Two years ago, my day had liver and kidney failure suddenly. I was with him for the last 3 days when he came home under hospice and I sat with him for the last 3 hours until his death. At the end I saw his skin mottle and go grey, his breathing speeding up and then he suddenly breathed his last breath. It was a terrible awful 3 days. The last 3 hours were horrible. I can see you all have been through much worse, but it really affected me. After that I felt so detached for a long time. It was like the world was foreign to me...like I wasn't connected to it anymore. It took me a long time to get over this.
Then this past weekend I was visiting my mom (who is 84) who hasn't been doing well. As I was sitting across from her I saw the skin on her left hand suddenly change color in the same way I saw my dad's skin change just before he died. That lasted for awhile and then lightened a bit. I had an immediate panic attack. I had to go into the bathroom and calm myself down. Then when I came home I am experiencing all that detachment and upsetness all over again. I thought I got over this...evidently not.
My aunt is living with me and will probably die here at some point...maybe in front of me.
I am not cut out for all these elderly people dying in front of me thing. I am so stressed out with all this. I am such a wreck since last weekend when I saw that sudden skin mottling in my mom. I know people get old and die but this is too much for me to have them die in front of me over and over.
I can't do this anymore. How do you get over this? Everyday I am waiting for the call from the place where my mom is saying she has died or maybe going downstairs and finding my aunt dead. I feel like my life has turned into death row.
Best wishes,
Carol
I was with my mom and dad when they both died and it is a bear.
Personally, because everyone is different, what helped me cope was the fact that it was time for them to go. their poor bodies couldn't take any more and it was time for them to go home.
When my mom died almost a year ago now, I held her hands and looked into her beautiful blue eyes and was telling her to go and find daddy and that he was there waiting for her. It tore my guts out, make no mistake but the reality was that it was time for her to go. She was suffering and then she was free. She actually died with a little smile on her face. I will never forget it.
I agree with you that you can't continue to go through this. Carol has excellent advice in seeking a live support group and are you taking any meds for anxiety? I sure was and still am!! no guilt there! a panic attack is the worst and I was having them left and right and decided that this was no way to live especially since they have a nice med for it and you don't have to take it all the time, just when you need one. xanax works for me and talk to your doctor. If he/she doesn't see it your way, get another doctor. life's too short.
Say what you have to say to your mom, all the things.... you know what I mean, you love her and you wish she would love forever and the 2 of you could go on and on, but that you'll be ok and you will see her again in the blink of an eye.
Now here's a trick that you may be able to use:
EVERY time you have anegative thought and I mean EVERY time, you redirect yourself with a differt positive thought. For me it was a boat. I trained myself to think of a beautiful boat every time I thought of something awful like my daddy's death or mom being so sick, etc.
You can actually create a new habit for yourself in 21 days. It takes 21 days to change a behavior and if all of this insanity, and it is insanity, is getting you bonkers, redirect your thoughts and you will beging to see a difference in how you feel. It's not the easiest thing to do but it sure beats the sox off of not trying something!
Is there a way to find a facility for your aunt? Maybe it's time that you lived your life without this insanity. I know that death is part of life, but I for one am not wired to be a caregiver even though I did it for almost 6 years. I would NEVER do it again and I don't want to be the one sitting bedside holding a hand again either.
I did my job and saw both my parents to their graves and that's enough.
OK, Addie, I hear you and please keep venting here because this website is something that can keep you from going totally bonkers. We Care.
lovbob
Look into an ALF or NH for your aunt. Limit visits with your Mom until you can get things under control. And please seek counseling and a good doctor who understands how to treat emotional issues. I am not normally a fan of drug therapies but it might be a good "stop gap" measure until you can get your feet under you.
Make just one change today that will improve your life....even if it is a small one.
And come here as often as you need...we're open 24/7 :o)
Let me just say that I am sorry that you are so overwhelmed by the events that are occurring in your life. No one ever deals with the pain of watching loved ones suffer or die and says it is easy. Ten years ago, I was dealt quite a blow when my grandmother was diagnosed with liver cancer. Never a drink, a cigarette, nothing and this strong, vital woman was diagnosed with this terminal disease. As well as that happening, a friend, 28 years old, fell off of his roof and was in a hospital bed as a vegatable until he died. This was all over the course of 6 months. By the way, my grandmother died at 3:30 AM and my friend died exactly 12 hours later.
I was with my grandmother when she died. The last word she spoke was "pain". It was heartbreaking. She was heavily sedated after that and her heart gave out. The suffering that I saw this woman, one of my best friends, go through almost made it bearable that she was gone. I also think it was a gift to me to be there with her. On the flip side, it was a comfort to her not to be alone.
