My deceitful brother placed my mother in a NH after she went to hospital for back pain and found she has a aortic aneurysm. She is 96 but very lucid at times and bouts of forgetfulness. She hates the NH and wants to go back to her condo. Every day she asks to see a lawyer. She now says she is going to stop eating.
I live in another state and she will not come here. She is very HOH and has vision problems. I don’t believe she could live on her own. It hurts to hear her say everyday I want to go back to my condo. She is on hospice. I am not aloud to even find out about her health because my brother who is the POA told them not to tell me anything About her health.
what to do?
I would therefore ask your brother what you can do to help him now, if anything, in managing for your Mom.. She is on hospice and she is in care, and at her age this is almost certainly something that she needs. You have no been home to assess her, and apparently two MDs are in agreement with your brother that she needs care.
I hope that you will be able to take a leave to go to visit Mom. Perhaps write your estranged brother and tell him that you hope that you two can maintain, for the sake of mom, a respectful united front to support her.
I am very sorry that you think things are not going well, but the fact is that when your Mom was able to act in her own behalf she made your brother, who lives in the area, her POA. And he has responsibly cared for her, now placed her in a safe care situation. Mom is on hospice and likely facing her last months. I hope you will be able for her sake to get along with your brother so that you can support one another through this loss and sadness. I wish you the very best.
Sorry to be so blunt, but let the reality in. Slowly if you must, but let it in & accept it.
"I don’t believe she could live on her own."
Mom needs 24/7 care.
She has it.
To what our purpose would you want to remove her from 24/7 care?
"It hurts to hear her say everyday I want to go back to my condo".
Ask yourself why this hurts YOU?
It hurts HER - so she is telling you about it. She is grieving her home. Fair enough too. It's totally OK for her to feel sad about her change in health & home!
Can you be her shoulder (on the phone) to cry one?
Do you really think a person in hospice care should be allowed to live alone in a condo?
I think we may have located that clueless, out-of-state, know-it-all sibling that berates the primary on-the-ground caregiver that so many people complain about in their posts.
At her age, and with the health issues you list, she would not be safe back in her condo. She would need 24-hour care and your brother is the ultimate decision maker in regard to her health needs.
I would try and work with your brother to ensure your mother is comfortable and cared for as that is all you can do. If he denies you any access or information, at least you have tried. These types of situations are always incredibly hard and sad but ultimately nothing you can do if he refuses to speak to you about her care and health.
March 2023 "My deceitful brother placed my mother in a NH after she went to hospital for back pain and found she has a aortic aneurysm."
October 2019 "We have never gotten along great due to her thinking she knows it all."
March 2023 "You make it sound like I am to be nice to a very deceitful human being. He is cruel to my mother when he visits her. He tells her directly she doesn’t own it and will never go back there."
October 2019 " Now that she needs me to take care of her, she will not talk to me because I will not move to take care of her in her condo. "
March 2023 "It hurts to hear her say everyday I want to go back to my condo."
In October 2019 you stated that you did not want to move across states to live with your controlling mother. That you didn't want to live with her in her home. But you were willing to allow her to live with you where it is very nice. But that at the time, you were only able to do short visits twice a year. Your brother, while he didn't want her living with him, was able to visit her often.
In 2019 she was already having trouble that was pointing towards her needing more care than she was capable of handling on her own. Even then she went to a nursing home on hospice. At that time, she stopped talking to you because you would not come to live with her.
During the time between 2019 and now- what happened? Presumably your brother was either named, or already was, her POA. She already had at least one round of hospice under her belt four years ago.
Even then you said "I feel guilty that she is not talking to me and she could die in a nursing home as a resentful old woman."
Now, she is desperately in need of care that should be professional. She has had TWO doctors declare her in need of care in a nursing home. She has an aortic aneurysm. You mention she is "very lucid at times" and has "bouts of forgetfulness" - there doesn't necessarily seem like there is an overlap there - is she more lucid or more forgetful? And then there is the fact that she's on hospice again.
Something clearly happened between 2019 and now to make things go downhill between you and your brother. In your 2019 post, you didn't seem to have any animosity towards your brother, in fact your animosity was directed towards your mother. Now your brother is deceitful, your sister in law is a thief. The doctors are colluding with your brother to keep your (very sick) mother drugged up against her will so that your brother and SIL can do what exactly? Four years ago it was a good thing that your brother was able to visit.
How is he cruel and deceitful? Because he tells her the truth when she asks to go home? "she thinks she still owns the condo and should be able to go back there. He tells her directly she doesn’t own it and will never go back there." It is not cruel to be truthful. She cannot go back to her home.
How can you hear her say every day that she wants to go home but still not know know anything about her health if you are talking to her? Is she not lucid enough to tell you in a coherent way?
" To me this man is nothing less than a man who has taken everything from her. Many times she has asked for a lawyer but hard to get one if your clarified incapacitated and put in a NH. These are not kind good people who put her there."
What did he take from her? Why does she need a lawyer? He has put her in a safe place. He told her years ago she couldn't live with him. You didn't want to live with her. I'm not sure I understand. What exactly did he do to earn your hatred? She doesn't like what has happened. But was he actually abusive to her? Did he steal from her? Or did he just make a decision that she didn't like, and she has been driving you crazy about it and making you feel guilty about it?
Think about this situation from a factual standpoint rather than an emotional one and I think that you will find that your brother was working in your mom’s best interests.
You are aware that she has health issues and shouldn’t be living alone.
She isn’t happy with the outcome so she is going to complain about it.
Your mom is entitled to her feelings, but she also has to accept that she is no longer capable of living alone in her condo. Trust that in time she will accept her fate.
Speak to your brother without judgement and say that you would dearly love to speak to your mother and perhaps visit her for her sake and yours. Tell him that you do not wish to be an adversary and that you will support his decision to place your mother.
Are you hearing all of this disturbing news from your mother? She’s upset so how do you know that she isn’t embellishing the details? How did you find out about your mom’s recent situation? Your mom? Your brother? Someone else?
Wishing your family peace during this transitional period in your lives.
If she wants to stop eating, that's what she'll do. You can't do much but comfort her, try not to add to her distress, and accept. I'm very sorry.
She is safe, why not trust your brothers decision? I see no deceit, it is clear that the doctors feel she should be in a NH.
There is more to this story, you have a personal issue with your brother and you are filtering it through your mother, using her as a focal point.
Tell her that the doctors will not release her to go back to her condo, that's it. Let it be.
She will not come live with you
She can not live on her own.
She is on Hospice..indicative of a life limiting illness.
Where do you expect her to go and who will care for her?
I am sure that talking to you upsets her. I imagine in your conversations with her that you encourage the thought of her moving back to her condo. (chances are the condo has been sold to help pay for her care. If that is the case there is no "home" to return to)
Your brother did not have to tell them not to tell you anything legally unless you are included on HIPAA forms they can not tell you anything.
You might want to contact the Hospice and talk to the Social Worker and see if there is a way that they could mediate between you and your brother to come to some common ground.
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