How to answer meal time (especially dinner) and cravings?

I never gave Mom an option. She got what I cooked. She liked homemade soup so I would pick that up at the diner for her for lunch. Breakfast was cereal or what I made. If I had leftovers, like sausage gravy, I gave her that for lunch or breakfast.

I guess ur problem is ur afraid she would get food on her own. I was able to gate Mom into her room. She was too far gone to figure how to get out. Try not asking her if there was anything she needed. Just say good night.

This is what I didn't like about CG. The constant worry about Mom doing something when I was sleeping. When she went into the AL, it was the first night in 20 months that I had a good nights sleep. Having her was like having an infant again.

If it's not possible for you to install a door with a lock in your kitchen doorway, consider going to a home store and purchasing locks for your pantry and anything else that has food, including the refrigerator. It’s drastic, but it’s better than Mom starting a fire. There are also tamper proof locks for stove dials. You can, if you want, leave a sleeve of crackers and a jar of peanut butter out on the counter.

When your dinner is ready, if she declines food, make her a plate of what YOU are eating and leave it in her room. Assure her that this is it. She eats or goes hungry. The chef has retired for the evening and the kitchen is truly “locked up”. Make sure she has some snack crackers or something in her room, but she will not waste away before breakfast.

You would not, or should not, be preparing a menu of options for meals for anyone, her, your children, your husband or even the dog/cat. I have to think that there is a part of her that is enjoying having her own personal Door Dash.

I usually ask what they want for lunch, and for breakfast it's easy, because they only eat one of two things. I told them I was not running a fast food restaurant. At dinner, they get what I fix. Usually eat most of it, but now and then, half of the plate is untouched - which means at 8 they will be eating sugary snacks most likely. It's something I don't have any control over. My mother will fix a bowl of cereal sometimes at night ( it may or may not have milk, or something else like orange juice - yuk) My mother likes soup also, and I do give them leftovers if it was something they like. If your mother has some type of snack or maybe even those microwave soups, they might help. Any way that you can lock the kitchen door, or take the knobs off the stove? Lock the microwave and oven. I am planning to get refrigerator lock because tired of having expensive food left out to thaw.

I understand defending your kitchen, but I vote for using locks to defend the kitchen and offering Mom the same dinner everyone else in the household has. Did your mother cook separate meals for you as a child? Is the MC going to cook a different dinner at 8:00pm? Why isn't Mom joining the family for dinner?

I recommend getting a dome that covers a plate and make your mother a plate at dinner time. If she doesn't eat it place the covered plate in the fridge and if she wants to eat at 8:00pm then reheat the dinner plate. Or let her eat snacks. I keep fruit and a container of animal crackers on a table in my mother's bedroom.

Serve it up, no options. I'm not a short order cook. Supper is what I cook and when I serve it. If it's not what Mother wants, there is always cold cereal or pb&j. Luckily, she hasn't refused what I cook or when I serve it. She doesn't always eat it all, but at least she takes a "no thank you" bite if she's not interested.

Just offer what you have - no such thing as cravings medically unless some deficiency. This is purely self , unfortunately a result of dementia, she doesn't understand timings so you have to fit her bodily requirements to your life. If she doesn't want to eat I wouldn't make her, just give her a small (amount as she eats) of whatever you have when you have it, if she doesn't want it she can have it later. If she hasn't eaten at all during the day and you are going to bed then make her a sandwich of something she likes that doesn't have to be eaten instantly and leave the covered plate with her. The fact the "cravings" change so often is simply that she doesn't remember, they are a way of getting your attention, leave it a few hours and she would forget she had asked. Yes I sound like a hard bitch, but this cannot dominate your lives and is making you ill so think about yourself and accept she doesn't know what she is doing. You wouldn't let a child behave like this so don't let an adult with the terrible illness. Its hard to be logical when its a parent one cares about but we have to accept they are not the parent we knew, and care is necessary, waiting on hand foot and finger is not.

I should let ready meals be your friend. Keep some in the freezer, and then you can defrost and microwave them as and when.

If this offends the nutritionist/ecologist in you, how about cooking in bulk over the weekend and freezing individual portions in containers? Living alone, I often do this for myself and many dishes cope with the process pretty well.

