How do I handle this situation living with my family and father-in-law?

Just wondering what has happened, hopefully for the better, with your situation

Your family should come first. Dad wants to move some new woman in? Whose home is this? Did he discuss this with the two of you? Does your wife have other siblings that could help with dad? Check in your area for AL, if he has no savings or assets he should be eligible for Medicaid benefits which would pay for the facility. How old is this self centered adult? The information about MIL should've been disclose before moving in, but that is water under the bridge. I understand the continuing education so as to ultimately better the lives of your family by making yourself more marketable in the workforce. As I understand it you are working 2 jobs and classes. Your wife works and daddy dearest sits on his hind end thinking he's going to have a free ride, not even contributing by simple chores. Apparently he had the time and wherewithal to go out, socialize, meet someone else after MIL passeds so the grief part is over if he wants to move her in. How about he moves in with her or they go find their own place? Win win for all. Have you asked your wife how she feels about his moving on with someone else? This may be hard on her, making her think if she does more he won't need to look for someone else, thats he's doing this to spite her? Sorry FIL, I have young children here and I can not condone your moving a perfect stranger into my family's home. You need to get your wife on board too, no overnight guests either. Grandpa doesn't get slumber parties in your home. As others have said, counseling is a good idea. You know how this situation is effecting your family life, but also how is it effecting your children? How do they feel about this? THEY don't need the stress, they are also more aware than most adults give them credit for. Remain calm, DO NOT dictate to your wife, ask for suggestions, weigh options, MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS YOU LOVE HER, TELL HER, DON'T ASSUME SHE KNOWS IT. Do not even utter the words leaving or divorce, once said you can't take them back and they will stay with her, always in the back of her mind regardless of what you do or say they will be there, nagging and hurting her.

"Here's the issue...my wife thinks I'm wrong because I think that I and our kids should take priority."

Nonsense. Do you think your wife would accept that as a fair summary of her thoughts on the issue? Of course she wouldn't! Her reluctance to chuck her father out is not the same as her disagreeing that your kids - though, by the way, I notice you put yourself ahead of them there - should take priority.

"he is as happy as a turtle in the sun because she is doing everything for him"

Nonsense. He may be content to blame everybody else for what is going on in the household, he may sit there like a frog in a pond taking everything he's offered, but given that conflict in the household makes his own position precarious he is NOT going to be happy.

Right, enough. You get the picture - the whole post is full of crooked thinking and false constructions.

You three adults are at loggerheads. Cue: you and lots of other people saying aha! the manipulative old bastard's got what he wanted, he's driven a wedge etc etc etc.

Again, nonsense. The old man is not in charge. You and your wife are the decision-makers in this household. But instead of linking arms to deal with a horrendous situation, you have fallen into the trap of a) blaming one another and b) thinking the other person should do something about it.

And because you're both under considerable strain and this has been so painful, it's very difficult for you each to trust the other to have your best interests at heart. But you must. And you must comfort one another, and support one another.

And for God's sake stop feeling so bloody sorry for yourself. I'm sorry, but honestly! Just you read back over what you've written and see how much of it is poor old you. You're not dead. You're not anyone's dependant. Your wife hasn't died. You're not even facing having to say no to your widowed father. Do count your blessings.

Where do you go from here? Mind-map time, I think. Just you and her, a big sheet of paper and some coloured pens. Can you get a sitter for the kids and grandpa and go away for a night or two?

Mmm. I see what you say about her getting defensive when you, oh Mr Rational Practicality, just want to talk about solutions.

It is possible that she has gone off you, a bit, over the last few months. Also that she is tired and depressed and not feeling any too romantic.

Flowers and "I'm sorry that I haven't understood and I haven't been kinder" might be a start.

Then you can move gradually, carefully, on to how to make the long haul tolerable for all concerned. Softly softly.

J, February 2017? So it has been 20 months?

Plenty of time for FIL to find balance with the loss.

