MamaBearlyThere Asked October 3, 2024
How much do I share with uninvolved siblings?
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When all of this started, I wanted to be completely transparent. But now I am exhausted and I realize that the burden is not equally shared with my sisters. (I make all decisions for my mother who has dementia and my father who has “denial”). I am their DPoA and Trustee. My mother left me in charge years ago. Is it bad to stop sharing information with my sisters? For example: I will text them about mom’s latest fall or hospitalization and they text back okay, but have you scheduled a dental appointment for dad? Do I need to communicate with them any further? I’m so sick of having to meet their demands too. If they really want to know about our parents, shouldn’t they text/call me?
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My brother never calls or texts me to get an update, never visits her. He will call her once in awhile. I no longer waste my time worrying about letting him know anything or asking for his opinion. I don't care and completely over him and his lack of interest or help. He'll be lucky to get a call or a text if something major happens or even worse, when she passes. His lack of care or concern speaks volumes. I wouldn't waste your time worrying about updating your sisters if they cannot express any concern or offer help.
FYI - it is never even, no matter what you or other sibling does. Find a way to take care of yourself while caring for your loved one. Try to find peace in the role you play and not focus on what others do or neglect to do.
With all that you do, I can't believe this is something you are worrying about.
Stop worrying. Maybe you can put out a monthly (or quarterly) update in a group email or text. But don't do it if you don't have the time and energy!
In fact, you could delegate tasks to any family individuals who seem particularly interested in being involved. For instance, when someone asks if you've made a dental appointment for dad, invite them to take charge of that.
Try and see their perspective. They may want to be more involved, or feel guilty, and not know how to help. The next time a sibling asks, give them a task!
It could be something very simple, like picking up the mail, or spending an hour with mom, or driving to an appointment, giving you a break!
Just think of something in advance, so the next time anyone offers assistance, you have a job lined up for them!
And if the siblings seem unwilling to help, just remember they don't have to.
That's right. They don't have to. We all make our own decisions/choices in life,
and their decision may not mirror yours. They may wonder why you are knocking yourself out trying to do so much.
A nursing home placement is always an acceptable alternative.
Asking us if you 'need to communication with them any further' and 'tired of their demands' - you are GIVING YOUR PERSONAL POWER away.
What do I mean by that?
Ask yourself (and perhaps your sisters ...)
What responsibility are you taking on (helping me) to deal with the care of our parents?
Why is all this responsibility placed on me?
I need help: What will you do from this time forward to support me to care for OUR parents? How can you help me to manage the care needs and responsibilities I took on such as:
1) financial support
2) financial contributions so I can hire caregivers / assistant as I deem needed.
3) We need to have a 'sit down' heart-to-heart family meeting to go over these needs. Please let me know when you are available.
I would appreciate it if you actively reach out to me to ascertain what I am doing - how I am doing - and asking how our parents are doing.
Your understanding - and support - of me and the energy and time I expend on taking on this immense responsibility would be deeply appreciated. Do you know what I am going through on a day-to-day basis. I want to share this with you how feel and hope that you are open to having a family meeting to discuss it all.
This is what I would share with them, however it feels right to you.
Firstly, you need to feel more confident in yourself (and deserving of THEIR active role, whatever that may be).
Do not be afraid to tell them how you feel ...
"I am exhausted ...
... do you know what its like when mom xxx and
... when Dad does xxx? (Be specific so they get the picture).
If you do not believe you deserve more from them, they will not provide any support other than reminding you to make DDS appts and respond with 'okay.'
Stand up for yourself. If I were in your position, I would reflect on my part in how this was set up - as it is - own your part in all this as well as hold them responsible, TOO.
Tell them you need their assistance and exactly what you need and want from them.
Finally, ask yourself why you feel a need to be concerned with the questions you ask us here about them. You seem to tippy-toe around them ... fear their response ... afraid to hurt their feelings (???) Are you intimated by them and if you are, therapy will help you learn to feel better about yourself and learn that it is not only OKAY to assert yourself, it is critically important to do so. Value yourself. Appreciate yourself and all you are doing.
Gena / Touch Matters
Believe me, I have asked that they do more. I have also made very specific requests—such as, “mom has a Dr appt on this date. Could you please take her?” Or “Mom needs more sweatpants, Dad needs underwear, could you pick some up?” They always make some excuse or tell me that the facility should attend to my parents’ needs.
