My husband smoked heavily and deliberately neglected his diabetes ( everyone tried to get him to deal with it ) . He was a workaholic and we mainly lead separate lives . and 2 months ago he had an accident and broke his leg. I became caregiver that night , he became seriously ill then as his diabetes caused issues. He now has neuropathy, osteoporosis, high cholesterol , diabetes is starting to improve . He has lost teeth due to dental hygiene neglect . I hand him all his meds , take him to every appointment and cook him every morsel. He wants me waiting hand and foot and for now I am due to his break . I am so angry with him for not looking after his health . I have told him I am angry but he just cries and gets depressed so now I say nothing . I know he will get moving again but his osteoporosis is severe and there is a huge risk factor .
We are not yet 60 but I feel right now like a daughter looking after her dad . I did care for my , my dad and recent years my mother in law who had cancer so it’s not new but I honestly thought I could get on with some life now for a while . I know I sound selfish
Yes, you still love your husband and it is okay to blow off steam. Yes, you can be angry at a sick person. I'm widowed and married my third husband later in life. I got mad as well. I wasn't so much angry at him, but at the fact that I knew our time together was being cut short. Yes, I was angry. He was diagnosed with cancer and it wasn't fair. We were only married for three years before he died but total time together almost nine years. He came into my daughter's life and my grandson's life at a very crucial time. I met him through my daughter.
It was a hard three years with some respite. We were able to travel at times. If I had to do it over again, I would do it. I grieved for three years straight.
Diabetes can be due to genetics and lifestyle. I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes. I'm older now and I know when I go back to the doctor in a month, I'm going to get a stern talking to. One thing about diabetes, you never know which way things are going to go with it. You learn to manage it through diet and exercise.
Smoking can cause tooth loss and other problems. Your husband will have to take one step at a time. His situation is self-neglect.
For your mental health, you can speak with a pastor or priest at your church. Since you have been married for quite a number of years, I don't think getting a divorce will be the best option and will only add more stress to your situation.
A good therapist is a must to help you deal with your anger and resentment.
I refer to Elizabeth Kubler Ross and the stages of dealing with acute and chronic illnesses. Even though she was the pioneer on identifying the five stages of death and dying, most illnesses and emotions of both the sick person and the family members go through emotional cycles. Sickness is full of challenges. Put yourself in your husband's shoes. His health is shot, and he knows it. Now, if he is stubborn sick that is another story, but either way, emotions can be managed. Whoever wrote those marriage vows were writing from reality. Pull them up online and meditate on the words of them. They are written in order from youth to old. Sometimes experiences and deaths come prematurely and some couples don't make it to old age, but those vows still apply.
I was talking to my minister neice after my husband had passed. I told her that the main objective of marriage is to help us to grow spiritually. We bring our baggage from our family of origin, but the real work takes place in these marriages. In couples counseling, the therapist looks at a couple's family of origin and having something to identify. You may not feel the growth immediately, but it will eventually come to fruition even years later. I had grief therapy after my husband died, and I did not accept what I learned in therapy until last year six years later.
As far as having a perfect marriage, I'm sorry to tell you this, but that only happens on television or in the story books. There will be sickness and ill health especially as we get older.
Take the advice for making your life easier such as diabetic prepared meals, home care services to help with appointments. Go get your hair and nails done while the aide is in the home. If you have hobbies, work on them. As for waiting on your husband hand and foot, set some boundaries. It has to work for the caregiver or it doesn't work at all. It sounds like you need some tweaking so you can free up your days to enjoy life more.
The first step is calming your nerves. People on these boards and other platforms cannot decide what course of action. Follow your own gut.
Yes, take advantage of any respite you can. Do something for yourself, I bet your husband would want you to. A healthy you helps him also
you last paragraph is particularly uncalled for .
to all the other really supportive posters who actually read what I was asking for I thank you .
I was a Planning Commissioner for 2 years,so I'm big on long range planning.
Cities crumble without it. Do some serious planning of your own. Divide your finances, select your POAs, make sure Trusts and similar documents get done NOW.
It's also hard to adjust. Don't do so much for him, to keep the resentment level down. I was overwhelmed and hopeless, and hate that feeling. Get some HomeCare people coming in to help you.
Make "I Will Survive" your theme song. I wish you luck.
You are NOT selfish to be angry about this. You deserve to put yourself first. You think you “know he will get moving again”, but it seems very doubtful that he will be even remotely ‘well’. If he can’t work again, what are you going to live on?
I’d really suggest that you consider applying to separate your finances now, so that you can keep at least a bit rather than have it all spent on him. This is not divorce, and it is commonly done when one partner is going to need a lot of expensive health care. When their share of the finances has been spent, they can apply for Medicaid. After that, see how you feel about him. In your shoes, I would certainly be considering divorce. That way you have some chance of living the rest of your life as an “outgoing happy person who loves meeting friends, reading & travel” – to quote your profile.
Now HE is probably thinking what a giant pita it is to have to take care of ME for 16 months now. Sigh. The tables have turned and his gig is way, way longer and more involved than my gigs with him ever were.
Its what love does. Sure we gripe and complain sometimes, rightly so, and we don't call ourselves selfish for doing so, either. It's hard and it sucks. And the fear and the worries just permeate everything to the point where we question WHY? Why ME? It's life on life's terms, I guess.
I thought retirement was going to be a time to relax and travel, not be struck down with serious mobility problems from cancer treatments. Or worrying about DHs memory issues from too much anesthesia, or if he'll be here next month to drive my sorry self around since I cannot. Or if I'LL be around next month to keep him on track and yada yada.
So we just need to take things one day at a time and focus on the NOW, which is all we have anyway. The future isn't guaranteed to any of us. I pray your DH recovers well, that he gets on antidepressants to help YOU cope with HIM and the crying, etc. And that the 2 of you can forge a good life together moving forward, without "just" caregiving ahead. Because it's hard.
Best of luck to both of you.
thank you for your prayers and good wishes
Yes, you are legally married but you don’t have a true relationship.
I like Zippyy’s idea of speaking with a therapist. I hope you will find a solution to this misery.
Wishing you all the best.
By not taking care of his diabetes prior, he may already have done damage to his body. My GF was a juvenile diabetic. Even though she took care of it, in her 50s she had bad heart attack. By 60 she had a leg amputation by 63 her kidneys gave out and she passed.
I would be angry too.
Although I really don't like throwing around the "d" word (divorce), he needs to know this may be the consequence, and sooner rather than later. Or maybe a trial separation until he proves he is willing to do what it takes to take better care of himself.
You didn't cause any of this and you cannot fix him. All you can do is make decisions for yourself, and that's why talking to an objective therapist may help.
If your husband is depressed he should consider meds for this as this would be the "easier" thing to deal of all his current issues and may help him to move forward in taking responsibility for himself.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you sort through things and make decisions!
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