My sister in law has full power if attorney both medically and financially. My husband has kinda checked out on his dad’s care and the decisions he should be helping with.
My father-in-law continues to say he wants to stay home and my brother in law lives with his parents to help them. Their daughter wants to put both her parents in a home...but has made plans for her mom to be in a little apartment and Dad to be in memory care.
Dad is not that bad, has one son who is willing to continue to live with him, and has verbally said he wants to stay home. Dad refuses to have anyone help with his toe nails and bathing. His son doesn’t want to fight with dad over this. His daughter and one son plan to drug him to get him to the nursing home. I cannot support this. I don’t think his daughter has guardianship at this point. I am not sure what to do but know this should be stopped. His daughter has all the cards and doesn’t care what he wants.
What should I do?
I see from your profile that your husband's Dad is in his 90's. Of course, he doesn't want to move. He grew up in an era where the elderly with memory issues were placed in asylums. Dad-in-law has no idea that Assisted Living/Memory Care are more like hotels in today's world.
Who has Medical Power of Attorney for Dad-in-law? It is up to that person to make the final decision. And if Dad-in-law refuses to a point of no return, then the family usually has to wait for a medical emergency, 911, hospital, rehab, then memory care. In the mean time, your brother-in-law is becoming more physically and emotionally exhausted.
If the parents-in-law can budget the cost, both parents can go into a community that has Independent Living for Mom-in-law [with a Staff that is there to help her if she needs help], and Memory Care living for Dad-in-law. Mom can visit her husband as much as she wants, but then can walk back to her apartment to rest up for the next day.
Folks with memory issues can do what is called "showtiming" where if they have visitors they can present themselves as quite normal. It has always baffled science how one can do that. But once the visitor leaves, then the memory issues return quickly.
But, what you should do is stop assuming that she is wrong about the end goal. Sounds to me like she might be completely right about that; not least because Memory Care Units conduct their own assessments so I think it's unlikely there hasn't been professional input. Where are you getting your information about what's been done or arranged? For example, what's this point about the Nursing Home's believing that he's consented to the MCU?
Your FIL wants to stay home. He is living at home with his wife and his son. The wife and son are unable to persuade him to bathe or to accept personal care, and the son "doesn't want to fight with him" about it. There is a big elephant hiding between those lines, you know. What has your MIL said about how she feels? What do you think is the impact on her of your FIL's condition? If she is going along with SIL's plan, that says to me that MIL is really struggling and needs a way forward.
Your DH has checked out. The resident BIL is... I mean this sympathetically... a bit of a chocolate teapot. Credit where it's due, at least your SIL is trying to *do* something about the situation. Also: she has the necessary authorities. She doesn't need guardianship as well.
So. The remaining issue, as you say, is the how to get this done. What do we mean by drugging him? What do we mean by lying to him? And what is your better idea?
You say he's not that bad... you might change your mind if you were there overnight, for example.
If you want to help your FIL, the best thing to do is get on board and help. How about offering to accompany him on moving day? You could provide a comforting presence and keep his attention off the disruption going on around him.
What it comes down to is this. If your FIL's dementia makes him eligible for Memory Care, then although his wishes remain important and you should continue to listen to him you cannot rely on his judgement, which is by definition seriously impaired. His wanting to stay home does not in itself make that possible; and there is your MIL's wellbeing to consider as well as his.
Two children want him in memory care, and your husband doesn't care. He's their father, after all. Memory care isn't a bad thing!
Support your husband in this and don’t get involved.
Its not easy to care for someone with Dementia/Alz. The desease is unpridictable. They get like toddlers. Some get violent. I was the POA for ,y Mom. My brothers chose to have little imput. I made all the decisions. Its not an easy job. You hope your decisions are the correct ones. You are responsible for the finances and medical. Your husband seems to be letting his sister handle it all. I think stepping back is a good idea. Your input may not be appreciated. SIL is probably under stress just having to make these decisions.
As a DIL, you have to step back and MYOB. Your heart is in the right place. But unless you are willing to move him in with you and become his full time caregiver, you really have no say in the matter. Let your SIL handle this. It honestly sounds like she knows a lot more than you.