Is your wife okay with being percieved as her dads woman, because that is the position he has put her in. My dad thought he was entitled to me becoming the woman in his life when his 3rd marriage failed and his choices left him more dead than alive, with no home, no money and all friends and family alianated. It was hard to put my foot down, there was a history, but no way am I going to let him disrespect me, my life or my family. If he wanted to be a guest in our home, he would need to step up, realize that my husband is the head of this house and contribute through doing everything he could and pay his way. Nope, he decided that AL being waited on hand and foot was better, then when he tired of that, he got his act together and moved to live with his stepdaughter that would let him be the man of the house.

Im sorry that others are pounding you for the decision to move, obviously it was a mutual agreement.

I understand how angry one can become when they are hustled, that your in laws neglected to give the family the facts of the situation adds fuel to the fire. I personally would like to be respected enough to be allowed to make decisions with the facts on the table. Maybe, the move would have waited, maybe there would have been a plan as to what the future will look like or ? But one never knows in the situation you are in, you weren't given the choice.

This is probably the hot point that needs to be dealt with, the beginning of the lies. FIL will be of no help understanding why they would not be honest about MILs condition. We can speculate that it is because he is and always has been a hustler and they fully intended for the current situation. But how to let go of years of resentment and move forward.

I am not a proponent of therapy, but you and your wife need to communicate or it will not work. So if she will not listen and visaversa, you guys need a mediator. Stuff gets better or it gets worse, it never stays the same. So find a mediator and talk.

You are going to have to be persistent until this happens, but do it in a gentle loving manner, maybe just schedule it and ask her if she will come.

She is in a tough position, she loves her dad and has some guilt over her mom, she needs to get over thinking she could have saved her mom. This thought alone tells you her head is screwed up. Be her advocate and let the crap with FIL slide until you guys talk. When you do, be honest in a loving, compassionate way, it must suck to have a dad like him and she feels stuck, help her get unstuck.

You have obviously been a loving, caring husband to have tolerated all of this for years. Just remember there is always two sides to the story and you are not sure what hers is at this point. Patience for a while longer.

I pray you find a really good mediator and you and your wife can find a path out of this mess.

Hello, I read your note two times. I am 72 years young and have had a similar situation. I was the caregiver and set a standard lesson plan just like a teacher for our home management everyone who lives in the home contributes doing laundry folding and leaving a demo of how things are folddd leaving it in basket is a great senior position. Preparing dinner setting the dinner table doing clean up with a member of the family. Being strict and tough as a good teacher is and being reasonable with a dad or mom who lives in your home is a good relationship builder. Think about counseling for both of you if your wife declines you go don’t leave your home you want your home, wife, children to come first in each other’s heart you are also in it together for the long haul namely your Marriage. I am now a senior care provider and the successful multi generational living seem to works only if husband and wife agree on a family format good for one good for all, respecting time with each other to ongoing discuss what works and what needs to be revised.....all on paper.....dad can also contribute with how he can be helpful while everyone is at work.....with best wishes always move forward....with an open heart....emi

JS, If only your opening remarks hadn't been about how you moved state to pursue your PhD while your in-laws sold their house and moved with you to help.

Then it all went a bit pear-shaped; and suddenly instead of having ample funds and a multi-generational family pulling together while you bettered yourself, other people needed attention and cost money and took up your wife's time and what the heck - !

When exactly did your wife's mother die?

To all the ladies on here, we have to consider that men DO NOT think the same as us, real men that is.

Moving a woman in? So much for the grief stricken old man.

Of course Jstatus is being selfish, he feels like he is fighting for his very life, his children's and his wife's and his marriage.

If he was just a selfish jerk, he wouldn't be here. He would have walked out and left her to it.

This whole move another woman into a house that is not his, when he doesn't even engage with his own grandkids, come on. He doesn't even care how his behavior is impacting his own daughter as long as he gets what he wants, do we really expect anyone to overlook this behavior? Time to find a new address for FIL.

J, how does your wife view his latest selfish declaration? Is she not horrified that he wants to shack up with another woman in her home, in front of her children?

