My wife (F50) and I (M53), who both suffer from anxiety and depression already, are taking care of her mother (F70). My wife is an only child. MIL is firmly in the moderate to severe spectrum of the disease (more toward severe). She has also lived with us for 25+ years and gets a meager SSN check each month. We have power of attorney.
We already live paycheck to paycheck, so paying for assisted living is not possible for us right now. Maybe 2 years down the road we could, but right now no. The problem is I work remotely and trying to perform my job while keeping her from doing things she shouldn't has become a task I don't know if I can keep on doing. We can't afford for either of us to leave our job to be full time caregivers. I don't want to lose my job trying to also take care of her.
I am probably going to look for a therapist for myself. I don't think I would ever do anything bad, but I must be honest that I no longer know how to find peace.
How do we get help? What are our options? We live in Virginia now but moved here recently from KY. MIL has a sister, but she can barely take care of herself on disability.
It has gotten to the point where neither of us would be very upset to have her out of the house. We feel bad about that, but we don't know what else to do.
Your MIL is only 70. She could conceivably live another two decades. This is not sustainable for he two of you. She needs now to begin the application process for Medicaid in your state. I doubt there is any difficulty with her failing to quality.
My best to you. Don't throw some of the best and most free years of your life on the burning funeral pyre of someone who, sadly, has had her life. There are people qualified, ready and able to care for her.
With you and your wife both suffering from depression and you having some not very healthy thoughts, you can no longer go on caring for MIL in your house.
Good Lord...she has lived with you for 25+ years already, I'd be losing my mind too, and especially now that she has dementia.
There is help out there. You can call your local Area Agency on Aging, and they can help you. Also just calling your MIL's doctor can get the ball rolling in getting her placed and the social workers at all of facilities can help you with the Medicaid process if needed.
You and your wife should never have to pay one penny towards your MIL's care. That will have to now be on the government since she doesn't have much money.
Please don't feel bad about wanting her out of your house, you and your wife both deserve now to finally have some peace after all these years.
But please don't neglect your own mental health. Do whatever you need to to get back on the road of joy and peace.
God bless you all.
When my Dad was failing after a couple of years I couldn’t take care of him. His nurse that came told me I needed to take care of me. And the next time he fell or got hurt to call an ambulance let them take him to the hospital. You go and tell the doctors you can’t take care of him. And walk away! Was so hard to do that but it was the best for him and me. I got my sanity back and he got taken care of better than I alone could take care of him.
Medicaid pays for the cost of care for income eligible patients who can no longer care for themselves. You will probably have options: A paid caregiver who comes to the home, ( sometimes a family member can be the paid caregiver), or placement in a Nursing Home. I am not sure whether Medicaid pays for Assisted Living, I think not.
Your MIL's social security income will go entirely toward the cost, then medicaid makes up the difference that she can't afford. So if you have been counting on her income to help with your household expenses, prepare to get by without that extra income.
Depending on the Home Based Community Services program in the state where you live, in some states you could keep mom at home, and be paid to be her full time caregiver. That will help to replace your lost income if you have to leave your job. But, check first what they will pay for, and what her spend-down cost will be before you consider quitting your job to stay home with her.
We lived in Minnesota when my 54 yr old husband, bedridden after a stroke, was kicked out of the nursing home for his behavior. I ended up quitting my job to stay home with him and was able to be paid for 40 hours of caregiving a week. The county social worker determined the amount of his SS disability which had to be spent down before Medicaid benefits could be paid, including my income. But in our case, it was enough for us to live on, since all his medical supplies were 100% paid for - medications, diapers, wipes, Boost Nutritional drink, and he was allowed a portion of his SS income due to our income and expenses.
Every state runs their medicaid program differently. I'm not familiar with Virginia's handling of funds for home caregiving.
My husband and I have since moved to Arizona. I am still able to be paid as his full time caregiver, but the state's rules are a little different.
Find a memory care facility nearby and ask them to help her apply for Medicaid so that she can be admitted. There should be a social worker who can assist with this process. Many facilities will go ahead and admit her as "Medicaid pending". It is nearly impossible to try and work full time while taking care of someone with dementia.
NOTE: Never sign that you are financially liable for the nursing home bill. Get medical and financial power of attorney so that you can sign on her behalf. Then always sign as poa.
Each state administers Medicaid slightly differently but if she had only her social security and no assets, she should qualify for Medicaid in any state. You need to get her doctor or better yet a neurologist or geriatric doctor to give her a complete physical to see what her mental status is currently as she may or may not be appropriate for Assisted Living at this juncture. In NJ relatively few ALs or MCs accept Medicaid for initial entries (some may accept Medicaid after a resident has been a private pay for 2 years) however, there are SNF/LTC facilities that have MC units on their site. Contact your local Office on Aging to:
*get a list of a facilities
*begin the Medicaid application for MIL
One of your first steps will be to get a current physical and mental evaluation of your MIL. That will point you toward the right direction for a facility for her. At the same time, contact the Office on Aging to get information on resources and a possible social worker who can help you sort through things.
*Remember, if MIL can't sign for herself, you sign ONLY as her POA!!!!!
Take care of yourself and get the counseling you need. You can do this. It's like riding out the storm to see the brilliance of the sun after the dark clouds.
Peace and please keep us updated on how things are progressing
Or call your local Area Agency on Aging (Google them) and they can help you maybe get hospice care in your home (Medicare pays for that). It wouldn’t be full time help, but any help is good. They can also advise on if you could qualify for any grants to help you financially to hire a care giver at home. Besides nursing help, hospice also offers a social worker, who can also help and even a chaplain that comes to your home.
Remember, hospice is not just for end of life, they also offer palliative care. A hospice evaluation is free and they will tell you if you qualify. Again, contact your Area Agency on Aging to get started.
In the meantime, contact the Alzheimer's Association for ideas and support that might be available in your area. The Alz Assoc is very helpful with ideas and resources for caretakers even when the patient is not specifically diagnosed with Alzheimers.
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