How can I cope with the guilt of not wanting to care for a terminally ill narcissistic mother?

First piece of advice: get a counselor. You probably need some good guidance now that you can count on to draw appropriate boundaries.
Second piece of advice: as much as you will read here about selfish siblings who won't help out, I fully recognize (and encourage you to, as well) that family relationships are complicated, and some siblings stay away from toxic situations for good reasons. Some stay away because they truly don't recognize the scope of effort that goes into caregiving, especially for a (let's just say cranky) person.
My own sister is a thousand miles away, and has her own issues to deal with. Her relationship with my Dad was never placid, and so she is better off offering assistance from afar than from next to my side.
You may be just like my sister. You may not.
In these times of crisis, there is a part of us that cries, "Get me out of this!" and another part that cries, "I have to fix this before it's too late." Neither part has all the facts. Both parts can co-exist and neither part has to "win." A good counselor will help. I send you all the best.

Rose, you are not the "golden child" but the "Scapegoat". Always getting the blame, right? So from one scapegoat to another, stay far, far away. The reason, nothing will ever change. So protect yourself.

Rose, I know that some promises really need to be broken, but in this case I'd like to see you keep your promise to yourself that you will not be alone with her again. I say go an visit her at least once, soon -- for your sake. You will always struggle with "should I have" if you don't. But also try to arrange for a sister or someone else to be in the room with you. Can you stay with a sister? If not, consider a motel. Why set the two of you up for an emotionally exhausting experience?

Can you help your sisters from afar? Perhaps send money to pay for respite care? Send them gift certificates for dinner out? Ask them what they need that you can provide without actually being present.

And I hope you realize down deep that it is NOT YOUR FAULT that your mother is mentally ill any more than it is your fault she has cancer.

Best wishes to you.

No offense NancyH, but I would leave out the "goodbye mom, too bad you are such an evil person" I can't see the wisdom in taking time off from a job and paying for an airline ticket just to take a cheap shot at someone who is dying. Mom is the one who has the mental illness, not Rose. Cattails.

I am one of the sibs that 'stayed away' for the most part, from my dad, who was like your mom... But when I did choose to do something or be involved, it was for ME, not him. So I can honestly say I have no regrets.... I was the Scapegoat, not just with him but the whole family... I am so grateful I am not like them.. but your concern for your sisters is very admirable... kudos to you.... follow your gut, not your heart or your head.... Make that visit, make sure someone is with you to honor your own decision to never be alone with her again.... tell her bye and leave... help out however you can and only if you want to for YOU... I don't and never did feel guilt in regard to him... he made his choices, I made mine, he is gone, I am still here with my head held high.... best wishes for you , just follow your gut....hugs

Hi Rose: Good to hear from you. I guess I'm thinking about your promise to yourself that you would never be alone with your mom again. Is your husband going to be home during your mom's visit? Do you have a close girlfriend who would be willing to come stay at your house during her visit? I'm hoping you can surround yourself with adequate support, people who can engage with your mom and help her enjoy her visit while also giving some protection in numbers.

I feel for you and understand your dread. Try to distance yourself emotionally from her words and don't respond to negative comments. If you can control your anger by realizing that your mom has a mental illness, then things will not escalate. I think you know all of this. Maybe you and your hubby can practice on how to respond to her, before she arrives.

Good luck Rose and keep us posted. Hugs, Cattails

Rose, I know you posted this thread about a year ago, but I just discovered it today. I hope things are better for you. But I'd like to tell you, and others, what seems to be working for me. My mother is narcissistic and controlling... and I am her scapegoat, her only daughter, and her full-time live-in caregiver. I gave up a lot to do this, but I felt it was the right thing to do. I've spent the past couple of years in agony, trying to figure out how to get through to her, somehow, thinking that if she understood what she was doing, she would "see the light" and suddenly appreciate the support and assistance from me. Wrong. Not going to happen. Then the cycle of resentment, guilt, frustration, responding out of anger, and self-condemnation. It was making me crazy.

I finally just stopped. She's not going to change. She sees no need for change. I am the one who is wrong (just ask her!). My brothers are perfect (they rarely see her) and I am nothing to her.