JStatus, you fear your wife may resent you if you act on moving Dad out of the house. Seems like there’s a lot of resentment in the house already. You moved the family to go to school. Her parents moved too to help. (why did they feel she would need help?) Her Mom was sicker than they let on...maybe they knew you wouldn’t welcome them if they shared how sick she was? Would you? Maybe she just wanted to be with her daughter in her final days? Mom passed away and wife is dealing with grief, working and trying to care for dad, and raise kids. You’re studying. And grousing that her remaining parent is still moping around. You’ve made it clear you don’t want to spend another dime on him. He evidently has no assets of his own to spend, left from the sale of his house? But have you actually investigated any of the suggestions given? Some insurances cover adult day care. Have you applied for Medicaid for him, assuming he has no assets?

What at exactly do you want your wife to do, while you’re studying? Not knowing your financial status, but your said money is tight. That is a huge stressor. She has the weight of supporting the family on her shoulders while you pursue a degree for a future job. Perhaps you could pick up a part time job for a while to help out...added benefit it would get you out of the house for a while, so you wouldn’t have to witness her struggling.

I originally said said I wasn’t a marriage counselor. But I 100% believe you need to see one.

Jstatus, I understand you are going through a very difficult time. I understand the stress along with the anger and resentment response to a loss of control in your life and the fear that worse may be ahead. There are many things in life we have absolutely no choice about, but we always have a choice in how we respond. I'm suggesting that your life will work out better if you can find a way to step back from your anger and resentment or at least not focus them on your wife.
 
I'm concerned that several of your statements do not well reflect the thinking of an educated person pursuing a Ph.D. In particular, your insistence that FIL doesn't have any problems and is "… a hustler like he'd always been" seem to indicate some other emotional hook is being pulled. Maybe something from your own childhood broken home?
 
Several people with the experience of watching a LO in the early stages of cognitive problems have stated they recognize some early signs in your descriptions of FIL's behavior but you state categorically that FIL has no cognitive problems. Are you a geriatric psychiatrist? A neurologist?  Even those with advanced training and experience need a few tests before they develop an opinion on someone's cognitive state. "He may be depressed, but it's his job to figure it out." Again, depression often doesn't work that way and many people need help to get out of depression's shadow. Your statements seem more emotional than reasoned responses.
 
But what concerns me most is that you seem to have already abandoned your wife emotionally. "…but I'm struggling with getting beyond my resentful feelings. My wife can help but I will not because he hasn't lost any cognitive function…" "She is pulled in a few directions, but I have to sit silently and watch her be destroyed every day." You do not have to sit silently, you clearly state you have chosen to not help her with FIL because you have decided he doesn't need or deserve help. Does your wife need or deserve support from her husband? Do your children deserve to see a working marriage where their parents support each other or a dysfunctional relationship where Mom can move and restart her life to support Dad getting more education but Dad cannot support Mom when she needs it? Is the $30,000 money actually spent on FIL or your wife's lost wages? Money is a form of support but often not visible to children.
 
I agree your children deserve a Mom that is not exhausted and stressed out and parents that openly care and support each other. My original post recommended you work at restoring your relationship with your wife and work with her to move your FIL out of your home. FIL needs to stand on his own as much as he is able.  FIL's cognitive status will only shape where you move him; he definitely needs to move out of your home.
 
Do you understand that your wife probably views her father as a dependent, nearly as much as her children? She believes her father NEEDS her help/assistance. Maybe she believes he needs more help than he really does. You could be right and she is trying to save her father in part because she couldn't save her mother. Whatever the reason, your wife knows her father needs her help just as surely as you believe he doesn't. Your wife has the will to meet life's challenges, even the ones she never chose and doesn't want. Today she sees you as an independent person capable of taking care of yourself and helping her build and support a family. Do you really want her to see your differently? As another dependent she needs to take care of?
 
