How can we help our caregiving cousin before she collapses?
I'm one of a group of cousins (First, second, third cousins twice removed, etc.) whose matriarch (aunt/great aunt/cousin) had to go to long-term care a few months ago after a fall, an operation, and deepening dementia. Well into her 90s, she's not thriving and we know she's dying.
Her daughter, "Alice," has been her caregiver for several years. Alice, now in her 60s, has several serious medical problems and it's clear that she's close to physical collapse herself. She has already had one medical emergency of her own since her mother's fall. I have seen her. I don't know how she keeps going.
We know Alice needs to start planning her own future and preparing for life alone. Her mother's affairs are "in order," but complicated and a lot needs to be done to keep things on an even keel.
Alice spends most of her days at her mother's side, although her mother no longer recognizes her, and is in good hands. We know Alice isn't eating regular meals, sleeping properly or taking care of her own personal hygiene. We know that the nice home she shared with her mother is filthy and deteriorating around her. We know mail is going unanswered, bills unpaid, etc., although there are funds available to pay them. We worry that our matriarch may outlive Alice, if only by a few weeks or months.
Only one of the cousin/relative group lives nearby; the others of us are out of state. The local connection visits our matriarch every day, so that Alice can feel free to get away and take care of her own needs. I traveled there for a week after Alice's mother was first hospitalized to help out --- but I live 600 miles away. We all stay in regular contact with Alice by phone.
But, we see a disaster coming. Alice is definitely going to collapse; financial matters are likely to get complicated; Alice shares her mother's POA with her only sibling, a convicted felon whom we don't trust to protect Alice's share of the estate; Alice has named no POA of her own. Among the cousins we have the expertise, experience, and time (most of us are retired) to put Alice's and her mother's affairs in order, protect Alice, ensure that both of them are getting the care they need (fortunately, finances aren't an issue for them), settle the estate, etc., etc. But, we don't have any standing to insist that she accept our help! The closest relatives are first cousins; the rest are more remote.
I think we need to stage an intervention. A few of us simply need to go there, in coordination with the only local relative, and deploy to deal with the different issues facing Alice and her mother. She'll protest and cry, but I think she'd finally cooperate. But of course, if she doesn't cooperate we can't achieve much because we can't talk to banks, lawyers, realtors, doctors, etc., on her or their behalf.
What do you think? What would you do? Does an intervention make sense?
19 Answers
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But! I think everyone pitching in and getting the house cleaned, doing any maintenance or arraigning the work and being a personal aid, as in chauffeur, grocery shopper, cook that fills the freezer with prepared meals, doing errands, etc. would be really helpful. She sounds like she got overwhelmed and is now buried with to much that needs to be done. Don't ask her, just do it.
Help her be able to see the light at the end of this caregiving tunnel.
God bless you all for helping her during this difficult time.
Or, start by asking her: if there's one thing you could have taken off your plate (or fixed), what would it be? And if she draws a blank you could suggest a few things and see what she says. Maybe only one cousin at a time interacts with her so she doesn't feel pushed.
Maybe someone can offer to sit with her mom so she can have breaks and do some self-care.
As she gets used to people helping her then someone can have the conversation with her about getting her own ducks in a row, encouraging her to consult with an elder law attorney to discuss how the felon on the mother's PoA can be dealt with, if at all. Hopefully at that consult she'll choose to assign a PoA for herself (and this should be someone at least a full generation younger than her). She should also be encouraged to find her Mother's Will so that it is at hand when the time comes.
Hopefully she'll be open to going in for medical attention, accompanied by a trusted relative. I wish you all the best as you attempt to bless her with your generous help!
When people are overwhelmed, it is easier to just lovingly help without permission. Because when you ask they feel like they need to participate and they don't have the ability, so no is always the answer.
If it is a hoarding situation, won't take her long to reproduce her hoard. Speaking from personal experience.
Is Alice part of an organised religion? If so, an 'intervention' via her faith may be on her wavelength, speak her moral language.
If not, I am thinking how & who to bridge that gap to where she is... Who is closest phone contact with her? Does anyone have that knack of quiet support? Has success getting Alice to open up?
