How do I feel good about what I do for my husband? He deliberately ruins anything I feel good about in a passive aggressive way.

Hi Sharon
I am so glad you have found this forum and that you are now cancer free. I can only imagine how difficult your life has been for the past several years.

I’m not sure you can feel good about caring for your husband.
It takes a long time to get over betrayal if we ever can. I am so sorry that happened to you.

Are you still in love with him? You speak of your therapists as in the past tense. Have you stopped therapy?

What would you like to do at this time? You must have considered many options.

I hope we can help you sort out a way forward and to feel better soon. Big hugs.

Thanks so much, hearing from you and knowing that you understand means the world tome. I don’t see any therapists now, that was during my first year with cancer. Yes I am still in love with him. But it makes me feel bad, not good. And I am embarrassed to talk about it with people who know us because I feel like they will just think I am being stupid to stay. I want to keep him at home with me for as long as I can. I have already gotten a wheelchair and a Hoyer lift. The last time he was sick he got so weak and unsteady and since then he has been weak and incontinent. I have a brother that will stay with him if I need to, but he lives an hour away and he does not have a car and he is in his 70’s like my husband. I am 67. I am tired. My brother has always been there for me. I won’t ask unless I have to.

I'm glad you feel less alone. No-one has to be alone in this world, but sometimes we have to be the ones to make the effort to connect with others. You are!

Do you have friends neaby to spend time with? Other groups or hobbies?

Dementia progresses. Your husband's world will keep shrinking.

But it will be healthy for you to keep expanding your life.

Reaching out here to talk to people is a very good step forward Sharon and you will find lots of kindness, understanding and advice. You will find people here have different suggestions for you so concentrate on those that seem to offer workable advice for you in your chosen current caretaking route. But listen too to the others as your situation may have to change as time moves on. You sound like a really kind person who has gone through some hard times. It is admirable that you want to care for your husband in the way you are doing, and to spare your brother where you can, but to be a good caregiver you need to respect yourself. When a caregiver is not respected by the person they care for (either because that person is being mean or because their brain is impaired by dementia) then it is very, very important that they have other areas in their life where they receive that respect. Beatty gives you good advice here. And how about making a regular arrangement with your brother? That way he feels good about supporting you and you get a regular rest - and chance to meet people who like and respect you - that you can plan for and look forward to. Do keep everyone here updated.

Your husband sounds like he is a narcissist and that will only get worse with his dementia.
And the fact that he loves you now, is only because he's terrified of being alone with his demented mind. And the fact that you say that you love him still, makes me wonder if you really do, or are staying now out of guilt because of his dementia diagnosis.
But regardless, you now have to do what is best for you and your physical and mental health. And if that is leaving him and having him placed in the appropriate facility...so be it.
At this point with the way he's treated you, you really don't owe him anything, but you do owe yourself a lot better.
People with dementia only get worse, never better, and 40% of caregivers will die before the person they're caring for with dementia due to stress related issues. Please don't let that be you.

Why are you still with him? Why do you need a vicious and abusive person in your life?

You say you're retired and that means you have your own income. Walk away. He has dementia now so there's supposed to be nothing but patience, compassion, and tender-loving caregiving from you?

Go see a divorce lawyer. After what you've been through you deserve to have some measure of happiness in this life and to feel good about life.

He didn't take care of you and was cruel through your cancer ordeal. You don't owe him a damn thing, sister. Let his a$$ get put in memory care and you go on a vacation. Take a silver singles cruise if you're retirement age. People do those all the time to make friends and find companionship. Good luck.

First thing you do is the next time he goes to the ER or is admitted you need to talk to the Social Worker and or the Discharge Planner and make it very clear that you can not SAFELY care for him at home.
(Safety does not necessarily mean physical safety but mental and emotional safety) It sounds like your husband is cruel and this will not get better as his dementia progresses and you do not need the verbal abuse escalate to physical abuse.
You also need to talk to an Elder Care Attorney and make sure that you have all the papers in place if you do need to place him in Memory Care.

If your husband is a Veteran contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission and they can help determine what benefits he and you may be entitled to. (VA is now paying Spouses to care for the Veteran) The VA may be a little help or it may be a LOT depending if they can attribute any of his medical conditions to a "service related disability"

Respectfully, as I read below you claim you still love him... what you have is a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship. It's not love. That's not what love looks or feels like. Please consider therapy so that you can find and defend healthy boundaries with him (and probably other people).

BetterHelp.com is an affordable, accessible online resource for counselors. So, there's no excuse for you to make yourself #1 priority while you still have time.

I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as your rescue yourself and not him.

You have given enough to him and deserve to be happy, not used.

You have the guidance of what sounds like a really decent therapist.
You have a decade of abuse.
You have been through cancer treatments. My own experience of having had cancer is that it often helps us hone down our lives to what is IMPORTANT and teaches us not to waste time on the "wasters" in life.

