My 90-year-old mom who broke her shoulder last week called me from home today crying and asking me to get someone to come to the house and check on her. My sister who lives there and "cares for her" is not helping. I live 100s of miles away. I tried to get someone to look in on her to no avail. I finally had the local PD do a welfare check. Not only did they NOT contact her, but they also believed my sister's story that she has Alzheimer’s (first I've ever heard of this) was sleeping (which she wasn't) and said I was trying to torture her by having this welfare check! I then got a call from a male (not the PD) who told me that if I keep checking on her welfare, I was going to cause mom to get "locked up." I can hear her crying in the background, "Please, please give me my phone back." I sent the PD back, who still didn't talk to her because my sister told them that mom has dementia this time and was sleeping. A third call, and I was told that mom was detoxing from pain pills and that's why she's acting this way. My sister said that she took mom's phone away and would "kick my ass" if I flew there to try and check on her (no worries, she can't). These same people forced her to have a reverse mortgage on her paid off house on Long Island and did not give her the money or make repairs to the home. I had to purchase an oil burner for her house so she wouldn’t freeze in the winter 5 years ago when this reverse mortgage took place. Is any of this, in your collective experience, considered elder abuse and should I report it? I told my sister that I must hear from mom once a week or I will continue to call for the PD to do welfare checks (even if they are ineffective). My sister blocked me on my mother's social media, and I can only dial mom if I do it from another phones (she has me blocked on mom's phone now). Mom's local PD says they cannot force them to let mom make a phone call. I'm just so sad, remembering how she sounded when she was begging for her phone. My thought is that if they're doing right by her, what difference does it make if she uses her phone or is the subject of a welfare check? This is new territory for me. Please advise. I'm searching the internet as well. I just wanted to hear from people who have been here before. FYI, before this I talked to mom monthly, and we've always had pleasant conversations where she was alert, oriented, smart, and funny. She cooked all the meals for herself and my sister, even though mom uses a walker, until she no longer could, due to this broken shoulder. Never any indication she was in any sort of cognitive decline, for example, completely aware that my adult daughter was planning a trip to come see me in 2 weeks. This sister is a drug addict in her fifties, who never had a steady job and was investigated several times for child abuse. Her children are adults now, and want nothing to do with her, or this situation.
Have you given any thought about what you would like to see happen next if your mother is removed from your sister's care?
My hope would be for my husband and I to take mom in (we have the means) and let her enjoy her twilight years for as much, and as long as she desires. We've cared for my husband's grandmother in the past so we wouldn't be going into it blind.
To facilitate it, we'd be willing to let mom sign over her house to my sister (that's what she really wants) and her entire social security/retirement checks (sister hasnt ever had meaningful employment and has been living on mom's dole, even before she moved in to "care" for her). I'm sad that my mother is 90 and unhappy. I'm confused as to why someone would isolate her from her support group, from social media, or from just having conversations with her children, while simultaneously taking away her ability to call for help if need be. It seems counterintuitive and counterproductive. The last conversation I had with mom before this, she was perfectly normal, just complaining of shoulder pain from a fall. And finally, why the three different excuses during the welfare checks for mom's behavior? Drug seeking behavior (mom never touched a drop of alcohol in her life but did have a brief period of opiod dependency, 16 yrs ago, following double hip replacement), then alzheimers and dementia, all within 5 hrs of each other. I kick myself for not seeing this coming. I'm in contact with her adult protective services (anonymously, i havent made a formal complaint), getting advice and probably going to need a lawyer who specializes in this area, (my attorney said he can only craft a cease and desist letter on her blocking access at this point, since we don't have anything concrete on the situation). This waiting is the hardest part, imagining her in pain (physically and emotionally) and feeling so helpless.
Sorry, I'm a chatty Cathy when I'm trying to work through things.
Definitely get APS involved ASAP.
From what you have shared, your mom is being financially exploited, psychologically abused and is receiving threats and intimidation from your scuzzy sister and her friend. She is probably being physically, emotionally and mentally abused as well.
Your sister is a proven abuser of vulnerable human beings. What makes you think she might not be abusive to mom?
Edit: Sharon, your mom should say whatever to get away from your sister but, she can't sign over a reverse mortgage, the mortgage company can deal with your sister after mom leaves. It is against the law for anyone to take an elders social security, so let your sister and mom think whatever they want and then use the law to protect your mom. Her as is for her, not your deadbeat sister.
Yes, I included sister's history of child abuse to help you all understand that she's not some compassionate caregiver. She's really a monster. My instinct is that all of this isolation was initiated when I talked to my mom after her shoulder injury and told her I would convert my dining room into a bedroom for her because the doorways are wide enough to accommodate handrails and a walker or wheelchair, I already have a huge walk in shower with a built in seat, and my brother can get a tiny house and set it up in my backyard. Several months ago, I promised her that I would look after him if anything happened to her. I think (I'm not there and am estranged from her) that this offer (though not intended) put sister into full blown panic and that's when she started isolating them. Also we're not wealthy. We are basically working class people with a mortgage and car payments, etc. that have enough financial means that helping mom would be a strain, but not be a burden and of corse a pleasure.