Or is there a case management service or family social worker service where the Matriarch currently is? Someone to be a facilitator? (Having a third party to ask the hard but important questions can be less awkward).
Short sharp honesty & tales of future doom are the right incentive for some, maybe, but plain speaking may be taken as criticism in error if Alice is in a very vulnerable state. Eg that she has 'failed' by needing help.
Some people do think it is 'weak' to ask for help. The more I think about it - I think it takes BRAVERY to ask for help.
I suppose the main message is: We are here. We can help too. PLEASE let us in.
I think it's a terrific idea to have an intervention of the cousins for Alice. Seeing everyone there just waiting to start helping her will probably be what it takes to get her to accept the help she needs.
Then you can finally start getting things done. Like fixing the house, and paperwork, and all kinds of other stuff.
Let me ask you something. What was Alice's life like before she became a caregiver to her mother? Did she have a decent life? Or was her mother always in control of it? Even when there's love between mom and adult child, this often plays a big part in why someone feels they have to be there 24/7 by mom's side. Even if there was abuse too like with me.
Alice also needs to be reminded of who she was before caregiving. I had forgotten my life before becoming a nanny-slave to my mother. I went so deep down the rabbit hole of depression and despondency that I didn't care if I lived or died. Yet, I still had to serve 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for years.
My ex-husband (who I now call my soon-to-be-former-ex-husband because we're back together) pulled me out of it and I started to remember what my life was like before and it was good.
Other arrangements are being made for my mother. I am done with caregiving. Alice needs to have other arrangements made too. Number one, is she needs to go to therapy to help get her mental health together and to help her break away from the enmeshed relationship she has with her mother.
She needs to get her physical health in order too. Caregivers so often neglect their own health because they just don't care. I became obese and inactive. I ate bad food, drank alcohol, and took smoking back up. I'm almost two years smoke-free. I've taken much of the weight off. About half of caregivers die before the people they are caring for. Get Alice checked out by a doctor and into therapy. It will help.
Since you and your family are willing to actually help Alice and not just talk at her like so many others, when she sees the lot of you all together at the intervention, I'm sure she will be on board with allowing people to help her.
Good luck to you, your cousins, and Alice. Please keep us updated here because I want to know what happens next.
I can tell you've "been there" and are speaking from experience. Congratulations on coming out the other side.
It's odd that I hadn't thought about speaking to someone from Alice's church. I know she doesn't attend regularly --- I doubt the clergy at her (very large) church would know her --- but she might welcome the contact. I'll think about how to approach it. But that would be in addition to whatever the family decides to do, not in place of doing something.
Forgive me if I haven't responded individually to your kind suggestions --- I'm suddenly very sleepy. I wish you all well with your own concerns.
You are an amazing family to consider such an effort.
And what about after your chores? What will happen then? Maybe you should consider a twice a week caregiver for Alice. Someone to come clean, wash clothes, sort mail, etc.
I am in my mid 60’s. My bride of nearly 32 years is living with Alzheimer’s. Today this 67 y.o. beauty of mine can’t tell me my name, nor those of our 5 children, or any grandchild. I, like Alice, find it hard to manage my own life because of the desire to help Jan know I will always be here for her.
Every, and I mean every single family member has encouraged me to place my bride in a memory care facility. But as yet, I cannot. - I am fortunate in that I too have the means to have caregivers help me every day. But it still is physically and emotionally draining. - I see the wisdom in my family’s encouragement to seek out a care facility, but still, I’m not in a place yet where I feel I cannot go any further.
Forgive me if Bible verses offend, I mean not to do so. But there are two verses that keep me going:
”All things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” My purpose, which I willingly accept, is to care for my bride.
And:
“Greater love has no man than he lay down his life for a friend.”
Jan is my best friend. I will do my best to lay down my best for her. I will keep doing this as long as I am able.
God bless you. I pray that you are able to access the grace and strength that you need to fulfill your purpose. I get on my knees every morning and thank God for His mercies that are new every morning for me, asking Him to live through me as I care for my mother and now also my mother in law. I pray that you are able to give Him all the worries and that you feel the smile of God upon you today....
