i was visiting mom and noticed both legs severely swollen. She had just had her physical May 2024... office note says no edema present and 2+ pulses. Suddenly both legs are like this up to her knees. Her fridge had nothing in it but spoiled milk from April and ham and bologna. I said I would take her to the ER and she wouldn't go and said she would go the DR the next day with my sister. My sister called her and said her legs aren't that bad and that I was making too much of it and needed to stay out of her business.
I immediately called Elder Services and again got the reply to file again. I am desperate at this time. Other than her health the financial abuse is atrocious.
her house was a total wreck with wet towels all over the floor in upstairs bedrooms and junk everywhere and the whole front of the house all overgrown with no path to the front door. I am hiring a cleaning company and landscaper to get that taken care of. but need help getting her to a dr.
Who can I call to talk her into going? The 2 siblings who live close and do her "shopping" and actually spent $370.00 the day before I got there were nowhere in site when i was there this week. Fridge and pantry were bare. Need advice. Hopefully someone know an answer without the lawyers, bc they said they wanted a 10,000 retainer to begin and it would cost over 30,000 to go thru the system. and could take forever. Mom doesn't have forever.
I will say that a LOT can happen from when she had her physical until now.
You could call 911 and have her transported to the ER. The advantage of calling 911 is that you will have the EMT's that can verify her living conditions. The observation of a "trained professional" would carry a lot of weight when the medical staff is evaluating her and her conditions.
Once in the ER you can say that you do not think she is being cared for and should not be living alone.
By the way just read your profile and you mention that you're DUAL POA if this is the case you are just as responsible for caring for her as your sibling that also has POA. And you are also "on the hook" so to speak for any medical and financial abuse. You may have to get more aggressive in handling this. (by aggressive I mean legally not physically)
If you are her PoA then go there today (with your PoA paperwork) and call 911 and tell them she isn't herself and that her leg swelling is concerning but she refuses to go to the doctor. Hopefully they will take her to the ER and figure out her health issues. Make sure to give then your PoA paperwork at the ER. Talk to a social worker at the hospital that your Mom is an "unsafe discharge" and doesn't seem to be eating or bathing, etc. She can't go back home without daily care.
Make sure to take pictures of the condition of the inside of her house, and the contents of her fridge, in case you need to show it to someone to support your efforts. Read your PoA paperwork to see what activates your authority. If you are joint PoA for both financial and medical, then in no way should you be allowing your siblings to spend your Mom's money without oversight and showing receipts and getting the items in hand.
“ Hopefully they ( EMS) will take her to the ER”.
If not , can try APS .
Sister is the sibling in charge of your mother's care?
Is Mom competent in her decisions? Because you tell us that when you came to visit and found her in what you considered emergency situation, you allowed her to say she didn't wish to go to the hospital? You believed her capable of making that decision?
You say you were told by Elder Services when you called that you should "file again".
Does this mean that you have already ONCE filed/or more than once? Did they investigate?
Is "Elder Services" APS (Adult protective services?) or their equivalent in your area?
Let me start with this, so you know my prejudices.
I have no use for what I call "Siblings at War".
They make parents' lives a crucible, a torment in which the parent is split down the middle while still alive. Talk about Solomon's choice!
Now, let's take things one at a time:
1. You entered to find mom with severe lower extremity edema. Know that this is quite common in the elderly, and is called "dependent" edema. It's often a part of the aging process, the inefficiency of vessels and heart to correctly handle and eliminate fluids. It may or may NOT be a part of congestive heart failure. Worse with legs down and salt intake up. Unless there is a good deal of breathlessness (which would indicate fluid in lungs) it is not an emergent situation and the legs should be elevated to help the heart pump the fluids for elimination. Then discussed with the doctor as to next steps.
IF you felt this was an emergent situation then you should have called EMS ambulance. When they came they would "assess" and would decide if mom was competent to refuse transport to ER, or would have taken her to ER.
So that's on the swelling. Now to the rest of it.
The cupboards are bare/house a mess.
For me it would be this:
I enter. I find mom with the legs. I would lift them to the chair on pillows, check for weeping, Ask how she is breathing. Decide whether to call EMS or doc. Place call.
Towels are everywhere. I would pick them up. Put them in washer. Turn it on. Cabinets are bare. I would go out for low sodium takeout meal, a treat, a bouquet of flowers, and shop for easy fix groceries, come home, get a casserole in the over. Clean the fridge.