Longer term, it would be better for your mother to ease her back into the family schedule. Better for her diet and her socialisation/mental stimulation. For example, rather than presenting her with those (well-intentioned, I'm not being critical) options, you or your husband go to her room and state (not ask) "it's dinner time, mother, let's get you to the table."

You will immediately spot that the downside is that you and your husband have to cope with having your mother present at mealtimes; and I remember and sympathise that this does not make for the most relaxing dining experience ever. But it is an important aspect of her inclusion in the family home. How do you feel about it?

How about not running to the store and just telling her that you don't have that in the house? That you'll get it "next time"? And I suggest locking up the food but keep out a healthy snack that she can just open and eat like pudding cups or a snack bar? She may not be happy about it and if she stops talking to you, so be it. Sometime you have to use tough love.

My mom literally does the thing and she has early onset dementia with type 2 diabetes. I beg her to eat breakfast, snacks, lunch and dinner but if it's healthy she won't touch it. Even at fast food places she'll argue, those green beans are burnt but she'll devour the burnt chicken and mash potatoes. She'll say she's not hungry but an hour or two later she's looking for something she shouldn't be eating. Worse is that we're on a tight budget cause we're very poor and she'll ask for fast food right after I cook her a wholesome meal. I had friends hang out with her and they brought soups, salads and healthy meals but I ended up having to eat then and discard them cause she wants to be picky. SMH I feel your struggle. I know you don't want her to starve but she needs to get off her high horse. Makes me think about my childhood and how picky I was.

The temptation to say give her the car keys and tell her where the nearest Taco Bell is, is overwhelming...but I so get it. It has taken me a long while to get over worrying about mom (age 96) and her eating habits. Whatever she's eating/not eating, she's still alive and kicking and I've given up. You are stuck for the moment in being a good daughter mode. ANd she sounds like she has always been a bit of a manipulator...particularly if she is capable of going on a hunger strike or not talking to anyone out of spite. My mom is very fond of certain things. The old habit would be --even pre-dementia--to have a half gallon of ice cream she and my father would gorge on till satisfied, independently, with a spoon (BLECH!) from the carton directly from the freezer. Of course who knew how much of that she would eat. So I buy the (regrettably seasonal) assorted box of treats from Costco (or whatever was on sale at the grocery or Walmart) and that way she could go in the freezer and help herself. She eats breakfast. She snacks on chips. She will easily go in the fridge and eat pickles, olives. I'm not home at lunch time and I just don't worry about it because she is capable of finding something. She regularly leaves a knife by pastry on the counter to pick at will ..so she's not hungry if you offer her something. From that and snacking on chips etc while she reads all day. I don't cook every night. When I do I leave a note on the table that says "I'm making dinner". When she comes in to eat it's always the broken record "OH! SO much food!" (it's not) or suddenly sweetness about "oh, you didn't have to go to so much trouble." My dad, age 102 as of Monday, volunteers daily at Meals on Wheels and sporadically brings a leftover meal home that they SHARE. It's not enough IMO, and I often replate it on a microwaveable plate (she is not allowed to use the micro, but he has been taught how) and add some frozen veggies...I got a set of plates that is sectioned with a lid that can easily go in the fridge and has a vent hole on top for the micro. With her being 96 I decided to let it go. She takes a multi-vitamin and a blood pressure pill and at every MD re-check her labs come back fine. Weight is pretty stable. So I'm not worrying. She has toast and coffee in the AM, probably juice. She and dad also go out to Panera or Olive Garden or a local dive or get pizza 2-3 times a week. So, if the expense is not too great for you/her, I'd sign her up for meals on wheels (someone must be there during the day with her?? to take the meal in?. If she doesn't eat it then, plate it for reheating later. What do you think is going to happen in memory care? She'll have limited choices and probably limited eating times. Stop running to the store. You only go on (fill in the blank). Sorry. And then she'll probably forget what she asked for anyhow. And especially STOP asking her what she wants! Do more of a "dinner's ready!" and if she doesn't want to join you then fine. Leave something edible on a plate in the fridge. Or maybe offer to whip up, at most, a frozen meal which you can get on sale for about $2...and then go to bed and RELAX.

