Stepdad has dementia and my mom keeps throwing hints on them living with us. I'll be divorced. I have a wonderful man and we have always been everyone's caretakers since we were married at 18...from his siblings, to my siblings, to their children, his parents (he was a late in life baby)...til this day we haven't stepped back to enjoy our lives...now my mom keeps hinting on moving in with stepdad who has dementia and their adopted 15 year old son. I help every chance I get to lessen her load, the problem is I can't move them in because she doesn't want to do it anymore, that's alot to put on my husband who has done so much already, but hearing her complain about him everyday is heartbreaking...guidance please
Her future is now so uncertain. What will happen? How fast will he decline? How to cope? Living with you probably sounds more secure & less scary but the reality is dementia IS unknown & scary - wherever they live.
You could reassure her that you will be there for her along this journey.
Some councelling through a dementia organisation may be of great help. Provide support, information, someone else to open up to, to explore options. Not everyone will be able to care for a person with dementia.
A friend of mine's father was placed into care early as advised by their Doctor. While it would have been nicer for him to stay at home longer, this was the best solution to meet the whole family's needs: 2 teenagers still left to raise - Mother now like a single parent & financially had to return to work. Just couldn't provide supervision the Father needed.
I told him, Pop, you have too long to live to live with me. Mom passed in 2004 and Pop passed in 2011. They were 64 & 65 when I moved here. Mom was 82 when she passed and Pop was 89 when he passed.
I believe by being on their own, they lived longer! He was 81 when Mom passed and he stayed in his house for about 3 years before I felt the need to move him into a trailer on my property - and he lived another 4.5 years after that.
Independence is invaluable. I assisted my dad for the full 7.5 years after Mom passed - but he enjoyed his independence to the max.
Good Luck to you.
It will not happen. She and hubby don't get along super - they are ok for a thanksgiving dinner, or some outing -- but couldn't live together and I'd be soooooo squeezed in the middle. Plus, she and I can be like oil and water some days -- so I"m sure it would be awful.
So, they have just updated their legal docs (POA etc.) and will be giving us a copy. At that point, I'm going to have a discussion and be honest, that moving in with us will not be an option. Ask if she has given thought to other arrangements - knowing that it is likely several years off, and we have plenty of time to plan. I'm sure she's 50% joking when she makes those comments, but I need to make it clear now, that it will not be a possibility.
I'm afraid that's the same route you will have to take - a quiet conversation as others have said, letting them know your house is not an option, and helping them create a plan and a backup plan. Best of luck, I know quite well how hard those conversations are going to be!!
Followup with let’s talk through some options(your home isn’t one of them).
Go from the point of making it real in her own mind first.
My mom likes to make me search for solutions without verbalizing her ownership/ situation. I run in to fix then She says she never ASKED me to. Your mom sounds a little like that. Start with her.
That must have been hurtful -- so your son's in-laws get to move in at some point with them, but not you?
After you and hubby have agreed on the assistance you can give, plan on have a long heart to heart talk with mom. It would be better if the teen son could mind his dad while you talk to her alone. Ask her what kinds of assistance she needs with her family. Outline what you and your spouse have agreed to do for assistance. Since she sounds competent, direct her to other resources to fill in the gaps. She is responsible for her family's care... not you.
It is commendable that you and your hubby have helped so many people in the past. Bravo! Brava! However, that doesn't mean there must be an encore.
But the option "you all move in with me and my husband" does not even have to be on the list. Why is it the only one that occurs to her and (with sinking heart) to you?
The responsibility of caretaking for elderly continues to increase to a level of nearly impossible (at the end). That responsibility should not be undertaken unless everyone is 100% on board.
Everything u said I have thought on multiple occasions....
Inlaws were in my home but taken care of by husband and his siblings
I was twenty three and pregnant....
Mom has her own health issues....
Mom doesn't talk bad about husband she adores him...As everyone does...had to go back and read....she complains about stepdad...
Its a mess but u guys have opened my eyes to adulting and I'll just have to speak my truth to her....
Thank u
Next time she says it, just say, "sorry Mom its not going to happen". I will help when I can. If you need more help, you may have to hire someone to clean and help with SD. Having parents move in is one thing but bringing a 15 yr old? I would also tell her that you no longer will put up with her putting ur DH down. The next time she does, you will go home and she will get no help. BOUNDRIES, set them now. You are entitled to do what u want when u want. There r horror stories about people moving a parent/s in. Just imagine if she puts your husband down in his own house. Add to that a person suffering from Dementia, that u never know what they will do and a 15 yr old being raised by people old enough to be great grand parents. Don't doo it.
Actually, the 15 yr old should be taught to do things for himself if he isn't doing it already. Make and strip his bed. Keep room fairly tidy. Wash his own clothes and bedding. If he has a bath to himself, he can clean it himself. He can help with meal cleanup.
If they have money Mom can use it to hire an aide to help with SD. Cleaning lady once a month to do the deep cleaning. Swiffer products are great for a quick dusting. Their dry mop does great on vinyl, hard, and Laminated flooring. If they fit the criteria, they maybe able to get help from Office of Aging or Medicaid for SD care.
SD will get worse. He may need LTC eventually. In that instance, Mom would be the Community Spouse. Assets will be split with her staying in the home and she will have a car. She will be able to pay bills.
" i can't move them in because she doesn't want to do it anymore..." From that sentence I am getting that your relationship with Mom has never been great. So, you definately don't want to move them in. I have always said, two adult women cannot live in the same house especially when one of them owns it. I would never had wanted my MIL living with me. She would have tried to get her way. My house, my way.
Stop listening to her complaints. When she starts complaining, ask her "Mom, what do you want to do about it?" There's a whole philosophy about complaining that says complaining only makes things WORSE because it prevents positive actions from being taken.
Why do people go into a situation - not wanting to go in & knowing it will be a train wreck? Don't be one of the people seeing the headlights coming but didn't step off the track.
You deserve to do what works for you. (lather, rinse, repeat as many times as you need)
Having elders living in my home just does not work for me, in any way, shape or form. I lived the horror story of having my grandmother living with us when I was a kid. It not only ruined MY childhood, but my mother's sanity, my parent's marriage, and life in general for all involved (not to mention my poor grandmother's quality of life). Taking someone in out of guilt or obligation never turns out well.
Help your folks figure out how to maintain their OWN lives without ruining yours. That's the best gift you can give EVERYONE.
Best of luck
I was lucky that I grew up with a mom who usually said yes and then resented what she had volunteered to do ( or been guilted into). She finally started saying "no" when she saw that it was destroying our childhoods and my dads happiness. So, I'm grateful that I learned that I would survive a parent's disappointment, anger, rage.
Next time she hints, get the conversation out in the open. Don't beat around the bush. Say, "no mom, we cant do that". And mean it.