Please re-consider the basis of your resentment. Perhaps a few counseling sessions to help you reduce the intensity of those feelings?  Your best chance at preserving your family may be supporting your wife and to do that you must be able to step back from your resentment. I believe your reasoning mind can see that too, but we are all emotional beings and getting our emotions under control is very challenging.

I see another side of this. YOU moved the family for your (selfish?) pursuit. SHE had to go to work full time as your income went down. SHE had to take care of her dying mother. When does what she wants matter?! She has gone through many changes for you and a terrible loss. All I hear you saying is me, me, me. You need to acknowledge your part in this and ask her how you can help. Newsflash - It's not all about you anymore! I'm sorry to be harsh but how much help are YOU giving her with her parents and your kids? You definitely need to see a marriage counselor to work through these changes.

I have to agree with what others have stated: please reconsider and like many have suggested: a kinder approach. To your credit and hers, your MIL did have your support until her death and your FIL is thinking about the same care for himself as your wife tries to “be all things to all people.”

It never works really, but I applaud her for trying as your FIL works through his grief (what you described sounds like him processing his grief through withdrawal and not wanting to do anything), so your wife’s attention mimic his late wife’s attention; which feels good to him.

i would encourage you to kindly get her back on the same page as you so you can work solutions as a unit, not he vs. she & dad. Leaving would compound a very strained, but temporary issue into something much more- a long term complication after his passing, and as a man who has done and sacrificed for her family, that’s not fair to you and your family or wife.

i am concerned for her, and like others, I’d see about some respite care and take some time away to relax and re-engage with each other. Assure her that you’re in it for the long haul (the marriage) but are also interested in solutions that crop up that’s inevitable (her losing her mom, her dad’s health). You don’t want her to feel like she has to choose but as a couple, you both should choose something that benefits the long term happiness of her Dad.

assure her ( and I’m sure you do) that you do love your FIL, but your FIL is still a healthy vibrant man and would enjoy having a place of his own nearby and you’ll support (and your kids) will support “the fun venture to make that occur.”

in the meantime, do your research on solutions ( assisted living facilities, respite care, adult activities) that reengage him in post-loss. As a “good daughter”, we can resist what that sounds like we are less than but if you word it like you’re not trying to overburden her plate, you’re trying to make her father’s years as fun and as independent as it can be, it may work out for you both.

please don’t resent her for trying to be “superwoman” ... it’s a very hard label to live under but worth trying to coax her out of her super suit into a very real, human, reality we all face.

First of all, I’m so sorry you are torn between having your happy family unit as you think it should be, and your wife’s continued focus on her widowed father’s needs and wants. Seems like she is dealing with some residual guilt and grief surrounding her mother’s death. Making up for that grief by “helicopter caregiving” for dad isn’t working for your family. She needs support, help, and options.
Try a kind, supportive approach- stating how concerned you are for HER health and mental well being... and how you will need yo come up with a mutually agreed upon plan, with a timeline, for father-in-law (who seems ready to have his own “independent space” for a new partner). If he can afford to look at small apartments, do so. Even if it’s nearby.... dad needs his OWN space. Once that happens, I believe it will solve all your issues and concerns, and gradually your wife will relinquish some self-imposed responsibilities and let dad take care of himself. Hopefully!

Jstatus; I understand your anger.

But you REALLY need to start by getting him looked at to see what his mental/cognitive/psychiatric impairments are at the present time.

He may have a lifelong personality disorder. If you wife has grown up with that. she is going to need long term counseling to undo that damage.

He may have a cognitive impairment. That will affect what placements he's eligible for.

Before you do another thing. please arrange for a thorough evaluation of his mental and cognitive health.

I think you, your wife, and your kids should take priority. I don't think you should feel guilty for saying or believing this.

I was going to add my thoughts, but I decided to read the responses below before I posted. I'm glad I did. There are some beautiful, kind answers for you. I would have to say that I agree that you should stop and not do anything right now. Do some more research and see if there are other options that you can consider. Maybe even speaking to your FIL could make a difference. I was second in consideration for many years when my husbands parents were alive. It never felt good to be neglected and guilt was tossed my way every second of the day when I had an opposition to caring for them while my kids still needed care. This type of thing can definitely destroy marriages. You have to decide if you really want to break apart your marriage in this way when there could be a solution right around the corner. Best of luck to you.

