My mom lives with me, 89. She does not drive anymore and this Covid has closed her one outlet which is Bingo with her friends. She is in house all day. She watches tv and talks to her friends on phone I am happy for that.
She is a sensitive loving mom and literally cries at the drop of a hat although her personality errs on side of extreme bossiness as well. I tried talking to her about boundaries but she always goes back to her old ways. We end up having words and I ALWAYS feel guilty after that. I want to feel good about myself and find more often than not feeling awful of myself as a person ongoingly. Mom has a way of pressing old buttons. I try to bite my tongue. There is so much history between us that goes back to my childhood that it is extremely difficult. Her memory is now very poor and she forgets much I what I presently say. My brother does not help me he suffers from a mental disorder so I feel much alone. I find myself trying to avoid her at home. She is always requesting something I do for her which puts me on the defense. I can’t simply have a conversation w my mom which I would love. She tends to talk at me. I am always on the defense and it takes us down the road of arguing. She always says she doesn’t mean it that way. I begin the boundary conversation again it lasts shortly and then right back to her old way. When I left home as a young adult it was the same and now that she is with me 40 yrs later nothing has changed. It pretty much picks up where it left off. I am grateful for my mom but this (feeling bad) of myself as a person for saying things to her I wish I rather had not is extremely difficult. She has been with me now 9 yrs.
Now that being said, you must take time away from your mom, and do something that you enjoy, as often as you can. If you have to hire someone to come stay with mom while you do, then do it. It's so very important that you get the breaks you need. You will be amazed how just a little time away can change your whole perspective on things. Also I learned this the hard way with my husband, that people with memory issues tend to mirror the mood of the one caring for them. So if you're angry or upset, your mom will be too, and if you're calm and pleasant, the same applies. Now I can't guarantee that that works 100% of the time, but I know from experience that it does work. And the fact that you say your mom can be loving and sensitive, is great. Maybe try being loving and sensitive back. Wishing you the best.
Our mom life is similar. She’s had dementia about 5 years, the past 2 years there has been a severe decline. She’s lived with me and my husband for 8 years. I have 4 siblings who live elsewhere and are sure I’ve got this. She doesn’t know I’m her daughter and that has made our home life very strange. If I can get my sisters to call, she raves about her family yet I’m the only one here. So that was a bit of background. Now to address your comments.
I’ve noticed that although she doesn’t see me as family anymore, we have deep history. As a result, I’ve figured out that she still pushes my buttons! Go figure. She’s in hospital at the present time (built in respite) and doing fine, loves her nurses, etc. however when I came to visit last evening she immediately began crying and saying nobody cares, she’s been forgotten, and wants to die. It was shocking. I went into action trying to solve this. Ummm. Moments later (after I’m a wreck and ready to sue someone for making my mom feel bad) she was fine and happy. All I can derive from this is that seeing me was the trigger. They still know how to work us!!
By the way, we ended the visit very pleasantly last evening and today’s phone call she was after me about when am I picking her up. They will always work to drive us who care for them. They can’t articulate it but it seems to me that they (our moms) have figured out a way to communicate with us that they need us. Oh joy. And apparently we are the healthy ones of the siblings so “we’ve got it”.
Hope this note resonates with you. Your note certainly did with me.
Please watch out for your own health. This loving care you are providing, even through all the emotional button pushing, is honorable but our moms would not want us to go down with the ship. Please take care of yourself.
The ONLY way I can maintain boundaries is simply to not see her unless I am in good headspace. She can be sweet, but she can also be so cutting and cruel. A little dementia, but not so much she's unaware of what she's saying.
Having your mom live with you is a big difference. That's why she's with YB, with whom she has a weird relationship, very twisted, but it's NOT my problem.
YOU have to be strong, mom won't change. It's totally unfair, but it is what it is. Unless you plan to move her to AL or somewhere, this will be on you for the foreseeable future.
I did find that when I felt my hackles rising.....I'd cut my visit short. Is there a place in you home that is 'hers'? The key to sharing living space is that each 'family' has their own space. Mother stays in her apartment, mostly, and does not interact with the family.
Wishing you luck--so many of us are navigating these rough waters.
I don’t go much on counselors, but this sounds like a good time to talk through with someone else how you feel about her, yourself, and the interactions between you. It could also be a good time to find somewhere else for her to live, so that you can be a daughter on less intimate and inappropriate terms. This is going to get worse, not better, and at 64 you should be thinking about how to spend the rest of your life.