It was not an easy day and I miss both just as much today as I did ten years ago, but if you have done all that you can do and the person that you love so much is ready to go, you just have to keep plugging through your life and let them go. Your life has not ended. You need to enjoy even the smallest of things that bring you happiness. For some it is volunteering or getting a pet. For others it is prayer. I don't know you, but it seems like you have an overwhelming amount of sadness and grief. Maybe you have someone to speak with. Maybe a long walk could do some good. For me, I get in the car, blast the radio and sing my favorite songs at the top of my lungs. By the way, I am a real sucky singer, but I don't care. It is a release. You do what you have to do and try to be strong for your loved one.
I wish you peace and happiness in your life. Don't ever give up and don't ever be afraid to vent or ask someone for help, but you have to do something for your well being. Take care and I really do hope the best for you.
I think two realities make letting go of our declining parent(s) tough. One, it means for many of us that we are taking their place in society. Two, it means becoming more of our own teacher, guide as sometimes we have to learn to almost like parent ourselves, become our own best encourager, and find what nurtures us best that will last us for the rest of our life. Our parents made it and are making it through these final stages of life and so can we!
Now people want aging and death out of sight. Also, there are so many only children who become overwhelmed with caring for their parents but Americans began having smaller families or no children at all during the twentieth century.
I am a retired oncology RN. I’ve held many people’s hands as they died. We had four deaths on the floor one night. But it will be very different when it’s my mom that’s going. Or my dad. Or even my daughter who’s also an only child. Or my husband! But don’t have fear of death. It’s usually very peaceful, spiritual and amazing. It’s very hard if you love the person because they are leaving you temporarily. I do believe our spirit lives on and that most people go to a happy place with no more suffering. I’ve actually ‘felt ‘ people leave their bodies ( the spirit goes out the head).
I believe that I was putting myself through a class so I would be less afraid of death by doing this job. I also know it won’t be the same with my loved ones. But the physical process is nothing to fear. Probably your physical symptoms are your nerves and you’ve got plenty to be upset about. Ask your doctor for a tranquilizer or what he thinks is best for you. Explain your circumstances.
If you feel so wrapped up in your own reaction and anxiety getting out and helping others with volunteer work could be the answer. Stepping outside of yourself and making a difference in someone else's life can be a big benefit. Grief comes to all of us and there is no one answer in how to get through it. I do know going through anything alone is always much more difficult. God bless!
The only other thing I can add, is sure, you can expect to be able to function and feel happy again, but not really to "get over it" and be "done" grieving. Grief IS more complicated when the relationship was not as good, too - that seems almost universal. Being there for the last days and last moments of the life of another human being really does change you forever, no getting around it! It starts as being kind of a painful part of you and you need to debrief like you would any other trauma...it gradually becomes just part of you, but the emotions reawaken at predictable and unpredictable times, and you never know when you may discover another layer of it all! Getting help..helps...but it does not make the experience or the impact of it go away! The only way "out" is through. Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance of what happened, of how it feels to be the one left behind, and of whatever else you find in your heart.
Your support is extremely valuable to him, Joel, but he will most likely need professional help as well.
That being said, he's lucky to have you by his side.
Carol
I remember my mom's breathing changing to Cheyne-Stokes (agonal) too and how it slowly and miserably dawned on me that this was "it" rather than just another angina attack she could come back from at least a little while. I can identify with that feeling of it seeming a bit or even a lot unreal...once I really knew and let myself understand....I just stayed and held her hand and told her it was OK, she had done her best. The hospice staff had all ducked out after she calmed down from the chest pain she had before they gave medication for it, and didn't expect it to be right then and there either or they would not have just left me alone. I pushed the call button but they couldn't or didn't come back right away and I did know better than to leave Mom alone to go get them.
I was not there for my Dad - I was driving to try to get there from Little Rock to Pgh PA in a snow storm - I had been at his side in the hospital once and was afraid he might pass then and there but he pulled through. It's hard emotionaly either way!
I'm not sure what to do about it. If someone is in Hospice do you have to be present? It terrifies me, though I think I'm a pretty strong person. I don't know how I can do it. My cousin has no one but me. I'm just too scared.
Well he didn't die of a heart attack. Instead he lived longer than his siblings and developed dementia in addition to the heart problems. I took care of him for about 10 years. I felt very privileged to be with him when he died. I held his hand and we exchanged I love you. I miss him terribly, and his being gone is still hard on me. But the death itself was a witnessing and sharing of a final life milestone. I am so glad I was there.
I will say that I've attended three deaths of elderly people who were more than ready to go and they were not only rewarding experiences but beautiful beyond words.
I learned so much about the cycle of life, which includes death of the body. I will say that my spiritual beliefs influence my reactions, however there isn't a doubt in my mind that while I held my dad I felt his spirit leave his body. I knew then that he'd been released from the cage that had kept him in his dementia world for ten years. Just my view, but I thought I'd share it in case it helps.
Carol