How do you deal with being treated like a horrible person when you are busting your butt for someone who can't take care of themselves?

Where is your husband/wife in all this?

First, understand that this is normal behaviour in a person suffering from Dementia. You can no longer reason with them. They process much slower and can't comprehend. If she was this way before, Dementia tends to make it worse. Think of her as a small child. She can no longer appreciate or show empathy. Her brain is broken, as some members call it, me I say its dying. She will never be happy. Don't feed into her demands.

She doesn't have to go anywhere. You have already found she is not happy anywhere she is. So don't worry about moving her anywhere else until her Dementia gets to the point she needs more care than an AL can give or the money runs out. Then Medicaid can be applied for.

If MIL is in an AL, then I assume you haven't been able to visit. Some members have seen this as a blessing. Its given them time to take a breath. You may need to just step back. If your visits seem to get her going, then don't go. Does she have a phone? Are you the only one she calls? At this point, since no one can visit I wouldn't take it away since its her lifeline. But if the calls she makes are just to complain to everyone, I would lose it when the Facilities reopen. Make sure you tell the staff you took it. You can ignore her calls. Let them go to VM. I use "Do not Disturb" on my phone. Only way I can set it up to only allow calls and texts from my contact list. I would take MIL off my CL. The call will go to VM and you can deal with her when in the mood. Or block her and you don't know she even called. Then you call her maybe 1x a day to see how she is and what she needs. When she gets started, just tell her time to go and hang up. There is no more trying to "condition" them or make them understand.

YOU WILL NEVER MAKE HER HAPPY! You have to come to this conclusion and stop trying to. And that is OK. Its OK to say I can't do this any more. The ball is now in your court.

I feel sad for your MIL having a stroke, but her behavior is not ok. It is difficult losing ones independence, maybe she is angry not at you, but the circumstances. Try talking to her and explain you are doing your best and would like to continue, but you need more cooperation and less complaining. Wow you are a good DIL, some would not do what you are doing. Has your MIL always been this way or is it her illness the stroke and dementia? Are there any other family members involved? Maybe a consult with her primary doctor is in order. She may need a medication to calm her. You are certainly not a horrible person in the least. She is so fortunate to have you and if things do not turn around, I would search for a decent facility near you. Your health is at risk from all the stress and turmoil.

Walk away. There is a reason other family members have walked and you should too.

You are not responsible for her.

If she is in your home, put her back into care.

Where is your husband in all this?

Where is her son?

You are one good DIL to put up with this behavior.

I have a similar MIL (age 90) and until the last 5 years, her health has been pretty good. Last year she had a small stroke which lead to a fall--and about 8 weeks in the hospital and then a rehab center. Her usual 'not very nice' personality intensified to the point she simply screams at people when they aren't doing what she wants. DH and his sister insist she doesn't have any level of dementia, but I totally disagree. BUT, I am not considered part of the family, so my voice is not wanted nor heard.

Sadly, I have had to step away from ANY kind of care for her. She 'divorced me'--told me (screamed at me) to get OUT of her house and never ever come back. This was about 5-6 months ago--I have not seen nor spoken to her since, and don't plan to.

She is NOT your problem, kind as you are to care. You cannot fix someone so toxically ill, mentally. I tried for 43 years. And I never got through.

You should not be putting your own sense of well being in jeopardy for her, or for that matter, for anyone. I feel so much better, emotionally since the 'divorce'. DH is furious with me, but I don't get why. All I ever did was be nice to her and suffer her verbal abuse w/o lashing back or standing up for myself.

The next health scare will wind up with MIL being in a NH, something she has fought her kids on forever. I will not help her move and I will not go see her in the NH.

You aren't giving us enough info--like, where is her son in all this? Why do you feel so obligated to help someone who obviously doesn't care? IF this were a new behavior, yes, I'd chalk it up to aging and be much more compassionate--but if she has always been this way--she will not likely change.

Come back with more details--and take a break from her. Isn't she isolating right now due to COVID? There is ALWAYS a place for elderly folks to go. It just may not make her happy.