Meanwhile, your mother is nearly 90 years old. Every single day, she is going to have needs that must be met if she is to live well and comfortably. For the primary caregiver, this is a daily burden - whether you are able to carry it easily or not, it just IS a burden.
If the truth is that it's getting on your nerves so much that you're avoiding her, and the stress is causing you and your own health to suffer, then something has to change.
Must be many folk feeling this way after this crazy cooped up year!
Do you work? What are your interests/hobbies? What do you like to do?
I wonder if you had more 'me time' things would improve? With time to enjoy your own interests & have a little fun, the time spent with Mother wouldn't feel like your whole life?
Can Mother be safely left at home for you to go walking for 30 mins? Or put headphones on & listen to your favorite music in another room? Power walking with music - even better! Fresh air, exercise & Mom-free time.
Your mom isn’t happy that you aren’t going to follow her instructions anymore.
Put two strong women together and it’s a recipe for disaster!
You aren’t willing to follow her lead. She has no desire to change her ways.
Something has to give and it shouldn’t be you!
Set consistent ground rules. These are not optional. Make sure mom knows that anything else is unacceptable.
I know that many feel like saying, ‘No!’ works. Very often it doesn’t.
I once heard someone say, “Never take something away from someone without giving them something in return. Never say, ‘No!’ to someone without giving them a ‘Yes!’ to something that you both agree on.
It makes sense because it makes the ‘No!’ easier to swallow and you are showing that you care by offering a ‘Yes!’
In short, it’s a compromise.
Is there room for compromise in your relationship?
Are you simply tired of her living with you? Each of you needs their own space. Are you smothering each other?
Be honest with yourself and with her. You both deserve the truth.
If the time has come for her to leave, address the situation as lovingly as possible.
If it doesn’t end peacefully, then hold your head high knowing that you did your best and all that you could in your circumstances.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
Time to change living arrangements. If you have to get a mother-in-law suite or or try to get a buffer by getting in help at those times you have to interact with her. I know hard in times of covid. Maybe just a few hrs. Take their temp and find one that stays at home. But if you can't...
Have you noticed she gets bossy at the end of the day? Or at specific times? She sounds like a narcissist. If she can't manipulate and get her way, she cries? And you cave? The guilt thing is usually a big sign and tromping all over you is another.
I think you need to learn grey rock method. You do whatever you have to do, but don't engage. Lots of YouTube videos on it. A person can't argue with themselves. She starts ordering you around, you do what you want to do. At the pace you want to do it. Dont say anything. Say your intentions and thats it. If she starts acting up you leave the room. Immediately. Dont say a word. Sounds like she sees you as someone she can control? Her personal servant now?
So your the one that has to change. If you dont do what she wants, she will have a melt down. An adult 4yr old tantrum? Walk away immediately. You have to put up boundaries and stick to them. Every time it starts dont say a word and walk away, or finish what you are doing and dont interact. Sometimes you can't walk out that second. Then cont without a word,, and then walk away when its safe to do so.
I wouldn't live with a mom who is treating you like a child. That is emmeshment. If you can't get away, just get out of the house. Take a walk or do something for YOU daily. For your stress. If she's calling you and you know it can wait, dont drop everything and run. Take your time. You feel guilty, ok. Feel guilty. Is that working for you? No it isn't. Hot news flash every daughter is a hostile daughter bc they won't drop everything and do what their mother wants. Oh well. She is still living. Remember whilst yor feeling bad. SHE IS NOT!!!!Get her voice out of your head.
Narcissists love to guilt people and you are right where she wants you. She doesn't feel guilt or remorse. She's getting away with treating you however she wants. You can only change your reaction to it. Id start watching all those vids on how to deal with a narcissist. Invaluable. And how to deal with guilt. Its free. Or get a podcast or a book that you can listen to while doing other things. You will learn strategies. You are going to have to shut down the that looped tape in your head. Your mom put that there. Take it out and destroy it. No room in your head for that. Every time it starts up. Shut it down and force yourself to think of something else. Every time. Might take 3 days, but start doing that.
If she starts poor me and starts crying leave the room if you can. You dont say a word. The crying jags will stop. No audience to share it with. Dont get her tissues, apologie, rub her back. STOP IT!!
You need to start working on your reaction and to stop guilting yourself. Your mom has put that in your head and loves the results. You need to study up on how to interact with a narcissist on YouTube. That is free and doesnt require a therapist. You can't change her, but u can change your reaction to her. Good luck.
People can't just stay cooped up 24 7 and not get on each others nerves as it's just each other to Vent to.
It's possible your mom doesn't mean how you take something.
It's possible that you are over reacting.