I have tried repeatedly to further our communication via “family meetings” —always initiated by me—and I’ve never benefited from them, always the contrary, something else is added to my list of chores.
My kids encouraged me to seek therapy, which I did, and it has helped tremendously in my relationship with my demanding dad. But there has been little progress made in my relationships with my sisters, especially my youngest sister. Our relationship has been troubled in the past, long before all this happened with mom and dad. She lived with my parents at the time, and mom took her side in the argument between us. There was a long siege, a Christmas where I was not welcome, and then silence.
Fast forward to today, when so much has happened to change my parents, and I’ve been ignored by her most of this year.
It just hurts. It’s sad and painful, and really hard not to take personally. Especially when both sisters know I had cancer surgery just over a year ago.
My husband says not to expect to be close to my sisters again until after both my parents pass. I’m thinking that too much damage has been done. I guess I just need to focus on the good stuff, and be grateful for a loving partner and my two kids who love and respect me. Like everyone says, I suppose I should stop worrying about what my sisters think and admit and accept that they will never really support me in this endeavor. It is hard to get over this-but not impossible. (Sigh).
They aren’t going to starve to death living in AL and MC. The facility has coffee and likely wine too … if dad wants those things he needs to figure out how to get them. You’re enabling him to behave like an entitled teenager.
Step back. With them living in MC and AL, you’re willingly allowing yourself and your husband to be treated this way. When Dad gets angry .. “ok, Dad, I’m going to go. Why don’t you call me when you calm down.” And then really do it. Keep walking. Take a break. Watch what happens - my bet is he’ll figure a few things out in between the ranting.
Your sisters can call your dad if they want to know how he is. Why do you need to be in the middle?
Lastly, as POA, unless there is unlimited money, can’t you put a limit on how much he’s gambling? How does he get more money? Do you bring it to him? How about reporting him to the DMV or his doctor on the driving. That’s another train wreck waiting to happen …
Or just ignore the text .
Limit what you share to just the “ big events “, like the big decline . This is what I ended up doing .
I stopped sharing when one sister literally laughed on the phone and told me she was glad I was stuck taking care of Mom and Dad instead of her , then proceeded to tell me she was a “ lady of leisure “ and tell me about her previous and next trip . This sister would demand updates every night when Dad was dying . I had set up a phone chain . That wasn’t good enough for her . I told her I’m not her employee, I don’t have to personally call her .
My brother asked me to keep him posted about my father when he was given 6-9 months to live with cancer . The doctors thought that some chemo would only give him a little extra time MAYBE, but Dad wanted to try .
When I called my brother back with good news after scan results revealed that my father ended up having what the doctor called a miracle result from chemo and immuno therapy and radiation , Cancer had shrunk and was dormant , Some tumors were gone ………
My brother’s response was “ Well that’s not what you told me the last time , thanks for being such an alarmist ! “.
Dad lived 6 more years. My poor father hung on and hung on his last 3 months after the cancer “ woke up with a vengeance “ my brother finally came to visit . Dad died two days later .
When my mother had her stroke , I called my brother to inform him . I never asked him to come . But he said he could not come because the last time he and his wife boarded the dog , it got kennel cough . I said nothing . But I was thinking , he’s a big boy , he could drive 200 miles by himself and leave the dog home with his wife .
Ignore their BS.
I would say your words "uninvolved siblings" keep it that way and let them get involved or be uninformed.
It’s been several years since MIL passed and many of the scars have faded between the sisters but some will remain forever. I think you’re on the right track when you say these behaviors are rooted in guilt but also childhood jealousy and competition. Chances are this dynamic is so ancient and deeply rooted in DNA there is nothing you can do to make it better, but there is probably a lot you can do to make it worse if you’re not careful.
My only (weak) suggestion would be to try to redefine your role in your own mind as a professional caregiver to an elderly couple rather than as daughter and sibling, and to correspond with your sisters like a hired caregiver would. I really don’t know if that’s possible and it isn’t going to fix THEM, but I think it’s the only way to protect YOU.
1) Have you given the impression that you are in complete control? That they have to ask you for information? They are acting as if that’s what they think.