Let your husband take care of her. It’s his Mother, not yours.

"My mother-in-law had a stroke in February and is unable to care for herself". 

Three issues I want to touch on.

Stroke. It is a brain injury. Damage can be seen if arm & leg now weak/paralyzed but often hidden damage to thinking & emotional responses. Accepting MIL has a brain injury will help you.

MIL's feelings. She has suffered a health crises, will be overwhelmed, suffering grief over the loss of her former life, loss of freedom & choices. This is awful for her. But her feelings are hers - you cannot fix them for her. She has the right to cry, yell, demand. But you have the right to end your visit at that time. Simply state 'I'll visit again when you are feeling better'.

Unable to care for herself. Then her options are to move home & pay & arrange a timetable of aides or move into a care facility. Funds & level of care will dictate the real options available to her.

MIL will hopefully have a Geriatrician in her team to arrange what care she needs, medically & hopefully councelling too.

You can be a wonderful support as a family member, a loving visitor. Unless you are (or become) her legal Guardian, that is where I see your role.

Your profile says she's in Assisted Living. Let them assist with her living instead of doing it yourself. It's right there in the name. Just ignore her if she whinges or cries about trivial nonsense.

It is okay to tell her to stop, telling her that she is behaving inappropriately and unacceptably and to walk away or hang up if she doesn't stop being nasty.

Sometimes we just need to be verbally strong in our response to verbal abuse and manipulation.

Come back tomorrow and respond in the same way every single time that she gets ugly.

When you come back try behaving as though all is well and yesterday is forgotten. If she doesn't then you can say that you will be back later and hopefully she will think about what the truth really is. Maybe stay away a little longer to let her really see what she is destroying by being unreasonable.

What was the diagnosis of the stroke, did it destroy critical thinking areas, self control or emotional areas?

Sometimes love has to do and say very tough things, that is okay as long as you remember to give hugs and kisses and reaffirm your love for them.

She is blessed to have you as a friend and an in law.

Remember to take care of you and only give her what you can, not what she demands.

One thing that I’ve learned since my mothers illness and death is that they’re not going to be happy with their situation. No matter what anyone does, it’s no fun getting old and unable to take care of theirselves. There’s no point in making yourself crazy with guilt about it.
My mom was a sweet woman who loved her independence, so it was devastating to her when she couldn’t do the things she was used to doing. Honestly, it was devastating to me as well. However, no matter what any of us did, it just wasn’t fixable.
Let yourselfoff the hook and walk away when you need to, your health and well-being is important too.

Block her number and stop responding to your MIL's complaints. She is fine yet, has established a pattern of needing constant attention. Withdraw that attention, tell the spouse, your MIL will be contacting the spouse, from that point forward. No explanation is needed, just ghost the MIL, she is inside a facility that is capable of meeting her needs.

Think 'small child', not mother in law and treat the unreasonable demands, tantrums and lack of gratitude in the same way - firmly and kindly with as much patience that you can muster. It is awful when older people regress like this. Try not to take it personally and share the burden! Good luck!

Juse take a break from her for a week. When she sees you are not coming, she will sober up real quick.

My sister is POA and Caregiver of Dad now. She is Experiencing the Same thging..Cries and feels unappreciated and unloved. I tel her he has some demmentia and has got hard nose as he grew older and now--More Bolder. Hang in there, Angel, She is old too. Ignore her.

As selfish as it sounds, you have to take care of yourself. Set boundaries physically, emotionally, and mentally. Know your boundaries well and when you feel like they are close to being infringed on, step away.
Use the input from other family members and health professionals to strengthen your cause as you give care. You are being drawn into unnecessary drama. This is more of a mental game that will never have a winner. Choose not to go there.
Start doing things for yourself. Show everyone in your life that you can and will have purpose and passion that serve your interests.
I have the background of being a physical therapist for 35 years and a partial caregiver for my parents. There were many joyous times as well as the heartbreaking ones. But the constant about caregiving is that it is a lot of work and can be overwhelming.
So again, take care of yourself. You are worth it and if you have nothing to give, no one will thrive.
The best to you, your mother-in-law, and your family.

