Hi, I'm new to all of this. I am 1 of 5 adult kids. Dad is wheelchair bound. Mom has dementia. 2 of my siblings do absolutely nothing to help our parents. They call like every other month probably to make themselves feel better. I'm a bit bitter can you tell? I have a brother with arthritis who visits nearly every day to keep mom and dad company, but he's unable to physically help. My sister works all day but does come in at night to help get dad to bed. I am the only one physically able to help during the days. I am responsible to get Dad out of bed, cleaned up from wet clothes (diaper), to the restroom, into wheelchair and set up for breakfast. I do have my nephew, daughter or husband to help with getting up. When I leave, he will call a few hours later to transfer to his recliner. Then he'll call a while after that to use the restroom. This happens several times a day. He'll have "the urge" (heehee) I do laundry for mom and make lunch/dinners. On nice days I will take dad out to sit on the front porch because he's always been an outdoor man. I feel like my whole life now is all about my parents. I am blessed to have them, but it’s overwhelming. I go to the grocery and get a call before I'm finished shopping. I run to Target and get a call as I walk in. I can't go very far if I go anywhere. I will be caring for my 3 grandchildren (all under 4) next month and don't know how I'm going to take care of parents and grands! I cannot put them in a home, they do not want that. They took care of me so I feel guilty even thinking of a home. I don't really know what my question is... I think I feel better just sharing this with someone who understands. Thanks for listening.
You have just begun your journey so yeah you probably do feel guilty. So did I. Just wait until you are at this for years. You will begin to see things differently. Your resentment and your husband's resentment will begin to set in. It is just how it goes.
Advice -- Make sure your parents have their legal affairs in order. Encourage them to consider other options other than being propped up by their children so they can live "independently." Spend their money to get the best help you can find. Even with getting good caregivers in, the live in situation will not be sustainable over the long term, especially for two people. My mother who passed two weeks ago and my father were in a nursing home for the last year. It simply was not possible to keep them home any longer.
Good luck to you. I hope you get through it better than I did.
Because it has become so.
Without reasonable *boundaries* this is what can happen.
The person with high needs, needs their care needs met. They can become self-absorbed, lose empathy for others, even loved family. Lose ability to recognise family members as SEPARATE people with their own separate needs & lives.
Like how babies have many needs. They just cannot understand Mother or Father must leave to go to work, attend other children, have other responsibilities. They just want what they want. It takes the parent to arrange the babycare but also to ensure the parent's own needs are met.
This may be where you are now.
You & your siblings will need to be the responsible adults making the reasonable & responsible decisions for your folks (if they cannot do so for themselves).
The GUIDE model is designed to provide comprehensive coordinated care for individuals with dementia, integrating medical and social services to improve their quality of life. This model recognizes the complex needs of dementia patients and emphasizes personalized care plans, which include regular assessments, care coordination, and support services tailored to individual needs.
Key Components of the GUIDE Model:
1. Personalized Care Plans. Each participant receives a tailored care plan based on their specific health and social needs. This plan is regularly reviewed and updated.
2. Care Coordination. The model promotes seamless coordination among healthcare providers, social services and community resources to ensure comprehensive care. This includes regular communication between primary care physicians, specialists and support services.
3. Support for Caregivers. The GUIDE model offers resources and support to those caring for individuals with dementia. This includes training, respite care, and access to support groups.
4. Integration of Services. By bringing together medical and social services, the GUIDE model aims to address both the clinical and non clinical needs of dementia patients.
For more information about the GUIDE model and how it might benefit you or your loved ones, visit the CMS website (CMS.gov) or contact your healthcare provider.
You can't keep doing this with out it effecting your mental health, which in turns will effect your physical health.
When you are older and in there shape, do you want to put your children though this? I think not, so why are you doing this to yourself?
Guilt? What did you do wrong? You didn't ask to be born.
You say you "feel like your whole life is taking care of your parents" it IS.
This is not healthy for you, your immediate family, and your family. This is not sustainable with out repercussions.
Of course your parents don't want to go into a home. Why would they when they have you to do everything.
You did not make your parents old! You deserve a life! Your husband, kids and grandchildren deserve all of you.
I hope all that wasn't to harsh , I don't mean to be , I just know a little of what you are going through, and I don't want people to make my mistakes
Or
WHY does one person do it all?
Q1. Why are YOU doing all this?
Q2. What are your OWN reasons?
Q3. Who ELSE can help?
I'd love to chat about it. Just open up the discussion - OK?
They don’t WANT a home . Do they have funds to hire homecare to come in ?
Or are they refusing that as well and only want family to help ?
Parents are required to take care of their children. Adult children are not required to take care of elderly parents . Your parents had their whole life to figure out their old age care . Apparently it was you !!
I’m assuming here that Dad does not have dementia since you didn’t mention it .
This situation is not sustainable , your parents will only decline more .
Be honest , “ Dad your and Moms care needs are more than I can provide . You need to come up with a plan to hire the help you need or find a care home to live . “ I realize being in a wheelchair he may need help figuring this out .
Put it in his lap, because this is where it belongs . You are propping up a false independence for them in their home .
No one person can do it all . You can not make your siblings help either .
They may not want a to go to a care home but they NEED one if living at home is not working . They think it’s working because you are doing everything .
Caregiving is on the caregivers terms as far as how much they want/ can do .