My husband (71) has been bipolar all his life and now that he has Alzheimer’s his behavior has become much worse. He snaps at me for no reason and then criticizes me for things that didn’t even happen. It continues for hours and sometimes for days, at times he becomes violent. My problem is that I don’t know what to do when this happens. I’m afraid that any move I make may irritate him more. Not knowing how to react when this happens I get scared and freeze while he continues to badger me.
Which is the best way for me to respond when I receive his verbal abuse? Should I agree with him and tell him I was wrong? Should I apologize for something that never happened? Should I pamper him? Should I not make any moves and just let him continue criticizing and insulting? I heard it was best not to argue and try to correct things, so I try to stay away from doing so. But what CAN I do I calm him and stop his violence?
I can’t go away since I fear leaving him home alone, especially when he’s angry. I hired for assistance last year but it did no good. In front of other people my husband is a different person like Jekly & Hyde. I got some free time when I hired, but what I need to know is how I handle his outbursts when there is no one to help me? What are the best way to respond and the best thing to do when he flares up in order to help his anger go away?
if the meds don’t work, then it’s time to find him professional nursing home care, to protect yourself because your life matters too.
it’s much easier to visit anger then to live with it.
unusual behaviour. It’s hard to put someone in a nursing home but it’s for your protection as well as theirs.
If he's getting violent, you're going to get hurt. Might be time to start looking for placement and when things get out of hand, call an ambulance to get him to hospital. Much easier to release to facility from hospital than it is from home. People, who will help write placement eval, tend to think as long as he's at home he is safe, taken care of, etc and not an urgent matter to deal with.
Step outside to call the ambulance so he does not hear you talking and really get angry and hurt you before help can arrive.
If he's getting violent, you're going to get hurt. Might be time to start looking for placement and when things get out of hand, call an ambulance to get him to hospital. Much easier to release to facility from hospital than it is from home. People, who will help write placement eval, tend to think as long as he's at home he is safe, taken care of, etc and not an urgent matter to deal with.
You don’t deserve to be abused. It’s hard to deprogram ourselves when we are stuck in one gear, but it’s imperative that you try.
Perhaps you can benefit from contacting a battered women’s group, these women have been emotionally and physically abused and have lived in terror.
There are others who were once stuck because of various tactics used by abusers to trap a person. It’s mind control, a form of brainwashing.
None of these women got out of their situations without bearing scars. We can live with scars.
We may not survive continual wounds. Please reach out to a social worker that has helped people like you.
Wishing you nothing but the best and hoping that you will have peace and joy after this is all behind you. You deserve to be happy.
Abuse is abuse no matter what source it comes from, it feels the same to the person taking the abuse. I’ve been where you are. The first time in my husband’s early days of the disease he choked me and apologized profusely and said it would never happen again. But as time went on it did happened again. Not on a daily basis, but enough for me to know to be careful. As his disease progressed he would at times become more aggressive. I learned to be agreeable, smile, don’t challenge or debate, apologize, etc. I then decided I did not want to live out the rest of my life like this, so I developed an exit plan the next time this aggression and abuse occurred. I decided to keep my car keys on me at all times (even at my beside). The last time he became aggressive was a bad day for him. I could see it coming. He had defecated on himself and refused to change, snarled at me all day. I knew this was going to be it for me. Not only did I have to take on all the responsibility for him, my home and lastly myself, I now am being told that I have to learn and add to all this responsibility how to manage abusive behavior, incontinence and defecation. I think not. So this time during his aggression I was loving, gentle, apologized, smiled so he would not continue to escalate, and as I smiled, I edged close to my garage, opened the door, jumped in my car, locked my doors, drove down the street and called 911 and he has been in a facility ever since. It was a hard decision because I love him so much, but it was best for him and me. I had a loving marriage of 50+ years but I refused to continue to sacrifice myself in the name of love. I no longer walk on egg shelves, sleep with one eye open, smile when all else fails etc. It’s been 3 months now since he was admitted to the Nursing home and the meds seem to be working and I thank God I was able to get out and let the professionals deal with where his disease is now. I wish you the best of luck and my prayers are with you. Take care of yourself.
Your statement indicates that your husband has control of his behavior. If he did NOT have full control, he couldn't have pulled off a "Jekyl & Hyde". He'd be either Jekyl all of the time or Hyde all of the time, but he wouldn't be capable of pulling off both in order to fool other people.
The very best advice for you is to make some sort of arrangements, if you can, and LEAVE. Lots of women in your situation have stayed, hoping to assuage the anger and end up brutally beaten or dead.
You'll never be able to assuage your husband's anger because that's part of the game for him. He WANTS to bully and belittle. It won't get better, it will only get worse.
Do you have any friends or family? Money or assets separate from his that would help you make a clean break? There are always women's shelters and they may be able to assist you.
But, paramount to all else, if you should decide to leave and make plans to do so, you can NEVER tell him because that's when most abusers turn deadly. If you you're not in a position to properly plan an exit, call the police and explain, ask them for an escort out of the house and to a woman's shelter. Again, don't tell your husband, obviously, that you've called the police. Just wait and let them get there, then make your exit.
Good luck.
In the short-term, the best strategy is to do your best to IGNORE his angry outbursts and walk away when the occur, as they are not about you - but all about the disease process.
As others have mentioned, you need to keep a documented "log" of his behaviors.
Your husband is becoming a danger to others - and may need to be placed into a facility where they know how to "manage" his behaviors.
PLEASE get professional help for him. He needs to be in a facility where he can hopefully be brought under control. I wish you the best. Take care of YOU! Someone else will take care of him.
When the cops arrive, give them a copy of your diaries and videotape and have the police take him to an acute care mental health receiving facility. Then refuse to take him home under any circumstances and have the tapes and diaries ready to back you up.
