My in laws are getting to the point where they probably should not be living alone (90 and 94). He is extremely hard of hearing and she is having a lot of trouble walking. He also seems to be slowing down cognitively. We have an in law apartment in the basement of our home. My husband and I keep putting off making a decision to have them move into our home, mostly because of the anticipated stress of caregiving. In our 60’s we are just getting around the corner of our youngest child getting through substance abuse and depression issues. He is on dialysis due to a genetic issue, but has been Sober and emotionally stable for 3 years. He is currently living with us while he goes to college. In addition, my widowed 83 year old mother lives in her own home 5 minutes from us. And My husband and I have 2 businesses.
How do you make a decision to have aged parents live with you and not end up feeling overwhelmed and like your own, already overly obligated life will be unmanageable? Like most of you, my husband and I are starting to experience our own signs of aging and I stress out fairly easily (a little ptsd since our struggles with our son). In our 60’s, after building our businesses, we were looking forward to retirement, travel, etc and are feeling like we are now stuck with this ongoing responsibility ( including overseeing my mother). I don’t mean to sound heartless just being honest. We haven’t truly researched retirement homes because of the in-laws push back on the idea.
I’m mostly venting but I guess my question is, how do you make decisions about the next steps while balancing out all parties needs and wishes?
I read your post and it is so clear your gut is saying no don't do it.
I wish I had listened to my dad and my mom when they told us we would be making a mistake. We thought the decision we were making was for maybe a max of 2 years. We are just under 13 years later & it only gets worse with age regardless of how much love is in the family.
Please listen to yourself and make the right decision for you. It isn't selfish or wrong to do what's best for you & your husband.
And...I always wonder why people can't vent anymore without apologizing. I for one am hear to listen, learn and vent.
Bless you
*the need for a 2 person assist in ambulating
*fecal incontinence with inability to clean up after themselves
*being totally bedridden
*dementia with sun downing, wandering off, or anger/violence
They need to be clear that you and your husband are NOT their social committee or entertainment. You should set up as much help as possible with their showering and dressing when/if assistance is needed. Make sure they do NOT have access to the basement stairs because elderly people, for some reason, love to try to climb onto things, just like babies!
Be honest with your loved ones and your selves. Good intentions are not enough. It really is a life of self sacrifice in every way. So count up the costs and decide whether you can make the daily payments as long as they live with you.
I am so relieved that we have agreed that they won’t be living here and will be proactive in my husband’s and my elder plans so that my children do not have to go through this. BTW, our son is doing great. Sober, stable, and back to school (3 years plus)!
The decision isn’t carefully considered and is based on emotions rather than a practical approach.