She may have been a difficult personality before her stroke. For some people, a stroke affects their decision-making abilities and/or their emotional levels. It seems your MIL has had both of these abilities damaged by her stroke. So, she ends up having a low threshhold for frustration and lashes out. It is not about you or the care she receives; it is about her brain damage. Sadly, nothing will ever be good enough short of an act of God to change her personality.

So, consider that her coping levels have become that of a younger child. Deal with her from that perspective - low threshhold for being told "no" or to wait or to get whatever she wants. Like younger children, she throws a temper tantrum when the frustration gets to be too much. Talk to her doctor about medications that might calm her anxiety. Talk with staff about creating a consistent routine, so MIL has the routine to rely on. When you visit, have really low expectations and focus the conversations on whatever positives you can. Bring her things that still delight her. Whatever you do, just don't take her negativity personally.

You may never be able to reason with your mother, who is acting like a "baby." But you do have control over how you feel and how you react to her. You have to set your own boundaries. You are also entitled to a life, and you do not have to dedicate 200% to your mother and her problems. Think of what kind of a person you want to be in regards to your mother. You sound like a very responsible person and very loving. Be kind when you are with her and try to have a good time with her when you visit. But you don't have to put your own life completely on hold while you make sure that your mother's needs are met at her senior facility.

OO how I fo sympathize. I am 86 and I hope in perfect health. My formerly beautifol , intelligent, and charming daughter is only 65.She has changed to a bitter, resentful, irritable, demanding, crying person. I believe age has nothing to do with it. I believe prescribed so called medicines have slowly destroyed her once beautiful mind.I wish i knew what to do with and fo demented people that we loved when they were themselves.I do know how to prevent dementia for most people. I take no meds. I threw away prescriptions for both lipitor and thiazide when I was 62.That is why I am so healthy.Please do not worry nor blame youself. You are right to not allow your ill loved one to live with you. Just vist her and treat her lovingly and do not get upset when she does not appreciate you and or cries. Just, with God's help, live your own happy healthy life and never take any statin, strong diuretic, nor so called antidepressant. God bless you

Hirshy posted three days ago and hasn't been back, so I'm not sure it's worth responding, but just in case.

These are the difficulties she lists her MIL as having:

age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, diabetes, incontinence, mobility problems, stroke, and urinary tract infection.

So, what expectations is it fair and reasonable to have of a 76 year old person who is living with all of those?

A bit of appreciation would be nice, sure. Slightly more reasonable and realistic expectations of what can be done for her, too, wouldn't hurt. But the *aim* of helping this lady, whether it's her son or her DIL or both who take it on, is to get her accommodated and try to ensure she's getting the best support. You're not doing it for thanks or smiles or compliments, you're doing it because it needs doing.

And, it's voluntary. You are free to walk away if it's too much (I'm not saying that ironically, I mean you are free to walk away - no one can be forced to care).

We get all sorts. We go from one house where a tiny little old lady feels guilty because she can't care for her severely disabled husband 24/7, and she dashes about fetching and carrying for us, and won't stop apologising, and thanks us just for turning up; to the next house where the client makes a formal complaint to our service because we made her coffee with cold milk instead of hot (I'm not joking).

This MIL is ill. The effects on a person's personality of stroke and long-term diabetes are well-documented (and not good). The OP does not have to help her, can step away without a stain on her character if she feels she must, doesn't even have to have a reason. But if you're going to pick a reason for walking away, don't make it behaviour that the person you intended to help can't help.

I know how difficult it is when you are emotionally connected with the person you're looking after. Accusations hurt when they come from someone you're supposed to know and love. But those accusations and complaints are an expression of how ill and unhappy she is feeling, they do not express her sincere opinion of you. Try to sympathise with the feelings and filter out the words.

Medicaid...get her on it now and into a LCF.

