His relatives abroad (Philippines) leave Facebook messages asking for money. These are his siblings. While I can empathize with their problems, especially after a typhoon or natural disaster, I am feeling a bit numb after so many requests and when there seems to be little concern for what is happening to us (my mom died a few years ago, I’m the sole caretaker). I don’t want to become cynical but Dad’s wasting away is so overwhelming that I’m often fatigued by the end of the day. It’s not about the money, but the lack of feeling and consideration, that gets me down. Are we just an ATM machine? Do they not understand the severity of Dad’s health? The feeling that the “family” isn’t really family is so sad. In hindsight I can see that the generosity of my parents (a trait I always admired) should have been tempered with boundaries and discernment.
Please accept my condolences on the loss of your wife. From reading your profile she had been quite ill for a long time.
I don't know your step-daughter but her "shopping list" could very well not be what you think. She may be worried that her mother's jewelry will be lost or given away by mistake, or stolen if there's going to be people showing up at your house because they do show up when someone passes.
When a family member I was very close to was in the hospital and she wasn't going to recover, I went into her house and took jewelry. Not for myself but because if I didn't do this her things would have gotten sold and smoked up in her DIL's crackpipe. She had granddaughters and nieces that these things belonged to by rights. She just didn't have time to write it down.
Your step-daughter just lost her mother. She has grief too even if how's she expressing it seems indifferent to you.
This may sound extreme, but after several of the predatory situations in my family, my parent completely cut off communication with my bad-acting siblings. Doing so reduced their stress.
Is your Dad of sound mind? (If he is not, it would be inappropriate for the POA to send them money). Generally a financial agent (per legal POA) has the right to make any decisions. But, the agent also has a fiduciary responsibility. In this fact pattern, heirs could eventually sue the POA alleging breach of fiduciary duty, recklessness and fraud/collusion.
if your dad is of sound mind, this is technically his choice, but it is extremely unethical for them to ask when he is ill.
I personally witnessed predatory behavior in my family. One sibling was trying to unethically force one of my parents to give a huge sum of money at a time when that parent was extremely ill. (My parent was of sound mind and refused). Another quit making loan payments when they suspected my parent was too ill to notice and/or pursue the funds. A lawyer had to get involved before payments were resumed.
My parent heartbreakingly said, “aren’t they supposed to wait until I’m dead to start picking at my bones?”
Elderly or parents who (God forbid) have an illness that they will not recover from should not try to hold onto the money the way so many do. There's an old saying and it's true,
'You can't take it with you'.
It makes sense for your sibling to ask for a sum of money before your parents pass on or end up in a care facility. If he tried to steal it, that's different. Or the other sibling stops making loan payments to them for borrowed money. What's so wrong with this? Many people, especially the elderly think it's better to hoard all of their money while they're still alive. Why? To maximize how much the care facility gets? Or so their adult kids will have more to fight over when they die? Usually it's because they think if they can lord the money over their family, that it guarantees the adult children will take on their caregiving. It never works out like that.
I'd tell them that you have no idea how much money that you are going to need for your father's continued care and that you simply, will not spend/give any money that isn't directly needed for him.
That said.... I do believe that true financial need can cloud the judgment and lead to inappropriate requests for financial help... but this relative of mine always has a lot of extras/luxuries so that it's really hard to build a case that he was desperate and asked for money at a bad time.
I'm so sorry you feel like an ATM. This is so sad.
No is a complete answer. While you can provide an explanation, only do that once, Explanations have a way of providing people chinks to pry open to revisit the issue. Don’t revisit the issue, use the broken record technique of No. That’s only if they manage to get by the controls you’ve put in place. I have learned this the hard way.
No is a complete sentence.
Good luck!
If the amts of money are not a real issue, maybe dad will continue to want to help for whatever time he has left. He probably always felt good about being in a position to help them. Send them all a private msg via FB to let them know how sick your dad is. If you know for sure that dad does NOT want to help them any longer, then tell them that due to his health problems and medical expenses, he is no longer able to send money - he was very happy to do it as long as he could, but he has to take care of his own needs now.
