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Hi there.


My grandparents were both moved into a nursing home within the past week. They both have dementia. My grandmother can remember most things, but she recently started hallucinating. My grandfather has about a 2-minute memory span. My grandmother has fallen 10+ times in the past week, with the most recent time causing a hospital visit with staples to the back of her head. This is what prompted the move into the nursing home. My family lives an hour away, and they have nobody else to care for them. We cannot be expected to drive an hour both ways to pick her up off the floor multiple times a night. (They’ve exhausted the local fire department with their calls). The problem is that my grandmother has panic attacks and calls us from one of the nurses’ phones multiple times a day screaming to get her out of there. My grandfather tries to calm her down, but it doesn’t help. This is too emotionally taxing on my entire family. My father, (their child) has a history of heart attacks and I worry that the stress of this will give him another one. We all know that they cannot go back to their home, but she refuses to accept it. The thing is it was actually her idea to go into the home. Now that she’s there, she refuses to stay. This is the best option. She has full time care for bathing, moving, cooking, and cleaning, which we previously had to do for her. Plus, they are 5 minutes from our house as opposed to an hour away. How do we get her to realize that there is no going back? This is the best option for everyone.

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'Refusing to stay' is expressing their wishes. It's understandable. Everyone wants to go home - be younger & independent again.

Sadly this cannot be.
Also, there are times we don't get our preferred choice, or much of a choice at all.
This is one.

Supervised & supportive residential accommodation is now required. The choices are this facility or maybe another one... But no longer 'home'.

They cannot reason this but in time, will grow to feel safe & have familiarity there. It will become home.

Can they actually leave by themselves? Not likely.
So stay they must. Harsh but true.

Work on dealing with the phone calls will be your task - reassurance, distraction & some avoidance as you must.

With time you will all adjust.
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First of all whoever is your grandparents POA (your father?) should to have a talk with this nursing home. He or you needs to call their administrator today and tell them to not allow or assist your grandmother to use the phones at the nurse's station. That will stop the phone calls. The POA can make an arrangement to call at certain times or for them to help your grandmother call at certain times. The POA is also supposed to visit the nursing home weekly or at least bi-weekly to do a welfare check to make sure they are being adequately cared for.
Second, there's no reason why your grandmother should not be on an anti-anxiety medication if she needs it. Your father should talk to the NH doctor about prescribing her one.
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If they have dementia, they are not capable of living independently. Irrational behavior and not having good judgement are common symptoms of dementia. They need to be in memory care/skilled nursing. Talk to her doctor about your grandmother's panic attacks. There may be some medications to calm her (calming medications may only be needed temporarily, until she gets used to where she is). Also talk to the staff at their facility (her case manager and the nurse) to ask their advice. They've probably seen this many times before. Moves are difficult for seniors, especially for people with dementia. They have to get used to new people, new routines, everything is in a different place, etc. Hopefully she'll soon get used to her new home. Asking to go "home" is also symbolic when people have dementia. It can mean wanting to go back to a time when they were independent and could manage for themselves. She'll go through stages. Try to visit them often to help oversee their care and keep your visits loving and positive. All the best to all of you.
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it took my mom about 4 months to acclimate to her memory care facility, in which time they got her on a variety of mood meds to calm her. dementia patients can't handle change at all so there's always going to be an extended adjustment period when they move to a new place, even though they're getting the care they need. my mom doesn't ask to leave any more or call us crying, but the first 3-4 months were terrible. we had to just grit our teeth and get through it, constantly wondering if we should move her, but she's much better now. and it's sad to say but as her memory continues to deteriorate she gets calmer. when she remembers her past she gets sad and wants to return to it. but when she forgets, she only knows what's in front of her and doesn't question it.
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Alainatheard: Your grandmother should be taking an anti anxiety medication to lessen these flare ups. Perhaps she hasn't thought it through as to HOW she would "get out of there," as in no transportation to do so.
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Are they in memory care or skilled nursing? It sounds to me like they should be in MC because a MC would never give her access to a phone like that. They'd know how to handle it.

My mom started in skilled nursing because I didn't know any better, and it was a nightmare. They don't know how to handle dementia patients at all. Make sure you have them in the proper type of facility (and MC can handle the physical ailments, too), plus get Grandma some anti-anxiety meds. She's disoriented because of the new surroundings.
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Geriatric Psychiatrist can write prescriptions to deal with grandma's hallucinations and agitations. P.S. Turn off your phone.
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My mom’s NH would never have allowed a resident to make these kinds of calls. The staff needs to put a stop to this. Grandmother needs a med for anxiety, please talk with her doctor and relate what you’ve shared here. And don’t even attempt to explain or discuss her living situation, her ability to reason this out is sadly, gone. It will only frustrate you both
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The problem I see here is the staff. I did not have to ask to have Mom given anxiety meds the Nurse took it upon herself to call the doctor and ask that something be prescribed for my Mom. Each day her anxiety was getting worse. I was told when I visited that she had been put on them. My Mom was in her last stage of Dementia so no asking aides to call me. If they had, it would be stopped. The whole reason u have a LO in a facility is because the facility is suppose to be able to handle things you can't. The only time I was called by an aide was in Moms AL to tell me she had fallen out of bed. Thats the law. Never a call from the NH unless it was something that needed to be resolved at that minute or a fall. I got very few of them and never from an aide always the desk Nurse.
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Your grandmother should be medicated for anxiety so she's not suffering from panic attacks AT ALL while in the nursing home. Speak to her doctor asap about what's going on and your concern about how agitated she is. There is no reason for such distress, or for the staff to be enabling her to call you so often. It's about calming her down.....not about "forbidding phone calls". The goal of staff in a NH is to have relaxed and happy residents, not to have them screeching to go home or having panic attacks left and right. This is basic resident care 101. Your dad needs to call a meeting with the Director of Nursing to voice his concern over the lack of proper care his mother is receiving there, and formulate a plan to change that.

As far as her "refusing to stay in the NH" goes, how is she planning to get home? The staff and DON should be made aware of her desire to leave so if she should try, she can be stopped and your dad can be notified. I wouldn't worry too much about an elder with dementia leaving a NH and going home, honestly. She needs time to acclimate AND a care plan that includes calming meds to keep her on an even keel, the poor soul.

Best of luck to you.
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Family doesn't have to answer calls if they should get through. She can scream all she wants to about not staying there but it's hard to imagine how she would manage to arrange to leave. Don't enable her.
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"The problem is that my grandmother has panic attacks and calls us from one of the nurses phones multiple times a day..."

Does she remember your number to dial? Or a nurse dials your number for her?

The nurses should not let your grandmother to use the phone to begin with. And if a nurse dials your number for grandma, that's even worse. They are not doing their job that they are paid to do.
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You can't reason someone with a Dementia. A week is not long enough for her to get used to her new surroundings and learn she needs to rely on staff.

Your Dad needs to call the Director of Nursing and request that the nurses do not let his mother use the phone to call him. He only wants emergency calls concerning his parents from a Nurse only. Some people have posted here that the aides have called them constantly. Both nurses and aides in care facilities should know how to handle residents. If an aide cannot handle a resident their are LPNs and RNs to help them. And as Barb says, there are meds to help Grandmom.
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She should not be calling you from the nurses station. The staff there needs to be dealing with this.
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Get her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist asap. She needs meds for anxiety and agitation.

I don't mean that she should be drugged into a stupor; a good geripsych can find meds that will keep her calm and happy.

Also, make sure she gets tested for a UTI; they can cause a sudden change in mental status.
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Alainatheard Sep 2022
Thank you. I’ll be sure to ask if the home had a psychiatrist on staff
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