Hire an attorney, if necessary, to protect your right to safety in your own home. If necessary, have him charged with a crime, especially if he hits you.
Stop trying to figure it how to manage his abusive behavior or continue taking his abuse. Your husband sounds much more like a chronic batterer than anything else. These kinds of behaviors don’t spring from nowhere. If he can control his behavior in the presence of others, he has a personality disorder in addition to his other diagnoses.
The situation you describe is hopeless. Get your life back any way you can. A man, even a very sick man, can only treat you this way if you let them.
My wife is bipolar and Narcissistic . We have been married for over 36 years and she has been on meds for 35 of those years. It seems as though every 36 to 42 months her meds have to be adjusted, increased, and/or changed. We are currently going through this right now due to her anger and crying spells.
I don't see whether or not you husband is being treated for his bipolar with meds and counseling. I know without a doubt that my wife and I would not have been married 5 years had it not been for treatment for her. I have had to go to every appointment with her as she will either clam-up of lie. When she clams up, I speak for her and when she lies, I delicately say "Honey, you must have forgotten about....."
I am the one that has recommended ALL of her med changes over the years as I am the one who lives with her.
If she were to become violent with me, I would have no choice but to have her admitted to in patient psychiatric care ( We have a 17 YO learning disabled son)
I hope you are able to come up with answers that fit your needs, but the direst need to to protect yourself from violence!
You sound very loving. My brother had to divorce his wife that had bipolar. He had back surgery and she pushed him out of the bed immediately after coming home from the hospital because she was in a manic state.
The doctor told my brother that it wasn’t safe to stay with her and she could have done serious damage to his back. She started abusing him years before that but men don’t speak about abuse with others.
It took him awhile to tell the family what was going on. She would constantly hit him with her high heel shoes and other objects. She would attack him while he was sleeping.
He would never hit her back. He wasn’t violent. He felt he had no other choice than to leave her because she refused to take her meds. She committed herself but as soon as she got out of the hospital she would go off her meds again.
She did many bizarre things. One time a man attempted to mug her in a parking lot. She chased the man down and beat him up with her purse! LOL Most people would hand over their purse in hopes of not being hurt or killed.
She got cancer and told everyone that she wouldn’t die because she was too mean to die! She beat stage four cancer, had her breasts removed, had reconstruction and started dating again. She was a long time smoker and ended up dying from lung cancer.
This is mental illness! Mental illness is unpredictable! There is no way to sugar-coat that fact! For those of you hear who have dealt with it in terms of "just keep calm and they will become calm themselves" - well, good for you, I'm glad you were fortunate enough that it worked out that way. But you are seriously rolling the dice to continue in that behavior. But that is YOUR choice, to keep yourself in danger...and to encourage this poor woman, who has already dealt with violence from her husband, to handle her husband that way - that's so incredibly irresponsible! What will your advice to her be if he seriously injures her? That it was her fault, she wasn't "calm" or "loving" enough toward him and that drove him to violence?
If you want to have a debate on the pros and cons of nursing homes, anti-psychotic medication, etc. then please do so to your heart's content in a separate thread. This woman is looking for real advice, not looking for someone to see her situation through rose-colored glasses, telling her how lucky she is to be able to take care of her violent, unpredictable husband.
I’m in homecare and this story is not so uncommon.
You definitely need professional help. I like a few of the responses to notify his physicians of the behavior. The doctors’ will need to see the behavior to treat it medically. Perhaps, they can do a home visit to see your husband in the home and perhaps catch the behavior then.
Also, if you can afford it, you may want to hire a homecare agency to give you time away from the home. Plus, they can note the behaviors and help you with providing documented behaviors. Most licensed home care agencies have protocols to document the behavior for treatment or for Adult Protective Service.
Not to mention, it’s nice to have a caregiver in the home to help redirect some of his attention.
Most importantly, protect yourself. If he becomes upset remain calm, if you need to leave the home, then excuse yourself, and get somewhere safe. If you need to call 911 then call them.
During the calm moments, make sure you safety proof your home. Putting sharp things away. Please, if you have weapons in the house, you may want to consider removing them immediately. (Homecare will not work unless the home is safe.)
Also, do you have family or a friend to talk to? Let someone into your circle of trust. It’s healthy to vent and you have person who can help guide you when you can’t make heads or tails of the situation.
Take care and Stay Inspired
If he becomes a danger to you you must leave the area he is in, You can go to another room, close and lock the door if you have to .
Then you call 911 and explain the situation that you are in danger, you fear for your safety.
Please tell the dispatcher that the person has Dementia and is Bi-Polar. Also if there are any weapons on the property inform them. (Better safe than sorry if there are any either get rid of them or lock them up)
Keep kitchen knives locked up as well.
Talk to your husbands doctor about his behavior there are medications that can help.
Begin to think about placing him in Memory Care. This may become a daunting task as many are reluctant to accept a resident that has a history of violence.
You need to protect yourself. I have a friend in one of my support groups her husband had been diagnosed with LBD (Lewy Body Dementia) and she now has debilitating back problems from the times he shoved her up against a wall and the final came when she woke up when he had one hand wrapped around her neck and was holding a kitchen knife in the other....
As to how to respond. Whatever works. If nothing works say noting and leave the room. You can never win an argument with someone that has dementia, adding a mental illness into the mix compounds that.
Please stay safe!!
By the way if he is a Veteran please contact the VA they can be of great help dealing with mental illness and violence issues.
Please find some help for yourself and your husband. Call 911 if he becomes violent and leave the immediate area. Please keep yourself safe. That is what you CAN do. You cannot reason with someone with someone with dementia. You cannot help him if you don’t take care of yourself first.