Hi - I am so sorry your family is going through this!  I can completely relate with your feelings....  I stand with you, your wife's job is not to save her dad (especially when he "milks" it and can do for himself).... sounds very  much like the other selfish elders discussed on this site.  1st you were duped by not knowing the realities of MIL's health.  Not that your family would not have helped, but deceiving none the less.  From your description, it sounds to me like your wife has some sort of childhood issues, fast forwarded into her adult life.  It is compounded by the fact that you are not able to have a meaningful and constructive conversation with regard to possible solutions and your and your children's feelings.  I am SURE this is a huge disruption to your home, most especially if FIL does not interact with the kids and at least attempt to be a meaningful part of the household.  I am a firm believer that, while even in the best of circumstances, it is never easy - it can be workable for all if everyone activity participates and when possible, arrangements are made so that everyone still has a life.  Not to add negativity, but you are right, if his health starts to fail, this will go from bad to worse.  I simply cannot understand people who are happy to feather their own nests at the inconvenience and unhappiness of others.  My FIL lives with us, and he is not able bodied, and it drives me NUTS.  I agreed to bring him back to our town 2 years ago as he cannot live alone; however, I did not anticipate that after 2 years we would still be sitting here like this, and like your FIL, he is happy as a turtle in the sun....  I know he is not happy with his physical condition, no one would be - however, the obvious toll it has taken on our marriage are apparent. 
The upshot of this whole matter is that everyone's feelings need to be heard and considered into the situation.  Does your wife fully understand what "in it for the longhaul" may mean?  And what about the sacrifice to your children?  While no one else can tell you what to do, I would suggest talking with your wife about counseling, etc.  Maybe she can see how this is affecting the bigger picture?  I would find it hard to put up with helping a parent who refuses to help his own wife when she was ill, he was capable, and now sponging off your family.  Best of luck to you, and keep us posted please.

How old are your children? Think about your children, put them first.

Before you leave see an attorney about spousal support, where the children would live etc. If you leave and they stay with your wife, how is that helping them?

Many men leave their spouse because they couldn't stand it, and leave helpless children right there in the mess. Could you afford a place for the children to stay with you on what you are making while you are in school? Would she let you have them full time? Do you have time for them and your studies too? I guess what I am saying is maybe it is time for you to step up and focus on taking care of the children since you say she isn't. Pretend that you are already living alone with your children. That way, the children won't be pulled from house to house.

My heart goes out to you. Get some counseling for yourself now. A good counselor can also help you map out a plan of action. I wish your wife would go to grief counseling, but she probably won't. Go yourself now before it is too late.

You're getting a lot of well-meaning advice here suggesting that you tell your wife how to handle her dad. Speaking from personal experience, I can advise that you DON'T DO THAT. Please. My guess is she's already doing the best she can.

However, you're entitled to expect that the FIL situation be tolerable to you. Just keep in mind, despite her guilt and devotion, the situation is not tolerable for her either.

Sounds like the ideal situation for you is that FIL just moves out. Is that feasible? Have a calm (lay some ground rules first) discussion about it with your wife. What changes would make dad's presence in the house tolerable? Make a plan. Then, YOU go to FIL with the plan (she's too entrenched with dad's needs and expectations). Explain (CALMLY) that the current situation is not working for the whole family. And, good news!, here's a plan for how we can all live together successfully (Hint - he's got to take care of his own needs - if that can't happen, it's time to talk about him moving out to a community living situation or bringing in home care). Your wife can't continue to be the peace-maker, bread-winner, care-giver. it will kill her.

ps - If you're "contemplating leaving," then you two need counseling. Fast. Don't lay that on your wife. Without offering a solution, it's just a threat.