Now I would call sis. (who is either EVIL (in which case, there is no fix), not too bright (which can be worked with but yeah, hard work), or negligent/burned out. I'd say: "Gee, Gail, I came to visit and looks like Mom's legs are edematous again. Do you think she's taking her meds? Should I throw out any salt? I made a casserole and cleaned up a tad. Got in some groceries.
Should I come by tomorrow. Can I get her a recliner (ever so much less expensive than a guardianship fight, Mark). (by the way, how DO you know that the groceries cost what and were bought when, Mark? Apparently you two talk SOMETIMES if you know all that!)
I don't know how old Mom is. But she didn't want to go to ER. I don't know how competent. How neglected. I only know what I could do, and what I could not.
This is a matter, Mark of choosing what hill you wish to die on. What hill Mom wishes die on, because she has had her life and this is the end of it. And her children at war now with one another is going to hurt a lot more than smelly, weepy, edematous legs that will get sores and infections without YOUR and sis's loving care. Mom should probably be in care. I don't know who is stopping THAT thought...........but just saying.
Sorry. There is no simple fix here. And it's certainly not in the direction you're going.
OR you can file again with APS. Maybe this time they will put mom in a nursing home. Maybe that's best for her. Maybe not. Life is nothing but one big maybe.
A) You can file with APS
B) You can ruin yourself financially with a guardianship fight
C) You can help with Mom's care.
Good luck. You have my sympathy.
i called her primary dr and got an appointment and told my sister I was taken her and she said she would do it. Then called mom and said I was making too much of it and she didn’t need to go.
my mom should be in a nursing facility or have full time care at home.
I filed protective services and they haven’t gotten to her case yet in 6 weeks so when I called they said file an addendum and upload the pictures.
I get copies of the bank statements and can see the draw down. 7,000 income a month after taxes and it’s only mid June and has 1200 left. The money is disappearing and nothing to show for it in the house, fridge or even the yard. Her neighbors thought she passed away and there people were living there. The house is the talk of the neighborhood.
I called a cleaning company and a landscaper to come this week and I’m paying for it.
Keep calling Elder services. This is an emergency. Your siblings are abusers.
The leg swelling is “sudden” so I would consider this emergent. Sister saying they’re not bad. How would she know? There’s been no sign she’s been there in at least a week. The spoiled milk from April and only lunch meat may indicate your siblings haven't checked on her for quite a while.
Where’s all this food that was apparently purchased? Did a sibling keep it for themselves leaving mom without any?
Getting guardianship of your mom costs a lot less than hiring an attorney so you may want to look into that either now or in the future.
If you have dual POA and you don’t feel it’s working out, ask your brother to resign. It’s not complicated. Check the POA and see if there’s a procedure that must be followed. If not, it can be as easy as him just writing his statement down and I would definitely have it notarized if he does this.
Please update. I hope everything turns out well for you and your mom.
the 4-600 every week of groceries is the other one taking cash back. I just saw some receipts.
Do know, since you are for more than 6 weeks now, attempting to pursue everything through APS, that it's crucial that you keep meticulous records of what you find. A diary and photos from your phone will help. You need photos of what you find in the house, the filthy towels everywhere, mom with the swollen legs, the empty cabinets, the receipts for expenditures you are finding, photocopies of the bank records you have and etc. These shown to APS may get very quick action.
Keep a diary.
It is crucial they know that mom may no longer be competent in either her care of her decisions and that meanwhile the sis with POA seems to be wiping clean the accounts. 7,000 down to 1,000 is pretty drastic.
I cannot imagine that the system will not be responsive to the sort of neglect you have given evidence of.
If they ARE, and if Mom refuses to get help, sis refuses to get help FOR her, then this may be ALL YOU CAN DO. If mother doesn't want help and appointed sister to this position, and the authorities will not help, I am afraid I would just tell myself that this will be a very unpleasant end of life. You will have done EVERYTHING THAT YOU CAN. I cannot imagine what else could be done. I don't consider going for guardianship in a contested thing, mom and sis against you, win-able. And I don't think it is worth sinking 20,000 dollars in just to have your mother and sister hate you to the end of your mother's life.
You may in fact be LOOKING at end of life. People die in all sorts of ways and with all sort of choices. Partner's mom died home with a good supply of vodka and watching the animals come to the little desert pool she created to feed the wild pigs, rabbits, coyotes outside her window. A room with a view. Her choice and she made it. As I always say, it's an option.