When we cared for hubby's grandma before she died (93 yo) I felt blessed to hear all the old stories (sometimes 5 times a day, lol). These women lived through the depression, WW II and Korea, lost sons to Vietnam, etc. I am the lucky one to have them. I told people, when I was caring for grandma *she had that dementia that made her mean sometimes, that I got the very best of her. Those who weren't willing to step up and help or even visit, lost out.
Either the original question was BS or you are perfectly happy to see your mom abused. ALL of the waving red flags for abuse are present in your post.
Department of Aging doesn't lightly recommend reporting abuse, so they are very concerned about your mom and brother or they wouldn't have recommended reporting it.
Is she getting proper medical attention?
Adequate pain relief?
How did it happen?
Call APS RIGHT Now for heaven's sake.
not open until 830 on Monday. At this point, I'm sit and wait and research. I'm also making sure there are no complaints against the agency!
My husband was able to talk to her, but it was on speaker, unfortunately. She sounded great, made no mention of the drama from my sister or the pain she is likely in and thanked him for calling. Does that mean everything is awesome? No! I still need an agency looking in on this.
Please folks, be part of the solution
Is there an agency providing caregivers for your mom?
The Area Agency on Aging?
Adult Protective Services?
You don't write a report. You give them a bulleted list of the facts-- mom is afraid, pretends all is well in the presence of your sister, you have heard her threatened with being locked up, recent serious injury with no medical followup. THEY write the report.
I've been involved in a couple of cases where there was obvious abuse--once with an elder and once with a woman who had custody of her grandchildren and was simply unable to handle them. Sadly, in both cases, an investigation was done and nothing came of it. The elderly person has since passed away--but the situation with the g-ma and her g-kids is still spiraling out of control--the 2 boys have both beaten her--and she refuses to press charges or get the boys (aged 14 & 15) any help. It's only a matter of time before they either beat her senseless or worse--kill her or someone else.
Yes--it's that dire and yet CPS and APS do not deem the situation 'bad enough' to remove the boys from the home. (G-ma is 73 yo and absolutely exhausted).
IF she would agree to CPS removing the boys--they would. Someone in every awful situation does wield the most power. Sounds like your toxic sister has it in this case.
I really don't see that making tons of phone calls is helping. You need to go there and be a 'presence'. YOU can bring the authorities up to date and YOU can facilitate a change. Working at this from 100's of miles away is fruitless (but you know that already, don't you?)
Are you ready and willing to take mom out of that situation and either move her to a NH or take her home with you? It may just be that is all you can do.
BTW--abusers often 'get even' with the reporter and make life even worse for the victim. Your sister sounds like she would do this.
I'm not being judgy--this is a horrible situation for mom. She needs an advocate, and a loud, pushy one at that.
I'll be praying for you and your mom. I hope you can find a way to get to her, ASAP.
The only problem I have is that my daughter, who also advocates for my mom is in her first trimester and caught COVID from work. I literally can't be in two places at once and have to rely on social workers to do the right thing. Do I want to be boots on the ground? Yes, with my whole heart. When my daughter recovers, I truly hope I can be.
THanks for sharing your experiences. These are all quite helpful
APS is useless if the elder won’t speak against her abusers either because she doesn’t want them to get in trouble or they’ll make more trouble for her
You can't expect any 'agencies' or police departments to get an accurate feel for what's going on with your mother and her daughter to the degree that they can call you with details to put your mind at ease 100%. You've given enough background about your sister being a drug addict, a child abuser who's children want nothing to do with her NOW as adults, and a financial exploiter so that we can advise you to go out there yourself to see what's happening. That's what happens on an internet forum: you get advice from lots of people who are and have been caregiving for elders for a long time who can give you advice from the heart and/or from our gut instincts. You hear your mother crying in the background, begging for her phone back.......that would be enough for me to go out there to see for myself what's going on with my mother! Nothing anyone tells me over the phone would calm my nerves on this matter, nothing but an in-person visit would do the trick for me, so that's the advice I'm giving to you.
Do what you wish, but don't say that we have 'misdirected anger' towards you. Then you'll wind up coming back here writing another post one of these days saying 'how did I miss all the warning signs mom was being abused', God forbid???? Take the advice you're being given in the spirit it's being given: with the hope your mother is NOT being abused but with the hunch she IS. Go find out for yourself. Then come back & let us know how everything turned out.
Good luck and Godspeed to you.
I needed help, 99% of yall provided it.
