My in laws are getting to the point where they probably should not be living alone (90 and 94). He is extremely hard of hearing and she is having a lot of trouble walking. He also seems to be slowing down cognitively. We have an in law apartment in the basement of our home. My husband and I keep putting off making a decision to have them move into our home, mostly because of the anticipated stress of caregiving. In our 60’s we are just getting around the corner of our youngest child getting through substance abuse and depression issues. He is on dialysis due to a genetic issue, but has been Sober and emotionally stable for 3 years. He is currently living with us while he goes to college. In addition, my widowed 83 year old mother lives in her own home 5 minutes from us. And My husband and I have 2 businesses.
How do you make a decision to have aged parents live with you and not end up feeling overwhelmed and like your own, already overly obligated life will be unmanageable? Like most of you, my husband and I are starting to experience our own signs of aging and I stress out fairly easily (a little ptsd since our struggles with our son). In our 60’s, after building our businesses, we were looking forward to retirement, travel, etc and are feeling like we are now stuck with this ongoing responsibility ( including overseeing my mother). I don’t mean to sound heartless just being honest. We haven’t truly researched retirement homes because of the in-laws push back on the idea.
I’m mostly venting but I guess my question is, how do you make decisions about the next steps while balancing out all parties needs and wishes?
The decision isn’t carefully considered and is based on emotions rather than a practical approach.
I am so relieved that we have agreed that they won’t be living here and will be proactive in my husband’s and my elder plans so that my children do not have to go through this. BTW, our son is doing great. Sober, stable, and back to school (3 years plus)!
Be honest with your loved ones and your selves. Good intentions are not enough. It really is a life of self sacrifice in every way. So count up the costs and decide whether you can make the daily payments as long as they live with you.
*the need for a 2 person assist in ambulating
*fecal incontinence with inability to clean up after themselves
*being totally bedridden
*dementia with sun downing, wandering off, or anger/violence
They need to be clear that you and your husband are NOT their social committee or entertainment. You should set up as much help as possible with their showering and dressing when/if assistance is needed. Make sure they do NOT have access to the basement stairs because elderly people, for some reason, love to try to climb onto things, just like babies!
I read your post and it is so clear your gut is saying no don't do it.
I wish I had listened to my dad and my mom when they told us we would be making a mistake. We thought the decision we were making was for maybe a max of 2 years. We are just under 13 years later & it only gets worse with age regardless of how much love is in the family.
Please listen to yourself and make the right decision for you. It isn't selfish or wrong to do what's best for you & your husband.
And...I always wonder why people can't vent anymore without apologizing. I for one am hear to listen, learn and vent.
Bless you
How will they get up and down the stairs to the basement. What about shopping for food and household supplies? How will they get to dr appointments? Church and social outings? If there is an emergency how will that be handled. If there is a fire can they get themselves out of the basement?
How much of this burden will fall to you? Is your husband willing to do 50% of the work this will require? Can he handle the medications, incontinence issues, cleaning?
I know from only a brief experience with my mother that it's a 24/7 job. Even now with her in AL it seems I am constantly on call to pay bills, shop for supplies and clothing, organize medical visits, etc.
Please explore other senior living options, discuss this with professionals too for unbiased advice. Good luck.
It really sounds like they would be best served in a care facility that's set up for the ongoing and various levels of care they're going to need over time. Try to consider what would be best for them in the long run.
And mom with mobility issues, a basement apartment definitely will not work, it is not a safe solution.
As for "slowing down cognitively," it may be much worse than you realize. You have probably already seen some red flags with their thinking, speech, and behavior, so no wonder you're concerned. It's very likely they are hiding some of the worst symptoms from you. Can they add and subtract? Can they tell time? Can they read numbers in a chart or columns? Can they understand a one-page letter from the insurance company or the doctor's office? How many tries does it take for them to correctly write a check for a bill? And where do they put the checks they made a mistake on--out on the curb on trash and recycling day, where a scammer could find them? Ask them, "How old were you 20 years ago?" If you get a lot of hmm-ing and irritation and changing the subject, there's your answer.
