My husband has all the control of the money and bills. All the passwords to the bank accounts and credit cards. He’s becoming increasingly more combative and confused with his thoughts. He has 5 out of 8 symptoms for dementia that I've noticed. A 75 year old retired Vietnam marine officer. He’s constantly saying he wants to throw me out and is cutting me off the money. I just want to know what I can do to protect myself and handle him at the same time.
Having your husband being combative and threatening you in regards to money has got to be a bit scary!
Do you want to declare him incompetent? Is he? Has he been formally diagnosed with dementia?
Are you joint on the accounts? Do you also have the passwords or just him?
Are you willing to go to an attorney for advice? Are you willing to set up your own bank accounts that he does not have any control over? I'm sure that could be tricky but not sure how else you can get out from under his control.
Best of luck.
Has he prepared his end of life documents, and if so, are you considered? Do you think he would change these documents?
And if he is getting VA assistance, I would raise the issue with his primary VA doctor, or if he's getting care in the community, discuss it with his PCP. Perhaps it's time to consider an intervention in his care.
The VA has also expanded its caregiver support; I would raise that as well, as there maybe some counseling available for dealing with your husband.
Whether or not your husband meets the exposure criteria, you should definitely talk to his doctor. Of course it helps if someone else has noted his behavior and confusion. Screening for mental illness has become part of a primary care doctor's responsibilities in recent years. And medication can be prescribed for combative behavior. Get his medical care team - and VA Social Work - onboard ASAP.
The process for getting guardianship is long and a bit stupid (we had to have a doctor fill out a generic disability form that the State required; one question asked how long the disability was expected to last! Um, it's DEMENTIA).
The legal process includes having a lawyer talk with your husband privately to establish how present he is. In what I saw with my dad's case, it's mostly a token objection to having someone else legally put in charge of a person's finances and care.
Please make use of this forum for virtual hugs, commiseration, and practical advice. Being a caregiver is a tough job but you're in good company here.
This forum really helped me realize I needed to get Power of Attorney papers in place. But that may be too late, not sure...Would your husb do it for for benefit? First thing I would suggest is call his primary doc and try to get him in to be evaluated. His behavior may be a sign or perhaps there is another reason....
Also consider getting a counselor for yourself , someone to talk this out with who knows dementia.
Thirdly, my husband also had controlled all things $ too, and letting go only happened when a neuropsych eval told him he needed to bring me in and help..
And when he was making mistakes he blamed others for a while.
Perhaps you can open your own savings or checking, and squirrel away some cash.
Perhaps he will put your name on the accounts " in case he gets ill and can't write checks."
If he loves you and he has cared for you in the past, perhaps you can show him your love and concern by saying you "want him to be able to take care of things like usual, but what if he is in a car accident? "
Best wishes,
Prayers for you
Do you have a will? Does that will have a Spring Durable Power of Attorney in it? If so the document will say how many doctors are required to designate hour husband a no longer competent to safely manage family finances. As you have not been in habit of managing any yourself you may not be the one to safely take over Fiduciary actions for your husband and may need to hire on a Fiduciary after your husband's diagnosis.
Of course this is all AFTER STEP ONE which is the diagnosis. Otherwise you may be down to divorce and division of assets. See an Elder Law Attorney at once. My hope is that you are at least capable and have been allowed to sign checks so that you can pay for this. If not it is relatives and begging or borrowing the amount needed to do this. You may need to do a legal separation of assets if not a divorce. An uncooperative man such as this may end in the arms of the State for management. Sadly.
Quite honestly there is no time to delay. As your husband descends into dementia more and more there is no way of knowing what scams he may invest in which puts your money as well as his at risk.
My main question, about the bank accounts and credit cards, is: Is your name also on these accounts? If so, you can contact them, or go into the bank, and get a login and password of your own.
Misty, are you still here?
My mother had 2 accounts, one credit union/primary and a bank account where her SS was deposited. She did this to have local ATM access (before they became more widespread.) In her case, due to dementia I had to step in and take control. Because I was not her Rep Payee, I could not make the change through SS, but I was able to have the CU make the change. Once it happens, I can then close the bank account and deposit all funds in the CU (to make my life a little easier!) Eventually I had to sign up as Rep Payee in order to change the address (we were selling her condo after the move to MC.) My point here is the paperwork from SS specifically states NO ONE should manage another person's SS funds unless they are Rep Payee. This is a FEDERAL rule. Since your husband isn't your Rep Payee, YOU control the cards.
Your case is different - you don't need to have someone do this for you. After you open a new account (depending on the bank, they may require a small deposit - shop around.) Once that's done, call the local SS office to request your electronic funds be deposited in the new account.
Once you have that set up, perhaps open a credit account in your name. The bank or CU likely has their own card to offer, so you could start there. Use it to make one or two small but necessary purchases each month and pay off the balance when due. This will help build your credit. It will also give you a little autonomy.
Meanwhile, shop around the Elder attorneys. Many will offer a free first consult. Document what you know and bring that to the consult. Get advice from the attorney(s),
When you say "He refuses treatment of any kind.", are we talking refusal to see a doctor for even a yearly checkup or just refusing to listen to you about your concerns? If he will do a checkup, see if you can contact the doctor before the appointment and express your concerns - ask for this to be confidential.
A good checkup is a must anyway. There can be multiple reasons why someone is behaving in abnormal ways, infections, UTIs, PTSD you mentioned, etc. A good checkup, including blood work and urine culture can rule out some issues. Others noted that many docs now do "screen" for cognitive issues, but the tests I've seen used (they tried with my mother, who was already 2 years in MC - she couldn't complete it) are more to get a baseline and then compare with future rechecks to watch for changes. It's better than nothing! It was kind of amusing to have them administer it to me several months later at my checkup... If I am not up to snuff, how will I manage everything for my mother? Thankfully I "passed" the test.
The doctor should have enough expertise to get this done. If your husband balks or refuses, they could let him know that everyone gets the test and/or that Medicare requires it (they don't, but...)
IF he ever threatens you, don't hesitate to remove yourself from danger and call 911 - it might be one way to get him "committed" so that he can be tested. This should be last resort.
As others noted, you can't declare his dementia, that has to be done by doctor(s), but you can provide them with as much info as possible, video if you can get it, and express your concerns about his changed behavior.
Do get that account and SS ball rolling, so that you have some assets/resources. Even if you didn't work, you can still claim under his work record, if you've been married for at least 10 years - although it relies on his record, it is still YOUR SS.