I am taking care of my Mom full time (24/7) because of her dementia and macular degeneration. I am a 62 year old male and she is 88. I've been her caregiver for almost 2 years. I realize that due her dementia she sometimes forgets our roles. She tries to treat me as her teenage son and sometimes thinks I am my stepdad. She doesn't like me leaving anywhere by myself and when I do, she often calls me to ask where I am and why I've been gone so long even though it hasn't even been one hour since I've left. She has lately even tried forbidding me to do things.
I have been a single adult male for many years and really liked my lonely life. This is getting harder and harder to do.
The only other solutions are hire a Caregiver which is very expensive or put her in a Senior Place to live.
Talk with her about it, it may be the best solution if there is noone else to help you.
I work as a receptionist in a Memory Care community. Every single day I interact with sons and daughters, wives and husbands, and other loved ones who have had no other choice but to place their family member into care. They came to the realization that they could NOT do it anymore. That the 24/7 care was killing THEM, and that they may pass BEFORE their elder. So, for all the guilt inducing comments you may get here, lay them aside. The truth of the matter is this: Your mother will get to interact daily with people she can relate to. She will have 3 hot meals a day and 3 snacks to enjoy. She will have activities to participate in that will make her happy and keep her occupied. When she tries to wander out alone at night, she won't be able to. When she takes her clothes off in the activity room and tries to urinate on the upholstered chair, thinking it's the toilet, the caregivers will gently & respectfully re-dress her, take her to the real toilet, and give her a hug afterward. She will be cared for and safe. YOU will get YOUR life back and can go visit her daily if you so desire.
It's a win-win situation for BOTH of you. Carefully consider that option, my friend. And leave GUILT out of the equation. It's a useless emotion of no value.
No one can take care of anyone, much less someone with Dementia 24/7 for very long at all.
I guess you have had to retire early or quit your job which is going to hurt your own retirement. Find another way to get her help and go back to work.
Like it or not, you will always be her son and her "little" boy. I had to tell my DH's son the same thing; you will always be his son.
You may have to learn to either ignore her calls or block them.
Since she has macular degeneration as well, she can perceive light and shadow but has problems seeing details. So, it may be hard for her to perceive the passage of time. It probably seems scary to her to not have anybody nearby when she is awake.
It appears you need more "alone time" and mom needs constant "together time". Try to create time slots for yourself to get the "alone time" or "off duty" you desperately crave. If mom can't handle it, you may need to get helpers to be with her during your times away. Ask for help from friends, family, members of your faith group/church... and paid help. Home health aides and adult sitters can be found through home health agencies. Usually the aides will work for 4 hour blocks of time. They can help with dressing, feeding, bathing, cooking, and light housework.
And if I could only add, close your eyes and try to imagine their world, dark, scary, and grasping for the only stable thing they know. It might not change the situation but it might change the perspective.
The only thing you can do is change your reaction.
If this brings up bad memories try to change the subject or focus on something good from that time.
If she thinks you are her recently divorced husband you can try to gently remind her that you are her son..or you can just go along as long as this is not upsetting to her or you. You can then try to deflect and refocus her on something else. A favorite snack maybe?
When you leave, is someone with her? If not maybe it is time that you have a caregiver come in to help.
she calls you because you are her safety net. She can trust you and she knows she is safe with you.
What types of thins is she not allowing you to do? If it is related to her care maybe having someone help would change her demands.
If it is personal things she will not let you do you still need to live your life. Having a caregiver come in will give you a break so you can go do things that you would like to do. And she does not need to know that you went to dinner and a movie with a friend you can just tell her you are going out.
This will get harder and harder. Have you figured out at what point you are not going to be able to do it all and will have someone come in, or would you opt for placing her in Memory Care
It’s so hard being in the caregiver position.
Don’t feel guilty taking a break. All caregivers need breaks.
Do you have any help in caring for your mom? I just read your profile saying that you shut down your business to care for your mom. I appreciate that you care about your mother but that is a huge sacrifice!
Is it possible for you to place her somewhere to be cared for so you can resume your life and then you will take the position of being her son back, instead of the very difficult role of caregiver?
This is especially hard on you due to her having dementia.
I cared for my mom for a bazillion years. I did burn out. Please take care of yourself. Giant hugs!
You cannot really expect her to recognise faces reliably, either. I believe there are specially adapted spectacles you can get to experience what various eye conditions are like to live with. Try the macular degeneration one for yourself and see how good you are at identifying individuals at various ages.
And this is going to get worse.
So... not to depress you... what will you do? Have you researched other care options for your mother?
What's this about the divorce, by the way - your stepfather left your mother and divorced her, what, *because* of the dementia? Seriously???
I think that you are reaching the time that you may understand your own limitations. Please pay attention now to your own life. Do the best you can for your Mom with placement, with visits. But it is the job of a parent to raise us. It isn't our job to give the rest of our life up to the parent. At 88 she has a good decade left to live in some likelihood, and you will be 72 by then.
I am wishing you the best of luck. None of this is easy. It is all very very hard.