I'm just wondering what others are going through and how do we as family members cope with having a loved one in a facility? I live in another state and am about 800 miles from Mom. I own my own business, work 7 days for most weeks, and for me to get away is incredibly difficult. Over the last 2 years she has had issues with UTIs and mixing up her medications that has landed her in the hospital several times, and in the last 4 - 6 months signs of dementia and confusion have quickly crept in. From her last experience she was hospitalized for a week, then went to rehab. After 60 days of rehab she has now been placed in long-term, and now she calls me several times a week, begging, pleading, and crying her eyes out for me to come get her or do something to improve her situation. I know after speaking to several medical professionals and her insurance case worker that she is no longer able to live on her own. I'm confident that they did sufficient evaluations and am in agreement with them - that she is actually in the best place she could be. However, her independence is suddenly gone and she is not adapting at all to such a major life change. Listening to her cry and beg on the phone is almost too much for me to bear. When I talk to nurses and staff they tell me she is doing fine, eating and sleeping well, and staying active, but I'm starting to get the sense that they are just trained to say those things when family members call to get updates. I've listened to her have a nervous breakdown on the phone, called the nurse's station 5 minutes later, and they just talk about how great she's doing. They have started her this week with a psychiatrist but I think I need counseling too. Physically her health is good for her age, but her mind is deteriorating rapidly. I feel like this is going to be a rough time that could go on for years, and I'm only in the beginning stages of this journey. Any ideas or thoughts are appreciated.
There is absolutely no way that you could have handled all of your mom’s needs. You did the responsible thing by placing her. Look at it as an act of love.
It’s fine to be sad about her condition. That is completely understandable. If you want to speak to someone about your experience and concerns,
I would encourage you reach out to someone. It does help. I sought out therapy when my mom was alive and I was caring for her.
You have a very tough situation because you live so far away.
Best wishes to you as you continue onward in your caregiving journey.
I think perhaps you could nenefit from some ongoing support from a social worker. Talking through why you feel guilty and helpless and developing coping skills is a good investment in your long term mental health.
Fact 2. This is not your fault.
Fact 3. You can't save a parent from this.
We are but human. We experience life, all of it. The magical memory making bits. the normal drudge days, challenging stages & sometimes truly sucky bits.
I reckon It takes 6 months to adjust to a challenging life event. It also takes time to accept the sucky bits we cannot change.
Hold your course. Offer Mom empathy & encourge her towards counselling for support. Consider for yourself too if you want.
This IS a challenging life change. Sending you warm thoughts.
It's a phase of life that takes a lot of adjusting to, and can feel depressing, frightening, demeaning - but it doesn't have to be so. How long since she moved in?
You say she's physically in good health. ??? Recurrent utis and medication mix-ups that actually took her to hospital don't quite fit with that.
If you're 800 miles away and working a 7-day week, how closely have you been able to be involved?
Assuming this is very early days, you have time to give the whole situation plenty of thought, identify the specific issues that are making her and you unhappy, and look into a wide range of ways to improve things. Don't despair!
I’m sure that it is hard for her not to be in closer proximity to her mom. This is adding additional stress to her situation.
Do you feel that being so far away from your mom is causing additional stress for you?
It’s terribly sad when a parent needs to be placed in a facility, but most people realize that it is the best thing for them and for the caregivers. The parents receive around the clock professional care and the children aren’t burdened with their hands on care.
It can be more expensive to hire caregivers at home rather than having her placed in a facility. You also have the advantage of a complete staff and other amenities at a facility.
It isn’t ever a good idea to pay for your parents care out of your own pocket unless you are independently wealthy and choose to. You need your money for your own future care.
Would you feel better if your mom lives closer to you? Is it possible for her to move to a facility near you? Some caregivers have chosen to place their parents in a facility near them. Then you could visit in person more frequently.
Best wishes to you and your mother.
You mention the word guilt.
It is inappropriate for you. Guilt requires FAULT and none of this is your fault. You didn't create it. You can't fix it. And guilt keeps you from moving into the CORRECT g-word which is GRIEF. You are grieving. And being met with this litany of woes with every contact is making it unendurable.
You need now to protect yourself. You need to embrace the GRIEF of something that will not change until your mom's death in all likelihood. You will have to endure, and in order to endure you will have to protect yourself in terms of numbers and length of contact. You will need to nourish yourself with the joy in life.
Again. You need to repeat to yourself "I did not CAUSE this". "I cannot CHANGE this". "I must find joy in life so that I can ENDURE this".
I wish you the best.