I lived away from my mom for the good part of 20 years in young adulthood. I made the mistake of moving in with her when I returned to my hometown five years ago. I thought it would be a good idea to build savings to pay off my car note and have a down payment for a house.
Then I made an even bigger mistake of buying a house two years after living with her and allowing her to sell her condo to move in with me. Her condo was in an area she didn't like and she didn't get along with her neighbors. She is currently 77 years old and has lived in the house I bought for the last three years.
It took me a while to realize that the "bad temper" she always had was likely mental illness, either bipolar or CPTSD and it seemed to have gotten worse with age. She is always angry and cursing. She also has bad hearing but believes her hearing is good enough to hear what neighbors say about her. She thinks people are talking about her when it is almost impossible for her to hear what people say from a few feet away. She's made enemies of several of our neighbors and I'm constantly worried that she will start a new conflict or say something out of line with a neighbor.
In the three years she has lived with me she has regularly hit me, criticized me, and called me names. She hates my house and always says I was stupid to buy the house even though it's a fine house that occasionally needs standard repairs. She's called me every name in the book - a coward, b***h, and more. I try to ignore her stories about the neighbors but her world seems to revolve around what the neighbors say or think about her.
Her doctor knows about this and tried prescribing her Risperidone. For a few months, she was getting better on 1mg. Then her doctor made the mistake of increasing her dosage to 2mg which caused side effects. She stopped taking it altogether and refused to go back to 1mg. The only hope I had left of living in a peaceful home went away the day her doctor increased her dosage. She was showing improvement on 1mg and I would do anything to get her back on her meds, but I know it is a lost cause. She has accused me and her doctor of conspiring against her and wanting her to be a zombie so I can control her. I have thought about hiding the medication in her food and drink but have not tried doing so.
I've decided that I can't live with her anymore. She also says she hates living with me and prays she wins the lottery so she can move out. I have around 2 more years until my student loans are forgiven, which will give me enough money to buy a small place for each of us. I feel fortunate that besides the stress of my mother, my life is fairly good. I have a good six figure job. I can save and will have enough equity in my current house along with the modest amount of money my mother made from her condo to get two places after my student loans are forgiven. We live in an area where we can find a place that isn't too close to neighbors. I am going to make sure the place I buy for her has privacy so she can keep to herself and not cause problems with anyone too close to her. However, I hate that I will have to wait 2-3 years before I can get away from her. I can't believe that I've lasted 5 years total with her insanity.
Has anyone successfully managed to get their abusive or mentally ill parent out of your home? Were you financially well off enough to buy your parent a small home, apartment, or condo? Did you decide to rent a place for them? Or did you force them into assisted living against their will?
My mother is mentally ill but is physically healthy and is not demented. I took her to a neurologist several times and she was able to pass their tests. She will never move into assisted living if or until she is no longer cognitively aware of her surroundings. There are many days I wish she would disappear from my life forever. She's a sick person who is the biggest cause of stress in my life.
Your mother uses her money to pay rent in an apartment . She doesn’t need a house to take care of .
You don’t spend your money on Mom. When the time comes , you let Mom be a ward of the state , they will place her more easily than you trying to .
And go to a therapist to deal with this baggage. You don’t deserve to live with this .
Circumstance: You & Mom currently live together.
Thought: "I've decided that I can't live with her anymore. "
Feeling: "I feel fortunate that besides the stress of my mother, my life is fairly good.
(I sense feelings of HOPE here. Hope for your future 👍👍☺️)
Action:
Results: You & Mom live apart.
OK, this is much simplified than the messiness & stress of real life...
But! All that is missing from the list is the ACTION line.
So, take some time, reasearch, listen/read advice, see what fits you, look at all your options. Then decide on your best path of action.
I think you will do fine.
PS. Maybe add these 2 thoughts;
1. Who holds the responsibility to provide your home, as an independant adult?
2. Who holds the responsibility to fund Mom's housing & lifestyle?
You obviously weren't thinking straight when you decided to move in with your mother years ago, and then really weren't thinking AT ALL when you allowed her to move in with you.
And now on top of it you allow her to hit you, criticize you, and call you names. I mean really....PLEASE get yourself some much needed therapy, and get your mother the hell out of your house!!!
You say that your mother is "a sick person" but honestly you are just as sick as she is if not more for allowing such behavior to go in your own home.
DO NOT wait another 2-3 years to get your mother out of your home, but start the process TODAY!!!
And DO NOT spend one penny of your own on her housing or anything else! She can use the money from the sale of her condo to now rent a place somewhere far from you.
You owe your mother NOTHING! As in NOTHING!!!!
Sadly I don't think you realize that you deserve SO much better in life, and sadly I don't think you realize that any child that was abused in any way from a parent, should NEVER take on any care of them later in life.
Because I too was abused by my parents, your situation sounds like living in pure hell to me.
You need help. Help to get your mother out soon....start the eviction process now(DO NOT WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE OUT OF DEBT OR SHE WILL BE WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE), and help to get your life back on track with the help of a good therapist, so you can better understand why at your age you would still allow your mother to use and abuse you.
Your situation is so very heartbreaking to me as I find it very hard to believe that you actually choose to live in such a dysfunctional and unhealthy environment.
You do deserve better, but until you believe that you will never make the changes necessary to improve your life.
Sell your house as soon as you can and get yourself a one-bedroom apartment until those loans you're referring to are gone. Let mom figure her situation out for herself.
You did your best. You tried to help her and make her life better, and in return she made your life hell on wheels. So, you can look at yourself in the mirror and honestly say you tried.
But don't wait for "2 years"; in 2 years, your mom will be on the cusp of turning 80, and who knows what health issues will crop up that will bind you to her until she is dead? Right now, she at least is mobile and able to feed and bathroom herself. Her doctor hasn't declared her incompetent or unable to live alone. This might very well be your best "chance" to escape this woman and her abuse. You matter; you deserve a better life than the one you are living right now.
Good luck!
Start the process and move mom's out of your home like yesterday. Hitting, verbal abuse and physical abuse is wrong.
A woman can give birth, but may lack the common decency to be a mother. It sounds like you have a trauma bond with the womb donor. Sorry to say that, but she is beyond capable of offering you anything else.
Please get her out of your house and let her use her own money to secure a place of her own. Seventy seven is not that old by today's standards. If she is still in her right mind, she can make her own decisions.
Honey, it is time for Sista to go!