How to tell spouse I am quitting driving?
After researching our area, I find that Uber, Lyft and various non-emergency transport companies will handle all transport including his mobility scooter. I am able to use the regular bus system for myself and two weeks ago used Uber for the first time; I am 67 and he is 79. Spouse has a scooter for short errands around the neighborhood and it's 1.5 miles to the nearest large grocery and 1 mile to the nearest convenience store from the house. The VA takes him door to door for all appointments.
He handled no longer driving for himself in March 2020 better than anticipated; his hand tremors are worse along with vision and physical strength. I did get a scare when I was ill some weeks ago and he proposed driving, and he pulled himself back from actually attempting; luckily, I've been able to scare up a driver for each time. I can't depend on that always happening. Another factor is that my night blindness is worse.
Not including gasoline expenses, the 1995 car accrued $3700 in repairs, insurance and oil changes from Jan. 2020 to July 2021 and it's currently in the repair shop; its Blue Book value is $250! I'm ready to let others take over transport. It's not like we live in a rural area because the suburbs have great support for elders' transport.
Spouse has mentioned how we /must/ have a car. I do understand because a measure of independence will go when the car goes. What I'm hoping for in this post are ways to broach the subject; I certainly don't expect the situation will be easy to get used to for him or for me.
I started ordering things on-line so I wouldn't need to fight the traffic. I already had been using curb-side pick-up for my on-line groceries for many years and the store is just around the corner.
Many of us have found we don't enjoy driving like we use to. I try to avoid high speed roads and try to use only residential streets where the mph is 25 or 35, more my comfort zone. Gone are the days of going 65 mph and liking it.
It's great that you were able to find other way for transportation. That is a big help. I remember one time my folks were curious where the local mini-bus went on its route, so we took the bus one day.
If the local bus takes scooters, that would be a marvelous accommodation. I've ridden the buses many times and have seen power chairs, regular wheelchairs but not scooters.
I don’t blame you for not wanting to invest more money into an old car. Best wishes to you and your husband.
Good job being so proactive!
Or if you DIDN'T announce it and simply started ordering Lyfts instead?
I've been driving since age 11 so it's also a transition for me. Considering that the shop just now called with the news that the car is ready for pickup, I'm leading by example by using Uber/Lyft tomorrow to make my way to the repair shop. We shall see what happens in future regarding leaving my driving career in my rear view mirror, ha.
Then you needn't discuss it at all for the time being.
*Take the battery out and store it separately, e.g.
Spouse just wants to go 2x weekly on outings. He's always left the upkeep of any vehicle to me.
Good advice about the battery because yanking the distributor wires is dicey for a non-mechanic such as myself.
In my State we pay for registration. If you do not register your car a police officer can give you a ticket for an unregistered vehicle. You have a certain length of time to register it. To get around it, you need to garage it. Get it out of site or its considered junk. In my brothers State, NC, they pay a tax on each care they own. So not sure how that works when you aren't driving one of the cars.
I write from the patients perspective. I was diagnosed in Mid APril of 21 with Moderate to Severe Stage of ALZ. I was first diagnosed 5 yrs ago with Early Onsset. I stopped driving of my own volition in March 2020. Yes, I have put a lot of the burden on my DW and Adult Children. I just decided one day last March it was time to hand over the keys. My Neuro Dr. said I was her first patient to give up driving without being told they had to.
Yes, stopping driving has added a load on other family members, some of my friends have offered rides when my DW was still working. Never once have I said to anyone, I want to drive again. I just know the time was right to stop. My family is happy to taken me where I need to go. They no I am safe.
I recommend to all patients when they are diagnosed to have the driving conversation going on from the time of diagnosis. I did that with my family, and I have also had conversations about when it becomes time to admit me to Memory Care, and what my wishes are as far as medical treatment is concerned. Do please arrange for your DPOA's for Medical and Financial affairs. The family will have a lot less on their plate if these issues are discussed and the legal and medical questions have been answered. I hope this is helpful.
Add to that what you will save on insurance.
Why "must" you have to have a car?
In an emergency you have 911 and in an emergency you would not want to drive anyway.
And you can get Uber or Lyft anytime anyway.
Any other transportation can be arranged in advance.
I suppose the only time when you might not be able to use Uber, Lyft or public transportation would be after a medical procedure where you would be sedated. They will not let you take transportation with a cab, Uber or other method where the driver is "unknown" But many Hospitals will transport or Senior Center Volunteers might be able to provide transport since they are "cleared and background checked" but that would be something that you would have to check. And since a procedure like that is arranged I am sure you have friends or relative that can transport.
If he is truly hesitant to give up the vehicle. Make a deal.
Use alternate transportation for 6 months. If the car is not used for 6 months then it can be given up without fear.
Next make a chart with costs of using alternative transportation versus owning a vehicle. Tally up total costs for a month for each mode of transportation and also do a tally for the year with at least 10% extra added for anything that might come up. When he - and you - see the costs, it should alleviate fears of creating a huge financial burden of NOT having a vehicle.
Thank God you are addressing this before you lose total vision. Since you are having trouble driving at night, please see an eye doctor. You may have cataracts that can be treated.
Then both you and your husband take Uber and other transportation until he gets use to it then eventually donate the car.
I didn’t own a car when I was young. I walked, rode my bicycle or took public transportation everywhere. I loved cycling. I cycled for many miles without getting tired. I drank water after a long ride to stay hydrated. I have always been physically fit and could endure physical activity for long periods of time.
My husband and I shared a car for years before buying a second car. I dropped him off at his carpool, drove myself to work, then picked him up from his carpool.
Why does he say that I wonder?
I live in a bigish place so Uber or taxi turns up quickly. (Teenager has stormed out & been gone in seconds LOL)
But on holidays in a smaller town, no Uber service, limited taxi & longish wait in evening.
Your options will depends on your town of course.
My retirement dream is a smaller town I could electric scooter - then mobility scooter around. Then an AL I can hover board around like the Back to the Future films (hopefully that gets invented soon 😂).
I saw no problem with them keeping the car. It was an older model, close to 20 years old. No repair issues. Our State has a yearly car tax, so their tax was very low due to the age of the vehicle. For car insurance, they could remove the collision insurance in case they damaged their own car. It still needed State inspection/emissions.
Only draw back with them having a car, every now and then Dad would say he was going to start driving again, that was huge hot button for me. I would get so stressed out.