My mom lives alone in an apartment. We have hospice coming in but she is getting so bad she can't even get out of bed. I work and Hospice doesn't have enough services to look out for her several times a day. She doesn't want to go into a nursing home and I can't make her. There is no POA.
First, God bless you. Your question peaked my attention and so did the answers. What a wonderful website this is.
My husband (10 years of Alzheimer's) should also be in a nursing home. He refuses to budge. He had his 3 month check-up last week and this is what his doctor advised. 1. Contact social services. All hospitals have social service counselors that can advise proper steps and procedures for dementia and Alzheimer patients. In many cases, they can also provide contacts for in-home care. 2. The best alternative if nursing homes can be avoided, is keeping your loved one at home as long as possible. The cost is much more economical and the patient much more comfortable in familiar surroundings. 3. The Department on Aging is a wonderful resource for guidance. A day care center is great for temporary respite for the caregiver, however, your mother's condition would not be an option since she is bedridden. Also, call Medicare, your health insurance provider, even your church to see if they provide some type of pastoral care to watch your mom for a few hours a week. Unfortunately Tamiame, as caregivers, we must reach out for help which involves countless hours of time and resources. It's much more difficult than mere words and suggestions. Be persistent and don't give up. Be good to yourself and never feel self-centered or preoccupied when asking for help. That's a killer. I know. It almost put me in my grave. It still may. The doctor told me, even though I am in excellent physical health, I will, in all probability backed by statistical reports, die before my husband. Why? Stress and worry kill most caregivers. Learn to unwrap the bondage paper and tape caring for your mom 24/7. Learn to accept the fact that you have a life, you are meaningful with purpose, walk away and take breaks whether that is at work, long walks, talking to a friend, shopping---whatever you enjoy doing to remove yourself mentally and physically from the situation. Caregivers are the most under-valued and least appreciated of anyone I know---a hidden and forgotten group that saves the health industry millions of dollars annually caring for those no one can, or will help. It's up to us to assume responsibility for our own well-being. And, Tamiame, there will probably come a time when the only remaining decision will be to put your mom in a place cared for by professionals. Never look back. It's God telling you...it's time to walk away...you did all you could.
Whatever you do, try not to quit. Guess you could use all of your vacation days and sick days, but then what? If your company has FMLA [family & medical leave act] then you could take 3 months non-paid leave and your company would need to hold your job for you. But then what after the 3 months?
Most elders do not want to go into a nursing home especially if the elder is over 80 years old... back when their parents and grandparents had to leave home for higher care, the places were asylums, pretty scary places. Elders don't realize that today's nursing homes are so much better. But if she want to spend her final days at home, then you need to follow her wishes. But she needs to hire people.
I've sometimes considered that family caregivers could actually be doing a disservice to their parent. If a parent was in AL, then they would have incentive to get up and dressed. There would be people their own age about. They wouldn't be sitting in their pajamas in front of a TV all day long, waiting for God.
I do wish these places were more affordable. It is a question that I wish someone would ask the presidential candidates. They talk about war and healthcare, but no one asks about the problems of aging.
I respectfully disagree. I am just about at this point with my mom. The sole caregiver. No one else except paid helpers in her home. I know if/when I get to this point, I will have NO guilt about an outside placement. I believe God has a life plan for each of us. Personally, I don't believe that for me it is "to sacrifice my life" for my 90-year-old mom, for whom I already have sacrificed many years of my life - basically she wouldn't probably still be here if it wasn't for my sacrifice. As has been said many times, every situation is unique and the solution is rarely clearcut, black and white. I would never advocate sacrificing your life for another unless it is throwing yourself in front of a car to save the life of a child about to be run over or some such thing. Just my opinion.
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