Mom had a lot happen in last year, kidney removal due to a mass, gallbladder removal, then she let herself go completely in a matter of 3 months she wound up on dialysis after being in full kidney failure. I found out she has a fantasy relationship with a Nigerian scammer who is catfishing her and she is sending money, she knows the truth but is still sending money, she lies all the time, tells me one thing and siblings another. Then she made up stories about me keeping her prisoner and hostage and want to keep her off the phone and facebook. She was seeing people in her house before she got really sick. But she remembers other things clearly, things from 50-60 years ago. She figures out how to download new chat apps to keep up her fantasy relationship and download zelle app to send him money. She's back living at home alone and I don't know how to help her. I was so stressed that I backed off and told my siblings I can't do it all anymore. Is any of this a sign of cognitive decline or is mom just depressed and desperate? She does say weird things sometimes and she will get mad when I don't know what she is talking about.
You should see an Elderly Lawyer about getting POAs and what needs to be done with Medicaid rules if mom has any assets. Start asking mom what she wants as far as what is her medical plans. For example, my mother had a feeding tube after she had a major surgery in 2012 for something unrelated, however, she has made it clear that she doesn't want a feeding tube and because she has had 19 surgeries and beat cancer 3 times she has opted-out for anymore surgeries and cancer treatments (if her cancers come back), which I understand. Sorry to say, you must start getting her and your ducks in a row. Like us here you will have to figure out just how much care you will provide your mom. How much of your life are you willing to give up? Start planning! This site and the people here are a God send; I wish I would have found it a year sooner it would have saved me much heart aches, time, and money. When I first found this place I read everything I could and I was able to get my mother Dx with vascular dementia, unfortunately, my mother's finances were already a mess, which now I am in the process of cleaning that mess up. No one ever wants their LO Dx with Alz/dementia. But it is what it is, so we do the best we can. You can always come here for answers or to vent or just read the posts. Some how this forum makes you feel like your not alone.
Moreover, depression and anxiety can company with dementia.
Good luck.
Was the kidney mass analyzed?
I know this is all just tooooo much.
I think we would all agree though it hasn’t been said.
Dont try to discuss this with mom. It’s more stress and won’t help. She doesn’t sound able to comprehend.
Make an appointment with a certified elder attorney well experienced in Medicaid law in your state. You need the legal authority to act for your mom. She will either have to sign to give you or a siblng authority while she still can or you will need to file for guardianship.
Just tonight there was 95 yr old former director of the FBI (or was it CIA) targeted for financial abuse. Even after the scanner found out who he was they threatened to kill his wife if he didn’t do as they demanded.
Your mom is not alone. Imposters call pretending to be from Microsoft or Apple or the IRS and pretend to be someone helpful. Don’t answer the phone from anyone you don’t know was the advice. Don’t open an email from strangers. Don’t respond to pop ups. Elders are targeted because they have money.
Take her to a neurologist for testing. It does sound like she has the beginnings of dementia. I’m sorry to say that. I have seen the tv shows where elderly women have been catfished by Nigerians and they don’t seem to have dementia, just terribly lonely.
But your mom’s health issues would make the sanest among us want to escape into one fantasy or another.
There are several types of dementia. Some are as you describe. One day there and the next day, not so much.
I am sorry you are so overwhelmed. Dig deep and get your mom’s situated looked into.
It’s not likely to get better on its on.
Your Mom is doing more than “losing it a bit”. Since you see her every day, you may become a little conditioned to her behavior, but it’s not normal. She needs to be seen by a doctor.
And as a side note - I get stressed just thinking about how these scammers are able to attack and take advantage of the vulnerable. They come at them from all sides phone calls, email, facebook, text, even knocking on the door to sell "services". It seems that something needs to be done to prevent it! I spend a lot of time fighting off scammers from my 90 year old mother and I have an autistic brother whom they try to get. I want to start a crusade against scammers!
You don't need to do anything that you can't handle!
But, your family needs to step it up & help.!!
You should however make the money giving stop because it's so wrong & she is going to need her money . Break that computer. I don't know how, take battery out, or go to settings * click do you need password to log on* click yes* & make one.
