Has anyone tried to live with an elderly parent where there has been a history of verbal and emotional abuse from way back and it never quite resolved? Like generational types of conflict that gets repeated by the elderly parent almost unconsciously?
I am disabled and single and the worst mistake of my life so far has been moving into a home with my elderly parent where I get to be the daughter living in a basement area underneath her nice home. The archetype of that is enough to make me feel depressed. It is a nice home and my living area is nice, but conflict breaks out on a routine basis and she talks to me like I everything I do agitates her or like I am an inferior child. Doesn't matter what it is. It was always like this, but it's worse as she is now 83.
I have bipolar disorder, fibromyalgia, anxiety, PTSD, C-PTSD, chronic migraine, and now Gastroparesis and other digestive issues for which I am supposed to manage my stress and just keep some weight on and some food down.
Yesterday she started a lot of drama with me because I sounded agitated for a change over something small. She goes to a family and friends support group for those who have a bipolar family member and uses things said in the group against me in order to win an argument. I finally called up the group leader to let them know that I didn't appreciate hearing the stigmatizing statements in group being hurled at me outside of their group.
I do not have enough income to just run out and get an apartment as they are beyond expensive these days. I do work part time from home but it involves book inventory I sell online. So lots of stuff requiring an extra room.
I have put myself on a housing list but that could be another two years. I feel terrible, but my own mental and physical health is not doing well. She is the source of a lot of trauma for me as a child and I am constantly feeling triggered in spite of getting special therapy, etc.
I am at her beck and call for things she can do herself a lot of the time. I have no other family around to help out, but I cannot live there anymore. It is literally killing me. I can barely eat due to the gastroparesis and I'm worried about myself now. She has money and a nice home and can hire a care giver if needed. She has health issues, but still mostly sharp and active.
I am now trying to find some tiny apartment I can afford and give up my book business and maybe get a different part time job. Even when I would visit her, it was never long before we would argue. I have been going to DBT therapy and it has been helping my distress levels, but yesterday I was caught off guard and she started shrieking at me and berating me.
I don't know how the rest of you live with this sort of thing because I know some of you do. I just want to know if anyone has successfully gotten away from a borderline/narcissist elderly mother later in her life or at least been able to set firm boundaries. It's harder when disabled. This situation was not supposed to be exactly like this, but when she moved out closer to me, there were not a lot of other options when Covid started. I imagined I would have an entirely separate living area with a private entrance.
I left a place where I was paying decent rent to be tormented living with her. I contacted a social worker today for help navigating 55+ housing options, etc.. It was a very bad decision and she knows it, too, to move in together. Things will be fine, or barely fine, and then a traumatic blowout happens.
I am sitting in a hotel because I can't handle the toxic energy around her anymore. Wondering what others in my situation did. I told her in a text that I need a lot of space while I look for other housing and if she needs things done, write them done. I'm done with the endless discussion of what needs to be done at home. That's all her life is, is obsessing about her house and using my mental health dx as her only social outlet.
Thank you.
I'm sure my mother's side of things is that I am overreacting and too sensitive. But nearly every day there is some kind of a bullet coming at me. Maybe they don't seem too much to the average person, but I am thin-skinned.
The other day we got into it because I simply reminded her to take her cell phone with her and she yelled, "What good does it do? You never have your cell phone on you to answer it!" I already defended myself the week before over this same thing because I have answered it many times. Then she told me I was overreacting and called me narcissistic.
Yesterday, I spent an hour looking for her elderly dog, who was hiding in an odd place in the house the whole time because the people next door are putting up a new roof. She was out driving around as well and when I found the dog, I came out to get my cell phone out of my car to call her and she was in the driveway already. Her first reaction about me finding the dog is, "Why the hell didn't you call me?!"
It's just stuff like that I can't deal with. I admit. I am too sensitive. I am too sensitive to all the complaining and swearing that goes on around here and me trying to help with so many things. It is not my job to help solve all her problems and make her happier.
She has pretty bad oteoporesis and didn't want to take a newer medication that has terrible side effects. So I told her to talk to her doctor about going to the gym to do weight machines, which he cleared her to do. Then she wanted me to go with her and I have. Now that has turned into a frustrating event where she takes half the day to get herself to get ready to go. If I don't go with her, then she doesn't manage to go on her own and then I feel guilty.