As a wife who has her own turtle at home. I don't know what I would do WITHOUT my husband. He doesn't do as much as I'd like, however, his support is the one thing I can consistently count on and rely on - He has surely been on the back burner for a while. I feel horrible about that. The choice is the turtle because the husband can take care of himself for now. The "turtle" is, in my case, helpless and lost and grieving and ill. The loss of the other parent is looming and that in itself is a tremendous loss and mind games, guilt, etc all come together to make any decision or future planning difficult. Not sure how old he is or if he has health problems, but why not start looking around now for plan B for him. She will definitely get defensive because we all think we can handle this = we can handle everything. Thats how we end up in these messes! Perhaps if you put it to her in a way that sounds like you have her and his best interest in mind as well as your future. Number one, get him busy doing something where your wife does not have to wait on him hand and foot. Any chance at all of a weekend away alone with her? How about Cognitive evaluation for him? Lots of good suggestions here. My turtle unexpectedly became very very ill. What started as "helping" after the loss of her spouse/grieving has now become 24/7 invalid, care. Ballooned into a nightmare where things have only become harder and more stressful. I would welcome any help any time. Try to look at things differently. She really needs you and this is the hardest thing she has ever had to deal with I would dare to say

I would recommend that you hire a Geriatric Care Manager. This person could evaluate your father in laws situation and make recommendations. You can go on-line to the Aging Life Care Association and find a case manager in your area. Case Mangers are experts in handling situation like this.

How long has it been since the MIL passed? Could he be depressed? Depression makes people not want to do anything or even talk. Are you sure hes not suffering? Hes probably known his,wife a long time. And hes also reminded hes not getting any younger.
If that is not the case, men of that generation had wives to take care of them. They think its a women's natural job. As if all women want to do this. That is not the case with a lot of women. No it is not.

You also said your wife is feeling guilty. If push comes to shove, she will probably choose her dad over you. Because she would be kicking a lonely old man out of the house, to live by himself. No friends and not knowing anyone in the area. To her it would probably sound cruel. She will see you as heartless.

What is she supposed to do for you? Take care of you instead of her dad? Seems like you might be in the same boat as the dad. Thinking a woman is there to see to all your needs? She is pulled in 4 directions. Her dads needs, your needs, the kids needs, and the job. That is a lot for 1 person.
What are you doing to help her, the family? You might be doing a lot for them. If so that is helping her a lot. She has everyone on hwr shoulders.

I wouldnt give her an ultimatum. Id have a discussion to get the dad some help if he is depressed. If not, then he might benifit from adult day care for other human interaction. Gives the wife and family a break. And should help him feel better about himself. Take an interest in life again.

If hes not depressed, then say to the wife, he needs to start helping with the family. Interacting. He is not a guest. Do it nicely.

Having parents come live with you is extremely stressful. Ultimatums wont end well. You have to nicely get your wife to see that her dad needs help. Im sure she will feel better if her dad is doing better. And she is the one getting him help, or a social life. It will then benifit everyone in the family.

Listen to everything TNtechie has written. You will be much happier with yourself if you approach the issues in the way described. You will also gain more cooperation from your wife that way. Your FIL may be a little harder but with your wife’s assistance it will work better. Look at it this way, you aren’t kicking your FIL out of your home, you are helping him be independent and involved in life.

Call her bluff and have the hard conversation with your fil. Tell him he either makes himself a productive member of the household or he finds other accommodations. If he balks start making living in your home very uncomfortable for him. He stays because he has a cushy gig. Make it unpleasant for him.

To get past your wife's defensiveness, I recommend you start the conversation by agreeing with your wife that you are in it for the long haul. This is her father and you children's grandfather; his "presence" in their lives and your own isn't going away ever - even after his death. I encourage you to give up your anger over past issues like her parents moving in without informing you of your MIL's health issue before hand. The past is in the past and expressing your anger or wasting time discussing the past just inhibits your discussion of the present and future and separates you and your wife emotionally. Although they moved to "help" your family, if you wife had known her mother had a terminal illness she would have likely wanted her mother to move with you anyway. How you got to this situation isn't as important as how you get out of it with your family intact.

