. Too bad if they whine and they will.

You keep stepping up so they keep backing off, acting incompetent, need to do something else etc.
And you cant do the hotel any more, it puts you at massive corona virus risk from mult strangers in and around the hotel and the room. They dont clean all surfaces. You could get it and give it to dad. You need your health too. You have to keep your job in these times. Corona virus is going up and up so you can't risk your parents. Your staying home. Your staying put. End of story.
If a doc appt passes without them picking up the slack so be it. They will see you are serious. They won't as long as they can keep pretending to flounder in incompetence.

You need to back off. Miss phone calls. Miss frantic dad/mom need help! What are we to do? We cant do it. Being more demanding they help, wont get you anywhere. Not stepping up will. You still can help. but every 2-3rd time. You are being competent so they don't have to. Your not even poa so stop it. Dont be surprised when daughter and son demand the house they are living in later.

You need to back off and not run every time parents need something.
I have a friend who had cancer. I dont know if everyone can get this, but she had a van come pick her up for all her treatments. Maybe you can look into that. Cant dad be more proactive in his care with the care team? Call hospital ask doc or social worker. If you cant. Then someone else can do it. Tell doc you just can't keep this up. They need to call the residence. Not you. Your stretched too thin. Take your name off as contact info.! That will be hard but do it. Your going to have to be on pins/needles till they get off their butts and help.
Remember you can't call them for a few days after they call. They will be frantic to get you to keep stepping up, and handle whatever it is. You are now unavailable. Thats all they need to know. Never ever go into to lengthy explanations. They dont need to know, or have the right to demand. Or criticize. They criticize, you are unavailable even longer.
Or say mom has made it impossible to help so your letting her step up now. Do not be available! Dont be surprised when you back off, there will be mult emergencies, and melt downs. It will be on purpose. Dont be surprised if they say they have covid, if the house is about to burn down, if dad has no one, their throwing up, he's missed 5 appts etc.
Dont answer phone for at least 48hrs.
If it was an emergency then they are closer to handle it. You know they can handle it, they dont want to. Get a back bone and dont let them walk all over you. It is not your job to fix others and their personalities. Get your name off the primary contact. it goes to their house now. Good luck

Thomas, Losing your job puts you and your family in jeopardy, in your post this "family dynamic " of everyone putting parents care on your shoulders is not working for your wife either. Your health is also beginning to suffer because of all the stress involved. You can not help those who do not want to help themselves. I do not know if you have children of your own, if you do, help them by breaking this unhealthy cycle. Inform doc on this last visit that they have no in home care and no one to help out. That you can no longer make the 4 hr round trip for appointments that this situation is now putting your livelihood and wellbeing in jeopardy. Express concerns about mom's mental wellbeing, maybe it's more than her normal narcissistic behavior and she is actually on the road of dementia? She may be able to keep up the charade of normalcy the short amount of time you are present. You have tried to hire home healthcare in the past at your own expense to no avail. Time to let it go, chips will fall where they may. Aps may be the way to go, she refuses to get care they need be it in home or AL. At least they would be on the radar and maybe a needs assessment done.

Thomas, ask the doctor's office at tomorrow's aapointment to help your parents find resources to get dad to treatment. Tell them that your livelihood in being endangered (because it is).

Repeat this information to the doctor her/himself, that your parents HAVE resources but refuse to use them and that YOU will be stepping away.

Thomas,
It is so hard, an almost impossible task to back away.
There are caregivers speaking to you who have had successes.
Unless you choose the emergency 'no contact' method to save yourself
(not advocating that --in your father's condition/cancer), this will be a battle for you.

I would like to suggest that you can educate yourself more about boundaries and narcissism (being careful not to hate the person, just the behaviors) and you can gain helpful techniques once aware of how you get sucked in and stuck.

How can this all be your fault? I am not seeing it. Not your fault.

Try not giving the narcissist information or announcing what you are planning too far in advance. [Tell the doctor at his appointment that he won't have care, but needs it. The doctor is always the one to order the care needed.]
Announcing your plans to the narcissist gives them time to twist things, forcing you to give in and change your mind. Example: " I informed everyone that this trip up tomorrow to take dad to his next procedure is my last for the foreseeable future." With that as ammo, your mother could create a crisis.

Try small changes, until you can effect changes. For example, have Dad schedule appointments for a Friday afternoon when you may be able to take off work earlier without consequences. As opposed to when Mom and Dad make the appointments. If you are going to be taking Dad at all.

The call made to the Area Agency on Aging did not go well for you. Do not give up. Call back, explain or ask: "You want to talk to the people so in need of help they cannot help themselves?". Ask them if they recommend you call APS because they will be without resources if AAA cannot help. Most people start with having meals on wheels delivered, puts a visual on their problems by an outside source. I was told that, knowing what the agencies have available to help is better than going in blind needing help, because they do not offer you a menu of available resources. An outside housekeeper can observe and report, confirm areas of need if you can get one coming in.

Each time you 'consult' a dysfunctional family member about what can be done, it is going to be like receiving darts aimed at that balloon of hope you keep trying to inflate, over and over again. Focus on what you can and are willing to do, just between you and your Dad if you are doing it for Dad.
Try saying "No" to your Mom, more and more. She has no need to be in charge of his appointment. Leave her at home, as she needs a break.

Take anything that I have said, and if possible, apply it to your situation. I know the details are not perfect or foolproof. I am understanding that you may not be able to just go 'no contact'. My sympathies.

Last note:
It is unrealistic and not sustainable to drive 2 hours, stay in a hotel, to take your father to his appointments. Been there, done that. But family will allow it! Absurd.
That leaves a huge budget for hiring a driver (ask AAA), whether you are paying or Mom is paying. Mom should be paying. But this could be part of your back-away plan, to hire a driver privately. imo.