This all happened on Thursday. I had the cops check on her then. I learned about the appropriate government agencies from here and started making calls on Friday. I will pull the trigger on the report when suffolk county opens 0830 on Monday. Long story even longer, it's a toxic and narcissistic family I come from. Mom chose to stay swimming in that cess pool (which I'm not blaming her for). I wish I would have kept a closer watch on them. Mom was always so strong. She never "needed" my help, which now I understand is one of the symptoms. I live very close to the Florida border, I just moved here two weeks ago from El Paso for my husband's work. My daughter is pregnant, living here, a college professor who now has COVID.
I want to be with mom, or there for mom or bring her here with me. I also want to take care of my preschool and elementary grandchildren while my daughter recovers. Due to my family's toxic nature, I can't actually pin point my location any more than that. I was estranged from everyone except from my mother and brother, for very good reason. Talking to my brother, my hunch is he will be the next target. His info is also included in my report.
I was only interested in who provides oversight to elder protection agencies, in the event I need to know. I'm not sitting on my hands, just trying to learn from helpful people who have been there before.
Its a little too late for me to wonder how I missed the warning signs. I already did. Now it's time to catch all this up. I am getting my lawyer here to send my sister a cease and desist letter. Scary looking, but not a lot of teeth. At least it shows her my eyes have been opened. My mom told me about the broken shoulder the week before but acted like it was under control. Obviously, that was wrong too. 20/20 hindsight on my part.
Bottom line, mom called (with or without dementia), crying, asking for my help and has not rescinded that request. As soon as I can boots on the ground, I will. In the meantime I'm using every resource I have to help her and my brother, that includes you all.
I own that I didn't know sooner, that's on me
Sharon, you will find plenty of complaints against APS. Also the Police Department, any local school authority and Child Protective Services.
Government agencies that are charged with protecting and providing services to the public are ALWAYS getting complained about. Please don't let it deter your from reporting what may be abuse.
I would be MOST concerned that your mother has gotten proper medical care for her broken shoulder and followup like a PT agency coming into the home. And pain meds that aren't being abused by your sister and her pal.
And of course, the big question, how did the injury happen in the first place?
In the meantime and even afterwards, I'm planning to be as relentless as possible in research, in reporting, and in oversight. I want to keep resources available for every foreseen and unforeseen contingency. I was estranged from my toxic family members (with the exception of mom and brother) for 10 years. That's how I (with a major capital i) let the wolves get in the door. My eyes are open now. I can't "unsee" this.
For good or for ill, before her phone was stolen by my sister, mom asked for help. She's not asked me to back down so I'm not going to. I wish I can make an appearance, it's just not possible at the moment, but hopefully in the very near future.
Mom explained to me that she fell against a stack of boxes (sister is also a known hoarder so I wasn't very surprised by this. She said that her doctor ordered physical therapy and cortisone shots. She sounded cognizant. She said she wasn't a candidate for surgery because of her age and physical condition. It seemed plausible, and may even be true, or just her inner strength showing through). I wish, in hindsight, I would have asked for her doctor's name and number then (she has a new primary care since the last time I saw her, two years ago).
This sycks. I'm sad. I'm a sandwich taking care of multiple generations for the moment. Thank God I at least have the abilities I need for right now. Just keep the suggestions coming folks. You never know which one can tip the scales
Ps: sorry I'm so down on my sister, but she was my childhood abuser who has never remotely displayed remorse. I used to try to please her, now she is just a waste of human flesh.
One niggling question about your family. Is mom part of the toxic narcissistic crowd?
I don't doubt that something bad is going on, but consider that perhaps there is some manipulating going on to get you to swoop in and take mom and brother into your home.
Not always easy to get folks placement from home. Much easier if mom goes to a hospital or rehab and gets placed from there.
If APS feels mom needs to be removed, ask for her to be placed; you can then arrange a good facility setting near you.
Your brother sounds like he would do well in a group home setting.
Call YOUR local Area Agency on Aging and the local Disabilities support group; you need the support of a social worker to sort this out.
With that out of the way...
You asked what others would do in your situation. As I am a blunt and direct and some probably even say, bullheaded person, I would apply for emergency guardianship. I would throw my sister's history in with the court filing as justification that my mother needs to be immediately removed from the home or have my sister removed from the home. Then I would have the cops with me when I picked up my mother. I would then file a TRO until a permanent solution can be secured. And I wouldn't be taking her home.
Assuming I cannot be there fast enough to get her, I would let the Area on Aging and APS know that I was filing for an emergency guardianship to get my mother out of a bad situation and find out if they can take her into care until I got there.
FWIW, I have had to prioritize one family member over another and it hurts. One of the things I look for is which family member can handle the situation without my help and which one cannot. That helps me know which person needs me most. Maybe that small tidbit can help you too.
Yeah, that's what I would do.
Whatever you decide, may it be a comfort that you are trying.
