I grew up in a household where my mother’s form of nurturing was with the belt and gaslighting. I was blamed for quite a lot. I became the family scapegoat. I eventually moved away to escape my mother’s and my grandparents’ controlling behavior. To this day, many decades later I am treated by my siblings in that manner.
I put my household in storage and moved from out of state to help care for my mother who has been diagnosed with vascular dementia. It has been a challenge. My time is not my own and the only respite I have is when I’m in the shower or in bed. I’ve started slowly to get out for a break. I’m always walking on eggshells with my family to the point that I do not wish to be around them for any family gatherings. They never ask me how I’m holding up and my brother always has some form of feedback when it comes to my mother’s care. For example I went out to get something to eat while her caretaker was here. He told me to make certain to bring back something for my mother. I would never neglect my mother. I never get thanked for any updates I provide to them. I feel like I’m their employee instead of a member of the family. I’m not a trained caregiver so I do the best I can do for my mother. I’m only about three months into this and the stress is building up.
You have been through way too much. Somehow, you need to be kind to yourself when all is said and done (like me... us caregivers). You deserve heaven here on earth.
Today, my mother asked me to buy here 2 $20 scratch lotto tickets... (this is a lot of money as far as I'm concerned to throw away... especially, when she's living here as a Queen... I pay for 99.9% of everything... she doesn't have much)... When I came home and gave her her tickets... AND, after she scratched them and I'm assuming were loosers... she told me "I never would have bought 'this' kind'... Believe me... I am still not happy... with her...
My siblings blatantly ignore me also,,, I'm learning the hard way not to care any more... I really don't have a choice...
That's how it is when you're treated as a 'scapegoat'... which is TOTAL DISRESPECT.
I guess this is how this world is...
If your mother is not carrying her share of the bills then I would not buy her any scratch offs.
You have taught people how to treat you, if you do not like what is happening change it.
Only you can change this, no one should allow disrespect.
Just today I got really mad at mom. Mom is "nice" when everything goes smoothly, but has never admitted or believed she ever does anything wrong. Can't think about her behavior--needs to be praised. My sister causes problems all the time by not cooperating with my small requests (give me advance notice if she wants to come over) and just recently told me I have a victim mentality. Well, I don't know--I've had cancer, chemo and a double mastectomy, my husband died by suicide after two years of marriage while we were building our "dream home" after a time apart because of business, and now I'm caring for my mom 24/7 while doing a full-time job. And I'm doing it and I'm really not complaining (because they don't even speak to me, so how can I complain), but a little empathy, compassion and HELP once in a while would be great. No way.
Today I told mom I thought it was horrible that my sister said that, since she never has done much to help in two years and she has no filter and feels entitled to say whatever she wants--and my mother always, always sticks up for her. She could murder me and my mother would say, "I don't take sides." I say I expect her to agree with what is RIGHT. It doesn't matter what she does to me, I am never validated, never stood up for, and made out to be the villain. It's always been this way--my sister does horrible things and there are/were never any consequences, not as children or now as seniors. She's stolen from me, posted horrible things on Facebook that aren't true, and bad-mouthed me to my nieces and nephews. My mom knows all this and ignores it and gets angry when I get upset about it. I only get complete denial in response like I'm out of my mind. I sacrificed my retirement and took in my mom in the middle of deep grief. I do everything for her to try to keep her safe and happy and she still never sticks up for me when I'm wronged or abused (I do see a therapist because of my husband and a grief counselor and they both concur) It's demoralizing, depressing and maddening. I'm completely invisible except when I'm justifiably angry & then I'm wrong. I'm sorry for anyone else that has to suffer through this.. It's so unfair. I wish I never ever took my mother into my home. She has physical disabilities that made her leave AL (because they refused to help with a colostomy and she's in a wheelchair). Her mind is there so I felt bad putting her in a nursing home on Medicaid where I thought she wouldn't have anyone to talk to. I was so involved with my husband the 5-6 years before his death, I forgot how awful it is to be in a relationship with them and how they made me feel. I got used to my husband and altho I always knew he was a nice person, forgot how great it was when he took me "away" physically and emotionally from them. Now that I'm back, I'm going crazy. It's like I'm in the Twilight Zone. It's all black but everyone keeps telling me it's white.
When my siblings come to visit, they don't even say hello to me, just walk in the door like I'm a doormanl. If I try to set boundaries they say they will report me to senior services --they want open access to my house 24/7 even when I'm not here and I refused.. They can come 5/7 nights a week or anytime 3 days a week which they didn't come near to doing before. When this is over, I am gone.
https://www.identifyandheal.co.uk/adult-scapegoat-daughter/
"Siblings are an integral part of narcissistic supply for the narcissistic mother. The Adult Scapegoat Daughter due to her position of vulnerability and powerlessness as a child, becomes the target for her siblings and mothers psychological cohesion into adulthood. All of the behaviours and emotional distress that we were subjected to by our siblings and mother during childhood, do not just vanish in a puff of smoke as we reach womanhood, unfortunately. Sadly adulthood for the scapegoated daughter in a narcissistic family does not change, it in fact becomes worse.