These stories just burn me up...
We all need help when our parents get old. Both my parents got I'll, at the same time. It took 9 siblings for us to get thru it. We divided up tasks. Health, wealth,
Ccaregivers, elder law, TO POA,
& eventual death. Bury both. 2 funerals, a will, sale of delapitated home, remodel, ($60k) taxes...
It's a long road.
Goodluck.
She COULD very well be depressed and lonely. But as the saying goes, how many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer-NONE, the lightbulb must want to change.
If she has the money, is able to pay her own bills and rent etc. then she can do whatever the heck she wants to do with her own spending money, like it or lump it. Bye bye inheritance. And some parents are mean that way. But if she is putting the roof over her head and grocery money at risk, DCF needs to be called. IF she is having some internet fantasy relationship-which is actually rather normal for older folks who just can't or don't want to do the real deal anymore, then that can actually be a good thing. Healthy. Sounds like she is not just putting a check in the mail to some email that says I will give you a million rubies if you send me a wire transfer for $1995.00. Sound more like she hooked up with someone in a chat room, a game, a dating site etc. And if she did, that's really her own business. If you have the emails, PRINT THEM and get proof-bank statements that she is paying someone in nigera. THEN you have a case to go to the police etc. Otherwise, it's her life to ruin.
And do keep this in mind, after an elder, or any of us has surgery with anesthesia, are on pain pills, etc. for a period of time, there is a bit of lasting confusion and fogginess and forgetfulness.
This should be the first thing, so you are not having to add additional responsibilities to your already busy schedule.
My dad is the exact same way, if he doesn't look, it's not really there. He too gets taken advantage of by unethical scum bags. Yet those of us that care and want to help with his wellbeing are always the bad guy. It is beyond exhausting when our parent makes an already hard situation as hard as they possibly can. Hugs to you.
I would advocate for a brain scan based on behavioral issues, remembering 50 to 60 years ago is absolutely common with Alzheimer's, they actually regress to infancy. This is not a sign that all is well. Everything you say about her behavior is loss of executive function and that is dementia in a nutshell.
Can you apply to be her representative payee from social security? This will stop her from having any access to her ss pmt. I was advised to do that and I didn't want to take that away from him, i was worried about his feelings. Dumbo me. But we learn and share.
If I was in your situation I would have a family meeting without mom and get all siblings on the same page, you may have to ,for lack of a better term, strong arm the situation to protect her and yourselves. If she needs Medicaid at some point all this money gifted to her fantasy boyfriend may put you all on the hook to caregive for the duration of the penalty period. None of us wants to say, sorry mom what you want means zero, you have needs and that is what we have to focus on. Raising high h3ll or not doesn't change that. Tough love but sometimes there is no other option.
Can you find out if she can attend a cancer survivor group or something that gives her interactions without being on the Nigerian scam site? Anything to occupy her and entertain her that is not web based would be good.
You can do this, it will be one of the hardest things you will ever be faced with, but you can do it!
Hugs and strength to you.
It can be hard to believe what you see. Thing is, what you are seeing, probably isn't even the worst of it. She may actually believe all of that stuff she's saying. And remembering 60 years ago, well, that's kind of normal. My mother knew her SS even as she seemed not to be able to tell the difference between me and my father later the same day.
Anyways, you've got a problem, but then you knew that, I think.
Good luck!
Fear: it will confirm one of two things 1. Mom has cognitive decline and future care and needs will be a long tough road for all of us 2. She’s well aware of what she’s doing and making a conscious choice, and doesn’t really care about our relationship. I’m not excited about either one of those
thanks everyone for the responses, it’s given me a lot to think about. Especially appreciate the hugs and well wishes.
I did read through your posts and mostly skimmed the various responses, but just your title says it all for me - dementia. When living alone, sometimes the very early signs are missed. This was the case for our mother. I first noticed it during phone calls - repetition. Short term memory is the first to go, but long term memories do stick around, and your post indicates that as well. Also, many people in the early stages can muster up enough to appear "normal", especially to those who don't know them or see them often.