She's 84, she has mild dementia and she just plain wants to be left alone. I have finally accepted that. Now, instead of trying to get her to take care of herself, to eat properly, to drink her fluids, to get outside once in awhile, or at least get out of the recliner from time to time, I just go about my business. I still meet her basic needs. I cook. I clean. I still check on her during the night. But I don't expect anything from her. No love. No compassion. No acknowledgment. No kindness. She's simply not willing to give that to me. In fact, she refuses to let me talk to her about anything other than the weather. Literally. Imagine living in a house that's not your own (as I am constantly reminded) and not being able to speak freely.

Instead of grieving over that, I do one simple thing. Once a day at some point, I ask my mother if I can hug her. She lets me... for a few seconds. Then it's over. But it is a connection. And if we can't connect intellectually, emotionally or any other way, we at least have that.

A lot goes into that brief daily hug, at least for me. It has to contain everything I wish we could have shared, everything I wish she would let me say to her, and I have to derive from it everything I had hoped she would be willing to give. It has to be "enough."

And so far, it has been. I can't do anything about her physical illness or her emotional and mental issues. But at least now, I've made peace with myself, knowing that I have done and will continue to do the best I can.

My heartfelt thanks goes out to all of you who have taken the time to relate your painful experiences and give some hard-earned advice. You have shared your wisdom and given me some hard truths to think about. This is difficult territory, but it's somehow made a little easier knowing others have been on this path and are still around and willing to help others.

My husband’s mother is a very hateful and cruel woman; whom the siblings as well as her ex-husband believe is a narcissistic, sociopath. When I married my husband, he was surprised at how my family functioned, social gatherings without drama, people enjoying the gathering without any arguing and no excessive drinking. As his mother lives only two blocks from us, she was always invited. However, it was always a huge amount of drama getting her to attend. When his mother did attend, there was an uneasy feeling within the group. Not to exclude her, I made every excuse to assure her that she would be happier if she just attended. I was responsible for taking her to every doctor’s appointment, picking up groceries and taking her to the pharmacy. She was notorious for cancelling her doctor’s appointments an hour prior to the appointment; cancelling upwards of 10 times in a row. She would ask inappropriate questions about our relationship. She would call and rant for hours if allowed about crazy things; she is paranoid about everyone and rarely leaves her home. The scary part is she has a loaded weapon in her home. After calling our home over 20 times in 15 minutes; including our cell phones, my husband blocked her calls from our home, still allowing her to phone his cell. This actually caused the demise of our relationship, she phone my husband and ranted for an hour and no amount of reasoning could make her understand that she had caused this to happen and it was important for our family unit to have a calm and wholesome life. Just blocking her calls made her call the other siblings ranting about how cruel he was, how terrible I was and that she was sure it was my doings. He also told her that she could talk to him anytime via his cell phone but, she was not allowed to contact me or my family that he did not want, what was a healthy family, to have deal with her problems. He and his sibling’s wrote her a very detailed letter before Christmas, a year ago, outlining all that they had dealt with during their childhood, how she had affected every relationship, they ever had and how she constantly tried to pit one sibling against the other, and swear each to secrecy. Within the letter, they told her this was no longer acceptable. This letter sent her over the edge, swear she was the good mother, giving everything she had, how dare they challenge her parenting. It has been over a year with all ties cut, she does stay in contact with the other sibling’s, but it is very rocky and she can’t seem to stop bashing us for staying our distance. On the bright side, my husband is the happiest I’ve ever seen and our relationship if great. News from the siblings is her health is failing and she feels like we, my husband and I, should be more concerned about her health. Honestly, my husband feels as though she is dead, he has mourned the mother he should have had and the mother he still could have had she been willing to understand boundaries. Sad, but I think it is best for all. She will only continue the same behavior until her death if we allowed her back in our lives.
Therefore, I feel you might want to take the same approach, remember you did not ask to have this type of mother and she is not a child, she is responsible for her behavior and if she cannot or will not change, then live your life to the best of your ability without guilt, for it is a useless emotion.

I love the advice to get a counselor. As a mental health therapist I can tell you from experience that you are not alone. Many clients wait until adulthood to address issues they have carried with them for a life time. Being in therapy does not mean there is something wrong with you! Having a parent that was physically or mentally abuse can have lasting effects well into your adulthood. Now that mom is sick, it is very natural for you to harbor some guilt over not being there, or perhaps not being a better daughter. Don't do that to yourself. Ask yourself what you need to make peace with her and your relationship and then take steps in that direction. If it is important for you to feel that you have helped your siblings then make the trip. If you are at peace remaining where you are because that is what's best for you, respect yourself for making a safe decision. The important thing is that you are able to be at peace with yourself when all is said and done.