Please consider that your FIL may have some depression and early dementia. Not being able to care for his wife during her illness may not have been laziness, it could have been the loss of executive function and inability to learn new things that denotes the onset of cognitive decline. Sometimes the elderly spouse just has difficulty learning new skills while under the pressure/distress of their LO's illness. My grandfather was very willing and physically capable but still struggled to learn some base housekeeping chores as my grandmother's health declined. Depression causes a lack of initiative that can be mistaken as laziness too.

Discuss how your FIL's constant presence in your home is impacting your wife's energy levels and her time/efforts with your children. Tell her you miss spending time with her and the kids doing something you used to do and haven't been able to for a while now. You are concerned over how much this is impacting her life and health. Please refrain from expressing your anger over the situation, express your concern for your family, including your FIL. Your wife may feel guilty for the things she isn't doing with/for your kids so be careful not to state things in any way that could be considered criticism. Your FIL is isolated living in your home and not interacting with the family or any peers. He may be depressed and enabling him to avoid others may actually be deepening his depression and/or preventing him from processing his grief. Getting out of the house would be in your FIL's best interest too.

In the short term, getting FIL into an adult day care or senior center program during the day would allow your wife to return to full time work and provide FIL with a chance to start building relationships with his peers.

I suggest you focus on getting FIL out of your house while acknowledging that when you move again, FIL will be moving with you just not back into your home. Check the area out for low income senior apartments. Acknowledge your wife will be spending time helping her father in his apartment. See what services FIL qualifies for - some services may be available in his apartment. Maybe FIL can afford some housekeeping services. Start the Medicaid qualification process and a full evaluation of FIL's physical and mental status. Your wife may take it better when a health care professional tells her your FIL needs AL or MC.

If FIL is depressed or in some form of early dementia, talking with him will probably not help. If you do talk with him, please try to refrain from an angry tone and try to be matter of fact over the changes that need to be made for his benefit.

Please remember that you can be 100% factually correct and still blow the conversation with the wrong emotional approach. Your number one goal needs to be getting to a point you can discuss FIL with your wife. Dealing with FIL is really a secondary goal that can be achieved when you two are working better together.

Good luck in this difficult journey.

OP - certainly a bad situation. I can recognise some of my own Dad here (fortunately, he doesn't live with us) where his attitude is that he knows hes causing hassle but pretty much puts himself first. Wifes mother also has these sort of traits at times. As other have said though, if you leave he may well get exactly what he wants. Your wife to himself without you in the way.

We've also had issues with wifes mother (not that bad) but I could see things from my wifes perspective and I think your wife might be thinking the same. Whatever he does, hes her Dad and she doesnt want to upset him. You on the other hand are the SIL.

If you upset him and he never speaks to you again so what? Sounds like your wife has given you free reign to be the "bad one". So go for it. If it works out then the end result may be him out of the house, you never speaking to him again (are you bothered?), but importantly for your wife shes still blameless (apart from, in his eyes, being married to an asshole!).

Its worked for us in the past. I get on OK with MIL generally but once or twice I've had to be "bad cop" rather than let wife fall out with her mother. She probably talks about me behind my back but so what - I dont care really.

Cognitive decline also means reverting to childhood, and aging parents--thanks to medical advances--is part of life, as is dealing with elder kin. "For better or for worse" is just a part of marriage, but I would advise you to seek marriage counseling. Perhaps your marriage problems go beyond your wife's folks.

I care for my 89-year-old mom with advanced Alzheimer's and I have to do everything for her include feed her, give her her medications, and she cannot even toilet herself without my help. I walk her daily to preserve what she's got left. She 100% consumes my life because she can't help it.--and let me drive that point across--she can't help the way she is. Yet I am glad I still have her, because she is my mom and I love her dearly, and if I were given the choice between her and marriage, I choose my mom because you only have one mom for all eternity, and bugger marriage if I had to make that choice. You just think about that too.