Our siblings will go to great lengths to damage our self-confidence and self-worth, to fortify their own. They are forever imprinted and conditioned by narcissistic mother to try to undermine and compete with us in any way, shape or form that they are able to, and their jealousy and envy of the scapegoat runs deep and it never diminishes. This abuse can present in many forms, both covertly and overtly."
God bless you for being a Christian and forgiving your parents. If that's what worked and helped you to heal from the heinous abuse your parents were the perpetrators of then good for you. What worked for you doesn't work for everyone. There's a reason why my favorite story is 'The Count Of Monte Cristo'. Some people heal when they know things are even.
sp19690 is also right too. Whatever helps the person heal from the abuse is what's right.
Best Wishes... and, love for Christmas and the new year...
You are absolutely right about everything. All too often family scapegoats allow themselves to be roped into caregiving. It is because we still try for the acceptance, validation, and yes love, that our parents and siblings deny us. The best day of any family scapegoat's life is when they finally realize that no matter what they do, they will never get it. That sets you free.
FunkyGrandma,
I normally agree with you on most things, but you're dead wrong on this one. NightHeron is right. Everyone does not deserve the best possible care from their family or any for that matter. No one has to live with abuse and disrespect either, no matter how needy their elderly "loved one" is.
Whatever PMoskowitz's motives for being the caregiver, the mother and siblings are the ones who are benefitting.
Our beloved seniors should have given a thought about how they treated their kids and family before they became needy and elderly. If their children weren't given the best care possible by them when they were needly little kids, how can they expect it from them when those kids are grown and their time of need is here?
Don't expect from others what you were unwilling to give yourself.
Some people only deserve to have their basic needs met and nothing more. You get what you give in life.
I will use myself as the example here. I was sexually abused by my father since I was 5 years old and it continued until I was 16, and I had a mother who knew it was going on, but chose to do nothing about it. Was I angry as hell as I grew up? You bet ya I was, and didn't want anything to do with them as I got older.
Through my support group for survivors of childhood sexual abuse, I learned however that in order for me to heal and be whole that I needed to forgive both of them, which I eventually did, though it took me many years to really mean it.
I still however chose to remain out of their lives as it was just healthier for me to do so.
So as they got older and required some care, though I still chose not to be in their lives, that didn't mean that I wished them harm, or that I didn't want them to receive the best care possible, which they did receive, just not from me.
And even though some might say, well they deserved to receive just the basics in care, after what they did to me, I disagree, because when you've truly forgiven someone for the wrong they did to you, you do in fact want the best for them, despite what's been done to you.
As the golden rule says, we should do unto others as we would want them to do unto us, not as they've done to us. And that is a rule I try hard to live by. So for that reason, I will stand by my saying that we will have to agree to disagree on this one.
My advice. Cut ties with them. That's what I'm doing. They can't insult you or treat you bad if you aren't near.
Fortunately in my case my mom has passed already so I don't need to deal with my siblings. It's not fortunate she's gone. I miss her always. But there is that bright side!
It's a little hard to tell if you are deciding to stay or want to opt out at this point. I can say that your siblings will not value what you do until they are in your shoes. (I used to inform my siblings with updates as you did, rarely even got a reply. Got the most "feedback" from the sibling who was least involved). My solution to this - stop updating them. If they want to know something, they can call you and ask.
You chose the responsibility to oversee your mother's care, but that doesn't mean you can't ask for help. Whether that help is more hired aid, or whether you can muster the courage to ask your siblings to pitch in - please do one or the other - or BOTH. I can assure you that as time goes by, your Mom's needs will increase; and you will feel those walls closing in on you if you don't get more support.
When you ask for your siblings help, give clear suggestions on what you want them to do - whether it be relieving you every other weekend, or taking Mom to appointments, or food shopping, etc. Only you know what would help you and what each sibling would be able to reasonably handle. If they refuse, or give a bunch of excuses, then inform them that you must use your mother's money to hire more in-home care so you can get some relief. Then DO IT.
Last, if you decide you no longer want to be the live-in caretaker, give your siblings some notice, then prepare to leave. There's no shame in admitting you bit off more than you can chew. Your siblings assessment of you means NOTHING, the bottom line is finding alternative care for your mother - which should be a group effort.
The underlying message here is confidently stand up for yourself. Do it respectfully but confidently, without the anger and angry words I see being advised in many posts here. It's a long road between now and the time your mom passes, and keeping things civil (but distanced if you choose) until the end will be best for all of you. I wish you support and caring on your journey.
