My mum has been unwell for the past year and I have done the majority of the day to day care as I am the nearest in distance and work less hours than my siblings. However I am a single parent, my husband died 5 years ago, and my daughter is 11 years old so I am having to juggle work and home life along with caring for mum.
How do others manage to do this without becoming resentful? I love my mother dearly but she has me doing errands practically everyday, uses me as a taxi service and questions my whereabouts constantly, so much so that I feel I have no privacy. Fortunately her health is now improving but I’m doubtful she will ever return to full independence and don’t know how to cope with being at her beck and call indefinitely and feeling that my life has no worth as my reasons for not being able to undertake an errand/request will be deliberated on by the wider family who will then comment on whether the reason is, in their view, acceptable or not.
I realise in a lot of ways I am fortunate as mum has no signs of dementia and is a lovely person whereas I read a lot of stories on here about care givers who are struggling with a lot more difficult issues than this so I apologise if my query appears trivial but to me it is very real and the resentment is causing me to be constantly guilt ridden. How do I get my own life back while still being there for my mum and my child?
I even feel guilty posting this as it makes me feel I am being disloyal to a wonderful mother
We finally had a big blow up and I told her she didn't care about me - just what I could do for her. She's taken over my t.v. - so I bought another one and put it in my room. When she starts to get ornery - I leave. Call a friend, go for a walk, etc.
She is finally starting to get better and be nicer. She even bragged about me to one of her friends - that I do everything for her. I literally almost fell over! I'm trying to be patient but I'm single, work full-time and at almost 60 am no spring chicken. I have lots of friends, interests and hobbies and refuse to completely give up my life to her. Sometimes I feel exhausted - I then go to my room and close the door and sleep on the weekends. Take care of yourself and at least once a week do something just for you. Mani/ped - wine tasting, movie/lunch with friends, etc.
I know I've suffered shingles and eczema - which I've never had before. And heart palpitations - all signs of stress. That's when I know I need to put myself first.
I drove myself crazy trying to fulfill every wish my elderly mother had. I finally realized I could not do it all and had to start combining errands, asking for assistance and letting some things just wait.
Both my folks gave 1 day a week for their aging widowed Mums, then stepped up to 2 arvos later - all appointments, shopping, picks ups to fit into that. Each sib that lived close enough & opted in did same so they managed ok for years without resentment (it appeared). When 2+ days per sib were reached the move to AL was decided upon.
My Mum remembers this & yet she thinks it reasonable to ask me to not go to work because she wants something done that day! I just laugh & ask "do you want your grandchildren to starve?"
I think after being ill & being around so much in the recovery time some people get emeshed together. Detaching & setting boundaries again is the next step. Don't feel guilty about any resentment! That's the signal to start the detaching process.
You step back a bit, other sibs step up a bit. Do it now before they get used to you being 'the carer'.
Best of luck.
Also prioritize; YOU FIRST, then your dgt, then your mom. Stop being at mom’s beck and call. It’ll only worsen in time. If it feels like she is being intrusive, she probably is. As for other family judging you, NO ! Stop. That is way out of line ! Unless they want to (a)take over or (b)help out, they are in no place to judge you.
I struggle with similar issues; resentment is frighteningly common among caregivers, espec among adult children caring for aging parents. If you read Topics, Forum, etc. here on AgingCare.com you’ll find many articles with tips for reducing stress and burden, as well as alternative resources. I think it comes down to self care and priorities. Stop trying to please others at your own expense, or it could cause you to loose that which you hold most dear. This from a people pleaser who is also learning this painful lesson. Hang in there Barbarabee123. Your worth is NOT determined by anyone else. It’s intrinsic!