He was hospitalized for 4 days with a UTI and sepsis. He was transferred to a SNF because he is very weak and is on IV antibiotics. I have come to the realization that I can no longer care for him at home. He needs to go into LTC when discharged from the SNF. But, he calls me almost every night asking me where I am? Am I OK? Did he do something wrong? Why did I leave him alone at the hotel? It is breaking my heart. I am going back and forth 2 or 3 times a day. I'm staying for hours, but still get a phone call when I leave. I'm exhausted. Can anything help him? I feel terrible for him.
Unfortunately, as we say around here, “Not everything can be fixed.”.
You’ve been a good wife. You’ve gotten appropriate care for your beloved husband.
You’ve told us that you are at your limit.
Since your husband may not be able to understand your reasoning, a simple, “It’s doctor’s orders, honey. “ may have to do.
You’ll probably have to repeat this to your husband many, many times.
Again, I’m sorry.
You cannot do the bidding of a broken brain. I am sorry, but that's the beginning of the end of it.
He has dementia. You will have to limit calls and will have to tell him anything from a white lie ("Sorry honey, doctor says you have to go here until you are stronger" ) to the truth (which get's my vote, and is "I am sorry honey, but I can't care for you in our home any more; I will come and see you every other day" (or whatever you can manage).
There is no good answer here. Not everything can be fixed. I am so very sorry. But you cannot afford to waste your energy thinking, as he does, that there's a good answer to this.
And . . . I often wonder who has "the broken brain" when most people in our culture are content to institutionalize loved ones in "care" warehouses.
I am so sorry you are both going through this. It sounds like it is time for a higher care for him and this, hopefully, will free you up from the work to allow you to spend more quality time with him when you visit.
I am sorry you both are going through this.
Take care.
Most people aren't wealthy and can afford to hire a private caregiver on top of paying thousands of dollars a month for LTC. The facility can medicate him. This will help with the anxiety and agitation. Sure, he will have periods when he's lonely. So what. Most likely in memory care he will not be in a private room. A roommate can be companionship. There's also staff on duty 24/7 as well.
Cameras are a good idea though.
There are facilities where the two of you can still live together and he'll get the care he needs. Maybe this could be an option for you both?
You took the first step which is realizing you're not able to care for your husband at home anymore and he has to be placed. That's hard. Now you go from there. He will have to acclimate to a new living environment. When he's permanently LTC, take the phone away. You're going to be visiting all the time, probably every day and you don't need additional heartbreak of him calling every five minutes when you go home.
You're doing the right thing putting him in LTC. It's okay to grieve over this decision. No one wants to put a person they love in a "home", but most of the time it's what is best for everyone including the person being placed.
Good luck to you and take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Get together with friends or take up interests that you may have had before you were caregiving. Please don't let your whole life be your husband's needs. You deserve t have a bit of a life for yourself.
1- Tell him he is home.
he is safe, you are here, he is loved.
2- medications may help.Ask for a psych consult.
3-Limit visits - maybe go 5-6 days for a brief period - change it up every day so you’re unpredictable and can see how he is at different times of day. 4-self care is critical. Take at least one day off for you. Phone a friend. Plan a weekend getaway. Get a manicure.
whatever works for you.
He is living with dementia - you have to think for both of you.
I felt awful, knowing that my mum was on a hospital ward on her own, incapable of making conversation with others and unable to operate gadgets to amuse herself with music or programmes and, most of all, no longer able to read or follow a storyline over a period of time.
I tried to visit every day, at first, but I couldn't keep it up. I don't drive and I was exhausted after work - sometimes I just wanted to curl up on the bed beside her and sleep! Also, she was often asleep, herself. This went on for 5 weeks when Mum was first admitted to hospital this year.
The last 2 times Mum was admitted, she thought that her husband was "getting rid" of her, placing her in a care home. It was probably less traumatic for us to hear, as he wanted her home ASAP, and Mum was relatively easy to care for. Nevertheless, I just told her she needed to be where she could be looked after.
However, when Mum came home the last time, she was still asking, in the evenings, when she could go home and why her husband was sending her away. It was heartbreaking. We reassured her as much as possible, but her broken brain was making her worry. The sedative in her syringe driver (end of life drugs) eventually calmed her.
So, even if you bring your husband home, he may still beg to go home. In the meantime, you would not be able to provide adequate care and your own health would go downhill.
Please be assured that you are providing the best for your husband in his illness. You cannot make everything perfect, so readjust your thinking about this. Create new, more realistic goals regarding your husband's care. And make sure that you keep living your life. There is no need to throw your life on the funeral pyre of your husband's mental health.
You can't fix the situation; all you can do is manage it. The best managers delegate and do what they can to avoid burnout.