I so feel your pain..My Mom has not been diagnosed yet..She
has vascular issues, limited mobility etc.I have loved cooking
my entire life, I collect cookbooks.She just sits and imagines
and says, I feel like such & such it ..I’m down this rabbit hole right now.I think your husband’s idea is great to show her a can of soup as an option.I’m out of ideas but I really try to make sure she eats dinner early, on a good day I get her tired
enough that she won’t get up at night and ramble around.I also notice she plays with her food more.I give her soup,she’s
dunking The spoon and dropping the soup back in the bowl
til It’s cold.Then asking me to reheat it.I don’t think this gets
better..

We sometimes offer the two options like you but mostly just make meals and bring mom to the table to eat together.  We know what she likes and what her sensitive constitution can tolerate. If she decides she is hungry later we give her greek yogurt or cottage cheese with jam or smoked salmon on toast. Cheese and crackers. You get the picture. Good food but no cooking. Though my sister found the new soup in a cup by campbells and said it was good. Microwaveable. Tell her what is available- no cooking. If she doesn’t want then stick back in fridge and tell her its there if she gets hungry. That youll make the beans and rice very soon for her. And like others said you can freeze a small batch to have ready to heat. Good luck finding balance.

One of my biggest issues when my mom came to live with us was meals for her. I do not and did not want to start cooking every night and what I eat and what she likes to eat is different. I have Mobile Meals deliver her meal every morning. So that in the evening she will have a meal ready. I put it on a plate and serve it to her. This has been a huge lifesaver for me. In SC it is not based on income. It is based on need. She is able to make her own toast and coffee in the morn. But that is all she is able to do. At lunch I serve her a bowl of soup. The Mobile Meals in this area is not government subsidized. It is based on donations. The food is not shipped in, it is all hommade. One time they even served shrimp which was delicious. The meals are all pretty good.

I always have a plate of snacks for Mom consisting of fruit (blueberries, strawberries, blackberries, etc.), cookies, Little Debbies, anything she likes, anything that won't spoil. She snacked on them all day, when the plate is empty, I fill it up again. She especially liked those old fashioned orange slices, the sticky sugar coated things. They come in different colors and flavors, a mixed container. She gets this along with meals. When Mom was in better shape, she even got a plate for her room for overnight.

They don't seem to have a sense of meal times, or when they ate last. Mom would eat dinner then someone would stop over and I would offer them something to eat. Mom would forget she just ate a half an hour ago and wanted another dinner.

My suggestion would be to utilize information given to you by the facility you are on the waiting list. I'm sure they provided you a monthly calendar of meals that will be provided. Go ahead and start providing similar meals. Don't knock yourself out preparing meals. They certainly won't. She will adjust to what is provided. She will be grumpy at first and disagree with whatever is provided but she will shortly settle in. Our parents did. And they both have gained weight.

I make one dinner and that is it. If my mother eats it or not is up to her that is her option. However, my mother can still cook easy things and use the microwave. We have microwave mashed pototoes, microwave mac & cheese, soup, individual fruit cups, lunch meat, pb&j, plus, she has chips, crackers, cookings and God knows what in her room to snack on. I may sound uncaring and harsh but I don't worry at this point of her eatting or what she eats.

The older we get the less energy we use the less we eat. I know she is not going hungry. This all may change as the disease progress. But what will never change is that I make one dinner.

It sounds to me that you mom might being playing games with you. I am in no way saying she is doing it on purpose, she may really have no knowledge of what she is doing. Give her one option for dinner and make available no cooking snacks or microwave food.


Good luck!

Ooohh--we're heading here with Mother. Brother unplugged her stove a couple years ago, I found out when I tried to cook her a grilled cheese some time ago. She was actually quite embarrassed, but I assume there was some need for her to lose cooking privileges. She has a microwave, but microwaves are really only good for warming things up, not doing a whole meal.

She doesn't eat breakfast. She eats 'lunch' at about 11 and 'dinner' at 4:30. Taking her out to either meal is challenging--I can't eat a steak at 11 or 4:30! I try to take her to lunch occasionally, and it's hard, a lot pf places don't even HAVE the lunch menu out at 11.

