I’m trying to downsize my mother’s closets and stuff. She has 3+ closets in a 4 bedroom house (she has always loved shopping and clothes) and I’m preparing for live-in care so I also need to downsize furniture, etc.
I did okay at first and put the items in the garage and waited for 30 days to see if she noticed, but it’s getting harder and harder as I grieve the loss of who my mom was with these items, trying to pick what works now and make sure she doesn’t notice. I’m trying to focus on the positive that we have the ability to try and make it work. It’s also not reasonable for her to have zippers/button clothing and numerous fancy dresses in her dementia stage. We’re lucky that she may have the ability to return to her home, but this just feels like a knife to the heart and I find myself dreading making the decisions now. I know other countries don’t have all this “stuff” and I try to look at it from that standpoint but it still hurts. Any advice? Books to read?
I am a donator. who believes in helping others, I donate to a local woman's shelter and they sell the items at their thrift store.
Packing the stuff away resolves nothing except to take up space in the garage and your head, what was... is no longer.
I would work on me, as acceptance is the key word in order not to remain stuck.
There will be many more important hurdles to overcome, hard decisions to make, you must prepare as nothing in life remains constant it either gets better or worse and with aging, if she already needs extra care you are on the path towards worse.
Prepare yourself mentally, forget about the material things. in the end they mean nothing.
Thing is he died 6 years ago and for at least 10 years prior to that did not wear most (99%) of these shirts. so I held on to them far longer than I should have So I get where you are at this point. (actually you are doing better than I did)
And...this past week I did what I called a Swedish Invalid Cleaning. Slightly less thorough than the Swedish Death Cleaning. But I did get rid of a lot of stuff..much of it my Husbands clothes and some of mine.
All I can say is box up stuff that "hurts" to get rid of. Close the box, seal it, DATE it with a note on it to "DO NOT OPEN, DONATE ANYTIME AFTER JAN 20, 2024" . That way you have done the hard part, you went through it and what you do not want now no doubt you will not want in a year.
If there are items you want or other family members want hand them out now. If someone hems and haws about it, they can store it for a year.
Fancy clothes or "vintage" clothes you might want to see if a local High School Theater group would want them or a local Theater might be interested in them for costumes.
Items that might be good for work could be donated to a Women's Shelter they can be used as they prepare women for job interviews.
My sister and I kept one or two articles of clothing that reminded us of him, and the rest I gave away to charity or friends (camo gear, as he hunted a few years ago). If you can't bear parting with a lot, try taking a picture of the item(s) so you can look at them later. Sometimes that works to where you feel you can part with it now.
It's funny what people find interesting when they get dementia. That said, when I see his gray suit, I think of the wedding my husband was in about 5 years ago that involved light sabers and Superman music. So there's that.
Good idea waiting, too. You never know what she may realize is gone. I found that when we tried to ask my step-dad's opinion on down-sizing he rarely wanted to let go of anything and it just caused tension and arguments until we just removed something. He often didn't even mention the item again.
Work quickly, but not missing lunch.
One hour at a time.
Drink water as you take a break.
Go thru every pocket. There is money in there.
Put all the clothes in a big plastic bag.
Have someone coming by to pick up the clothes.
i been slowly replacing her “fancier” things with pull on leggings, soft tshirts and sweatshirts. As I do laundry I remove stuff. She loved clothes. She turned an extra bedroom into a closet when we were younger :)
so much of it is now just too big on her frail 90 year old body—I’ve explained her pants were falling down from 20 years of slow weight loss, she just didn’t realize. They had become a trip/fall hazard!
My only suggestion is donating to a women’s shelter, nursing home or goodwill. I have, I kid you not, over 50 Vera Bradley purses—with matching wallets!! Some even still have the tags! I’m gonna take them to a nursing home and let the little ladies pick new pocketbooks!!!
Im wondering about your statement that she may return home. If it’s dementia, it’s unlikely she will return home, unless you have multiple full time caregivers for her. Even if she did return home, dressy clothes will need to be replaced with comfortable clothes that are easy to get on and off.
Try to get into the mindset you are ridding her of the burden of having too much stuff. Simplifying will be a relief for you both.
My husband was always a fantastic dresser. When he got Alzheimer’s, he’d stand in the closet just overwhelmed at all his things. He has trouble decide
ing what to wear and what went with what. So in trying to decide, his “castoffs” went into the laundry basket. It didn’t take me too long to figure out A. Why it was taking him so long to get dressed and B. Why I had so much laundry! We donated many things to charity. Clearing out the closet helped us both.
Just keep telling your self you are alleviating the burden of excess. Good luck!
She needs clothing that meets her current needs, not fancy dress or high style.
My beautiful god mother, had lovely clothes and was always well turned out. But as her shape changed due to Osteoporosis, she could no longer wear many items. So she passed them along to someone who could use them. Her tailored slacks gave way to elastic waistbands, her smart blazers to cardigans.