When he makes a remark like the 'don't forget to bring mom something to eat', be a little creative and prepared with an answer: Thanks, how nice of you....you did say bring back something and you will pay for the treat. Or, My goodness, does that mean she's supposed to eat everyday??? I wouldn't have known...laugh...laugh.
If they make you feel like an employee - jokingly say, I'm not employed here, I'm a volunteer who is doing the best I can. Or maybe, you know how it is - you get what you pay for.
Have you directly asked any of the other family members to show up on a certain timeframe so you can get out for a day or so? That is really important. Some people are totally oblivious to what someone else is going through. They won't step up on their own, but some will bend if given a certain request for a certain time and date(s).
You are a slave. Your siblings and abusive mother are your masters.
From one scapegoat to another, tell your family and your abusive mother to F-off and walk away. Even if mom is planning on leaving you a nice estate (she likely isn't because family scapegoats never get the money), it's not worth it.
In the meantime, set some serious boundaries and stick to them. You do not answer to your siblings or your mother. You go where you please without explanation and without bringing something back for mom.
And, last but certainly not least, you start demanding payment in cash money for being mom's caregiving services. If this is refused then they may need a practical lesson demonstrating what life becomes if you stop caregiving. Then totally stop. Go on strike. Do absolutely nothing. Don't even get your mother a glass of water. Completely ignore her and them. Leave for a while if you can.
This is what I did and my situation improved a tenfold. You want respect from your family, demand it. How you demand it is leave them all in the weeds for a bit, including mom. When she dishes out the abuse and gaslighting, serve it right back to her with an extra portion. When your siblings behave like ingrates and refuse to help, you tell them that when you call them, they will come. Otherwise mom will be dropped off at a hospital ER and you will ask for a Social Admit because you are unable and unwilling to be her caregiver anymore. Ask them if they're willing to take a chance and see if you will. Then do it if you have to. I don't think you will have to though. Good luck.
Go complete no contact.
Since your family members are not supportive, find your support in other people. Get enough others - friends, members of your faith community, and paid help - to make sure your needs are not neglected. Your health, your needs for positive social interactions, your need for "time off" are as important as caring for your mom's needs.
I have a thought I remind myself when I feel mistreated,
"Living my best life and being my best self is the best form of revenge."
It also helps that I can pray to Christ who totally understands me and helps me to live the thought above.
Hugs 🤗
You moved on to ‘I’ve questioned my motives for wanting to help out. I think perhaps I’m looking for redemption and acceptance. Perhaps also to allow my siblings to see me in a different light’. Now you are not only feeling clearer about your own plans, you feel happier about your relations with your siblings.
That’s a huge shift in just a few days! Well done! We have posters who are stuck in the same place for months or years. I’m sure that we all hope that things continue to go well. Clearly you are very capable of thinking your way out of the problems you encounter, and long may it stay that way! Best wishes, Margaret
That's good to know.
But fyi, your comment about someone else's comments being rude and offensive, show you have plenty of backbone, at least on-line.
Just know that that person was NOT trying to be nasty in thinking that you MIGHT be living with your mom just to "stay living for free". No one knows "you" but after having read these posts for years, there are plenty others who have done this, not because they are "bad" or "selfish" but to help their parent, sometimes sibling.
Most of us on here sincerely want to help and give advice based on the initial question and we probably all read into it based on our individual experiences. So, please don't bite someone's head off when they try to help.
Once you recognized you're the scapegoat, you can walk away ( which you did and very probably would have been my response ), or stay and fight back, or stay and let everyone continue treating you the same.
Not sure I am qualified to give advice, but I've always felt compelled to side with the underdog. And I would strongly encourage you to NOT let everyone continue treating you as they have always done, continuing to be miserable and get to a breaking point. I would want to advise to stand up and "fight"..... hold your ground.
In the first place, when you take time to go out, all you need to do is say you're going out. I wouldn't say anything else. You don't need to explain to anyone.
But once you said that and your brother told you to bring something back, I'd say, oh, sorry, but I won't be coming right back and can't bring leftovers... or something to that effect. Or even, don't say anything, don't answer, just ignore, and forget to do that.
Take time when you're alone, figure out things that are said to you, and come up with a response to have ready. I would suggest practicing this so you can be ready and say things calmly. You don't want to argue, but you need to stand up for yourself. YOU must take care of yourself.
It's kind of like when dating a guy who takes you for granted: stop being so available. As you likely read on this forum, moving in with aging parent or having them move in with you too often leads to trouble. All the best.
If you really DO want want to go down this road, set and maintain BOUNDARIES - you decide what those are. Cut contact if those boundaries not respected. No one controls you but you.
In the end, if this is that stressful, advice your family that you are making plans to remove yourself unless significant help is forthcoming. Make it known that your level of assistance will be equal to theirs. And if they can't agree or understand, then your martyr days should be numbered because I would seriously doubt your family will come to your aid if you become the patient mentally or physically.