My father has Dementia and lives alone. My sister, her husband and myself all have POA. His doctor says he needs to be placed in a memory care facility. We have kept him at home as long as possible. We don't live in the same city as dad. And have tried hard to take care of him. But at this point he's way beyond us taking care of him.
Once we have everything in place, how do we actually get dad to the facility? He will not get in the car and go with us, he will refuse, he will physically fight us. Do we have to go to the sheriff 's office and have them pick him up and take him?. He has already threaten if we try to remove him from his home he will disappear. He is home bound and can't drive. (I have his car keys). But he may just take off walking somewhere. He has gotten lost twice already.
We are at wits end on how to proceed with physically getting him there. And him not hurting anyone.
What are our options?
I finally received the letter staying he needs to be placed in memory care. Now we just have to get his property sold so we can place him.
It's funny the SC police said they would help us. But they can only take him to the NC border. The NC police said they would not get involved.
So we are just going to have to take a chance and just take him.
So sorry for your pain. Please know that everyone on this forum has also been through a lot.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
disturbing. And if course they send me into panic mode. One time he even threaten to burn his house down because "no one ever came to see him". When in fact we are out there every week and call him every day.
Should I play some for him to hear? Maybe it would get through to him just how serious this is.
I've saved them because I wanted his doctor to hear them.
Thanks Yal so much!
30 mins later NO DAD!! I go in to look for him and he's wandering around. I asked him what he was doing and he said he got confused and got lost. So now I know he's gotten way worse. One.top of that mice are back and are already making nests in his.home! Last year we had a time getting rid of them. And his home was over run by them.
I tried to talk to him on the way back to his house about how us trying to take care of him at home wasn't feasible any longer. That I wanted.him to seriously think about how hard it was on us with our own medical issues.It just went over his head.
I was in such much physical pain by the time I was finished there and then had a 2 hr drive! By the time I got home I was in tears. I was just drained. I'm bi-polar
on top of all my medical issues. And stress is one of my triggers that lands me in a psych ward. I spent 2 weeks in one last yr, one of the reasons was dad.
now my sister and BIL have another family fire to put out with my nephew and his family. Now she's not going to be as available to help.out with dad. She's just spread too thin.
I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel but when!
Sorry I just needed to vent..
One of my aunt's was adamant that my uncle would "NEVER" go to memory care. He began to wander dangerously (on the highway) and tragically, started beating my aunt when she wouldn't give him the key to get out of their condo (you never met a more loving or gentle man).
She was finally convinced to place him. She dropped dead of a heart attack a few weeks later. He lived on in his AL/MC quite happily for another year.
I'm not looking forward to that day when the actual process has to happen. But looking forward to the day when I see him smile again!
"John Doe/ Vicki Doe Jones, POA" to indict that you have financial control of your Dad's money and that you will use HIS MONEY to pay his bills. You will NOT be personally responsible for paying his nursing home bills with YOUR money.
Now we are facing the facilites want a family member to sign that we would be responsible for paying for the facility charges. Which we can't be responsible for.
I hope that I did not come across as uncaring or unfeeling - it was not my intention at all and I meant no disrespect to anyone. It's difficult to know how to go about things when a loved one has become cognitively impaired.
I moved my mom in with me after my dad passed away a little over a year ago. I'd taken her on vacation for her first birthday and wedding anniversary without dad because I wanted to distract her from her first birthday and wedding anniversary without dad. I lost my own husband five years ago and remember all to well how difficult that first year can be. As it turned out, I took her in the nick of time because last October, I took her to the movies and when we came out, she did not recognize who I was.
I had to figure out a way to get mom to the hospital without her knowing that was where I was taking her. She thought I was her sister and kept asking where our mom and dad were. She was also making things up that I knew were not true and I did not realize what I was dealing with. I stayed in the hospital with her for about 4 days while they ran several tests and, the results concluded that she suffered minor strokes, which basically destroyed brain cells and launched her into moderate stage dementia.
Thankfully, after about a month, the new medications started to take effect and mom stabilized a bit. I also took a leave from my job to make sure that I put things in place for her. I switched bedrooms so that she would have the master bedroom I once shared with my late husband and took a smaller room next to the kitchen for myself. Thankfully, I can still handle things with mom in my home and hope to do so for as long as I possibly can. My only sibling passed away over 3 decades ago and mom and I are pretty much the only family we have left.
Wishing you and your family the very best and I am glad that you have decided upon a plan which will work best for you.
I love my dad even though he tore my family apart. I've forgiven him and can't stand by and do nothing. We've thought this through so many times and are now.looking at MC facilities to hopefully have him placed by June.
I’m very sorry about the loss of your husband.
I don't know if this will work for you and your Dad, but feel it's worth a try.
I also don't know if you need to get the Sheriff into the act either. This may really create a scene. However, if you have a Social Worker with whom you are working and "getting things into place," he/she may have other options for you. Good luck.....
The social worker is no help. They are suppose to call us when she visits dad, haven't heard from. her in 6 months.
Dad is very very stubborn. It's always been his way or no way. That's how he was with us growing up. Very controlling.
We are going to make sure his room is set up with familiar things.
You must realize parents have children and it is their obligation to care for them. That is life. They grow up and leave home. They now have a right to a life and if they want to and are able to care for parents who are "off" and gone, that is their choice and their right but not everyone has the mental or physical capacity to take on these extreme cases, nor can they provide suitable care for their parents or ailing spouses. Eventually the caretakers' lives will be destroyed and it will be hell for all concerned. That is why modern society has places to put patients who are too far gone to be cared to and tended at home. Sad but that is the way it is.
He refuses outside help. Even if he did he would forget who they are and wouldn't let them in his house.
Dad is very difficult to deal with.
I don't want to place dad in a facility but do I want him to get lost again? No!! And I'm not willing to take that chance any longer. He doesn't deserve to live the rest of his life alone, depressed, not getting the needed meds and not getting 3 meals a day. He deserves life!
We call and check on him every day but that's just not enough. We go out there once a week to take food, wash clothes and take him out to eat. That's the.only time he sees anyone. He has taken electrical things apart and left live wires hanging out. He's gone through 5 phones because he takes them apart. Which means we couldn't reach him and had to ride out there to make sure he's ok. I have arthritis in my spine and a 2 hr drive kills me. That's one way.
I'm glad you are able to keep your mom at home but I'm dad's case it's just no longer possible.
She was in hospice care by that time and died comfortably next to her husband in the hospital bed we got set up next to his recliner once hospice began. That was in 2015. He is still there and spends most of his day in his favorite recliner watching his favorite old TV shows like Gunsmoke and Mash.
He joins the others on the memory care floor for meals and there are activities he can join in, but prefers not to do so. He is well cared for and happy and not alone. He remembers his wife, of course, and misses her, but understands it's only a matter of time before he can join her again. I am thankful to have found a place that does this care well and doesn't miss a beat. The memory care floor is a locked facility, so getting out is not possible. I have to use a special fob that is programmed to open the doors to enter or leave the floor. I think most memory care facilities are like that, so you don't have to worry about their wandering. I am grateful for how smooth the move went and that our strategy of making it look like home worked well.
So, either way, no matter what how hard you do with your father, he would keep fighting. Be prepared for this situation.
Good luck, and hugs!