Lainey
Instead of an 'intervention", where she might feel accused and defensive, maybe you could consider an "appreciation party".
Surpirse her with a cake and "gifts" from each family member. Each gift could be a small gift box with a card citing something she has done to bless you, and what you will do to thank her.
For example: Thank you Alice for keeping house, cleaning, and laundering for our Aunt. We know you are unable to do as much, because you are sitting with her. My gift to you is that my partner and I are going to spend the weekend cleaning and laundering for you to get you caught back up. You have blessed us, and now we are so happy to be able to bless you!
Another family member could "gift" a day of sitting with your Aunt while their partner sits down with Alice to catch up her bills and goes to the bank to shift everything to auto draft.
Another family member could gift sitting with her while their partner takes her out for lunch, a pedicure, etc.
A local family member could set up an ap on her phone for online weekly grocery ordering, and gift her the weekly pick up and delivery of groceries and prescriptions (cleaning out old items and putting the new groceries in the fridge would be an unspoken part of that weekly gift).
You have a wonderful, amazing, supportive family, and I am so glad you are all there to help each h other.
Perhaps a daily phone call to her as well, caregivers often feel very alone and isolated doing this, it might be nice to have someone else to talk to, other than yourself : )
Lots of great advice here!
I just want to reiterate, I think your family is great too! Every cousin should be so lucky. This is what I have in my family but again we are all over the country. I was raised with my cousins all around me, Aunt/Uncles, Sunday dinner, live-in grandmother!
Not that way today for most families. A different era.
Secondly, BurntCaregiver I always read what you write. I think you have a lot of wisdom and I always ponder what you write. You are a very deep writer and contribute a lot on this forum! I thank you.
A one shot deal of an intervention needs to "continue". So when you walk out the door you don't want the "old pattern" of behavior to continue.
A few suggestions:
*Day of Beauty
*One morning a week respite care for Mom if she is able to attend
*Bring in the Church people on a Sunday
*Employ cleaning women
*No mention of hoarding but you can't be too sure after Mom passes???
*Buy the book "Keep the Memories, Lose the Stuff, "Declutter, Downsize, and Move Forward with Your Life" by Matt Paxton with Jordan Michael Smith, read it before "Mom" passes and show up and help cousin and give her a copy
*Sunday night = phone calls and more importantly Skype--it's for free and you can see how your cousin looks
*Sign her up for food delivery and/or meal preparations
*Can she work part-time from home
*Find out: Does cousin have a pension, if not sign her up for a Roth IRA
*Buy her a membership at a local "Y" or sign her up for swim classes--this will give her a group she meets with each week NOT online the computer stuff is not enough--we need people
*Does she have a plan in place such as "what is she going to live on in her old age".
*When I took Mom for an assessment for a one-morning a week respite day program they asked me, "what is the plan should you get sick". I was glad they asked it and yes I do have a plan but others may be so in it they haven't had time to brush their hair never mind a plan for the future.
*The interventions are good but what happens when everyone leaves and goes home?
*Buy a bunch of fresh flowers each week at the supermarket.
*Buy a bottle of perfume and wear it every day.
*Your good intentions must continue.
God Be With You...you are wonderful people and I'm sure the apples didn't fall far from the tree. Well done!
The real question is "Will the intervention do any good". And the answer is that I doubt it.
It sounds as though Alice is herself not mentally strong if she is allowing bills and etc to slip, and yes, there is likely to be a catastrophe, perhaps even the loss of a home.
I think that there should be an intervention (tho I doubt it will help) and while all are in one place I would attend an elder law attorney to get options. Tell them you have questions and need an hour of time.
I sure wish you good luck.
They have a program called In Home Supportive Services? They will pay for some assistance in the home. Client needs to apply. There will be an in home I interview, then a number of hours of service will be determined. Perhaps your cousin will get a little break.
Something I did to help my brother who was my mom’s major caregiver was to order meals and pay for them from a meal delivery service. My brother said this was very helpful. They came from a company called Moms Meals.
she might write it.
also send her a care package with wipes and a mobile salon to wash her hair using their portable basins.
I think all showing up will create a feeling of humiliation . She’s probably as vulnerable as she can ever be.