Through all of that you have remained with this man. That has been your choice.
He now has dementia. He may well change, but not for the better.

You are an adult. You are responsible to make your own decisions for your own life.
While people can attempt to help and guide you (your therapist, especially), they cannot "do the work" for you.
You will decide for yourself what is best for you. I trust you to do make your own decisions.
I can only wish you the best of luck.
We all have tough decisions to make in our own life; only we ourselves can know what is the best choice for us. And only we, ourselves, have to live with our own decisions.

Best of luck out to you.

I think that I am stuck in the past in regard to my husband and my marriage. It was wonderful as far as I can see for 20 years and I thought it was good for another 10 until I got cancer and learned that was not true.

I don’t want to believe it and I continue to be the wife I always was to him. I do want to go to a counselor again and try to work towards seeing and feeling and dealing with what is reality now, not something and someone that is gone. It breaks my heart.

I am seeing my brother once a week now. We have always been close. The COVID epidemic was new while I was going through all of this, and for over a year I did not see him or my friends. I am glad to have this forum now. I am relieved to not be alone with all of this anymore.

I agree with needing to reconnect with my friends and brother and I agree with needing counseling. Thank you for telling me your honest reaction and thoughts on my situation. Thank you for your support.

I know too that my husband has had physical problems and personal tragedy and loss and that made and makes me sad for him and helps me to excuse and make excuses for him. I never imagined that he would not be there for me when I needed him most. I was always there for him.

I am just starting to think that the why bad things are happening is not as important as the fact that bad things are happening. It doesn’t change anything.

Please start with caring for yourself. You need to be healthy, well-rested, well-fed, and supported in order to deal with long-term illness (yours and/or his). You need a group of encouragers in your life that available most days of the week. These friends and family should give you the supportive love that you need. I am well-supported by friends in my church and I encourage you to find friends in your faith group that can support your spiritually. When you are healthy - physically, emotionally, and spiritually - you can deal with your unhealthy relationship with your husband.

With dementia, most people reach a point where they lose their "social filter." Whatever thoughts that come into their mind are blurted out. If unkind words are infrequent, you can be assured that the person making the statements usually has kind thoughts of others. If you find that all their statements are unkind, you will need to remember that those statements are a reflection of their broken mind and unhealthy perspectives on others. The statements do not reflect the truth about you. Having a group of supportive friends and family helps you to remember what is true, loving, and helpful.

If your husband's language causes you stress all the time,
if he threatens to hurt you or others,
if you feel at risk of harm....
THEN - help find other accommodations for your husband.

In latter stages of dementia, the sufferer will find the world to be confusing and even threatening. There are medications that his doctor can prescribe that will lessen your husband's anxiety/agitation caused by his dementia. Those medications can take time to find the right combination and right dosages. Enlist your doctor's help, BUT never put yourself into a harmful situation.

It's a tricky thing, that give and take in a relationship, when suddenly you have an epiphany that 100% is all on you! Yes, there is an 'awareness', so you doubt an excuse of dementia can cut it, for the cruelty you feel. I've watched my husband, he has emotions enough for our cat that passed, tears for a neighbor that he considered a friend, etc. For me, he's demanding and non appreciative (never hear a 'Thank You') and even cutting his food in smaller bites, due to his constant choking, is indeed an issue for the last several years! The brain and the throat muscles confuse the food and air and swallowing becomes difficult? This is when they will ultimately inhale food in the windpipe and aspirate where it ends up in the lungs and pneumonia will be the result? Doesn't make it easy, as the choking, drooling, snot and spit, is more than I can tolerate at every meal (it's gross) and I lose my appetite! I so understand what is going on, he has no control. He looks the same, but since his brain surgery, he is an imitation of his former self! A few mini-strokes, we thought were seizures? He shakes and coffee will leave a trail across the floor! A given, he drops things, breaks things and he can't bend over to even clean the mess! Sleeps more than usual and yes changes are occurring! He swears he isn't the one leaving a puddle in the bathroom, it must be the cat who died years ago, returning in 'Spirit' form? Better to laugh, as I'd be dehydrated from crying and a shriveled prune by now! Speaking of prunes, he's going to need some, as the groans and grunting through the bathroom door, is evidence of him having issues! If I described what I surmise goes on in there, you would have a visual and be in hysterics, that you will piddle yourself and swear you need adult diapers too! He must have mistaken the shower curtain as toilet paper, and how he managed to get the mess across the tub and onto the tile walls, and up the walls in every direction, I think he passed out and it was a 'fountain' that like lava spewed everywhere! Patience is a virtue, this too shall pass! The vows, of for better or for worse, with the ONLY escape clause, till death do you part, and NO, you can't kill them! If ONLY I knew that the 'I do', would mean I'd DO EVERYTHING? I might have passed and gave myself a brief moment to rethink the commitment? In for the long haul, and will laugh instead of cry, as a good belly laugh might be our cure and keep us relatively sane? Tears will flow, save them as Happy tears, because the oceans are full enough (global warming and icecaps melting). Let the Journey be a learning cure and take care of self! You are strong, capable, responsible and able! Pretend they are 3, let them win the games you play together! No need to stir anger and tantrums. Do what makes you happiest, whether reading, drawing, painting, and creating! Steal your moments for bliss! Let it feed your soul! Be well and kind to yourself, first and foremost! This is not what anyone of us signed up for! God, let you be the Angel for someone else, accept your wings and feathers and wear your halo with pride!

