She lost her husband in Aug from dementia, and seems to love living with us! She has lived with us since July. It's been ok but my husband and I are ready for a break, and feel she would do well living among her peers. When I bring up the subject she keeps saying she hasn't thought much about where she would like to be, and is grateful that she isn't on any time crunch to move.
Don't expect her to like it, nor to adjust very easily.
But this is something you must lay out for her, that you do not wish to live with others, and that you and your husband wish to live together alone in your home. That you will always love, support and help her, visit and etc, go out for lunches and what have you, but that there IS a time crunch and THAT TIME IS NOW. Tell her at the beginning of the year you will assist her in exploring her options, but that she will be required to pick ONE for herself within a few months time.
Beating around the bush and avoiding the truth isn't going to work. She may cry, rage, guilt trip you, do the martyr turn, and all are just fine. Meet whatever she puts out with this is simply a limitation of your, that you and hubby have discussed and agreed.
This is, of course, the problem with bringing someone into your home temporarily. It is a perfect set up for painting yourself right into a corner. Only honesty will get you out of it.
Make it a bit uncomfortable for her in your home. Don’t rush home to cook for her. Don’t be at her beck and call for recreation. Make it clear that your husband comes first. Get her to the point where she realizes that it’s not sustainable to mooch off you.
And do it before a health event that makes it impossible for her to go.
About Me
I am married and lucky to have such a supportive husband who offered to have my Mom to stay with us after the loss of her husband (from dementia). She is 84, and cared for her husband at home for 3+ yrs during his dementia until we convinced her he needed professional help. We moved him into a Memory Care facility, which was tough on her. While they were both still living at home, it became evident that she was beginning to have her own issues. We are in the process of testing for her to identify her diagnosis. While they were living at home, she began to hear "music, voices, and seeing people" in the house - all hallucinations. She has been with us since 7/3/23, and I'm trying to get some input from this group on how to get her excited about maybe moving to an indepedent living facility - and making it HER idea :)
I would not be moving an elder with dementia, who's having hallucinations and hearing voices/seeing people, into Independent Living, but into a full service Assisted Living facility (with Memory Care available) where she can have all the help she needs as needed. Things will only get worse and then you'll have to move her again, which isn't good.
I'd also choose a moving date and stick to it.
I doubt you'll get mom "excited" because change is scary for elders, especially those with dementia who thrive on routine and the "sameness" they can rely on. Here is a link with tips on how to help transition a loved one into AL:
https://workingdaughter.com/when-you-move-a-parent-to-assisted-living/
Best of luck to you.
Putting aside the fact that you cook, clean, and do everything for her she's probably doesn't want to go because she's afraid to be alone. At your house, you and your husband are there.
You have to be honest with her though that it's time for her to move to her own place because living with you was only going to be temporary. You don't have to make her uncomfortable about it. She's moving out and that's the end of it.
Hopefully the independent living will allow her to have a small dog or a cat. It's good for people to have an animal. It would also be a good idea to get a hired companion for your mother to spend time with her and take her out a few hours a week. It will take time for her to adjust, but she will. Get her moved before there's a health crisis and she can't move to independent living.
I imagine that she's not excited because she's out of the habit of caring for herself in her own surroundings, and yes, that habit goes out the window quickly. I also doubt she was doing it too well before her husband left the house, too. In spite of weekly day-long visits, I realized after the fact that my dad, who had no dementia but was caring for mom who did, was barely holding it together running a household and being a full-time caregiver.
Ensure you're putting Mom in the proper level of care, because moving her multiple times isn't going to go well.
Don’t place the burden on your mom to know when it’s the right time to move. Instead reassure her that she will be well cared for and that you will visit her as often as you can.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
She will be around other folks her own age and kept busy with lots of different activities.
So next time you bring it up and she says that she hasn't thought much about it, you then say well I have, and come the first of the year we're going to find you the right and best facility to enjoy your final years.
Someone with dementia(as you already know)only gets worse, never better, so best now to get your ducks in a row so you and your husband can enjoy your final years as well.
Best wishes.
I would say IL is not a good choice, AL with a step up program to MC would be my suggestion.
Just be honest with her, make the decision for her, with dementia they cannot make rational decisions.
Good Luck!
She'll probably fight you every step of the way.
You'll likely have to be a little pushy and she isn't going to be happy anywhere. That's just a very common and sad truth.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awBm4S9NwJ0
Go look at some AL/MC facilities for her (depending on where she is in her dementia she may not need to go--my mom couldn't remember the first place we looked at, so I went and looked at others alone), choose the one you like that's close enough to you that it's not a hassle to go visit, and move her.