Guilt over unequal grieving for parents. Is it common to lose love as a caregiver?
This forum saved my sanity, possibly my life. For nearly 20 years, after my father died, I was caregiver for my mother. She made nothing easy and our already difficult relationship became downright toxic. As she sank into dementia, I tried to keep my compassion. Love was harder. I think I loved my mother once, but I can't remember. When my father died, I felt like my heart was torn out. When my mother died, I was just numb. Now I am settling the estate and clearing out a huge jam packed house...attic to basement. It is filled with the possessions of my parents, their parents, a summer cottage, my late brother's house. As I went through boxes, I found things that reminded me of better times and I felt some sadness about my mother. Then I ventured into my father's workshop and just howled with grief. I don't know if it's common to lose love as a caregiver. I sure still miss my father more than my mother. I am still receiving condolences for my mother and I feel fake.
If people offer their condolences for your mother’s death, just say ‘thank you’. You don’t need to explain, and you don’t need to feel guilty. With luck, as time passes the recent difficult times will fade, and the happier memories from early on will be bigger in your mind. Best wishes, and I hope you survive the miserable ‘clearing out’ time as best you can.
After I married, DH and I had fertility troubles and thought we’d never have a child. After 3 pregnancy losses, I had a beautiful healthy baby.
Two and a half weeks after his birth, my father went to his garden to plant his asparagus, and dropped dead. I was totally inconsolable for 2 1/2 years, and to this day over 3 decades later experience guilt, grief, and remorse almost as fresh as the day he died.
My mother had a stroke at 85 and rehabbed herself to continue to live by herself until at 89, she fell and broke her hip. After a trial (unsuccessful) of living with me, we placed her in a nearby residential care center where she lived comfortably until her sweet and peaceful death a few days short of aged 95.
My dad was my anchor. My mom was a difficult but fiercely loving woman, to whom I became much closer following my dad’s death.
I grieved them very differently. I cherish memories of them both. I am grateful for them both. I feel no guilt at all about the different aspects of grieving them.
That changes the dynamic a lot and I am sure you saw her decline in those years. Every time we see and have to deal with a decline we mourn the loss. We loose bits and pieces day by day, month by month so it is much different than when we get a phone call one day and hear ..your Mom had a stroke and died before they got her to the hospital...your dad was killed in an accident. Those are blows because we did not expect, we could not prepare for.
As for the numbness that will ease and you will find yourself grieving for her as well. As to going into your Dad's workshop....if you started caring for your Mom right after his death you truly were not able to mourn that loss it is now catching up.
Take things one by one. If it pains you stop for a while. This is new grief so do not rush things. If a box has been sitting there for 20 years another few months will not change things.
It is also do some care-giving for yourself! If you can, take a little vacation if you can't at least step away form everything for a little while
You are feeling numb right now and you were her caregiver for 2 decades, right now you are dealing with the release of the weight you have been bearing, relief most likely. IMO. I would be.
Be gracious to yourself and know that you gave her care and support while she needed it, now it's time to give yourself the same.
Enjoy the memories of happy events as you clear out all the stuff, it can be cathartic for you.
Grief doesn't follow a timetable, or stages for that matter. Over the course mourning for my dear father, I never encountered "denial," "bargaining," or any of those stages you read about.
At first I felt relief, almost joy, that Dad's suffering was over. I knew he hated the pain, confusion, and disability of his last few weeks, and now he was free! The tears didn't come until the 3rd or 4th day when I realized my own loss, that I would never see my father again in this life. Now 2 years later, I feel sad sometimes. Sometimes I don't. On the second anniversary of his death, the grief ran over me like a freight train.
I don't have the same relationship with Mom. When she passes, I don't know how I'll feel. But whatever those feelings are, they'll be legitimate. They'll be real. They'll be mine. And they're all okay.
Allow yourself to grieve. Or not. Whatever your feelings are, embrace and accept them. Listen to them. Give them the respect they deserve, whether or not they "fit" your perception of how they "should" be. Most importantly: No guilt!
This is probably hard wired into the human brain in a way to help us survive an inevitable loss of a close family member who has a life ending illness - at least I believe this to be true because I too felt some of the same as mom had dementia for years, but was in a NH, as I saw her losing her milestones
As for my dad, he and I were closer, but once I was a married adult, my dad was more interested in spending time with his buddies than with his family. Once he went into an assisted living facility, I looked after things like his bills for him. I still feel tremendous guilt that I didn't visit him more than once a week. There wasn't much conversation, although he apparently complained to his visiting nurse that we didn't come to see him enough. When I was there, he would sit and watch boring old TV shows the entire time.
He wanted to come to our house and for us to take him places, but he was in a motorized wheelchair and it was not possible for him to come to our house. Also, he was reckless in that thing, and would frequently run into things or get one wheel off the ramp of his van. The only time we took him out to eat was when my brother was in town, so that my husband and my brother could deal with the occasional off-the-ramp issues. There again, I feel guilty that I didn't find some way to get him out of the facility more often.
Whenever a parent dies, there are always mixed emotions, whether you had a good relationship or a bad one. The parent-child relationship is full of land mines, and it's always complex because they are so much a part of who you are.
Being a Christian, I take my guilt and my sorrows to God. I'm not as at peace about the past as I should be, but I'm working on it. Praying that you find peace, too.
After years of resenting and even even hating my mom, I’ve come to realize we have a different type of love. She told me for the first time in 40 years that she loved me and all I could wonder was what type of manipulative statement or agenda she had for saying that.
It is alright to have two different types of love for each of your parents and you are perfectly normal to feel the difference in grief. I see so much of myself in your post and so much of the survivors/caregiver guilt I allow myself to have. Be strong and know that you are not alone in what you are feeling; but remember most of all to love yourself and congratulate yourself in your ability to be the caregiver you were to your mom. I wish I could reach out and physically give you a hug. You are amazing.
You did not stop caring for your mother, even through the hard time with her. You were there, you did the best you could for her, under the circumstances. In grief, take as much time as you need and forgive eventually, then moved on and live your life to the fullest. Most importantly, take special care of yourself. Your doing great!
In some ways, this is an honorable thing to do, but it does have its disadvantages.