2) Do you have something ready to ask them to do? If they ask you ‘have you done ….?”, do you have something to ask them for? ‘Have you done – will you do….?’. It’s a better answer than you feeling like you have to explain. Clearly they don’t think they have to offer anything!
I understand how unpleasant and unfair this all seems to you, but I wonder how it got like that in the first place. It sounds as though M dropped you in it, and you let her. It might have seemed like a compliment in the beginning, but the gloss has definitely worn off. What you could do to change the way the interchanges work?
—Moved my parents into a beautiful facility five minutes away from my youngest sister’s home—at her request, for her convenience. Meanwhile my sister took on no further responsibility, visits infrequently, and ignores my dad’s phone calls. Her attitude is “let the facility do everything” because “that’s what they are paid to do.” She also has told me (angrily) that her experience with my parents has been exactly the same as mine, her sacrifices, inconveniences, etc. That I haven’t done anything for them that she hasn’t done.
—Set up 3 Zoom mtgs to discuss my parents’ care with both my sisters. My middle sister lives 3 hours away, and visits about 3x a year. Youngest sister multi-tasked the whole time.
—Filled out long-term care insurance claim with the help of my middle sister and got that approved to help pay for my mom’s care.
—set up numerous dr appts and asked my youngest sister to take them. She would agree, then cancel at the last minute. This happened several times.
—-asked my youngest sister to recommend a dentist for dad since she lives in the same city. She refused (probably because she knew she’d have to take him).
—requested that both sisters purchase clothing items for mom and dad for birthdays and Christmas, no such gifts were given.
—listen to dad make excuses for both sisters—they work, they are busy, they have kids, they shouldn’t have to pay, since you have the money, etc.
—tried to initiate a phone call schedule where we each took certain days of the week to answer my dad’s angry calls. That fell apart too.
—asked both sisters to call my dad at least weekly. When I visit he says he hasn’t heard from them.
I read your bio which was very helpful. You have done a massive amount of work for your parents.
Given that your two siblings simply dump more work on you when you kindly keep them informed then I would cut way back on the messaging.
I would only share with them very major status changes. Things like: a fall, treatment for a UTI, med change, progression of dementia etc, are all pretty routine. I would not say anything about these type of items that are common for those under care.
Since siblings have done "0" care. I would not ask input for anything. It appears siblings assign you more work with each interaction.
If it becomes time to enroll either Mom or Dad in hospice. I would not ask siblings. I'd simply say "Parents doctor says it is time to enroll parent in hospice so I've initiated the process."
MamaBear said "No, my husband (also POA and Trustee) and I have not shared any financial info with my sisters. But they are listed in the will/trust. After their deaths, if there is anything left, my parents wanted it divided equally among the three daughters. Now, I don't think there will be anything left, but it is hard to accept that I am left alone doing the lion's share of the work, and having all the hard conversations, and making all the horrible decisions. I do think they resent me in some weird way. Did I mention that they will be celebrating Thanksgiving together with their families, and I and my family haven't been invited?"
I know the above is incredibly painful. I had the same dynamics with my sister. I think she was angry that she was not the POA. She did not visit Mom in 6 years.
Now that both Mom and Dad are in facilities if there is anyway possible you, your husband and your daughters can take a break? Even if it is just a weekend camping? Your family has been through a lot and it appears your husband and daughters have been great support.
Or maybe the 4 of you go out to dinner and turn off the phone? Or take a weeks vacation?
I have one brother who lives on the other side of the country. I update him if and when I feel like it and generally tell him minimal info. I did give him more details when my dad was nearing his end as I felt like he deserved to know that. My brother rarely contacts me. Though he does thank me for updating him when I do. I would be quite pissed if he voiced or implied any criticism of my care for either parent given that I do 99.9% of it. Thankfully he has not.
I read your bio and sheesh, my overwhelming thought is you need to give yourself a break and cut yourself some slack. Something has got to give. You are carrying a tremendous load and the last thing you should worry about is their unhelpful comments.
best wishes to you!
As POA you do not discuss finances with them. You also do not need to discuss medical. Thats between u, the parent and the doctor. I would stop giving them info. If they call, make it short and sweet. If they want a rundown, tell them your just too tired.
