Ok, so my sister has not been in any of our lives for over 18 years since my Dad passed. She is very selfish and does not care about anything. She had the balls to ask me if I was going to give my mother a funeral since she saw me post something on FB. If something happens to mom, should I even tell her? She has not called, written or said a word to mom in 15 years. Should I give her the satisfaction of knowing what is going on or tell her to shove it?
Be an advocate for your mom first and an angry sibling later.
If you have other siblings, let them do the honor of telling your sister. You will know what to do when the time comes.
I know that you have been through a lot with your mom.
It’s never easy to be a caregiver. I can empathize with you. I cared for my mother too.
I loved my mother dearly, but we certainly had our ups and downs in our relationship.
I suppose that every parent and child has their ups and downs throughout the years.
There aren’t any perfect parents, nor perfect children. I don’t like when people expect perfection from others or themselves.
Perfectionists are intolerant of everything, therefore, making themselves and others miserable.
Plus, family dynamics can become so complicated. People put up with crap from family members that they would never put up with from anyone else.
Why do families have such complex relationships? Ha! Your guess is as good as mine.
Some people have said that they don’t want to break the commandment of honoring their mother and father.
Personally, I believe in honoring the honorable, so a commandment doesn’t make a difference in how I live my life if that person isn’t honorable.
Same thing applies to being ‘my brother’s keeper.’ I feel that everyone is responsible for their own lives.
Allow your sister to be true to who she is, while you stay true to your convictions.
If you haven’t communicated with your sister in all of these years, you don’t really know what is going on in her life.
Do whatever makes sense to you when your mom dies.
I am curious how your mom really feels about your sister. Is she a person who holds onto a grudge?
Does your sister hold grudges? Or, maybe they simply decided that they were better off living separate lives.
Are there things that your mom and sister haven’t shared with you? Some families have secrets.
I have never understood why people post their personal lives on Facebook. Don’t post anything personal on Facebook to avoid being questioned.
Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.
So you do what you need to do for you. Mom has lived her life exactly how she wanted to.
When families say “ they’ve always taken in their elderly “ …….., just a generation or 2 ago the elderly that needed care by family members usually didn’t live like that for years . They died . Now the elderly often decline at a slower rate , requiring years or decades of care.
And you're surprised that your sister has chosen to go no contact for 18 years? Maybe she was just DONE with mom. You chose to stay and care for her--that's your thing. Sis has chosen to not. That's her thing.
I think that taking the high road and letting sis know when your mom passes is the best thing to do. Be the bigger person in this.
You don't have to have a funeral--then don't. Do a graveside service or don't do anything when the time comes.
I think your anger is justified, but don't let it rule every thought you have. The person you are hurting is YOU.
And keep your FB acct clean as a whistle. I made a HORRIBLE mistake of posting a short comment about my MIL's house being ready for sale--and took the post down 12 hrs later (Literally posted at 11 pm and took it down about 8 am the next day)--after thinking about it---and I already had enraged my DH, his OB and Sister. They probably will never forgive me.
This was weeks ago and I am still in the doghouse.
Your sister chose to walk away. I would have done that myself.
The Funeral Director/Poet Thomas Lynch has a lovely saying about how once someone is dead there is nothing whatsoever you can do to them for them about them or with them that will make the slighest difference.
I guess sis is communicating with you?
Her feelings then, now, must be complicated?
I would ask tell her that you don't (if you don't) plan services. (None of my family had services, per our wishes). I would ask her nicely if she would like to be notified if your mom is near death or has passed. And that's what I would do.
Why if you haven’t heard from sis , is she even a Facebook friend of yours ??
People should weed out their list of friends periodically on these things for this very reason .
I wouldn’t tell her what is going on yet . IF YOU tell her at all , WAIT until after your mother is placed and adjusted . Your sister coming back into the picture now will just complicate things. Your mother will plead her case to stay home to your sister and may have your sister giving you grief . As POA you are not obligated to explain to anyone your mother’s business . People mistakenly think that as POA they are obligated to inform others and they are not .
For now you could ignore her ( my choice ) or just answer back that Mom is not dying that you know of but she is elderly so ……one never can be sure . Leave it at that for now . I wouldn’t answer anymore questions .
Personally , I would be totally ignoring her . Your sister is asking about a funeral because she is looking for inheritance. She is trying to see if Mom is on death’s door .
My sister complained I was wasting her inheritance when I placed my mother. Your sister may be like that too .