Even with the Covid you and your mom should get out of the house and soak up some Feel Good Natural God given Rx's of Sunshine and Fresh Air at least 15 minutes a day..
yes,, even with the Covid, I would schedule a Bingo Night once a week and allow 3 or 4 same old friends to come over for Bingo and food.
They can all order in so you wouldn't have to cook.
Also, let them each pay $5 and with the money use it for Bingo Prizes.
You could hire a Caregiver for 4 hrs to run the show and you could take a break during that time or Join In with the Fun.
They would all love you for it.
It's also possible the mother DOES mean exactly what she says, then tries to gaslight her daughter by saying she DIDN'T mean it that way. Gets the daughter to blow up, feel crappy about herself, and so the cycle of abuse can continue forever. As long as the victim is shamed into feeling badly about herself for NO GOOD REASON, the abuser wins.
Some situations are not as easy to fix as a game of bingo & a prize.
Some situations are real and they are abusive & should not be dismissed by people with no understanding of what such a thing is all about.
To act from my “adult self” rather than the voiceless child and to deal with my childhood issues, I saw a therapist and a psychiatrist (virtually). I realized that like a parent of a toddler, I needed to set the environment of my home. It’s not easy, and we still argue, but I am feeling so much better as I am less reactive. As someone else said before, our elderly parents with memory issues often mirror the mood that is before them. She seems to be doing better as well.
I encourage you to prioritize self-care!
Best wishes!
When and just how was it decided that your mother would live with you?
It is so different from an online forum. We can look into others eyes, see facial expressions, hear tones of voices and have a leader for the group. Our leader was a terrific social worker.
With Covid, many meetings have dissolved or moved online until further notice. It’s sad.
Prior to him living with me we got along great, but now it's a roller coaster of emotions and I want to get off this ride.
I don't have any advice as I too need some,but I just wanted you to know your not alone.
If you find that mom's behavior has become intolerable, it may be time to come up with other living arrangements. There are plenty of senior living arrangements if needed.
When I was in therapy my therapist told me that was emotionally abusive. It is crazy making. She DID mean it that way. To say she didn't is a lie. It is designed to make you doubt yourself.
Or when she says something ugly, then claims she didn't mean it that way, it was 'a joke'. It wasn't.
When a person tells you who they are, believe them.
Emotional abuse is real
In fact, when I was a child, I used to ask her to beat me up so the emotional abuse could just END already. Get it over with and move on.
It is so very hard to be an adult and care for a parent who doesn't want to be old and in a helpless position. They snap at old age but you are the recipient. Give yourself grace. Every day is a new attempt to try to see her as a patient, not a mother.
She has installed the buttons ON you that she pushes on a daily basis. Then, when you react in a negative manner, it's 'your fault' and you feel badly; you feel ashamed of yourself for reacting the way you have been PROGRAMMED to react. It's the way the cycle of abuse works. It's the only way to keep a person in an abusive relationship: to keep them feeling shame & guilt, or FOG, fear/obligation & guilt. It's the way it all works.
You both made a decision, long ago, that your mother would live with you. Which means your MOTHER made a decision and you accepted it, as you've accepted everything else she's said & done to you all these years. Your profile says it all.
It's time to make a NEW decision, all of your own making. That either you move out or mother moves out because it's time to have a NEW life of your very own with nobody telling you what to do or how to feel. This does not mean that you don't love her or that you will never see her again. Just that the living arrangements have to change, for YOUR sake. It's okay to say that, it's okay to feel that...........it's okay to DO that.
Sacrificing YOUR entire life for anyone is NOT okay.
Never light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, as one of our other posters here on AgingCare has so wisely said.
At your age, you are ENTITLED to a life of your own; you have earned it. A life of peace and joy and happiness.
People telling you things like, "Please remember your mom won't be around forever" is just another guilt tactic to REINFORCE the FOG that you're already feeling. Don't fall for this tactic! Nobody is alive forever. Old age is not a free pass to be a big bully and to treat your children like garbage! Remember that!
Take your life back as soon as you possibly can by making a decision in YOUR own best interest. It may sound hard to do, but you CAN do it! Make a plan. Today. Give yourself some hope for a brighter future!
Good luck to you! Sending you a hug & a prayer for peace.
The bossiness, crying at the drop of a hat, lack of boundaries, talking at and lack of empathy for your position appears to suggest she may suffer from one of these disorders.
The crying, at the drop of a hat, may suggest she is an inverted or covert narcissist.
If so, family counseling will help YOU deal with this. The counseling likely will not change her, though. These disorders are typically not curable with meds or counseling.