Mom's parents passed long ago (~40 yrs for her mother, maybe 56 for her father.) About 9 months after we finally moved her to MC, she asked me to drop her off at her mother's place on my way home (took care of things as best we could to try to keep her in her home, but it reached a point that this was not good for her.) She still believes now (over a year later) that her mother is alive and asks to go there, call her, wonders what she is doing on major holidays, etc. She hasn't mentioned her father to me, but staff member did indicate she has talked of him as if he is also still alive. So noting someone has clear long term memories can be deceptive. Dementia patients regress over time.
In your case, the various surgeries have not helped, as they can contribute to some mental confusion in elders, which sometimes abates some, maybe not completely, but usually returns to some normalcy. If she hasn't been caring for herself, that will take a toll as well. It has been long enough since the surgeries and it also sounds like she was having issues before the surgeries as well. Having some "delusions", including about you or others interfering, and lying are also signs. Accusations too - mom would be unable to locate items and accused others of stealing them.
Suggestions next (not enough characters left!)
I would take whatever steps you can ASAP to protect her and her assets. She should not be living alone.
An Elder Care attorney can determine if you can still get POA or have to get guardianship. If mom has assets, they CAN be used to cover these costs. Signing up as rep payee for SS is also a way to prevent her sending money to whoever. NOTE: she will receive mail about this from SS, so if you can divert her mail to a PO box beforehand, that would help - I did this from my own local PO, but also already had POA set up years before. Also, the best method is contact your local SS office and set up an appointment - you do NOT need POA or attorney to do this! The mail forwarding is temporary for up to a year - you would have to contact each billing/banking place to change the address officially.
Prior to gaining any control over her, her finances, etc, is there any way the bank might listen to you, if you show what she has been doing (the texts, or have them review the account, etc.)? Have her cards replaced with a new number?
FREEZE her credit (may need that POA, but the good news is this is now FREE for all of us!) You will have to do this at each of the three credit bureaus, but since she has given out her SS, someone can rack up all kinds of new credit in her name! IF you know her SS, technically it is not legit for you to do it online, but it isn't like YOU are trying to scam her! Sooner is better than later. You can also while there request her credit reports (hopefully set up PO/forwarding first!) NOTE also that this will NOT prevent charges on existing accounts - that has to be handled separately. Again, we were fortunate that two of us had POA AND were on her primary account - made life much simpler - still a lot to do, but fewer roadblocks!
I am not techie enough, but perhaps you can enlist help to put restrictions on her cell phone/computer - I know there are child protection add-ons that can be used. Never needed them myself, so either find someone who is techie enough or someone here on this site might be able to advise you. There are SO many robo-calls, to both cell and home phones, that too many people get scammed and someone with dementia is even MORE vulnerable! Not sure if there is a way to "protect" a home phone, other than perhaps use call forwarding to your phone.
"She does say weird things sometimes and she will get mad when I don't know what she is talking about." Again, another possible sign... best thing you can do is NOT contradict her, agree as best you can (hard when you don't even know what she is saying!) and do NOT take any negative things she says to you to heart - this is not her talking, it is the dementia. She is now living in a different reality, so you just have to "join" her there and get along as best you can.
IF there is any way to work with her primary doctor, I would get her out of that house and into the hospital for protection - some have said in other posts that they can be put in psych ward for testing and potential medication (it won't cure dementia, but some meds can alleviate some of the symptoms that arise.) At the least she would be better off in a Memory Care place, probably a NH since she needs dialysis - again, safety first and protecting assets! She may balk at that, so the doctor/hospital route might be best, then you would have medical backup for moving her to a place, not returning to home. This would prevent her from coming to harm and stop the money drain!
You also mentioned a recent scan shows potential recurrence of the cancer elsewhere - is there a treatment plan and/or prognosis?
Final note - your siblings seem to be trying to stay out of all this. You can try to enlist their help, but understand that if they balk or refuse, it isn't worth trying to make them help. Some work together, others do not. At this point I cannot even get my local brother to even respond to a text message! It may be up to you to handle what needs to be done.