Grief catches us off guard and in funny ways. And it can stop us in our tracks. Yes, we can grieve while someone is still living. We grieve for the person they were, and are sad when we see who they have become.
I have been clearing out closets too. Dad is still alive, but will never visit the cabin again. He also is a hoarder, so my grief is mixed with anger. For each item that went into the donation pile another went right into the garbage. So many pairs of slacks hanging in a closet with rips, stains, not even wearable for working in the garden.
Do you have a friend or can you hire a declutterer who can help you complete this task?
It’s a very difficult task ahead. Is there really a chance she’ll come home? If so, just cut through the clutter. If not, no sense having to do this task twice. But either way, you can do this!
Example, my Mom had some pudding dishes that I loved, I wouldn't use in the kitchen but they were a perfect size for paperclips. So I "swapped out" the containers I was using for those paperclips for those pudding dishes. I swapped out lamps my parents had that I liked and donated my own lamps that had no special meaning for me. Even swapped out wastebaskets. And book ends, as my folks had some really unusual looking ones.
My Mom loved Lands End clothing and so did I. We were the same size so some of Mom's clothes became my hand-me-downs. Another place I found really nice clothes was on-line ShopNational, Both Mom and I liked their products.
Back when I was working full-time, one of my co-workers use to shop at Goodwill. She was a crafty free spirit girl, and she would come into work beaming wearing her newest item she found at Goodwill. Her smile said it all :)
I handle it by not fighting with her but when I take clothing into the laundry some things don't go back upstairs. Eventually out of sight will become out of mind fir your mother. My tip is to go slowly with a few things at first, eventually eliminating what is not needed. My mother too was a clothes horse and always took great care in matching and accessorizing her outfits. With that in mind I try to make nice coordinating outfits that are easy to get on and off for her. Since many of her items are good and useful I donate them and console myself in the knowledge that someone else will be able to use them. One thing I would say is that we also are selling some items of value and we put this money back into her funds and this provides for the extra care that she needs as her condition has deteriorated. That eases a financial burden too so it makes sense all around. Another benefit is that keeping her house clean and safe is easier without a lot of clutter too. We eliminated furniture from some bedrooms on the second floor; no one uses them and she is physically confined to the first floor so it makes sense. In the long run as our parents pass on there will be less to attend to if we start slowly letting go of unneeded things now. Wishing the best for you and your mother.
FYI you may see other posts about missing items at MCs. This is a good reason to hold onto some of the clothes
If you want your neighbors to love you donate all of the clothing to the "Buy Nothing Project". In turn, tell your mother how much she is helping others and in the meantime you are building Community in your neighborhood.
I buy all Mom's clothes on Lands End "on sale". Pull up elastic-waist deep pocket pants and they sell "petit" so the hems are perfect. I buy 3-4 pair and 3-4 pull over comfortable tops. In turn I let Mom choose from (2) options.
Good quality shoes with no laces and durable slippers when Mom gets up to go to the bathroom.
1/2 of Mom's wardrobe went missing in action during the Pandemic with hospital stays and rehabs. Ralph Lauren, Edie Bauer, again I shop on sale.
The furniture I gave to the people I see on a daily basis, the grounds people who treat my mother better than her own sons do. They are young couple's starting out and I "gave" them a high buoy, sleigh bed, etc. You have to have a clear pathway so Mom won't trip over anything. Basically, you are setting the house up for a "safe discharge."
When you are focused on your loved one, you even think about the materialism.
Again, with the clothing check out the "Buy Nothing Project" and tell you neighbor wear them in good health!
Amen...
You need to harden yourself. There is no need for fancy dresses, where is she going to wear them? If you want, save one or two, just in case. Pick slacks and tops easy to get on and off. My Mom went up and down in her weight so I kept 2 sizes of clothing, she had Thyroid problems. I had winter and Summer. Shoes, comfortable ones. No heels because of balance problems. Maybe keep one or two nice pairs for just in case. Coats, maybe different weights.
What I suggest is piles. The definite getting rid of pile. The not so sure pile and the definitely keeping pile.
The definite getting rid pile take to a charity or a box right away.
The not sure of pile put in totes or boxes.
The definite you hang back up. In a few months, bring out the not sure box and go thru again. Same with everything else in her home. But that can be done over a period of time.
My Mom had a friend who loved giving her nick nacks. My Mom hated nick nacks. But she put her friends up on a a shelf to display. Also on display were gifts given her with 50yrs anniversary on them. I could not throw them away but I also did not want them. TG I found a thrift shop who made displays out of things like this.
Good reminder that I need to do more of this with my mom's stuff too. I've been waiting for a rainy day when I'm home to start clearing more stuff out - there's too much in her room and makes it hard for her to find things and organize.
It seemed overwhelming at first.