She lives with brother's family. They keep even weirder hours. Really, only dinner as all the 'kids' are still home in their 20's and 30's. They eat huge dinners at 10-12 pm. I've suggested they just put aside a small microwaveable plate for mom, they don't do it. It would be simple enough, there's 6 of them!

It's becoming increasingly difficult for mother to make her own meals. Takes her a full 30 minutes to make a simple salad, and my observations as to how she could make that so much more efficiently--were met with and icy stare. "Let me take care of MYSELF". She needs to still be as independent as she can be.

I think we'll be to MOW pretty soon, if she'll allow it. If brother will allow it. She's ok healthwise, just 89 and failing, as all 89 yo's are bound to do.

If I had your situation, I would not kowtow to mom's weird eating patterns. I raised 5 kids and I was not going to be spending my entire life in the kitchen b/c somebody was hungry.

There are so many 'single serving' containers of things that can be left out with no problem. Leave her a little snack tray on the bedside table. Hopefully, seeing that and knowing she has food in case of getting 'snacky' will help curb her desire to have you fussing her.

Mother puts a glass of milk and some graham cracker by her nightstand. I can't bear warm milk, and I wonder about it sitting there all night-but what can I do?

With dementia, memory is such a hit and miss experience. You can remind and remind and the memory is gone almost immediately.

I kept a basket of Activia yogurt in Dad's favorite fruit flavors in the fridge for him to eat at will. He also liked Power Crunch protein bars that were a bit like wafer cookies. Breakfast was a couple eggs or on Sunday a waffle with fruit and "pudding" yogurt. Dinner was very simple cut up meat and microwaved frozen veggies. He used to love Noodles and potatoes but seemed to loose interest. After he ate his dinner, he got ice cream or a bakery treat. He ate in his comfy chair because sitting at the table hurt his back. He liked zero calorie gator aid, but would not drink plain water.

Maybe just say good night and don't ask her if she needs anything else. If it is that critical she will just tell you what she needs when you say good night, without the prompt. She will not starve overnight. Worst case scenario, she will be hungry in the morning and ready for a big and hopefully healthy breakfast the next morning.

First I would say pick your battles here. Trying to get her to conform to your eating schedule is going to backfire and you might be pleasantly surprised at just how different her conforming to your schedule might get once you stop having such an investment in it. Most of us particularly as we get older like being told what to do when and probably even harder, consciously or not, when your child is telling you when to eat. We go through very similar stuff with my mom but she is a diabetic and on several medications to generate insulin (including actual insulin) so if she doesn't eat...well nightmare and dangerous. She is prone to not eating the things she should too but we have to let some of that go. So we try to be careful about what she has in the house available to her. She is supposed to avoid salt (heart issues) but loves to lick the salt off of Ritz crackers for instance, doesn't put peanut butter or cheese on it doesn't even eat the cracker, she will just sit down and lick the salt off 2-3 sleeves of crackers in a sitting. So when she buys one of the extra large boxes of Ritz at the store now we ration them, give her 1 maybe 2 sleeves depending on the timing and my brother takes the rest with him bringing back a sleeve at a time. It's a fine line that's always being tested but it just doesn't seem right to take all of her control away from her.

When I am there I make several large meals and package them up individually in single serve TV dinner like containers I bought on Amazon and freeze them. So the freezer is stocked with good, healthy low salt meals she can pull out and throw in the microwave any time. I even put frozen vegetables in each dinner for a well rounded meal. She is and always has been fond of fresh fruit and vegetables so she get's those for herself and typically eats them along with yogurt and cheese so fresh or not there is always something available for her to eat without much work. Doesn't always mean she will go out to the kitchen and get something but there is always something there. My suggestion for you is perhaps a form of this, have some ready made frozen meals for her and each night when you have dinner invite her to join the family and if she isn't ready to eat yet, fine fix her a plate or dinner container of what you had and she can reheat it later if she chooses, if not stick it in the freezer for another time or if your DH is like mine, leftovers for lunch! As long as mom is eating, has 1 decent meal a day or equivalent let go of worrying about her "meals". Truth is as we age and become less active we don't need as much food and timing does become different (lol the age old standard being early bird special!). If you make the right meal (one you know mom likes sometimes) make enough for an army and re-stock the freezer with meals. Then have other options easy and at the ready for her to choose from if that nights menu doesn't interest her when she is hungry.

