Dear all,
My dear dad is in hospital at the moment, he had a few falls last week his postural hypotension likely cause. He had stumble yesterday. They are checking his heart as they picked up something (I think maybe irregular heartbeat) we are waiting for an MRI (since beginning of feb) as they have found some decline through CT. SW and Nurse lead (he was in respite) suggest he has dementia, last hospital stay suggested vascular dementia. SW has suggested longer term care at the home.
DH and I talked to Mum about dementia yesterday and she said I can’t cope with going there at the moment.
How do you cope with it all? I’ve woken up this morning and just feel heartbroken. My dad is so sad and it feels like he’s at the point of losing any remaining mobility.
I'm trying to get an MRI done whilst he’s in. My DH doesn’t know what to say anymore, he says he’s in the best place they are doing everything they can. I’m just falling apart; which is no good for anyone. What do you do to keep going?
You are falling apart. And this is the critical issue. You can not fall apart or else you add more to the load that your DH has to bear.
So how do you keep going, you ask? If I were in your situation, I would take many deep breaths, and tell myself that things are what they are, and I don't have the power to change, and the more I try the more stressed I will be. So it's best to accept things as they are. Go with the flow, instead of against it.
Your dad is speeding down the incline toward dementia. There isn't anything you can do. Of course, he's sad. It's only natural and logical to be sad when he's losing himself. Empathize with his sadness but don't take it on as your own. Be a companion for him as he travels towards the end of his life journey, but know that it's his journey, not yours.
Rely on the professionals to guide you on what to do. You do not have to carry this burden. The professionals are not emotionally involved, so they can be objective. Depend on them.
Those are my recommendations. Take deep breaths, that helps lower your blood pressure, and helps you think more clearly. Take care.
With my own 92-yr old mother (and even for myself) I try to put it in perspective: she lived a good, long life which many people do not get to have. Everyone passes, many all by themselves but my mom lives next door to me and she got to be involved with her 3 grandsons daily all those years. She is still driving and has a dog. Etc. Recently she has been having health and cognitive issues, but I have been expecting it. You just keep the goal for them to feel loved, protected, and helped. Many people enter their very senior years not ever having worked on coming to peace with their own inevitable decline and death. It's even harder for adult children if you've never really experienced loss of a LO.
Polarbear gave good advice. Try to keep your dad's mind on good things, like shared memories and things in his life that were and still are a blessing. This will help you as well. May you receive peace in your heart on this journey with them!
at the start (end of October) I thought I could fix it, but I know I can’t.
he is speeding polar bear and i guess I keep trying new thoughts that might help fix something but I think I’m beginning to realise I can’t. This is happening. Mum says take a day at a time that’s all we can do. And in that respect and your advice I guess she’s right. I’ll deep breath my pants off. And your are right I have to respect and understand that this is his journey
geaton your mum sounds amazing and I will remind myself that with my dad, he’s 88 and he’s been such a big part of my son life. I’ve never experienced loss like this. Whilst I’m not an attendee I have been drawn to visiting my local church; maybe that’s what I need to do. I will remind him of our many good times.
thank you so much xxxxxxx
You can't do it all by yourself(try as you might)and will not only need God, but support from family and friends as well.
Please make sure that you're taking care of yourself during all this, or you will be the next one needing to be cared for.
It will all work out as it should, and you may have to continue to be your fathers advocate, which you can do. Just take some deep breaths and carry on with what needs to be done. You can do it!!!
God bless you.
Try to slow down. You know there are problems. The irregular heart beat may be atrial fib. More than 15% of the population has this and I have had it for 25 years now. At 80 it is my chronic rhythm. People can live well with it. My partner has it; has a pacemaker, has been fine for decades.
Take one thing at a time.
Your Mom may not want to "go there" now but that isn't a request you made. You ARE there. So now it is "Mom, We ARE there. It isn't a matter of what we want;the unknown is worse than the known. Dad's in hospital. Let's get a diagnosis so we at least know where we are at. This isn't about choice. This is about reality".
Slowly, step by step, on you go. You will have decisions. Denial won't help.
Allow yourself to fall apart. Ask your OWN MD for something mild to help on bad days or on nights you can't sleep. It helped me a lot in the crisis times for my brother.
wishing you the best.
you are right alva; this is beginning. Until now things felt they had fixes (uti and enlarged prostate, catheter helped) and I have been obsessed with outcomes. “We are there” really makes sense, thank you. And thanks too re the heart advice, 25 years - I hope your heart stays healthy xxx I will too with my own doctor, she said a while ago it’s only going to get worse.
funkygrandma I will, I’ve found myself having a few more conversations recently with Him. being advocate is important. There’s a comfort in it working out as it should
thank you both so so much xx
your map advice feels good x