Now, you will hear people laying on the guilt trips, saying it's your obligation to care for ALL the elders in your life, blah blah and yada yada. It's important to take what you like from these comments here and leave the rest (I haven't read your comments, I just know what to expect after being here for a few years and reading others). And, from personal experience, I can tell you that I placed both my folks in AL back in 2014 after dad fell and broke his hip. He wound up passing in 2015 and mother is now 93 next month and still living in AL, but in the Memory Care section now. There is NO WAY on God's green earth I could be caring for her in my home; she is wheelchair bound, has dementia, 100% incontinence & wets the bed EVERY night no matter WHAT, is mostly deaf, has AFIB and CHF, vertigo, neuropathy........and the list goes on and on. It's way too much for me, at 62, to handle MY life, my husband, my home, etc, AND my mother..........nope, not happening. And there is no 'guilt' involved b/c she is getting MUCH better care on a 24/7 basis over THERE than I could ever give her over HERE, let's face it.
Tour a few ALs and give the in laws a choice of 2. I suggest a privately owned AL rather than corporately owned; corporate is only after the $$$ while private has a whole different attitude & philosophy where the resident comes first. There is a TON of things to do at ALs and they'll have one another, so they should adjust well in time.
Best of luck!
Given your own emotional and mental state I recommend you speak to your doctor about this before taking a single step forward. He or she will give you an unbiased and honest opinion about how this prospective arrangement would impact your own health and your ability to take on further responsibilities.
Your son needs a calm environment in which to study and continue along his road of recovery. He hopefully has a long life ahead of him and deserves the best
Your Mum may at some point require care. You are setting a precedent, where will you house her?
Just because the in laws do not want to move into a retirement home, does not automatically mean you have to provide them with a home. This is about Needs, not Wants. They need 24/7 supervision.
You and your husband deserve to spend your retirement in travel etc. It is the parents' responsibility to accept that you will not be providing their care and they need to look into other options.
If you are already overwhelmed, sounds like that can only get worse if you decide to have your in-laws live with you. At 90 & 94, their care will only increase. Doesn’t sound like what your future looked like. Have you had a discussion with husband about his wishes and desires for your future together?
The way I’m making my decision about Mom’s potential dementia diagnosis is by knowing what my parameters are (me and my husband). I KNOW that if she had to move, she would not be happy living with us. I’m her PoA and Advanced Directives, but she wants no help whatsoever from anyone, including us.
If you’ve already got a lot going on in your home and caring for elderly was not in your plans for the future, it would be time to search out assisted living.
Hope you are able to come to a reasonable decision about your future. Prayers going up for you.
I would not even mention the apartment to in-laws. If they have money, then they can use it for their care. Get them help or try to steer them towards an AL. You do have enough on ur plate. Your son is ur priority. He has a future and he needs you for support. At 60, it would be a huge adjustment.
Do they have funds to pay for caregivers? If so make that a part of the conditions that they agree to PRIOR to moving in. With caregivers in place you can go on your trips and maintain most of your life as usual.
Is the In Law Apartment set up with...
Wide halls, no carpeting, wide doorways, barrier free bathroom large enough to move equipment in and out of, barrier free shower that a wheel chair can roll into, secondary exit that they will be able to use easily in an emergency? I could go on with other things but you get the idea.
The slowing down cognitively at 90 or 94 I would not worry about the problem would be if the slow down cognitively occurred at 60 or 70 then the prospect of a cognitive decline for 20 or 30 years would be more of a concern.
This could be a "we can try it and see" situation and give it 6 months and if it works out great if not then a move to Assisted Living or if necessary Memory Care could be discussed. (If both are mobile and able to care for them selves to some degree a Skilled Nursing Facility ((aka Nursing home))would not be necessary)
it is my experience that the biggest obstacle to moving into a senior center is fear. They are afraid they will lose all control over their lives, don’t know if they’ll be treated nicely, that they are being abandoned. You are so lucky that they are both still alive and can be moved TOGETHER. Think about it, this will be much more comforting to them than going into the ‘dreaded place’ later and alone, after one of them passes.
Please, don’t even offer your home as an option. Don’t keep thinking that YOU are as strong as you once were — you’re not. Salvage what you can of your own life. Place them in an assisted living, and do it quickly while they still have the advantage of togetherness.
My mother, who also has mobility issues, routinely asks to move in with me. She cannot life one foot high enough to step up ONE step. I have 6 going downstairs and 5 coming out the 'back way'. Despite this obvious impediment, she still thinks it could be workable. (She currently lives with my YB and in her own apartment).
Let your folks decide, but first look into other options. Your home will be a halfway house for all the elderly, sick or afflicted within months.
And you really, really need to guard your own health. First and foremost, or you will be of no help to anyone.
You cannot make everyone happy. Accept that.
You don't make the decision to have them live with you for otherwise, you will end up feeling overwhelmed and your already overly obligated life will become unmanageable.