You and DH have learned the art of giving her 2 choices/options, good for you but if she keeps coming up with something completely different, rice and beans, maybe just invite her to dinner with you, don't even tell her whats for dinner unless she asks or offer a different option unless she says shes hungry but doesn't care for what's being served, give her that control. Then when she's hungry a couple hours later a plate is ready for her or she can microwave something out of the freezer or eat something out of the fridge. If she wants rice and beans and that isn't in the freezer just say that sounds good, unfortunately we don't have any at the moment but I will put it on the list for my next shopping trip. You may find that the less you try to control it the less she wants to make a mess of the kitchen at odd hours and perhaps the more she will choose to join family meals but if not. so be it as long as you have things locked down for safety maybe a mess or two will get that out of her system when other good options are available

Mom ate what we ate and on our schedule. I did, however, have one drawer in the fridge just for her and a basket in the pantry with her snacks - and she was able to get them any time she wanted. I asked her not to eat in her room but she did keep her chocolate and hard candy in there. I kept a close eye on that just because I didn't want ants, but she seemed to do ok with that. She loved those Ensure drinks and would have one of those if she didn't want what we were eating. No way would I have become a short order cook!

Could you encourage her to sit with you during meals since it's family time? Approach her by saying it's a special time of day and since she's family it's important that she be at the table with everyone whether she wants to eat or not... maybe once she sees the food, she'll start eating with you.

I sure hope you find a solution and don't have to wait much longer for her spot in memory care.

SIT DOWN TO EAT AS A FAMILY -the act of being at the table with others most likely will reset her into 'it's time to eat' - make afternoon snacks smaller - freeze any craving she has so you only need to nuke something from freezer if she doesn't want what's for dinner

When mom was at NH some residents went down for meals early as  they all were together .... worth a try

I wonder whether the incident you describe is about company rather than food (or company as well). Does she eat it all if you cook it, or is that another frustration? If mother has been in bed for an hour or so and either slept and woke up, or couldn't go to sleep, perhaps she wanted some attention and company. Could this be another way to look at it, perhaps with some other options?

Don't give her a choice. She eats whatever you eat, period. No what I cook or your soup. No, what would YOU like to eat for supper. If you cook and she doesn't eat it when you do, then a tupperware plate is set to the side for her of THAT food, and that is what is heated up in the microwave when she decides she is hungry. No exceptions. No running back to the store. No extra cooking. The stove is locked up. The cabinets are locked up. The fridge and freezer are locked up. This means you have control of it all. You heat up the food and if she doesn't eat it then, place it back in the fridge and if she decides again that she is hungry, then that is what she eats, period. If she gets mad and refuses to eat for the next day, eventually she will have no choice but to eat. Buy some freezer tupperware and every time you cook and she doesn't eat place the meal into freezer ware and then when she decides to eat, she can then eat any of those things or else she doesn't eat. Sorry, but dementia or not, I refuse to cater to her whims and strangeness. I realize not eating is not good, but at some point she will either eat or she will become sick and go to the hospital. At that time, I will refuse to take her home and the hospital has no choice but to move her somewhere then.

I know exactly what you are going through. My husband was never a picky eater, but since he was diagnosed with LBD and I have to help him with everything, he has become like a spoiled child. His cravings were none stop from minute to minute. He would get upset when I told him I could not make constant trips to the grocery store. I told him if he wanted to have everything he wanted to eat, he better pack his bags and move into H.E.B. (our neighborhood grocery store). Now, I cook dinner and if he doesn't like it, then he can go without or eat a sandwich. As long as I know he is getting healthy meals, I am not worrying about him skipping a meal. I neither have the time or the energy to fulfill his every little whim, while he sits, sleeps and watches TV all day. I think men in general make the worst patients, because any little pain they have they think they are dying. LOL

Make her a plate wrap it, then stick it in microwave, ...cottage cheese works for me too, something with the calcium or milk product, then shell go to bed...try it maybe..

Lesson to be learned here - Mom is now child like and doesn't want to eat at dinner time (kind of like a child pouting over not wanting to eat their veggies). Once you give in to the "first rice & beans at 8;00 P.M.," she'll know she can yank your chain again. Do not accommodate a child like request.

