We are 70 and 79 yrs old, and have been her caretakers for 10 yrs. She is a very negative person (and always has been). I left home when I was 18 and moved 300 miles away from her. She is profoundly deaf, and constantly accuses me of fusing at her. She has a way of trying to make me feel like I'm abusing her simply by suggesting an assisted living home. My husband and I have sacrificed the best of our retirement years for her. She refuses to even go for respite care, so that we can have a break. She can be very verbally abusive, and is manipulative. I feel like a doormat! She threatens self harm if we put her in assisted living.
Bless you and give you the strength and courage you need to get your mother placed and to move on with your lives. You've done more than enough for her for the past 10 years. Enough is enough.
Don't let keep manipulating you...you and your husband deserve a life too.
Does she have money to pay for caregivers, or for an assisted living/long term care situation or will you need to get her on Medicaid? You are going to need help negotiating all of this. I would try to find a geriatric social worker to help you identify options on how to get her placed in another living situation. You need to be very clear to everyone that you cannot continue to do this.
She cannot “make you feel” ANYTHING. Feelings come from our own thoughts and values. You have made a heroic, martyrdom attempt to satisfy her, and even that is no longer working.
You cannot “make her understand” for numerous reasons including age, temperament, hearing deficit, and personality, and you cannot allow yourself to be intimidated by her threats or refusals if you have decided that you deserve to enjoy the ability to co tell the amount of time (if any) you want to spend with her.
If YOU want YOUR life to be different, place her in the best setting SHE can afford and allow the TRAINED PROFESSIONALS there to deal with all of the negative behaviors (including suicidal ideation) to control you. You may well be surprised to find that after a period of time she will become comfortable in her new surroundings and her hostility and manipulation towards you may diminish. OR, she may continue to react in the same way she had before the move, but YOU will be spared living life on her terms 24/7/365.
You ARE entitled to a different life, but you must CHOOSE it.
Tall your mom that you will be gone and that either you or she will need to make arrangements for her care during your absence. "Woukd you like me to do that mom, or will you take care of that yourself?"
Call your local Area Agency on Aging for a needs assessment so you know exactly what her care needs are.
Take her to the doctor soon and tell doctor that entry to AL is imminent and that mom needs an updated physical and TB test (get a list of entry requirements from one of your local ALs). Be sure to tell the doctor about her threats of self harm. She certainly needs a geriatric psych work-up if she says this frequently.
Keep your tone positive and upbeat. Refuse to engage in her negativity. Leave the room or the house if she attempts to guilt you.
You CAN do this. Your life, your needs and happiness matter!
Have her taken to the ER and state firmly that you can no longer care for her.
This is going to be hard. If she starts screaming, walk out the door. Don't allow her to abuse you. She is 97. Please don't feel guilty. Modern medicine is good but it has allowed our parents to live longer than they can care for themselves. Seniors caring for seniors. You deserve to have a retirement free of responsibility.