We've been having issues with my MIL for the last 4 years. We live in another country but we bought a house and had a handicapped apartment added to it for her. If you look back I think you can see all the problems we were having with her.
In Dec. she fell 5 times in 8 days. The ambulance service that came to pick her up ended up calling an agency and reporting her as an endangered senior. They came out to evaluate her and decided she was fine. She had someone come in mornings M-F for 3 hours to clean, run errands and get breakfast and lunch and someone that came in 6 nights a week to bathe her, get dinner and clean up the mess she made after the morning person left. Everyone agreed that it would be best for her to move but she was not declared mentally incompetent (shocker!) so she could make her own decisions. The state agency even agreed that she was competent.
When we were home for 2 weeks at Christmas we told her she had to move. We told her we had found an AL place where some of her friends were. We asked her if they could come out and talk to her and she said yes. Unfortunately they said she didn't qualify for AL. She will need to be in a nursing home. Luckily this place had AL and a NH. We took her to see the nursing home side and she reluctantly agreed to go "for a short time". It's a nice place, everyone has their own room. They allowed her to get rid of the bed and bring in a lift chair to sleep in. She has enough money that she can live here for 6-7 years as a private pay patient.
The problem is - she's ready to go home. She's only been there 1 1/2 weeks and she keeps saying it's time to go home. And the facility can't keep her if she gets it in her head to ask someone to come pick her up and take her home. Although, she won't be able to get in. We had so many people that came and went (aides, ambulance, police, visitors) and she kept handing out the code to unlock the door anytime someone came over so we've changed all the codes. Since we're so far away, we didn't like the idea of someone possibly breaking in since they knew we were gone.
And one of her children came and cleaned out all the food in the house. What was usable they kept for themselves, what was outdated they threw away. Also some of the furniture is gone. We had to burn her old lift chair (bought a new one for the NH) as it was disgusting. Poop and pee all over it.
I'm guessing since the state has said she is competent, there is nothing we can do if she just gets up to leave. Has anyone had this problem? If so, do you have advice on how to keep her there?
Thanks!
She might just be blowing smoke, you know. When you speak with her, be non committal. We'll see. You need to talk to the doc. Have to wait until the next fiscal quarter. Whatever you need to say.
How realistic is it to think that she can get herself home? Is anyone at the NH doing anything to facilitate? Because while they technically can't keep her from leaving, I don't believe they are required to lift a finger to assist her going home.
THey are also required, at least in my state, to make sure it's a " safe discharge".
Call the SW at the NH and ask how much assistance they are going to provide if she insists on " going home"? Will they check out her home beforehand? Will they ascertain that she has care, food, a bed, in place?
Make sure your family understands the game plan, and not to play into MILs manipulation.
Then came Hurricane Katrina in 2005. Her home had 9 feet of water and she looked at me and said, “I guess I will move in with you now.” She felt she was too old to rebuild. The city was like a war zone after Katrina. It took a major storm to get her out of that house!
Did she have a hard time adjusting to moving 50 miles away from the city into the burbs? You bet she did. She slowly came around. It’s a grieving process of losing the life they had before. Understandable, I had an adjustment period and I was in my 30’s when I moved here. Harder for a senior citizen, set in their ways, they have a routine.
It may be as you suggested, a period of adjustment. That is natural. Everything is different for her.
You know that you made the right decision. My mom falls too. Falls are dangerous and they get hurt. She can’t go home without round the clock care and it’s exhausting.
I’m 63 now. My mom is 93! There are days I feel like I am 93 too. Vent anytime. We’re here to listen and hopefully you will find help in some capacity. Best of luck to you and your family.
Sounds like a nice place to me. Room of her own is a plus.
MIL's thoughts right now are that she'll just go back home and hire someone to come in to help her from 7 am - 8 pm 7 days a week. With her issues while this will help with the falls, this won't help with her other issues.
But, if you had to go that route, THAT is YOUR ESCAPE HATCH. YOU control access to your home, and if caregiving becomes unsafe, YOU can force a move to a NH facility. You can evict folks. It sounds harsh when I say it this way...but from my perspective of 5 years caring for my MIL and another member of my husband’s family, I am over living in someone else’s home, caregiving on THEIR TERMS. I did it because my husband loved his mom and I love him...it was hard, but we did it. But it has had a negative impact on my health over time. I now resent the choice we made and the hoops she and others made us jump through. I wish I had not stayed in the relationship and allowed it to end
The state sent out a social worker when the ambulance reported her as an endangered senior but with the help we had coming daily they said there really wasn't anything they could do. :(