We had the same problem and found a partial answer by putting a dorm sized refrigerator and a microwave in her bedroom. I tried to have a few different options in Tupperware single serve containers. I would write what each on was in dry erase markers. We taped off all the microwave buttons but the reheat button for single servings. Then we put little snack treats into the fridge for her. She found out that she loved single serve things like cottage cheese, puddings, cheese and cracker packets and for some reason Ensure drinks that came in cans. Bottles were breakable so we didn't go there. We put a plastic bag lined trash can next to both for the wrappers along with plastic forks and spoons. We also put a dinner tray with legs on the bed next to her so that she could eat without spilling. It was a little bit of work to keep it stocked up but we had to do it after we discovered she thought soup took at least 10 minutes in the microwave to heat up. We were scared that she would burn the house down. Especially when she would pull things off of the stove with a dish cloth instead of a pot holder. We had two or three of those catch fire but we caught them in time. We also invested in several fire detectors in and around her room and in the hallway. Hope this helps.

Many nice replies and suggestions!

Despite dementia sufferers seeming to behave like spoiled bratty kids, remember they are NOT. Kids can be told this is it, nothing else and most will eventually learn to eat what is given or go hungry. Those who have dementia really cannot "learn" and often cannot retain what they are told, so trying to train them to fit into your schedule is probably never going to work. It will only frustrate you more. Also taste habits and preferences can and do change as we age, as well as the need for as much food at specific times. Personally my habits are not the norm - I eat when hungry, not at a time predetermined by old habits (tough to comply with others needs when you are working and staying in the norm is best for the majority for sure!)

Is mom not able to join everyone at the table, whether she eats or not? At least joining you all can keep her socially interactive. You must know what her typical likes/dislikes and cravings are by now. Are the kitchen/food areas mom-proofed? If she can get to the kitchen/food areas, "child-proof" it as best you can. I understand there are locks for refrigerators and cabinets. Microwaves, even much older ones, have a "lock" capability for the controls (learned about this when mom accidentally locked hers and my brother had to fix it -press/hold the stop/cancel button for about 3 seconds to lock or unlock - newer washer/dryers have this option and my newer stove has it as well. If stove doesn't, remove knobs/controls and lock the oven door.) You indicated she does go there and make a mess, so mom-proofing should be done. For those who are concerned about leaving the water on, generally there are shut-off valves under the sink. Inconvenient, but better than dealing with the aftermath!

I like the suggestions others gave for having her own small fridge with "tasty" single serve items and/or fresh fruit/veggies. Ensure/other drinks, etc, if she will drink them. Unless she is still capable of using a microwave, that is a questionable option, based on her ability. Packaged single-serve snack foods are also good - cookies, crackers, some with cheese, nuts if she can manage them, etc.

For times like her wanting rice and beans, or some other food she likes/craves, you know what she generally asks for, so make up a big batch and freeze single servings for quick heat up in the microwave! Rice and beans freeze okay. I make chili and freeze it, so I know beans can handle it and I make at least one dish with rice, so I know cooked rice can be frozen and microwaved too. Most other foods can be frozen after cooking, so you can have most of her yearnings available - no cooking required before bed, just nuke and serve!

As for her being restricted to what's available at a MC facility - before moving in, mom's facility did ask for likes, dislikes, restrictions, etc. At all meals the residents ARE given choices, generally two main meats/dishes and a choice of sides - even dessert has choices! They eat as much as they want and leave what they don't want on the plate. Waste of food sometimes? Yup. Unfortunate, but you never know what might get eaten or not, and have to err on the overabundance side. Timing? There are some who I have seen eating breakfast at lunchtime! Often sleeping habits are out of whack, so if a resident sleeps in but wants breakfast, s/he gets it. Might be warmed up leftovers, but still. Even odd choices for a meal is tolerated. I saw one woman have a toasted bagel for dinner - nothing on it, just the toasted bagel. If residents ask for foods between meals, they have some options available (fruit, cookies, packs of crackers, etc.)

There are many ways to accommodate mom while waiting for a place without compromising your own schedule. Standing your ground and saying this is it is a little on the harsh side. They are not being difficult just because - they live in a different reality now. It often doesn't mesh with our own, so we have to get creative!