My mum has been unwell for the past year and I have done the majority of the day to day care as I am the nearest in distance and work less hours than my siblings. However I am a single parent, my husband died 5 years ago, and my daughter is 11 years old so I am having to juggle work and home life along with caring for mum.
How do others manage to do this without becoming resentful? I love my mother dearly but she has me doing errands practically everyday, uses me as a taxi service and questions my whereabouts constantly, so much so that I feel I have no privacy. Fortunately her health is now improving but I’m doubtful she will ever return to full independence and don’t know how to cope with being at her beck and call indefinitely and feeling that my life has no worth as my reasons for not being able to undertake an errand/request will be deliberated on by the wider family who will then comment on whether the reason is, in their view, acceptable or not.
I realise in a lot of ways I am fortunate as mum has no signs of dementia and is a lovely person whereas I read a lot of stories on here about care givers who are struggling with a lot more difficult issues than this so I apologise if my query appears trivial but to me it is very real and the resentment is causing me to be constantly guilt ridden. How do I get my own life back while still being there for my mum and my child?
I even feel guilty posting this as it makes me feel I am being disloyal to a wonderful mother
While you say that your mother is fine mentally, I'd question why she is so insistent of your time and services. You say that she's demanding of your whereabouts and invades your privacy......to me, that's not normal and I would wonder why she's that way. I mean, if she were thinking clearly, would she really be that way to her loving daughter?
I think that I would have to make some decisions on what I was willing and able to do. No one is obligated to forego duties to their own family to take care of a parent. I'd likely set out what works for me, my family, my job and my schedule. You might contact a professional agency who can assist her with errands, transportation, etc. And, many pharmacy and grocery stores deliver.
I would think that quality visits by you and your family with mom would be joyful and relaxing. Wouldn't she enjoy that more than all the work you are doing?
Heart check daily
am I angry ?
am I resentful?
am I hurting?
am I tense?
am I exhausted?
if yes to 3 out of 5 listen! Get help. Rest.
Love yourself first.
As for the rest of the family deciding if your life and the life of your daughter are important enough to not dance to moms unreasonable tune, jog on folks. You can tell them to go deal with it, you don't have to explain anything and it is completely out of line for any of them to even go there. When they are helping as much as you, then they may say something, until then, overstepping.
Your daughter comes first and if anyone questions that, they are not even worth your time. She needs you now more than ever, it is a difficult age and if you don't guide her, she will be guided by other influences.
You can love your mom without being her personal slave.
Now Mom is improving would be a good time to set boundries. Explain u cannot be at her beck and call indefinitely. You have a job and a 11 yr old who is ur priority. If you have an 11 yr old Mom can't be too old. There are services out there she can take advantages of. Check with your Office of Aging. They usually have buses that will take you to appts and shopping. I had a whiteboard for Mom where when she thought of something she needed she wrote it down and picked it up during our errand day. Your Mom needs to do for herself. It will be better for her and her health.
Very practical and good solution all around. Compromise is always good if it’s possible. I love having designated times for taking care of routine occurrences, running errands, and so forth. I used to think it was easier to just do what she wanted and get it over with. I was wrong! She just came up with more for me to do and naturally, I grew resentful.
Just like we didn’t give into our children’s demands because they would have become spoiled. I think many caregivers don’t realize they are spoiling their parents. I didn’t realize it.
I had to tell my mom that I am happy to help her but I will not be a trained circus animal, puppet on a string, servant at her whim, and so forth. I do things according to my schedule and everything always gets done. She may not always like that things aren’t done instantly but she is actually showing more appreciation and respect.
My wise daughter lovingly gave me great advice one day. She said, “Mom, people will view you the way you view yourself. You always taught me to stand up for myself. Now it’s your time to do that with grandma and anyone else.” She’s a smart young woman!
She adores my mom and my mom loves her. I love my mom and I know how much she loves me. If we don’t watch ourselves we can take each other for granted and then we have to make sure that we show love, appreciation and respect for one another. It’s the only thing that works, otherwise resentment will build which is never healthy for anyone.
My daughter could see what was happening though and lovingly spoke from her heart to me.
I have recently arranged pharmacy delivery although I’m still working on trying to get my mum to think ahead with her prescriptions so that she doesn’t leave it until the last minute and then expect me to collect and deliver - we’ll get there in the end I think!
Thanks for the transport suggestion I am going to see what is available in the area.
I love “no is a complete sentence” and am planning to be more assertive in this respect which I have to admit I do struggle with particularly as my mother assumes that something bad is being withheld from her if I give no reason for not being able to assist with something and becomes more persistent with her queries. She will ask directly what I am doing that stops me from doing her biding which I find very difficult to respond to. It sounds pathetic but I find myself planning things that I don’t really want to do just to avoid constantly being available when really all I want is to be able to stay at home and do some of the chores that have built up over the past few months while being carer.
Sunnygirl I understand why you ask about my mothers mental state with regards to her insistence on knowing what I am doing everyday but she, herself will tell everyone her plans and I think she just can’t understand why anyone else would not want to do the same? I would like to be able to say no and for that to be accepted without questioning from her or my siblings. I can see I definitely need to improve my ability to be assertive!
Once we reach adulthood we feel we don't really owe any explanations to anyone of what we are doing...and this happened to me. My mom would ask where was I going or doing and some times I would answer, but most times it would bug me (and lets face it, that was the teenage in me coming out!). Cause think about it, if you were in a relationship, married or even to your own kids, wouldn't you tell them what are you up to? Is a different dynamic, but bottom line is that they may just worry and would like to know you are safe. Easier said than done...but it is an idea!