J, your wife has an enmeshed relationship with her father. Her father sounds as though he may have some narcissistic traits, and possibly some cognitive decline.

I would urge you to set up a cognitive evaluation for your FIL and get him to a geriatric psychiatrist for an evaluation of his mental heath. Figure out what his impairments are before you try to move him out. These evaluations will make finding the right "fit" for him a bit easier.

Your wife has empowered you to make decisions about her father, apparently. It sounds very much as though she is terrified of his disapproval and anger.

Get those appointments set up today (it usually takes weeks to months to get an appointment, so don't think that this is going to be a short, or easy road) and let us know what the findings are.

I am sorry that you are in this situation.
I don't think you moving out is the right answer. (As of yet)
As Isthisrealyreal stated, you do have the right to talk to fil and tell him he needs to move out. And I have to agree that if you move out your giving that person what he wants.
However, you may find yourself getting some backlash from your wife.
There is something you are not seeing, I think there is an underlying emotional need here between your wife and her father. I don't know what that is, but if she is doing this to get his love or approval, It won't happen! It is just how it is.
You may want to talk to her. Yes, I know she doesn't want to talk about it, but prehaps you could start by telling her that she means the world to you and that you are on her side. You just want to have an open discussion about fil living arrangements. That you would like to come up with a game plan that the both of you can live with. If she states, "we're in for the long haul", than you can simple say, "yes, but we are parners, we have to take eachother into consideration when making decisions. And remind her that these decisions affect the children.
I don't think your wife gets what it takes to care for an elderly parent. I myself am fairly new and I knew it would be hard, but reading these post throughout this site is down right scarring.
However, if all things fail you protect youself and your kids. I can from a dysfunctional family, and when I was teenager I use to wish my parents would get a divorce. I believe that my parents had gotten a divorced it would have been the best thing for the family. And I believe this up until my father passed away four yrs ago.
If wife wants to go down the rabbit hole than she goes alone.
Take care of you children and yourself.

Good Luck

Ugh! Your father in law is selfish, seld-centered jerk.

He is using his daughter as his woman and quite frankly, there is something far wrong in that.

If you leave, he gets exactly what he wants, her all to him self.

She has given you permission to speak freely to him, do it.

FIL you are applying for Medicaid and you are moving, period.

You made your choices and had your life and as THE MAN OF THE HOUSE I will not let you do this to my wife, my children or myself.

You sit on your lazy azz and expect everyone to jump to your tune, not here. You will be going into a facility in xx days and there, you can behave in any manner you choose.

I would also tell your wife to let him do for himself, that both her parents set you guys up shows there is no integrity and no respect.

Both her parents should be ashamed of doing what they did.

Time to cut the apron strings and put this narly old man in his place, as an unwanted guest in your home on his way to a facility.

I would also warn him about harassing your wife and kids before he leaves, that's a 5 minute drive to the homeless shelter.

From all you said, you are going to have to be strong and determined to get this deadbeat dad out the door.

Let us know what you do, we are all cheering you on to success.

Wow, I feel so badly for you. I am by no means a marriage counselor. But it sounds like you want to approach this as a team effort, but your wife wants you and the turtle to work it out between you and dad, making you the bad guy? And you’ve said you tried that but he doesn’t care. So I think I would suggest clarifying in your own mind and then on paper what You feel are acceptable actionable items that you could live with.

These are just random options. I’m sure there’s more/better:
Hiring X hours of caregiving to help take the burden off your wife (who still works part time?)
Sending Dad to daycare X hours a week.
Investigating local Assisted living scenarios so he doesn’t have to “do it on his own”.
Cutting back or stopping any caregiving that you may currently do for him, and turning it over 100% to wife.
Get out of the house daily with your kids, doing Dad things, leaving wife to deal with her Dad.

I think you you need to decide what you can live with. And then present that to your wife, in those terms. She’s going to muddle along as long as you do.