My father has lived with my finance and myself since my mom passed away in 2021. I purchased my childhood home from my parents in 2016 and it does have an extra bedroom and living room as a kind of in-law space. I have always been happier living alone but when my mom went into home hospice my dad shared his plan to sell the house when she passed away and move in with me, he did ask me but with already the plan in place. Of course I said yes even though I didn’t want to but at the time processing my mom about to pass away and knowing how depressed and sad he was I felt like I had no option but to agree.
my fiance also moved in with me around the same time. She is super great about it but does not like the situation at all and does tend to vent to me about it. It has turned into an issue for us and she especially is not happy.
I also don’t have the strongest relationship with him, I love him he’s my dad but I was always closer with my mom and in the course of him caring for her there were some very strained times between us to say the least.
he is pretty much 100% independent now but will need more help sooner than later, he also has almost given up on taking care of himself too. He didn’t do anything specifically but I’m sure all you understand just the general frustrations and difficulties that come with having an elderly parent live with you.
it’s now to the point I need to choose to take my relationship more seriously with my fiance and work on us and getting married, or having my dad here. At this point it doesn’t seem like it can be both, at least not happily.
I know he won’t like the idea of an ALF and I just feel so bad I agreed to it in the first place and now I feel like I’m kicking him out when he actually will need me soon. I know rationally if he needs me I need to work on myself to be useful for him, but I’m just having such a hard time accepting it and doing what I know is best for everyone
When my mother told me, years ago, that THEY weren't going to pay 5k a month to an AL but they'd come live with ME instead and pay me $$$$$, I set the record straight immediately. That wouldn't work for me, sorry ma. I am not expecting a thin dime of inheritance and you should spend all your money on your care because it's not in me to do it. I was their advocate and managed their entire lives for them, but I changed no adult incontinence briefs.
Tell dad you love him, but living together these past 2+ years you've discovered you'd like to be alone with your fiance now and start your lives together. You'll line up some nice ALs and he can choose which one he'd like.
My folks truly enjoyed AL life. It was like an adult hotel with medical services in house and lots of trips and activities. Gardens to stroll thru, a full menu and buffets on holidays.....people act like AL is a house of horrors when it's actually a beautiful environment where the elder has their own apartment. I'd be happy to live in AL myself if I had the finances to afford it when I get old.
Just be truthful with dad and remind him you'll visit often. Good luck!
Mom moved in with us after she lost her home in hurricane Katrina. My mother was doing fairly well when she moved in but as her Parkinson’s disease progressed caregiving became more of a challenge.
How old is your dad? Does he have the financial means to go to an assisted living facility? Are there senior apartments nearby that offer independent living services?
How are you helping him at this time? Does he still drive? Cook? Clean his living area? Shop for himself? Socialize with others?
I suppose that as awkward as it is, start a conversation with your dad and say that you want your privacy back. Tell him that you desire to be alone with your fiancé.
Don’t be surprised if there is some pushback from your dad because when he sold the house to you he assumed that he would be able to live there.
Acknowledge that transitional times are difficult but that you will help him find a new place. Tell him that you will visit him and if you want to, tell him that he is welcome at your place for dinner sometimes.
Wishing you all the best.
No one can be assumed into caregiving for another person. Even though he "asked" you it was just a formality because he already had this plan in place. I wonder what he would have done if you had said no at that time...?
Another issue is whether he can afford to live on his own. Maybe you can help him work this out to see if what it would take and what other options there may be. Also, discuss helping him get his legal ducks in a row: he still needs to assign a PoA if he hasn't done this. If he's living with you now and hasn't assigned you as PoA, this is a disaster waiting to happen. If he refuses to assign you (or anyone) then this is surely more reason to have him move out.
If you don't find a way to move him out, this sends a clarifying message to your fiancee. If you think she's stewing in restrained silence now, just wait until your Dad develops some health or cognitive problems...
Your Dad will be upset, maybe even angry, at first but then he will eventually get over it. If you don't deal with it you'll lose your fiancee -- and rightfully so.
good call on poa too, I don’t think he would have issue with that, he’s already added me to his bank accounts and everything but yes we do need to get this in place. Probably a good thing to make this whole thing a bigger talk about the next chapter.
this is going to happen because like you said my fiancé and building our life is priority. I just have to get my mind and heart straight