So this is another thing I set myself up for when things were going well between us again. It's not that she can't get there herself. It's that she doesn't care unless I do.
I started thinking, why does she think I should be at her beck and call on my phone all the time? I try to keep it with me when she's out in case an emergency happens, but I'm not perfect at it.
Most of the time she is calling to show me something she thinks I might want, which is nice of her.
So the experience is never black and white, but the verbal harshness on a regular basis gets to me.
I am now being referred to a rheumatologist as my IgG is high twice in a row. I am finally almost getting out of a bad months-long infection from a dirty scope from an endoscopy and I still have functional dyspepsia flares from it.
I thought all the therapy and anger management I've taken would help and it mostly has, but I have to suppress a lot of stress internally and once in a while, I am triggered and defend myself and it goes downhill because she has little empathy or self-awareness and I feel terrible yelling at an old lady in the end.
Even my father, who was married to her for 13 years, said to me, "I know it's hard. Must be all the criticism. "
So, basically, I am finally in the full acceptance mode that I am not mentally or emotionally well here due to the CPTSD and I am finally beginning to get out and make some new friends and such. I have pointed her to several opportunities for social outings for herself and nothing happens.
I am kicking myself about this gym thing but I was truly trying to help her.
Thanks for all the suggestions. I didn't see all these for some reason until I came back on here.
I just have so much guilt as she has helped me a lot in life, too, but also sourced a lot of damage to me early on. This site has been so helpful. Boundaries and detachment are needed.
Read about going "grey rock" because people find it difficult to keep the argument going when there's no response.
Try this, as well. When you get the "YOU SHOULD HAVE...." say to her "I should have. You are right". You know what? That's the end of it. What can she say.
This is 50%-50% here and you are a participant. Not a victim.
This will stop when you stop your habitual responses.
Remember, you cannot change others.
You can only change you.
I am thrilled you read Liz Scheier's Never Simple, because Barb and I recommend that book all the time. I think we should get some sort of stipend from Liz Scheier.
Do remember, it's never simple to live with someone else. Not a child, not a parent, not a spouse or a partner, and not a roommate. NEVER.
Best out to you, good to hear from you, and keep on keeping on. Do continue to update us.
Look online and put in applications for these places. Normally they do have waiting lists. So get your name on a few of them.
I totally understand where you're coming from living with your elderly mother and the abusive and awful treatment you are recieving because I lived it myself. Only I did not have separate quarters like you do in the basement. Life as my mother's caregiver nearly drove me to an act of desperation. Not only did she value me less than a bag of garbage dumped on a curb, she is also a bully that is verbally abusive and always has been.
My mother also expected me to lovingly be her constant companion. It is obscene and grotesque that an abusive person would expect this, yet they do. I think your mother probably expects it of you too.
Get the hell out of there as fast as you can. Get your name on housing waiting lists. Save as much money as you can because you will probably have to buy furniture and household goods when you get approved for housing. It may take some time, but you've got nothing but time in a situation like yours.
Get online and start researching handicapped housing which is income-based rent.
In the meantime, stand up to that bully. Stop waiting on her hand and foot. When she starts barking orders at you and being verbally abusive tell her to go 'F*herself' and leave.
Her house is your official residence so she can't throw you put unless it's through the eviction process.
Good luck.
OP, you must look out for number one, yourself, else your health issues decline even further. As you are "sitting in a hotel," you may have already your answer.
https://agefriendlypikespeak.org/resources_categories/housing/#:~:text=The%20Colorado%20Springs%20Housing%20Authority,are%20inspected%20annually%20as%20well
and this sentence to do a search: "jobs for the disabled colorado springs co"
I’m so sorry about what you are going through and all your points about it are completely valid. I pray that whatever those triggers are, are handled with care. Even if you live apart the torturing can still occur so setting healthy boundaries is a must. My Mother is 83 as well and can attack me verbally for no other reason except selfishness. She lives with a sweet therapy dog that is sometimes to hard to handle. I pet sit her because she used to be my dog. She claims the “hero” because she went and got her at the shelter after I gave her up. ( long story) but it was heart breaking. So instead of communicating properly, and having me give her to her, she claimed the hero instead. All I can do is try to be loving and caring all the while being crushed. She has severe memory issues but keeps avoiding doctor appointments and if she were rich she could get the best Nuro feedback, etc. But because she is dirt poor, in California terms, she has to listen to me give exercises, games etc. Which is great don’t get me wrong. But it’s the complacency that’s tough.