You are a cancer survivor! You came near death and made it back! So your reward is dealing with a lazy backstabber? Who was cruel to you at your darkest hour??

He had his chance. Please believe you have incredible strength, deep down, and stop wasting so much energy on someone who doesn't deserve it.

Strong women like you are able to do so much for others who deserve your wisdom! Hubby needs to find another babysitter.

Surviving cancer was much harder than his crap, so plan a better life you deserve, and make it happen. You are worthy of better things!

I finally (mostly) accepted my husband not caring for me or appreciating all I do for him after he was tested by a neuropsychologist. It was there that I learned names for some of his actions and behaviors and better understood how his dementia was progressing. I finally understood the word "apathy" which is common with Parkinson's related dementia. I can't say I no longer feel resentments at times, but I am learning to keep it more in check. It is very difficult when dementia evolves slowly and is not like a major accident that one day they are fine and the next day they are drastically different... an overnight change would be a bit easier to comprehend. Over the last year, several friends in my support group have lost their spouses with varying degrees of dementia. Recently two ladies lost their husbands fairly close together. I have been trying to see my husband as a blessing when I can go to sleep beside him at night and (some days) that helps me be a bit more patient.

SharonSharon, my heart goes out to you. I know exactly what you are going through and I empathize with you. Your husband is a narcissist and his narcissism will only get worse as his dementia progresses. I have been down this road before and I can relate to what you are experiencing. Nothing you say or do will change who he is. Do not expect any empathy or compassion from him. He only regards you as his servant or slave. You need to save your physical and mental health and do not allow him to break you. Walking away from this marriage is your only hope in finding peace and happiness. You need to go on and live your happy life and let him wallow in his misery.

You have survived cancer and you deserve peace and happiness now in your life.

I have some similarities to your situation, and my heart goes go out to you. I know you’ve probably heard it but you really do have to take care of yourself or the two of you will be in a worse boat really helps you deal with stress? For me, that is my faith and riding my bike. If I could do those two things, my mental health is much better. Maybe you can find some time for what helps you deal with stress and what you enjoy or love. I don’t think we ever change a narcissistic person. I try to remember why he’s like that. Also, a member of Al-Anon, which is helped me to understand that I didn’t cause any of this, I can’t cure or control it either. Hang in there!

I just read your earlier comment to "Taarna"
"I plan to start going to church again soon. Right now all our spiritual involvement is just books and television."

Here are a couple of resources you may want to check out:

https://hopeforthecaregiver.com/ There is a private Facebook page also...
https://www.facebook.com/groups/223124221382780
I love his book "A minute for caregivers, when everyday feels like a Monday." I keep it in the bathroom because even one minute segments can be encouraging, and many times that is the only free minute a caregiver has!

https://theheartofthecaregiver.com/ There is a private Facebook page for this too... https://www.facebook.com/groups/32630411371
I have taken advantage of her small group classes which are interactive.

I avoid large crowds because if my husband even gets a cold it may go into pneumonia. I too have had to seek outside spiritual encouragement and those two resources have been helpful along with our streaming church service. Perhaps a former church offers their services by streaming online, while it would be best to find a local church there is nothing wrong with staying in touch with a former church until you get more rooted where you are. If you are having trouble finding a way to visit new churches, you could look for streaming services and at least get first impressions to know if their style is what you need. Of course there is nothing like meeting the people in person to find the best fit.

Maybe think of it this way…It isn’t about your relationship with your husband. It isn’t about him at all. Forget about him. This is about You. Life has given you a challenge. How do you want to respond? Who do you want to be/become?

First, join a caregiver support group, either online or in person. If this forum helps, a group will REALLY help.

Second, since he’s had the diagnosis, call your local hospice if your husband needs help with showering, toileting etc. Medicare will pay for hospice once a dementia diagnosis is there. Hospice can provide palliative care in your home. (it’s not just for end of life) The hospice will have a nurse and nurse assistants come a help a few times per wk. They will also provide a social worker.

If your husband isn’t needing extra hospice help yet, that’s fine. You can still contact an elder care attorney, get all your finances handled…get a POA, set up a trust to protect any assets you may have. Make it clear you may want out of the marriage.

