Mom is 86 with weakness, balance and memory issues. Doctor and home health nurse after hospital stay absolutely say she can not be alone. After finding smoke in house because she burned something in oven, I completely agree.
I have aide here four hours on weekdays. That gives me time to take the dog out, run errands, tend to most of my medical appointments, and yes, get away.
However, Mom is on a campaign to get rid of aides. She does not want a "babysitter," wants privacy, etc. Without aides, I am in house 24/7.
How have you gotten around this?
I’ve come to understand that my mother loves to be in a crisis, it’s her drug of choice. She likes to condemn everyone that she’s alone with no help and it’s everyone else’s fault. She goes back in time how this person or that person let her down. (Interestingly she was a serial dater and never raised us, might be projecting lol)
When she chases off another caregiver she says to my sister see we are abandoned again, everyone will abandon us.
she’d prefer to have me there then strangers but it’s beyond what I can do so I don’t fall into the trap.
Im already there a lot but if I’m not careful she’ll have me in crisis with them.
As caregivers, we too have fear and we too want stability and the ability to follow a plan. But because we are not (yet) experiencing the same internal horror of dementia, we adapt.
This site helps us adapt and reminds us not to lecture or blame.
For example:
LO-“I don’t want a babysitter.”
CG-“Great. Next time that I have to go, it will NOT be a babysitter that helps me.”
Then next time, make a change- try something new, adapt.
CG-“I’ll be back shortly. I left you this note on the white board.” Read the note aloud. Wave goodbye. Leave the house.
-Post the note (I use a white board, every day)
-Helper reads the note (as many times as necessary)-“Mom, I’ll be back soon. _____ (caregiver’s name) is your helper. She is not a babysitter. She’s here to help you and me. She won’t be able to leave until I get back. Her car keys are in my car. She brought a puzzle that you can help her with but she can help you brush your hair if you’d like.”
This is just one example. In this example:
-you are honoring her previous wish “no babysitters”. You’ve changed the wording to honor her dignity.
-You’ve done THE most critical aspect of caregiving, taking care of yourself regularly with respite.
-She has no choice. Someone will be with her. You’ve provided for her care the entire time you’re away because “you have her car keys”! Of course , you really don’t have her keys. But, it’s a simple solution if your Mom demands that she leave.
-You’ve giving Mom a needed sense of security in several ways. The note can be referenced throughout your absence. The “possible and optional” activities are known. The caregiver is helping you both and her name is posted for easy reference.
There will never be a perfect solution to caregiving a person with dementia. It’s always a struggle whether we are in control or handing it off for a while. One thing is certain, with love, patience, the appreciation that our LO lives with the constant companion of change/fear, we can observe, then adapt and refine our days. There is always another way.
best to all
Then leave the house and do what you need to do. Maybe her campaign will let up a little if it does not work
If she "entertains" your mother with exercising and some kind of "crafting" like coloring books or sewing cards, maybe it will go better.
Have you considered Adult DayCare? If you need 4 hours a day, perhaps that would better suit your mother as she would be with people in her own age group. And she would get a meal as well. Probably be a lot cheaper too.
My DH refused it, but it was available in our area and we're totally rural, living in a small town of 1500 people.
Don't let Mom manipulate your life. Yes, she should have options and appropriate choices. Unfortunately, privacy is no longer a choice for her.
For your mother offer the option of someone coming in to assist you for 4 hours a day or she can go to a Social Day Program or be placed in a SNF. I’ll bet the aide coming in will be her choice.
a Friend of a friend was introduced to me, she was a professional caregiver between jobs.
so, I told my dad that she was coming over to help me get the house organized. She arrived and I introduced her, showed here where everything was. After about an hour I offered everyone ice tea. We three sat down together and had tea. In a short while I left on errands and they sat and chatted. The second day after chatting for a while my Dad mentioned he “never” get a to go to Walmart....so she took him. They stayed out for a couple hours and she helped me get him to bed when they came back.
that weekend my Dad was constantly looking for her. She arrived on Monday, and never stopped coming daily for the remainder of his life. She made his final time on this earth probably the most enjoyable he had ever had.
try to introduce this person in another capacity, and let them have the space to become friends.
I hope your idea of introducing caregivers works for foleydaughter .
I'd also prepare myself to hear her complaints. There is no way she can get her way on this. It's about safety and the law. She's not able to be alone, so, stick with it and eventually, she'll likely stop with those complaints. Often things phase out, as they progress with dementia. But, she may never accept the aids. I'd try to accept that and get your respite time, because, I know it can be stressful.
My own Mom [90+] was anti-caregiver. No way, no how, nada, ziltch. No other woman was going to make dinner for my Dad. Or use her kitchen, or do light housekeeping because that was Mom's "job". It was a major struggle and Mom won. We had to wait for a serious medical situation in order for Mom to get help... Mom spent her remaining months in long-term-care. Too bad the word "stubborn" isn't a legit medical term.... [sigh].
Dad on the other hand was on the phone quickly to get those caregivers to come back to help him.
If the aide isn’t able to deal with a woman with Mom’s numerous issues, TRY ANOTHER AIDE.
Be sure that the aide understands that your mom may respond to a slightly louder voice, and that she is on a “campaign to get rid of aides”.
If you are expecting this to be a brief, pleasant, easy process.........well, WE made THAT mistake, but ultimately, LO accepted with surly silence, but she was SAFE.
SAFETY is REALLY your only concern at this point, unfortunately. As much as you want Mom to be comfortable and content and relaxed by having the aide there, most likely that won’t happen, and VERY unlikely right off the bat.
It is very likely MORE IMPORTANT for your mother’s well being that she accept the aide than it is for YOU to have the freedom to leave. Her dependence on you will only become more pronounced unless you separate ASAP.
Enjoy your “self” time. You deserve it.
I often feel tied down as my MIL lives with me and my husband. But, I make the time to do things I need and want to do. We have help and I relish the ability to relax and know that I can actually leave the house and know that my MIL is safely with someone!