My in laws are getting to the point where they probably should not be living alone (90 and 94). He is extremely hard of hearing and she is having a lot of trouble walking. He also seems to be slowing down cognitively. We have an in law apartment in the basement of our home. My husband and I keep putting off making a decision to have them move into our home, mostly because of the anticipated stress of caregiving. In our 60’s we are just getting around the corner of our youngest child getting through substance abuse and depression issues. He is on dialysis due to a genetic issue, but has been Sober and emotionally stable for 3 years. He is currently living with us while he goes to college. In addition, my widowed 83 year old mother lives in her own home 5 minutes from us. And My husband and I have 2 businesses.
How do you make a decision to have aged parents live with you and not end up feeling overwhelmed and like your own, already overly obligated life will be unmanageable? Like most of you, my husband and I are starting to experience our own signs of aging and I stress out fairly easily (a little ptsd since our struggles with our son). In our 60’s, after building our businesses, we were looking forward to retirement, travel, etc and are feeling like we are now stuck with this ongoing responsibility ( including overseeing my mother). I don’t mean to sound heartless just being honest. We haven’t truly researched retirement homes because of the in-laws push back on the idea.
I’m mostly venting but I guess my question is, how do you make decisions about the next steps while balancing out all parties needs and wishes?
Until they're unable to make decisions for themselves (either both of them, or one of them for both) it is up to them to make arrangements if they feel they're not managing at home. They of course can't move into your attached apartment except at your invitation, but have you discussed the idea with them in principle? What's been said about it?
If they're not keen, there's the end of your worries :)
If they've been counting on it but had reservations, there's the beginning of the practical talk. And ideally that talk will lead to their living in an environment that offers all-round support for them as well as a lot less weight on you.
If they are positively eager, it will still be your opportunity to say "hold your horses..." and then outline a) the practical difficulties of the apartment and b) (having first done your research) a shortlist of preferable alternatives.
You will gather I don't on the whole think it's a good idea for them to be so reliant on you, which they soon will be even if they aren't right now.
You yourself have noticed that you are beginning to fray. The stress of taking primary responsibility for not one but two potentially dependent elders *on* *your* *own* *premises*? - no. You'll snap.
You are under no obligation to provide that kind of care for anyone. Not caring for them personally does NOT mean you don't love them or care about them. It's just not possible and will be damaging to you and your marriage and your future.
Your parents probably didn't ask you if you were going to be willing to be their caregiver (before all this) and even if they did, you wouldn't have known what it would entail. It would have been an emotional, not rational, decision.
You are already not yet "recovered" from dealing with your own son's issues.
All objective minds answering you on this post are telling you it is ok to not have them move in. Don't feel guilty! They've had their whole lives to think about this time and they should not have assumed you'd be their solution. They WILL be isolated and you WILL be overwhelmed and burn out in a flash. Again, don't feel guilty. May you receive peace in your heart over this decision and may all your parents' future transition go smoothly!
Having them live with you IMO will put you over the top. Read the many posts on here, don't make a snap decision, you will regret doing that.
One of my concerns is isolation, both my mother and step-father waited too long to go into AL, they sat alone and digressed, they are both in AL now (different homes) and are flourishing, making new friends, doing things.
Sending support your way!
I ask you to consider how you would handle one possible scenario: one of you has the flu or needs a minor outpatient surgery, one parent falls and needs an ER trip while the other needs someone caring for him/her at home, and there's a minor crisis at one of your businesses. How will the two of you cope and handle everything?
At 83, your mom should not be living alone much longer. It would be good to look into assisted living or independent living that transitions to assisted living for her, too.
As nice as it might sound, you'll wind up taking on more than you bargain for if you bring anyone into your home, especially an elderly person who likely needs or will need caregiving at one level or another.
Good luck in whatever decision you make.
I would not offer in-home care to them, or to anyone. I believe it's isolating and makes getting good health care (constant appointments for multiple health issues) a real challenge.
When elders live in a care setting, there are multiple sets of eyes on them around the clock. Amenities such as hairdressers are onsite and routine healthcare (geriatric internist, podiatry, psychiatry etc.) are easily accessible.
Reading about your current life stressors made me tired. Don't add to that, especially with a fragile adult child.
Also, with her having a lot of trouble walking, going up and down basement stairs are not going to work.
I would have each of them see a geriatric doctor for his input of what level of care they need. Maybe they will listen to a objective third party more than a relative.
Have they given you durable and medical POA? If not, that is a deal breaker right there unless they will do it.
I wish you the best with this difficult situation.