And guess what - he didn’t back me up! In fact he told me later that he was a bit hurt I didn’t override his wishes and blab it all over the universe!
So I guess you could ask your parents what kind of information they want disclosed and to whom, but don’t be surprised if you get your ears bit off for doing what they say.
Boy you have paid your dues and then some. I was just reading your bio.
You know there is such a thing as resigning your POA. I don’t really see you doing that but thought I would remind you.
It is not bad to stop sharing but I wonder which will be worse, they don’t even notice or they complain when you don’t? Vs the coming back with more jobs for you to do??
You know the thing is, it really doesn’t matter. What I would wish for you is that you put that chore of filling them in at the very bottom of your list. It’s not an “A” activity.
Shift your focus.
When you feel the impulse to communicate with siblings reconsider. Send your daughters a cherry greeting instead. Or leave your DH a love note. For each of these three who have given of their precious time with you, I would save my communication energy.
Let the others ask. Answer as you see fit. If you want to enjoy a dark thought about it, switch the contact info for dad’s dental appointments to the one who is concerned. Then, when they call, say something like “You have always been so thoughtful to remember dad’s appointments, I knew you would want to see that he was able to continue them.” If you got push back about their schedule, you would just say “That’s always been the great thing about Dr Dentist, he will work with you.” And then “Oh I checked, they will send the bill to me”. If you really want to send the sib into a spin “Well, if you can’t pick this up, I’m afraid he is done with dental appointments”.
I sure hope you aren’t giving them an accounting of the folks assets. It is none of their business.
But do think about hiring help from the parent’s funds to take care of any chores. A POA is meant for decisions. Not chores.
This caregiving of your parents is far from over and the hits are cumulative. Each “event” takes its toll on the caregiver. Not just the elder.
Your job is to take care of YOU. And that is at the top of the “A” list.
Big hugs.
You are POA so you can make decisions as you see fit.
Beatty is right...you are sorta darned if you do, darned if you don't.
Is there a way to have a family meeting and ask them how they would like you to communicate, what they want communicated and how often. If a meeting is not possible a group text or email.
There is a process you could use. Called Caring Bridge it can help communications
https://www.caringbridge.org
As to POA and Trustee, that is something that is not their business and I know/hope that you know that you are not supposed to share private financial information with ANYONE else, including siblings. If you don't know that, see an attorney (your POA/Trustee pays for that expert advice) and learn about that, then return to tell them "I am so sorry; I just found out that I should not be discussing private financial info with you". They can google all that themselves if they wish to.
I don't know who all is involved here. You might consider this; it is what I did because I didn't want to/nor have time to talk with everyone about everything especially in early years of being POA/Trustee and caregiving, placing, attending medical with my brother. I did a computer update that went out to certain specific people: His ex partner, his best friend, my own daughter, etc. It had a sort of brief daily diary. Such as "Dee feeling positive; says not happy about diagnosis but happy to know there's a reason for what he's feeling. Saw attorney and all paperwork done. Looking at a few ALFs next week; will let you know how that goes. No other news. All take care."
I hate phones. Everyone knows that of me. This worked real well. I ignored meaningless question and just got on with day or answered the next.
Good luck.
Not one of those ingrates ever thanked me for or acknowledged my cheerful, positive progress reports. In fact, later it was reported to me that this was "controlling." So I'm through. Let them dangle. If they care so much, they'd be there cutting up their food, pushing them around in the wheelchair, and cheering when they manage to walk a few steps without falling down. Control THAT, I say!
Unless they ask you , a friendly text, like hey how's mom been, or maybe a text saying, her when you get Dad's dental appointment, let me know I'll bring him.
If you get none of that then don't bother with them at all.
Update & risk getting nitpicked ("Have you..? Why don't you..")
VS
Don't update & be accused
("Why didn't you tell me?")
Is there a compromise somehow?
Send a super short message for important stuff & elaborate only if asked to?
So quit adding more to your already full plate, and let your siblings reach out if they want to.
BUT when you don't want to, then no need. Do what works for you.
"If they really want to know about our parents, shouldn’t they text/call me?" Exactly this right here.
Of course it isn’t bad to stop sharing what should be your parents’ private information anyway. When you give them something to use against you, they’re going to use it. Many families are like this.
You have the power. Don’t give it away.