Ironically one of my siblings recently said that mum only allows me to assist her. It appears that their offers of help have been rebuffed. I feel hurt she has let me struggle on when help was apparently forthcoming from my sibling and possibly unbeknown to me the others too
You can do it! Just say NO!
It’s hard not to feel some resentment. You are trying to live a life, take care of problems, and someone comes along that you have to care for. Even the easy one’s aren’t trivial impacts on your life because you worry about them, they need help in ways that are frustrating and so on and so forth.
And lets be honest here, there’s a lot of BS too. My father is an excuse machine for why he can’t do things
I feel bad about it, but I don’t too, it kind of clarified some things and I think it’s been a positive. I sort of wish I’d put my foot up his butt a year ago.
Anyways, don’t feel bad about it, as I’ve said before, this is one of the hardest things a person will ever do. You won’t be perfect at it and you don’t want the practice to get perfect at it. Just do your best.
When different personalities come into play it’s even harder. I hate how nosey my mom is, that she wants me to report everything to her. Makes me feel like a child. Plus I want to speak to her, have a conversation with her, not be interviewed by my mother! I don’t do it. She will ask but I don’t answer every question. I don’t want to.
When she tells me about this or that and I am not interested then I walk off. My mom is loving too but she likes to stir the pot sometimes. I don’t provide a pot for her to stir. I don’t say that I don’t want to hear what she has to say because she will only argue and tell me why I should. I go to the bathroom or my bedroom, hang clothes in my laundry room or somewhere she won’t follow me.
Mom was and still is a fantastic grandma but unless I ask for her advice then I don’t want her to interfere. She has interfered. My mother in law did not interfere. She died and I miss her but so grateful for that I had her until my oldest daughter was 5. She was a special lady who said right from the beginning that she would never interfere, she didn’t. Her mom did interfere and she chose to break the cycle. I admire that.
I hope it will be possible for you to find solutions to your situation. Hugs!
You cannot be in two places at once and your daughter needs a mom to be there for her in her full capacity. Stress and guilt over your mom can certainly compromise your ability to do this. Set boundaries with your mom on YOUR timetable and remember your daughter comes first. Easier said then done for sure.....but you must maintain your well being in order to care for your loved ones.
So true! Battle of the wills. I noticed my mom competing with me, even having to have the last word and so forth. Very good point. I have thought about if it is an attempt of gaining some independence back. Has to be so hard for them to have to rely on others. I totally get that.
However, our world cannot totally revolve around theirs so we have to come up with compromises. Since doing so, I have seen a deeper appreciation and respect for me and on my end the resentment towards her has faded and away and I can feel deeper compassion for her.
I had a blowout yesterday with my mom over cleaning her sink. I cleaned it two days prior and she told me to clean it again and I didn't because 3 people stopped by yesterday to take care of her needs. ( Life alert, equipment delivery and something else that I can't remember now)
She had so many derogatory remarks about me and my cleaning abilities even though I've left my husband for a total of a month-and-a-half to stay and take care of her and wait on her hand and foot. I lost it!
She knew she pushed my buttons and apologized. But later as I was taking out her garbage, we had three bags she thought she only had two. as I was returning back to get the third bag she stands up gets in her walker and starts screaming out the door get my mail get my mail! I simply ignored her. of course I was going to get the mail I just had to return one more time to pick up another bag. Neither one of us mentioned it but she knew I was ignoring her on purpose.
I guess what I'm trying to say is right now the relationship between you and your mother is very sweet. The only way it's going to stay sweet as if you step back and limit your time like the others said. the more you do, the more they expect the greater the resentment builds and one day you may find yourself not liking the person that you once loved dearly.
I realze it is hard for you and being single, Have a little one and no help, your Mum is demanding, Makes you run like a rag doll and you feel your life is being zapped from you.
Maybe Mom could HIRE part time a Caregiver to Take some of the Slack off of you and you should Point out although you Love her and don't Mind the chores, You have a life too with her GRAND DAUGHTER.
I have gained a lot of comfort at times from this site and continue to do so.
There is no long-term solution regarding resentments. It is part of caregiving. But can your siblings contribute financially so that you can hire a caregiver to help you out? It is only fair. You are a single mother with a young child and a fulltime job. That is really hard and unfair.
Can your mother afford to pay someone to do some of these errands for her? (I did not see anyone else suggesting that as an option.,) Maybe there are some chores that your daughter could do for her grandma and get paid for the work.
Not to make light of your situation but more to welcome you to the sisterhood - many have been there before us & there are many to come yet
SET BOUNDARIES & STICK TO THEM - tell her that you are available on [for example] Tues afternoons, Friday mornings & Sunday afternoons/evenings - she can call but you 'will not be able to drive to her place to get shampoo until Friday A.M. but you will make a note of it' -
Your daughter takes priority as she has no father & is young enough to need your help - this is why she is your highest priority - if daughter has a soccer game then you go & if mom wants to join you then that's a bonus however if mom doesn't want to stay then walk her to the car to sit in until the game is over - bring her a chair to sit in but that's about as much as you do as the focus is on your daughter
The hardest thing is that you don't have boundaries now & trying to establish them now may be hard - explain to mom that as she is now so much improved [lay this on thick] it is now your priority to be there for your daughter .... invite her to be part of this but make sure mom knows how the land lays from now on - good luck