Its time you step in on behalf of your father telling his relation that the bank is closed. I would say I feel for what you are going thru but my father needs his money to take care of himself and his medical needs. Please do not ask again.
Unfortunately at times like this, when a someone is taking care of a terminally ill family member, other family members show their true stripes. The bottom line is there’s nothing you can do about their callous attitude towards your dad. I have a brother in hospice with glioblastoma who lives 1500 miles away. I live in a $750/mo apartment and our other brother (also far away) lives in a million dollar house, has a six figure income, and recently took a $20,000 birthday trip. He has refused to help at all or to visit our brother. Hello! He’s terminally ill! Fortunately my cousins and others have helped out.
I was extremely angry for a while, and I can go there periodically. But it’s a huge drain on my energy, not to mention it scared my friends. Save your energy for enjoying your dad’s last days. His relatives are being small and shouldn’t rob you of your mental health or time with your dad.
hug katepaints!!! :)
terrible about your wealthy brother. some people’s behavior is unbelievable.
hug!!!
i too spent/spend days fuming at my siblings. you’re right, it drains energy. i know, it harms only us. they live unaffected.
i get so angry i feel it all over my body — and i get a big frown.
i’m normally a smiley person. i bet you’re too! :)
hugs, leah071 — i almost read that as 007 :).
leah james bond.
:)
there must be some justice somewhere. for example, some karma for badly behaved family members.
i can’t wait!!
but somehow i don’t see the justice happening right now. seems to be planned (by whatever your belief-system is) for later.
too bad.
maybe it’s a sign, that there’s something even more important than justice.
hug!!!
1. Block, block, block. Change your facebook account if you have to so they can’t find you.
2. CHANGE the phone numbers they may have, and be rid of them.
3. Understand that you are indeed considered to be an ATM machine, and let this guide your actions
4. If your father has money to send to them, then your father has money for you to find care for him. Get help in before you get engulfed in this.
5. Then do it. And don’t look back. And do NOT entertain any other messages or calls. You owe them nothing.
I don't think I'd use words such as predatory or greedy to describe people who may be desperate and barely surviving. Are they? Of course I've no idea what your father's family's circumstances are. Their timing is bad, certainly, from your point of view, but it's possible they don't have much choice about that.
We had a post a few days ago from a lady in Myanmar (Burma) - even more challenging than the Philippines, just now, because their troubles are political as well as natural, but it was a good object lesson in remembering that Westerners do tend to take a lot for granted.
Ignore these people for the time being, you're certainly entitled to do that. Did your father make provision for any of his family in his will?
With all respect to you, 'predatory' and 'greedy' are the perfect words to describe these people. The Philippines are world renown for scamming. Even in families if there's belief that someone may have money.
Whether or not people in western countries take things for granted does not mean that because a person lives in a western country that they owe something to people who don't.
It's like I said about my friend, his Filipino wife, and her poor impoverished family who were living pretty well.
"As I write this message, my father lies in his bed dying from Pancreatic cancer. His time here on earth is limited. I would like to enjoy the last few days or weeks with him without you requesting money on a daily basis. Please be aware that the money train stops today. That upon his death, I will be inheriting whatever assets my father has. Because I have no "close family ties" to you, the money my father gave to you so generously will not continue. Please discontinue trying to contact my father or me. You will be blocked."
You will need to be blunt. You owe these people nothing. If you give them money, then you will be bombarded. I just read this:
"The United States and the Philippines have a strong trade and investment relationship, with over $27 billion in goods and services traded (2086). The United States is one of the largest foreign investors in the Philippines, and is the Philippines' third-largest trading partner.Jan 21, 2020"
Seems like those immigrating here do well. So your Dads siblings could have come over. With your Dad already here, he could have helped them. So, they could have had what your Dad did.
https://www.migrationpolicy.org/article/filipino-immigrants-united-states-2020
So sorry you are going thru this. I hope you have Hospice involved.