0823, 7 min before Suffolk county opens up, I get an angry phone call from sister. Basically, how dare I get the cops involved, and now she's under investigation for elder abuse (mind you I hadn't given any names yet). Lots of angry words from her, me explaining that I hadn't made the report, her calling me names and then says, "I'm going to tell you what you're going to do." I told her she is many years passed telling me what to do. Made her even angrier. I said, look, I hadn't made any allegations against you or anyone else (up to that point, it was true) and if there isn't any elder abuse going on, what have you got to hide? She called me a jerk and a nut and threatened to cut me off from the family, mind you I've been estranged from most of them for 10 years already. I told her that has no currency with me anymore. Then she got weird and says that I haven't asked about mom in two years. Huh? I talked to mom once a month for the past 10 years so why would I need to call my sister, my former childhood abuser, if i have no inkling of anything wrong? I asked her if i Am supposed to have ESP about something? Mom never said there was a problem and always seemed fine. I told sister good luck with your elder abuse case, you're just angry that I broke the cycle of abuse and hung up on her. She called me less than a minute later and said I was not allowed to speak and just listen. She was going to give me mom's medical story. I said fine, so long as she understood it was my turn to speak after the first three minutes and we'll take turns. "I'm not going to play by your rules." Fine, and I hung up again. She calls me back, again (and hopefully I never have to hear her voice again). "I'm going to give you mom's medical history and I don't want to hear from you ever again." I say, "okay, say your piece and get on with your life." Instead, she screams, "What kind of mind games are you playing?" Uh....none. "Well, I'm not going to tell you anything now and I'm cutting you off!" Mom is in the background, saying let me talk to her. I'm like cool, I get to hear mom's voice. I asked her if she remembers asking me to get someone to check on her last week, she said yes and tried to say a sentence but it trailed off. I said ok, I love you mom. I got an I love you too from my mom (very precious to me). Its also scary. Somethings not right, you know? I hung up the phone and called APS, waiting on a call back. When they did, they took my info, entered it into the log book for a qualified elder social worker to call me back, but it may take up to three days. They have not taken mom's info from me yet, just mine, until they reach my case in the queue. In the meantime, feel free to have PD do a welfare check anytime I feel mom's in danger. If sis is already under investigation, that's freakin' great! It could only be mom's doctors or PD or even meals on wheels. Or, she was trying to gas light me to make me think the investigation has commenced. Either way, I've gotten enough info from here and other resources to know not to back down. I don't need to know the answer. I need to know she's safe and being cared for, and if I need to open up my home, I will. My daughter is doing better today with her COVID. And of course she's worried for the baby, ultrasound is on Friday.
Sorry for the drama folks. IF I AM IN ANYWAY OUT OF LINE, even the smallest amount, please call me out on it. The bottom line is doing the best for a 90 yr old woman. I still pray to God that this is just a sibling spat
Fyi, sister sent my husband whom she cussed out a few days ago, a FB friend request. I've blocked all these whack
-a-dos on social media many years ago. Gee, I wonder what that's about?
Sounds like the PD called it in.
Sit tight and keep us updated.
You've done the right thing. Hope that mom will talk openly with the when they speak with her.
Your sister sounds a bit "off" but may be burned out if mom indeed has dementia.
Wishing you well.
I would check in with the PD and APS in the AM and tell them about your disturbing call with your sister.
Tell them that sister is not allowing mother to talk to you, even though you can HEAR her asking to speak with you.
Tell them that you are very worried about her safety and her physical health.
The fact that mom thinks that she was "rescued" from rehab by your sister is a red flag that yells both "dementia" and "gaslighting". This whole situation may be more complex than appears, but I would err on the side of caution.
Im hoping I'm being just cautious.
Daughter's ultrasound went great today and she is getting good relief from her COVID symptoms, but not enough that I would feel comfortable leaving the state to lay eyes on my mom quite yet. These are my priorities.
APS is still delayed on the intake but they did check the logs. My sister was screaming at me that my welfare check on my mom had caused her to be under investigation for elder abuse. Ummm.... no. The only thing they have is a log entry from this week, from me, that they haven't been able to do the intake on yet. Sadly, the earliest an elder social worker is available is now Tuesday. Very sadly, there are just too many cases :( I understand. I have one mom, they have a million.
So sister was shining me on, again. Trying to claim she was already under investigation to try and stop me from reporting (didnt work). Brother is supposed to call my hubby at 4pm with an update or maybe even talking to mom! We requested a minimum of weekly contact (either brother or mother) or they'll get another welfare check. That was the suggestion of APS, and I think it's a good one.
My focus is on mom's health and well being. I swear they can keep the house and the money. I always have a place for mom if that ends up being in her best interest. I hope all your burdens are light.
Again, if you see me going down the wrong path, call it out. I may be too close to the situation to see clearly