This really sounds and feels very familiar. I am my mother's whipping post and a relative gave me some good advice, give her a chance to miss you. Don't be so available! You do not have to take every call right away. Limit your days caregiving and maybe schedule time that other family members can cover. My mother and my husband's aunt have changed their tunes and now are more appreciative. You do not have to continue to accept abuse especially when it is affecting your health. You deserve time off.

Maybe I've overlooked it, but I didn't see anything regarding the behaviour of the MIL BEFORE the stroke--was she a pleasant person or a nasty narcissist? I would tend be more patient in the case of the former than I would for the latter.

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I do understand as I am on a similar rollercoaster with my mom who has dementia and is declining rapidly. Sharing some thoughts and what I have learned along the way that may help you in some way.

Realize that the person who is being cared for cannot help themselves and so they are lashing out at you and the world. They are in significant physical and/or emotional pain and have endured SO many losses... of health, wellness, independence, loss of friends and family members, perhaps loss of living at home, and mainly the loss of the ability to be in control of their circumstances (independence), and SO much more.

Some have physical OR memory issues or other brain diseases and are acting out of how the disease has changed their bodily functions and their reactions to their circumstances.

And now they are angry and tired of it all. So they start lashing out at you and everyone and everything, without regard for your or others feelings (no filter). But, believe it or not, way down deep they are truly VERY fearful and frightened inwardly, regardless of what they say or how they act outwardly.

As caregivers, we cannot change them or how they feel. But we CAN change OUR perspective and how WE react and deal with them and the situation. It is a choice and a labor of love. It takes time and work to learn how to change our thinking and to KNOW and believe that we are doing the best that we can to protect not only them but also ourselves and our feelings, no matter how they react or what they say or do.

I am hopeful that you can find a qualified professional counselor or pastor to help you talk through all this and navigate through your feelings in the situation.

It is also helpful if you have a close friend or two you can meet with and go to lunch or dinner or just meet for coffee on occasion. Share stories, laugh, just talk about other things or shop, etc. just do something else for a while to get your mind off it all. It can help reduce some of your stress.

There is also a great book “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend that is a handbook on how to set boundaries for yourself and others and learn how to think and react differently to protect yourself first so you can truly help others.

What has always helped me the most is to pray and read the Bible daily, to understand that God is in control and loved me AND my mom. He knows my struggles and I know He is working in this situation. I am learning to how to pray for my mother daily and truly love her as Christ loves me, no matter how she reacts or what she does. I look for the good He is doing regardless of what it looks like on the surface - the little “wins” every day.

Mom took care of me and raised me for all those years as I was growing and loved me when I was unlovely and difficult and rebellious as a child.

Mom also was a dedicated caregiver for her mom and dad, my dad’s mom and also my dad for over 25 years when they were all going through similar circumstances as they aged.

I know it is now my turn to learn how to love her unconditionally, despite of the disease that causes her to lash out, and to help her as best I can through this final phase of her life.

My prayer is that you will begin to find true peace and a different perspective to be able to best deal with the difficult days and times.

No matter what she was like before she is now like a 2 year old, only not as cute. I hope that I never get like that. Try not to listen to that stuff she says. I am thinking earplugs or headphones. All you can do is try to she that she is taken care of in a proper place. I am sure you have done that. Then do something really selfish. Take yourself on a vacation to a health spa and get massages and fun/healthy stuff. Do whatever makes you feel good. Try to forget about her when you don't have to see her. People in that state need to complain. It drives everyone away. Too much is made of responsiblity to relatives. Why have so many people, now old, never given any thought to saving for their old age or getting long term care insurance? They put the squeeze on family. It isn't fair. Even worse is the damage they do to the health and well being of those who are forced to take care of them.

Hirshy,

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Your MIL may have always been a malcontent and miserable in whatever circumstance she found herself in, but her stroke has sealed the deal: her cognition is permanently damaged. Oh, she may have times when she seems "better" and not so hostile, but basically you're stuck with a toxic attitude. These ingrates thrive on making everyone else as miserable as they are. Everyone in your family seems to be on the same page: no one wants to be around her. And for good reason.