Finally, once you have some ducks in a row, take a breath and decide what you want to do. From your post, your husband sounds like a user. He is scared now, who wouldn’t be? When you speak with the elder care attorney, mention you have been in a bad marriage and may want out. That way, you finances can be handled correctly. He may advise you to see a divorce lawyer. That is something you need to really think about, but be sure and explain to the social worker (if you use hospice) and the elder care attorney that you are considering a divorce.

Caregiving is the hardest job there is. If your heart isn’t in it, it’s hell and will ruin your life because it could go on for years. Bottom line, you have to take care of you.

A passive aggressive doesn't need dementia or alzheimer for me to make BIG distance away.
That's why it's called "passive."
P/A is evil, cruel, and not to be tolerated for an instant!

Put him in a nursing home and divorce him. You owe him nothing and should have left years ago. Quit feeling sorry for people that just use you.

I think you've done enough. Now is the time to take care of yourself. Not just begin to, but to go for it with your whole heart. He can go to memory care, where they are trained to care for his increasing needs. You can visit him and be his advocate, but not destroy your own well being by being his caregiver. At this point it is seeming too much for you. And you can go back to work and have friends and see your brother more.

SharonSharon: It is imperative that self care be your priority.

See a therapist.
You have allowed him to treat you as he does.
While I realize that a marriage has its ups and downs, each person in the marriage needs to have a sense of self-respect, self-worth, self-care in order to be available to themselves and their spouse.

Yes, it is understandable you are exhausted. Who wouldn't be?
And heartbroken.

Don't waste time blaming yourself - or him. Look forward to do what is in YOUR best interests healthwise. It won't be easy for you to put yourself first as you haven't felt you deserve to do so and perhaps you do not know how to do.
You say you know you had a good marriage: "I thought we had such a good marriage, something special. I know we did."

Do you really believe this, now? That you believe this may be a place to start to process what is going on with you and how you can proceed for self-healing.

I see you already were told by a therapist that "he was abusive."
If this doesn't register with you - to make changes, then I do not know what to say. Perhaps you are not ready to change. Perhaps you feel more comfortable in an abusive relationship than learning to love yourself. You have to be willing to go into the unknowns ... to come out the other (healing) side and feel good about you.

You may be in such deep denial that you are not able to see the truth. It is a kind of self-protection if you are not ready to change.

There is fear, low self-esteem (or no self-esteem), confusion, overwhelm, guilt - it is all mixed up. IF YOU WANT TO BE A WHOLE PERSON, you need to make a decision to take care of yourself. It really is as simple as that although the work required isn't easy. It takes a commitment day by day.

Nothing is black or white. You need to take baby steps to self-care and that starts with making decisions in your best interest, not his.

I question - ask you: What do you want from us?
How can we support you?
As a 'first try to reach out to other people" (here) I really acknowledge you for doing this. I believe you know what you need to do. It is a matter of making a decision to do it.

Perhaps ...
Leave for a week.
Go somewhere alone.
Go to / on a spiritual retreat.
Get an Air b n b for a week to assess / re-assess your life / desires / commitments.

Get yourself to a shelter or woman abuse center - talk to a therapist / counselor there. Move in a shelter if you need to. Drastic change / healing takes drastic measures / decisions. It is all going to be UNCOMFORTABLE. Know that and do it anyway - you deserve to feel the "you" inside you that wants to be loved, wants to love herself.

You need to take a first step and only you know what that may be.
My gut tells me that as long as you are with him, in the home with him, that you will not have the courage / strength to change.

(I believe that) You are emotionally and psychologically entrenched in him / the unhealthy dynamics of this relationship, which could have been going on for the duration of your marriage. Not easy to leave even when it is toxic. And, you likely went into the marriage with self-doubts / low self esteem which played right into his hand / his own dysfunctional dynamics.

We are here to support you.

Gena / Touch Matters

"Passive-aggressive behavior is a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them, say a Mayo Clinic doctor. There's a disconnect between what a person who exhibits passive-aggressive behavior says and what he or she does."

When the behavior does not match the words, go by the behavior.

You're in a tough situation. It's easy to understand how you feel a duty to be there for your husband even though he has made you miserable for many years. (I was married for 24 years to a passive-aggressive narcissist.)

You're recovering from cancer and all of the stress that's involved in taking care of your husband isn't good for you. Stress is a killer. Not to mention the fact that he ruins everything and must make daily life difficult.

It would be so easy to tell you to collect your things and leave him, and that's what I wish that you would do. Living out the last third of your life with a man who makes you miserable is a tragedy.

He doesn't deserve you.

My heart feels for you. I know what you are going through and a loveless union is devastating, causing mental torture and physical illnesses. I hope you can do what many of us are too afraid to do and go about making some new friends. There are so many of us hurting just like you. May your life change for the better soon. X