So suffice to say, none of this is easy for us that deal with narcissism! I do implore you to get into your own place. Maybe your Mom resents you for your situation. All of us have big dreams for our kids and when that dream for “them” fails it comes out in strange ways, no?. But you are enough, never forget that! My heart breaks for you because I understand the Mother/daughter relationship. My Mom and I are like best friends one month then I find myself blocking her number. I understand her coping mechanisms are coming to the surface and I try my best not to take stuff personally. Her Sister died of dementia related issues, her son died from murder. All this stuff can take it’s toll. But her faith in Jesus has overcome most. So forgiveness is key, love will overcome! Take care of yourself.
Her mother was very abusive to her as well. I am getting there with going out and making friends. It's interesting that when I return after having a good time, it's almost like she makes it a point to be miserable and complaining just to bring me down on some level, though she encourages me to get out and meet people.
I will never forget how hard it was to graduate from college in my late 20's and I finally did. She nearly made me late for my graduation and told me to just go in and she will park. I was wondering where she was. She was waiting at the front door of the place full of anger - to blast me for about where in the hell was I? I told her I was graduating.
I guess she got lost in the parking lot and couldn't figure out where to go. But as my step-mother pointed out, she could have asked several people and it wasn't that hard to figure out where the doors to the main building were.
I have to remember not to do anything for her that she can do herself. Thank you. That is what I have been thinking that will cut down on these miserable interactions.
Clearly, if you are 'sitting in a hotel,' this is your answer.
It is time to move out.
As I often say, the other person won't change, you have to - for your own survival, peace of mind, quality of life. If you do not make changes, the situation will continue to deteriorate / cause you ongoing emotional, physical, and psychological stress.
In order to make this decision to severe your relationship with your mom - as it is now - you need to learn to value YOURSELF. Feel you are worth more than what you are allowing your life to be like in this environment. If you do not value your self / your life, you will stay 'stuck' - Get into therapy if you can. You need support.
Gena / Touch Matters
Persistence & grit!
The Finnish call it *Sisu*.
There will be setbacks & obstacles. You may need to settle for a smaller or more modest home than wished for, but it will be your own space.
Connecting yourself to community & social services is a good start. You may wish to suggest to your Mother she connect herself to elder services also. (She can decide).
Best of luck going forward.
Please don't go back home. Stay in a homeless shelter if you have to and let Social Services find you affordable housing.
And no matter what, never ever put yourself in such a toxic environment again. You deserve so much better. I hope you know that.
Do you get Social Security Disability? If so, then you receive Medicaid and Medicare? Where I live there is HUD subsidized housing. They require 30% of your monthly income for rent. I think electric is a set amount. There are food closets and food stamps. There is Senior/disabled bussing. Reg busses give discounts for the disabled.
I would contact your local Disabilities Dept. My local one is part of Office of Aging. They may be able to help you find a place of your own and resources. The State helps my nephew with a housing voucher. He gets an aid for 5 hrs once a week and a Coordinator. The Aid takes him to appts and to run errands and just to go to the Park.
You may want to check with Social Services about Supplimental income (SSI). You may be able to receive that in addition to ur SSD. They maybe able to help with housing. Even with SSD you can have a job. Just can't make more than a certain amt a year. Ask SS about this.
You can do this. I am so glad u walked away. You should never be ur Moms caregiver in any way. If she starts showing signs of Dementia, you call APS and report a vulnerable adult. You tell them with ur disabilities you cannot help her. Good Luck and update us.
We have heard your side of all of this, and I do sympathize, but I also wonder what your elderly Mom would say about her side of things. It sounds as though neither of you is going "grey rock" silent with the other. It takes two to continuously bicker.
I am glad you are on a list for housing. I do hope you will be able to continue to reach for as much independence as you are able. You, with your severe mental and physical limitations are not in a position to take on caregiving for an elderly woman. Your mother is not going to improve in health or attitude toward you.
I am very sorry for BOTH of you. This is hard to get through on a daily basis and you have my very best wishes. I hope you find housing soon.
You aren't going to be able to help "just a little". Sorry to sound harsh, but that's the truth.
If you want to read about someone else who went through this, get a copy of "Never Simple" by Liz Scheier She tried to help "just a little". She ended up realizing that she needed to go no contact and leave her mom to be helped by Social Workers. They tried too.