I am durable POA for finances and legal Medical Representative for my 88 year old mother who lives 450 miles from me. She lives in a small town where she grew up, but I have never lived there. (She moved there after retirement). She has cognitive impairments for most of her adult life from a TBI and now has lost short term memory almost completely. I travel there regularly and it is very stressful now that she has no short term memory. It has taken it's toll on my family and my mental health. I hired part time home health, but it is challenging to monitor from a distance as well as managing her finances and medical care while she fights me on almost everything. I did get her car removed (thank God) and she is very angry and sad about that. She adamantly refuses to discuss moving to a senior community/assisted living. We have tried to convince her for years...both gently and strongly. Her social worker says that I do not have to do anything to activate the Medical POA and that I am within my rights to make her move to assisted living or at least near me because her medical records show that she is not capable of making sound decisions and not safe living alone. If I am within my rights, I don't know how to physically force her to move. She is in good physical health for her age and she will fight. I would appreciate advise from others that have experienced this.
But I am a firm believer that a person with dementia should not be in AL they should be in Memory Care. (the concern is that a person with dementia can walk out of AL and become "lost")
Then the question is..
Do you have her in a facility near you where you can help get her to dr appointments and visit (if you wish) OR do you place her in a facility near where she currently lives.
If she has good doctors where she is. If she needs the care they provide. If she has a good support system of friends it might be best to leave her where she currently lives.
BUT
If she can not manage dr visits, if her doctors are not specialized or she does not need specialized care and she has no friends or support system it might be easier for you to move her closer to you,.
I can tell you no matter what decision you make she will not be happy.
There are Care Managers that can help with some things from a distance so you do not have to be there for each appointment.
Therefore you may have to create a therapeutic fib to get her into the facility. Facilities have done this for others, so pick a place and then talk to the admins about helping get her there. You may need to tell her something like: the city is shutting off utilities to work on the "lines" (water, gas, electric), or that she has a mold in her attic that needs to be cleared and it will take a while to get it fixed so you'll have to stay with us for a few days. Or, that there's an event in your town that she must attend, etc. Whatever you think she'll accept.
I suggest you discuss meds for anxiety for her with her doctor before you attempt to move her. Does she have any friends in that town who would be willing to help? A church or club? You should plan to stay there at least a week in advance for sure... I wish you success in getting her transitioned.
Arrange to have lunch with mom in the dining room when you arrive. If you haven't been able to remove her things from home into her suite, now is the time to have the movers or delivery people do it. While she's eating. And meeting new people, being kept distracted. That's how we did it with my mother.
Hopefully you'll have her suite all set up for her like home, and she'll feel comfortable in it once she sees it. That's the goal....to have her see her new suite set up like home for her. If she freaks out, stay away for a while abdcsllow her to adjust.
Best of luck to you.
This is not an option. Don't explain it as though it were. Tell her that you will now begin the search for the best facility to care for in YOUR opinion (not in hers). As long as you make this an option, she will of course say no.
If your mother says she isn't going, then you can tell her that it is not a choice, and that you as her POA will arrange this. If she, however, is well enough to go to an attorney you may be looking at a guardianship fight in which you will need the WRITTEN documents of TWO doctors (one should be neuro-psyc MD.
I would simply go ahead as POA. MPOA is overridden by a general POA which is what you are. That means you essentially ARE the medical POA and POA for ALL THINGS when your mother is no longer competent. However, competency or lack of it, if the elder pushes back and has an attorney is a court action.
As to how you do it?
You call EMS and pay to have it done if that is necessary, but do tell mom that such behavior would likely mean she would not go to ALF but to memory care, which is a locked unit in which she would not have her own room, but would have a roommate.
It's time for a visit and for absolute honesty.
I would go WITH A SOCIAL WORKER if at all possible to do this onerous task.
Your Mom may not intend to go gently into this good night. Would you?
You may want also to contact APS for their advice on this matter.
Or ask the social worker you are already dealing with.
I’ll be waiting for an answer too.
There are only 5 other women in this house. She and I were both sad about moving her, but I had to be done for the both of us. My Mom is nicer with the dementia, and when I was honest with her she accepted the idea. The advocate said it takes about a month or two for the patient to adjust. I focused on safety, immediate community, support, meals, medications all right there.
I had to do it. I could not handle the stress. When her money runs out she will have to go to a Medicaid SNF unless my circumstances change.
You have to make the move of your Mom for yourself and your family. You are worth it, and not a bad daughter if you do. Your Mom will be safe. You can also tell a social worker or a " friend " who knows your Mom to call Adult Protective Services as she is not living safely....to be the " push" your Mom needs. I seriously thought about getting another person to be a guardian, but found out there are some terrible ones out there...so I had to pull my big girl pants up with God's help and make the move for my Mom. She cried, I allowed her to, gave her comfort, reassured her I loved her, and now could just focus on being her daughter who is alive and not dead. Our advocate told me she has seen so many adult children get heart attacks, strokes or die before their parent bc they can't make the tough decision for their own health.
You're not a bad daughter if you move her...you are a good and wise daughter. I suggest looking into an Adult Foster Home in your area.
it was heartbreaking but the right move and she eventually came around to it.
I live 3 1/2 days in one city and then drive 2 1/2 hours to care for my mom for the other 3 1/2 days and I still get blamed for not being there full-time. I work and my husband works and it is just not feasible for us to move right now. When we do, we will be right across the street from her, Lord help us. !!
* You never argue and never 'force' her to move.
* If you are the POA / handle all her life needs legally, you do what is in her best interest (not what she says she wants).
* You move her closer to you.
* Do you not 'listen' (in terms of what you actually do) to what she says although
YOU DO RESPOND with compassion and attention so she knows she is being heard. You respond with sensitivity and boundaries. In this vein:
- leaving open ended is best: "I am doing what I can to meet your needs." ... "Yes, I hear your desires. Thank you for telling me."
* You do what is necessary to keep her as calm as possible.
- Do not tell her what is coming. Stay in the moment.
* Do know that her cognitive abilities will continue to decline.
- Do not 'wait' until this happens. Handle it now.
* You must learn to take your power back while understanding that you can be compassionate, sensitive, and caring, too. This doesn't mean a huge change / move is easy on either of you. It is not. However, you need to keep your focus on what is best for her, regardless of the initial emotional responses / feelings.
Gena / Touch Matters
By the time we went through all the numbers, I was able to get mom into an AL studio apartment of 550 sq. ft. It's not as close to me as I would like but the travel time is manageable. We moved her in before her discharge from the NH and were able to get a great deal of her furniture into the apartment.
With her SS benefit of $2000, minus all the insurance required, and the possibility of another $1400 from the VA A&A (still pending) I felt I could manage it. This facility will never take Medicare. So, when the money is gone, I'll face the task of getting her into a Medicaid NHF.
Best wishes to you. And to all that may have veteran service please research Aid and Assistance for surviving spouses.