You're tired of dropping everything, trying to please and appease, to no avail. Nothing is good enough, etc. Your best defense is establishing and keeping boundaries: Find a safe place that will meet her needs. Don't worry about the wants too much: that 's a bottomless vortex that will never be satisfied. Then back off. Waaaaaay off. Visit to make sure your MIL is being cared for properly, but not too much, because your visits will become an outlet for her complaints. I can assure you she won't like any placement you make for her. Stay off the merry-go-round of moving her from place to place in hopes she'll finally find a place she'll accept. She won't. The only justification for moving her is if she's not being cared for properly and compassionately. If she calls you excessively or the calls become too long and/or toxic, block them. Holidays like Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.? If she ruins family gatherings with her toxicity, don't include her. Most Assisted Living and Memory Care facilities have holiday festivities for their residents.

I probably sound callous but I'm not; just finally came to terms with the reality that I can't change others, only myself. That certain people are miserable because they choose misery rather than happiness or contentment. I've also learned you can't fix a broken brain. That "Love" doesn't include ruining your own life in a misguided attempt to "make" someone else happy. Trust me: you can't make these people happy anyway. The pursuit is a never-ending descent into hell.

Oh, and that includes people who criticize how you care for your MIL. Don't explain, just do what you know to be right and ignore them.

Maintain your boundaries. Preserve your health by directing your energy toward positive people. Allow yourself time to heal, treat yourself with loving kindness and you will! (((Hugs)))

You can apply for Medicaid & get MIL placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility asap. Some people can't be pleased no matter WHAT you do, so stop trying. Placing her in a SNF gets others to deal with her instead of you. You can go visit any time and bring her small gifts and a big smile. At this point, that's all you CAN do.

You can get all sorts of advice about praying, about doing for her what she did for your DH when he was little, about turning the other cheek, about this that and the other thing. But the bottom line is this: What will it take to make YOU happy and to take YOUR life back?

That is the question that needs addressing by both yourself and your MILs son. Then make your decision accordingly. Having a stroke and the associated cognitive decline that comes with it is no joke. Most people cannot handle in-home care with JUST that medical situation alone. Never mind the added behavioral difficulties she is exhibiting...........that makes it a horse of another color.

If Dh is against placing his mother in a SNF, ask him what he plans to do if/when YOU have a big health issue associated with the chronic stress you are suffering at the hands of his mother? Then what?

NOW is the time to make the hard decisions. Not when YOU are in the hospital suffering the repercussions of a selfish, narcissistic woman who should have been placed in a SNF back in February.

Good luck!

My mother diagnosed with LBD dementia last year. She was always a positive, upbeat person and now has moody days such as you describe. But not every day is like that. What was your mother's personality pre-stroke? What is her age? Can meds help her mood? Also, have you checked for UTI? They can make seniors miserable in attitude.

Strokes lead to dementia. Just do the right thing and look for where the county sends people. Be that POA and get her a buy out of Soc Sec... get her to the county assisted living facility. Eventually all will become "acceptable" when she enters "decline"--- then she will become more accustomed to being "cared for"... Good luck, God bless.

I am so sorry this is happening to you and through a lifetime of experiences, I have seen this over and over again. There is one thing I have learned - the HARD WAY - when you have someone like this in your life and they are having such a horrible negative effect on YOU, WHY ARE YOU ALLOWING IT? This woman is going to get worse and obviously for whatever reason, your husband is not helping to do anything about this. Now you must be strong and tell her first that her behavior is going to stop immediately or there will be severe consequences. She won't stop so now you do what should have been done long ago - you break any relationship with her (let your husband do what he wants but you steer clear) and work on placing her into a facility to be cared for or get caretakers. All of you MUST WALK AWAY BEFORE SHE DESTROYS YOU. DON'T WAIT.

Imho, no human being can be forced to provide care for someone. It seems as though your MIL may have more ailments than what is listed on the top of your post. I would really be concerned with an Alzheimer's dx.

Hirshy, how are things going? Have you started implementing boundaries?

I hope that you have received advice that is helpful to your situation.

Let us know if you will, we do so enjoy hearing how situations improve when boundaries are set and enforced.